My E-ville Je$u$

St. Andrew’s Episcopal Church in E-ville is where I found Fr. Ben, who connected me to a retired Bishop of Illinois. Then finally, I was directed to an incredible priest with an awesome accent, Fr. Scott—who ended up being the actual celebrant for Ryan’s Gangsta’ of Love Memorial, that he never would have wanted. That was all Dad and Allison, making it about them; and then Allison doesn’t even show. Still baffling, and Tiff, Ben and I made it actually happen anyways as Dad and Allison made drama and criticized us. We were cruelly criticized too, and hated on, but that’s what always happens to good people in bad situations. Dad and Ryan never knew the changed me, The Mudder and Episcopalian. My “former father”, Pito, visited me in April and that was enough to know that “My God” doesn’t want me to have a father like that in this life anymore—no need ti honor him any longer. I’ve always honored both my parents as biblical duty—but, no more. I forgive, but I don’t need a relationship with toxic and abusive human, blood or not. I’ve had enough therapy to know better and expect better now. I have peace that surpasses all understanding in that today, Sept 4th, 2021. I wish Ryan had worshipped God instead of money. He’d had a much richer life, less stress, real relationships; and probably not be dead, with vultures flying over the heads of Tiff and I. But, I honestly do not fear—with God’s help and healing self love and solid boundaries I’ve practiced for a very long time now. I am a survivor because of God’s help that I’ve asked for every day for the last 15 years. Peace. Duces. “A-fucking-men.” Amen. And again Amen. (This is MY prayer…)