Navigating Finances in a Relationship

What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her. Daddy Gang, I am back with the one and only, Miss Dow Jones. We did an episode on finances for someone that is really just getting into the finance world, trying to figure it out.

You may be on your first job, your second job, your third job. You're in your 20s, you're in your 30s, you're wherever you are in life. I think this conversation the other week was really helpful and I saw so many people happy that we had it. So I figured, let's have Miss Dow Jones back on and let's have a little conversation about how to handle finances in romantic relationships.

Hey, at least, AKA, Mrs Dow Jones. Welcome to Call Her Daddy. So, M to the G, so excited to be here. What did you just say before we started recording about Poppy, my cherry?

I said, I'm honored to be Poppy, your financial cherry on the show. It's about damn time. It is about damn time because as I was preparing for this interview, I was like, you know what? It's so interesting because we love Rain, cheer on Call Her Daddy.

It's like one week we're talking about really heady and emotional and internal things and now we're about to talk about something that's very tangible and very important for my audience to listen to. Daddy Gang, let me give you a little intro. Mrs Dow Jones, you are these millennial financial experts and make all things money related easy to understand through your content. If finances weren't already hard enough, Daddy Gang, they have become even more complex and complicated to manage when you're in a relationship.

So let's get into it, managing money when you're in a relationship because this shit can fucking end your relationship, okay? Dow Jones, you're gonna help us today. Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Dove. Have you guys heard that Dove just dropped a Dove reimagined version of the classic Don't Cha to launch their new alcohol-free whole body deodorant?

A true 90s baby throwback moment. The best part is that Dove's new whole body deodorant is alcohol and aluminum-free, combining 72-hour odor control with nourishing skin care. It's gentle anywhere you apply it, which keeps you feeling hot, not burned for external use only. But Dove, Whole Body Deodorant, alcohol and aluminum-free, learn more at Dove.ca.

First question, why is it so uncomfortable to talk about finances in a relationship? So in my experience, there's two reasons why this is so uncomfortable. The first one is that you, the person, just doesn't know anything about their own finances. So they're like, cool, how am I supposed to talk to them about it when I am 1,000% in the dark?

So you don't feel confident yourself, you don't feel confident asking or bringing it up. And then number two really goes back to how you're raised. So growing up, a lot of people come from families where money is associated with shame and with greed and with stress. And our partners are the ones that we want to have like us the most and find us attractive.

So we don't want to bring something up that's going to give them the ick. Well, that's such a good point, especially young couples. It's like, you're not usually going to be making all these crazy money. So you're embarrassed to potentially do I make more?

Does he make more? Does she make more? What is the dynamic? And then also you're right, it's like there are some families that would be way more inclined to speak about it because maybe they were well off.

And it was a more casual conversation where as maybe there was also a sore subject in the house, I'm like, no, I can't give you an extra $20 like things are tight. So it felt very, yeah, connected to a feeling that I've elicited within us that felt like hush, hush, do not talk about this. At what point in a relationship, if ever, should you ask your partner exactly how much they make? I mean, I feel like people, first of all, if you want to invest, I want to start dating up where credit scores are on it.

So I feel like we could be really cool co-founders. But it's all good. You know, like we got to get it out there early. But you know, I think that there's natural moments in a relationship where you can talk about money if you're moving in together, if you're getting a dog together, if you're getting engaged.

You know, these are natural openings where money comes up. And so those are awesome to take advantage of. But I think the earlier, the better that you can start to just bring money into the conversation, it doesn't need to be, hey, how much is in your savings account? But you know, talk about their upbringing, what was money like, how were their parents with it, you know, just sort of figuring out where they're coming from.

And that's a lot easier than recalibrating a relationship that has existed for many years where money is not talked about. Like, I actually been working with this woman who has been with her, Beyonce, for 10 years, and they're getting married and she has credit card debt and they've never talked about it. He doesn't know and they're going deeper into debt for the wedding. She's like gotten a nose job, got the big ring, got engaged in Paris, like planning the whole shooting.

And it's so crazy because it's like they're starting this quote unquote next chapter together, but they're going to be doing it in the red and he's also marrying her dad and it's just obviously trying to get her to open up. But in 10 years of seeking access to someone that you just are not telling the truth to. That's such a hard dynamic because again, it ends up, yes, being an issue with honesty, but I also can see the other side of like, oh my God, like how do I even broach this topic? And I also love that you said and daddy gang, you should take this.

It's like when you're having conversations, a lot of times we put so much pressure on ourselves to just go right for what the answer that we want. So we just bring up a conversation that's so aggressive and it's like, there is something to be said about having some social awareness of like, hey, we have never in our lives together spoken about finances. So maybe you're so right. It's like, let's ease in by, let's just talk about our childhoods.

How are you middle class lower class? How are you raised and leave that on a Monday? And maybe then in a couple of weeks, bring up a new conversation that can push the conversation forward, but in order to actually have it be comfortable because it's such an uncomfortable topic, be mindful of how you're approaching it. I would say like, okay, let's say we're getting ready to take the next step.

We're ready to move in with our partner. What actual logistical types of financial conversations should we be having? And what should we be sorting out? Well, I think first things first, you need to know how much they make and what their credit is because when you're applying for a mortgage or at least they're going to ask those questions anyways.

So, you know, better to know going in and to be like, wait, why do we get denied? And then it's a whole thing. So getting that out in the open up front, but then also figuring out how much does each person have to spend towards moving in? You know, like say we're moving in together, I can put $3,000 in, but you're making a lot more than me and you want to put it, you want to live in like a $12,000 per month apartment or whatever, like maybe like you pay for the difference.

You know, every couple is sort of different, but you need to have the conversation and then also figure out how you're going to split the expenses, like who's going to take care of the utilities, who's you know, electricity, all those things, like you need to have that figured out before you wouldn't get a new job and start a job without a contract. So think about it. You need to have like the rules of the game. Totally.

And like just getting so granular here because I'm sure when my listeners are listening, they're like, okay, I need more space. Like if someone in the couple is making more money than the other person, how do you figure out the split for rent and bills? Like what is there? Okay.

So this is an amazing question. It's one that I got a lot and there's basically three answers. So you just choose which of the three applies to you. And I also have a financial love language quiz that I made for Daddy Game.

So we can go ahead. I know I literally made it because I was like, we're going to have these questions. So it's free and it will tell you exactly like where you're at on the scale and what to do, give you actual advice. We got you finances.

Hold on. You can find it. I'll tell them also. We put it in the description Daddy Gang and you can click out and go take this freaking quiz.

Yeah, we're going to hook it up. But okay. So there's three different ways you can split the money. One is 50 50.

So like Gabriel Union and Dwayne Wade, she came out yesterday and said that they split at 50 50 and he makes more than, he's not worth his more than four times hers, but they're 50 50. That's what works for them. Even though he's made his worst so much more, they're down the middle. So that's one way.

The second way is one person is paying for everything. So I always think about like Taylor Swift, you know, like she, I'm a Swiftie. There's a lot on Swicki Twitter about like Joe Owen, being poor, like her whatever they make fun of like her because she's so loaded and whatever. Like so pick out lyrics that prove that whatever.

But you know, I assume that if you're dating Taylor Swift, you're sort of just on that ride and she's paying for everything. So that's another one. And then, you know, a third one is percentage based, which is the one that I feel the most comfortable with where it's sort of like, yeah, like, okay, this percent of my fine of my income equals that percent of your income. And maybe that percent for you is $10,000, but the percent for me is $3,000, but we can combine those and it will feel fair because it's just like where our salaries are at.

It's very rare to date someone who makes the exact same amount as you. Totally. And I think obviously there can be a small discrepancy like, oh, I only make like 20,000 more than you. I mean, that's still a lot.

And like, I think when I was thinking about one of my friends when she was living in New York City, her boyfriend was making like $300,000 a year and she was making 70,000 a year. And he tried to just split the rent in New York City the same. And it was like, you can't do that. There's no way that you should be paying the same amount that doesn't make any sense.

But it's also like, it's more like she needs to say, this is what I can afford towards a rent and I'll not and be like, hey, okay, I can spend $2,000 per month towards rent. So we can either get an apartment that's $4,000 where you're meeting me there. Or if you want to live somewhere else, I'm happy to put in that $2,000 without the wallet can contribute. Like not letting them.

Yeah, pressure you. Yeah. They're broken up now. So it makes me also think like, isn't there something I remember living in New York and I remember when I was making $40,000 and I had to be really specific about my rent.

I don't know if this means it's the max, but a lot of people have this rule of like, you could only pay for rent 30% of your paycheck or what you make. Is that true? That's it. So yeah, I love, so I use the 50, 30, 20 budget.

So 50% of your aftertax income goes towards needs 30% to wants and 20% to future you. So that within that 50% you can spend 30% of it on rent. But there's actually like all these articles coming out right now that because rent is so expensive that people are spending 40% on rent and in cities like New York, that's become really inflated. But 30% is a really good rule to follow.

Thank you for being that up. Do you think that it's beneficial to track how much each person in the relationship is contributing towards things like dates, food delivery, drinks while out at the bar, Uber's like AK more luxury expenses outside of bills and then necessary home expenses? You're talking about like a couple that most each other for ramen. Yeah.

Yeah, that sort of guy. Okay. Well, we celebrate that if it's what works for you and we love that for you. But like I am not the girl who has ever itemized my finances in that way.

Like I like the percentages to know, okay, the 30%, this is how much I can spend per month having fun. Maybe that means a trip. Maybe that means I'm like Tika and Bea Oma Pase, like whatever it is that's working for me that month, I'm doing it and I'm feeling generous. But yeah, I think that when you get into that for me at least, it makes it feel like our finances are really separate.

Whereas it feels really good when you're building a relationship with someone to feel like, okay, we're actually working towards something together. I agree. It's kind of like a natural social awareness thing when you're like, if he has paid or she has paid or whoever has paid for the past 10 dinner dates, but they make more than you, maybe you pick up the next one. Well, and just to make a suggestion of like, hey, I appreciate you and I recognize you and I want you obviously to know that I am also willing to put my credit card down and pay for something.

That's huge. A lot of people don't do that. Like I was working with someone who is always, she's a high earner and she usually dates guys who make less than her. But she sort of is working through some feelings of like, she's uncomfortable about how much she earns, she often lies about how much she's making to the guy, but always gets herself in situations where she is like, binkling the whole relationship and then feeling financially taken advantage of.

And so I'm really trying to get her to have like sit down and say, hey, are you freaking a few days to talk about money? Don't spring in on them. Few days come and then say, hey, you know, like I've been feeling like I am sort of picking up the check a lot when we're going out. How do you feel about that?

You know, is there anything that you think that we could do to sort of work on that? Obviously the answer is obvious. They should help pay, but you know, helping them come to that conclusion together is important. Yeah, that's a real thing.

At what point in relationship may a couple want to consider a joint bank account and what are the pros and cons here? Oh, jointing accounts are amazing. I think if you're moving in together, it makes a lot of sense. That's a great place to run all of your shared expenses through.

So you're putting in your utilities, your rent, all those things into that joint bank account, but you have to remember that whenever you are co-signing something financial with someone, you are sharing responsibility. So you should never do that with someone that you don't 100% trust and know that they can withstand, like they can hold up their end of the bargain. Like that same woman that I was just talking about, she, the guy that she was seeing lived, it was a long distance relationship and he wanted to rent a house where he was living. But the one that he could afford was sort of crappy.

She was like, okay, like I can help you. Like we'll get a nicer one. So when I come stay with you, I'm like excited. I like where I'm living.

And his credit was so bad that she actually just ended up signing the holdies and then they broke up and he's still living there. It's such a disaster for working on it. But she was thinking more about lifestyle versus like what are the implications of me signing this document? And I think it's really important to remember that.

Like the same thing with a joint credit card. Joint credit cards are amazing. You can earn points together, going great trips, but you should never do that if it's someone who spends recklessly and you can feel that. Yeah.

It's like you really have to trust the person that you're essentially taking a financial risk on. There's so many rewards, but there's also such really negatives that can come from it. If you don't really know what they're up to, then also you could check one day and your credit is back because you've been withdrawn for how many days or weeks. And it's like, I guess, I guess people may also be wondering like, what if the couple has different spending habits?

Let's say she loves to treat her as hell with shopping trips and nice dinners and he's more frugal and prefers to really only spend his money when it comes to travel. Like, do you have any tips on how to navigate this financially? Well, first thing I'll say, Alex is in order for a relationship to work, it doesn't mean that you have to have the same financial habits. As long as you're compatible and you can get to a mutual understanding and at least it feels fair, that's the goal.

The goal is not for you to each be spending in the same way for him to see you, you know, spending at the spa and being like, Hey, I should go to the spa too. Like, you gotta do what you actually care about. But I think it's really important to have common goals that you're working towards. And then having money every month that's just for you to put towards the things that you value, that's like no questions asked.

That's my financial freedom. That's just like, you don't need to know about it. Yeah. You know, I'm thinking of like speaking of vacations because I'm like, what if she likes to go on vacations?

Like, summers around the corner and obviously many of us may be wanting to plan a trip with our significant other like, do you have any tips for saving up for vacations? Yes. So, you know, I think vacation as a couple is such a great like moment because it can for a lot of couples, it's your first shared financial goal. Like, okay, we want to do something together.

That's so great. So first things first, figure out your number. How much can you, how would you want to spend on the vacation? And then I'm all about automation.

Like I swear, I don't have no investments, no savings, nothing. If I did not automate my finances, truly daddy game, like automate because you're going to forget to do things. Can you explain what that means? Yes.

So basically as humans, like think about when you wake up, you have so much willpower and energy, you're like, I'm going to exercise today. I'm going to do everything I might do to do list. And I'm like, you know, I'm going to go volunteer or your best version. But then by 3 p.m., you're tired, you want to cocktail, you'd like to, you know, close your minds, whatever it is.

So the same thing sort of happens to your finances where when you are first like making a financial plan, you can have all of this gusto towards an energy, but then when it actually comes three weeks from now or four weeks from now, when you have to go back into your finances, re-review them, transfer that money, you might not have the same energy because willpower is finite. So instead of relying on yourself, just automate these deposits and it will naturally build up. So it's never easy to set up from your checking account. You can set up an automated deposit into your high-level savings account, set up an automated deposit into your investment accounts, you know, your Roth IRA, all these things.

So it's naturally building for you and you don't have to worry about it. Yeah, I agree with you. It's like, sometimes you've been like, oh, wait, I did want to go on a shopping spree and I was supposed to put things into my savings today, but like in order to hold yourself accountable, it becomes like, no, remember where you were when you made the decision that it's so important to be putting these in fine in your savings. So stick to that and allow I get what you're saying.

The automated part of it is to just hold yourself accountable and to not have to then like go back and forth on how you feel about your decision. You know it's for the best. Let that leave. Yeah.

What about like, okay, so say we like saved for a trip, but I think a lot of times people struggle about like, what about any tips for budgeting and not overspending once you get on vacation? Because I think a lot of people get so stressed and like, you only budget it almost to get to the vacation and then you're like, shit, like we spent so much more than we actually planned for. Yeah, 100. I mean, we've all been there.

So I think like knowing your number in advance and then working backwards from there is really helpful. I also think traveling places where the dollar is strong is such a good idea. Like, I have a friend who recently went to Argentina where the dollar is really strong and she was like, girl, I had a five star trip for a two star price. Like saying at the four seasons, everything felt like it was 40% off.

I was like, okay, I need to book myself a trip there. Like that is a good idea. Amazing. So that's a good one.

I also, I know this is random, but eat your biggest meal and like most fancy meal at lunch because for whatever reason lunch is always less expensive. And so if you sort of treat yourself for lunch, then you can eat something more random street food, whatever for dinner, but you're still having that experience. And then just overall, we're not going to get that so random at lunch. Like, why is lunch so much less expensive?

Like it's the same food. I don't get it. But we're going to get it. I love it though.

It's such a good point. I'm like, okay, that is really tangible advice. I guess my next question also was like, what is the biggest financial mistake you see couples make within their relationship? Call Her Daddy is brought to you by Dove.

Have you guys heard that Dove just dropped a Dove reimagined version of the classic don't you to launch their new alcohol free whole body deodorant? A true 90s baby throwback moment. The best part is that Dove's new whole body deodorant is alcohol and aluminum free combining 72 hour odor control with nourishing skincare. Just gentle anywhere you apply it, which keeps you feeling hot, not burned for external use only the new Dove whole body deodorant alcohol and aluminum free.

Learn more at Dove.ca. Okay, the first one is definitely just financial infidelity, lying about what you make, lying about how you're spending. Like I have a big problem with like on social media, there will be, you know, lots of reels or TikToks where it's like women hiding their target purchases from their husband or like ignoring the budgeting talk or whatever, you know, you have to take an active role in your finances. Even though there's usually one person in the relationship who's a bit more interested, you still need to play a part.

You don't ever want to give someone else all your financial power. Like think about Erica Jean and Tom Jardee. Like she was like, whoo, I have a platinum card and I'm going to go shopping and then like now she's indicted. So it could happen to anyone.

Oh, it's so scary. It's so scary. Yeah, you can never blind trust. As much as it's so painful to have these conversations studying, it's also so important because it weirdly does build trust because there's transparency, but until you create that transparency, there can be lies and deception and not to say if you don't bring this up there can't still do that, but it allows you to actually have a greater chance to have a successful financial relationship with your partner and try to think also like just quickly for our for our ladies that aren't in a relationship and they're like, you know what?

I love this for you guys, but I am so low dolo over here and like Dow Jones, how do I feel lost and I have been there before? I remember when I graduated college, I'll be honest, I had no freaking idea what I was doing financially. I would call my dad and be like, I don't have money even start saving staff. Like, what do I do?

Like, what am I doing? Like, can you just give someone maybe that just got out of college is starting to make their first paycheck like a little crash course of just how they even go about beginning to manage their finances correctly? Okay, I've got you like, I am you, I feel you like, first of all, I am single. So I got it like, sorry that the rest of this episode didn't apply to you, but we're at this now.

Okay, so here's the thing about money. It doesn't really matter how much you make, it matters how much you keep. So even when you are as if you have a cash flow, then that is a chance to build the habit of having a little bit of money every month that you can put towards future you. And if you can't do that when you're making $35,000 per year, you're probably not going to be able to do it when you're making $350,000 per year.

So no matter where you're at, it's really important to build that habit. But I think the first thing you need to do is really just work on your mindset because none of us are ever taught about money. We are never like given these tools. It's something that is really fear-based.

It's very easy to ignore. And so the first thing is really just empowering yourself and being like, Hey, I can do it. I'm telling you if I can do it, you can do it because truly I did not know anything. So you know, like, and I've seen, I've seen thousands of people get from there to feeling so confident.

It's definitely doable. And then the second thing is just taking inventory of where you're at. And this doesn't mean looking through like years and years of being seen. Just looking one month that felt sort of normal.

It was a month where, you know, you didn't travel. You weren't sick and like not leaving your house and not doing anything. Just one month that felt sort of average and go from there and start to figure out how much does it cost to be you. And I have amazing free tools on my website that can help make all of this easier, including the money book, which is my personal finance, like magical spreadsheet because I did one thing else is that I did all of the apps and apps really don't work.

I think that with finance, you have to physically do it and like go through your, you know, your numbers, your bank statements, your credit card statements, because when you let something, when you let it be automated, you never make any change. Like it can tell you what to do, but you're never actually going to make any changes. So that's really important. I love that you said like we weren't taught this unless you were a freaking finance major daddy gang.

I remember getting into college and literally feeling so dumb because I didn't even know how to do my taxes. Like that is, I remember I got on TurboTax when I went, I left this anyone back to Pennsylvania. It was like literally crying to my dad being like, what do you mean after doing my taxes? Like I don't even know how to do that.

Like who would have taught me that? And then I'm thinking I was so fortunate to even have parents. Like there are people that don't have parents at this point and they're like, wait, how would you learn this? And it's confusing and it's daunting and it's scary and it's also at times like embarrassing to even admit that you don't know how to do it.

I want to just ask is my final question. Like, okay, this is a lot of great information. I can't thank you enough. Like you're such an expert on this and making it less scary.

But if this may be some of my listeners first time really thinking about their finances. So maybe listening to this being like, you just gave me the Sunday scaries because I now I don't know anything. I don't know anything. What would you say to that person right now?

The biggest thing that I want you to know is that you can do it and that any fear that you have or feelings of like, Oh, I want to shut this off. I like this is not for me. That is that's just fear and you can push through that. And this is all like more and buff it was not born knowing how to invest.

Everyone is born the same way with zero financial literacy. Okay. The only difference is that they learn they were taught and you were never taught. So let me teach you we can do this together.

It's really not that hard. And you can stay rich and get rich. This is you're going to it's financial independence and freedom is as important as emotional and like physical wellness. Like it gives you like it makes your life more full.

It is so empowering. So I, you know, like that's really how I feel is like it's not, it's not a matter of smart dialect. It's just a matter of like you know, whenever gave you the tools to understand it. So now as we're wrapping up, Daddy Gang is going to click the link in the description.

They're going to go to this your website and there's going to be this quiz that you're directing us to. I'm going to give you the exact link you can put it in the show notes and it will be the financial level language quiz and it works if you're single too. And it just basically will anchor you and tell you where you're at and give you actionable free tools to move forward and basically get you on your way. Amazing.

It's just such a scary part of everyone's life and unless you have someone that's like holding your hand and helping you through it, which most people don't, you just can start to avoid it. And that is the worst possible thing that you can do Daddy Gang. So Dow Jones, AK Haley, what do you like to go by? What do you like to go by?

I'm like, I feel like we're like, I'm getting like the last name nickname. I'm like, Haley, I'm like, I'm like, I'm broke. I'm like, no, I'm broke. But I can't thank you enough.

You're so good at your job. You're a really good job. I'm a huge freaking fan of yours, Alex. And I respected you so much as a businesswoman and also just as a content reader.

And I think it's so freaking awesome that you are even treading into these waters because I'm happy. Let's do it together. You are over it. I love you, bro.

Let's do it. I love it. And I really appreciate it because I know maybe someone listening is like, why the fuck is this on color daddy right now? It's like, because I care about everyone listening in this and I want to help you out and I have I've seen the ends of like, Alex, what do I do with my finances?

I'm like, I never thought that I would be the person that you're coming to. And I'm definitely not the person to come to, but let me use my platform and have people like you on Haley that can actually educate and make people not feel insecure and overwhelmed, but we can go step by step. So I think this quiz is a first step. And when I post this, guys, please, please DM me with your serious questions and we will come back on and let's do another episode.

Absolutely. Whatever you mean. I'm here for you. Thank you so much.