What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper. We call her. Nelly for Tato, welcome to Color Daddy.
Hi. I am so happy we are finally doing this. I'm the biggest fan. Thank you for coming today.
Oh my gosh, this is so fun. So I've only been here a few minutes. I'm having so much fun. I'm having so much fun.
We have to tell the Daddy Gang who are my audience. First of all, Daddy Gang. Nelly's daughter is Daddy Gang. Can you tell me what did she say when she found out that you were coming in Color Daddy?
Well, she's been wanting me to come on the show forever. She's been talking about it since like we started making music for this album, some of it together. And I was like, yeah, I mean, I love that. It would be great.
Like, your show's amazing. You're amazing. Love your energy. She's thrilled.
She's like right on. And then I was like, oh, I can come help me with that. So yeah, her friend are here today. They're excited.
She almost stayed in the room. But I was like, I'm just going to be like looking at her the whole time. So she's in the other room. It's so fun to have you here.
And it's so cool to like know that your daughter is Daddy Gang. Meanwhile, I'm the biggest fan of you. So it's all coming full circle. You've had such an incredible career.
Obviously, you've been in the spotlight. You've also made decisions to step out of it at times. Like, when are you at your happiest? Oh, wow.
In general in life. Yeah. Oh my god. Probably when I'm like at the park with my children, just kind of like pushing them on a swing or something.
But then I'm also quite happy when I am kind of waving my freak flag at a concert and singing on my concert on stage. Because it's also my other chance to really be myself. Like, I do feel very myself when I'm on stage. Like, I'm like, this is my chance to just be as weird as I want to be.
I fit in when I'm on stage, right? I think that's like a relatable, somewhat relatable idea of like, we have these two sides to ourselves. Like, no one is just one dimensional, right? Not at all.
That is like key. That is like, uh-huh. Yes. Would you say you're able to have someone of a normal life?
Like, if you're at the park. Are you at the park as like, mom Nelly? Or like, do people like come up to you and are you? No, I am very good.
I'm very chameleonic. Like, not only in my music, but like in the way I look. So I can be, I like, you wouldn't, you wouldn't recognize me. I mean, sometimes I don't care.
Like sometimes I don't, it depends what mood you're in, right? So true. Like sometimes you're like, let's be social and other times. Like, yeah, but usually I find around like, I'm not really, I don't really want to kind of engage in that way.
Okay, half now. No. Because this is color daddy. What is the difference in your opinion dating Canadian men?
That's American men. This is such a good question. I'm giving the juicy bits. Just so you know all my friends know this about me.
I love love. It's my favorite topic. I try to set people up all the time. Poorly.
I don't have a very good success, right? So they kind of roll eyeballs at me. Well, keep it. But I do love American men.
I do. But I've had some interesting Canadians along the way. You have. I was gonna say like, if you had to say some high quality.
Yeah. What is your type? My type. Oh, it's changing.
Okay. Yeah. My type is changing. Talk to me about it.
Well, I'm in my 40s now. So I'm about, I'm 45. I'll be 46. And it's like a new beginning for me.
It's like a very fun time in my life because I didn't really get to be single in my 20s, right? I was pretty like locked down in relationships like from the time and I locked down in a negative way. But just like, you know, I was in long term relationships for much of my 20s and 30s. It's only recently, I think in the last few years, but come single again.
So it's so fun dating. I love it. You do love it. Because it's on my watch when I feel like it.
Right. On my terms. On my term. And it's like when you come correct.
You know what I mean? Yeah. So now my type is like, come correct. You know, they ask me out on a date or for dinner or just like, it's all in the way.
You know, the words, you know, use the sort of, yeah, I like confidence. I adore confidence. Not you saying, come correct, boys. Come correct, man.
I love. That's a great attitude. Because I know I have a lot of single girls listening and it's like, I think a lot of people want to have that like excitement towards dating. Yes.
But you have to enjoy being single authentically. You can't just say, Oh, yeah, I'm not here. I'm having fun. No, if you're looking for a relationship, for real, then be authentic about that.
But if that's not what you're looking for, ask yourself, what do you want? You know, and if you want to just have fun and see what's out there. And that's fine too. You just have to know what you want.
But be real with it. Yeah. We're going to talk so much more dating. First, I have to acknowledge there is a another very famous musician that obviously is from Canada.
Who you actually performed with. Can you please explain how you ended up singing? I'm like a bird with Drake. Oh my God, Drake.
Yes, we go way back. Actually, he just asked me to come sing again a couple nights ago on Saturday night. He's like, he asked me at 11 p.m. to show up at 1 a.m.
And I love him to death, but I was like, I am not showing up without glam. Are you going to say like, I'm a flea? Like bitch, get me glam. Maybe I'll roll up.
I was up. I was up. But I was like, it was an event. It was like this really fun event in Toronto.
And I was like, no, I can't drop without glam because of course, you know, he's so famous. It'll be everywhere. I want to have my beat on. Okay.
I want to show you my beat. Drake, I want to show you how it fit outfit. You got to come snatch the gods with the lashes and the beat. You're like, babe, give me five hours.
I know you just didn't go. No, I could. I couldn't make it that time. But I'm obsessed.
But anyways, yeah, I do love him a lot. He's a great guy. And I think that, I mean, he's done a lot for the music industry. You know, Toronto was a secret for a long time.
A secret that I loved as well growing up there and making music there in my teens, my early 20s. But now it's just so nice. He kind of really put Toronto on a map in a different kind of way in Canada in general. But anyways, that's how that went down.
The fact that you can be like, Drake, I don't have my makeup tonight. I'll pass on this one. Oh my god, it's so baller. I know.
I kind of wish I did that because I saw a video and he looked pretty cute. He had a yellow track suit or something. And he looked good. Shout out Drake.
But then I'm like, what would I have worn pink? Because it would have been all videos of yellow and then, you know, look better. I love what you think of all this stuff. That's what performers do.
They always think about what things like pop, especially in pop music. You think about what things look like too. I want to talk before you were a performer because it is such a glamorous life and we get to talk about the outfits and the fashion and all of it. But before you were famous, you worked as a housekeeper in a motel.
Yes, a chamber maid. Was that your first job? Well, that's a good question. My very first job was actually, it was the same year.
I did like, I would jump over the fence at my childhood home and I would do filing for like a home inspection company. So I would, it was long hours, but it was helpful, I think, to just sit there and organize. And then I got a job at the motel. It was called the Robin Hotel.
Yes, and my mom worked there, my sister, my aunt, my cousin. My mom around the housekeeping department. She was like the head honcho there. And so she hired me and I would every morning just show up.
I mean, harder in the teen years when you're out. The night before and then you get there and I'm like, where's the coffee? Right. Hello.
My brother was gardening there at the time too. So we'd be like Saturday morning. Okay. But it was such a good experience because I worked there for probably 10 summer straight.
I even worked there one summer when I thought like after I graduated high school and I went to Toronto and thought I was going to be famous in two months, but reality, you know, like that's not how it works. Your goals take a while to achieve. Move back home, work there again that year when I was going to college in my hometown, Victoria. And that was the year I was like, oh, I wonder if my dreams will come true, you know, but growing up doing that was good because the work ethic because when you get into this industry, the hours can be long.
When you're starting out, it's a lot of hustling. I wanted to talk about that though, because the juxtaposition of like being someone that is hard working, working with your family, then you get famous and I think everyone now kind of has an understanding at least. I'm like, when you get famous, people start treating the famous person differently, right? Is there a moment that comes to mind when you really started to notice like, whoa, people are just treating me nice because I have all these things that I am famous now.
That's an interesting question. I think for me in particular, my parents come from these like really, really like working class routes. Like my parents are from the Azores Islands and a tiny island called San Miguel, like from a tiny village, you know, farmers, you know, like just they were already like. Picking beans and like carrying their water from, you know, the main water found in tow.
Like when they were like 10 or 11, you know what I mean? They're already working at the farm by the time they're 12. And so that's why that's where I come from. So you really can't get bougie on people when you come from those.
You get canceled in your family. You can cancel. So you can't. You can't even go there.
Like I have no business like acting like I'm better than I know I'm not, you know, because I go and I'm humbled. I think that's so fun to hear though because obviously like I didn't know that but hearing that and it does paint a better picture of like how you are so normal and like even talking to your daughter like before you came in here. I'm like, I need to start being bougie to air. But it's interesting even talking to your daughter how she was like I grew up with like a very normal life because she had stepped kind of out of the spotlight and now all the resurgence of everything and you coming out with this album and you know tick tock and everything.
She's like, now I'm seeing my mom out there being like, oh, like, oh my God, that's Nelly Furtano, but it's cool to see that like you've been able to live a pretty normal life while also having the superstar on the other side of your life. That's really funny. Sorry. I have a story in my mind because she said, I remember, you know, be careful what you wish for right because she's like, oh mom, yeah, you should start working again.
And then a year later, she's like, why are your hair appointments five hours long and your nail appointments are three hours like, like you've kind of become a diva mom. Well, but you know, this is my job. You're like, sweet. You know mom, Nelly.
Now you're about to meet Nelly Furtano, the superstar. She's a mean, you can't pick me up at the airport. I'm like, sorry, my hair appointment over. She was sorry.
She was living. I'm obsessed. Oh my God. It's like, well, you want to be back at work here.
This one to my mind. I'm back to work, babe. It's what it takes. Yeah.
That is amazing. She's like, God damn it. I read that magazines used to edit your photos by lightning your skin and changing your body. How did that affect you?
It's so funny because I always find it interesting what people cling to in stories. So I did a general interview with the time for people, but then that became a thing like, oh, this is the story. But then I realized, oh, I get it. It's like, I wrote a song about it in 2003.
I think it was my second album. And yeah, it kind of it's called Powerless and it's like paint my face in your magazines, make it look lighter than it seems, paint me over with your dreams, like Chevy Way, my ethnicity. So at the time, it's more about the idea of, okay, wait, like I'm in this bit. Like when you're young and you're 22, 23, it's like, it's a whirlwind, right?
Like all of a sudden becoming successful at the career, you always dreamed of. And if you're in it for the music, like I always was, I think that all that other stuff with the visuals and the aesthetics and the, oh wow, they like you when you look great on the red carpet and then the opposite is true as well. And just kind of questioning it all. But it is true.
Yeah, I bring my own clothes to photo shoots because I was like a girl. I was 21, 22, young girl. But yeah, you see, at the time, I think the beauty standard was a bit different. So I think that they would photoshop a lot and just kind of like, oh, I thought I had hips or my leg.
But it's hard anyways, because when you see yourself on TV for the first time, you always look different on the camera. And it can be a little jarring to be on TV and in a spot like that, my kid at a young age, I guess. So when you look back, like, because obviously, like, I think it's helpful. Like I get what you're saying.
Like, I did such a long interview and that's the one thing people picked up on. I think, no, I know, but I think it's, I get what you're saying. It's like that, I think for a lot of people now pick up on things because people finally do feel more comfortable to talk about things that were kind of like, Hey, that was kind of a weird decision. Like, am I not good enough as me?
Like, when do you look back? Like, when did you feel your most confident when you were younger? You know, what's so funny? I feel the most confident now.
What do you think that is? 100%. It's now. I don't know.
Something happened. I don't know. I just had like, I had the 40s glow up. I was just like, wow, I just feel like me, you know, I feel like I know what happened.
I had time to work on my inner life, you know, I had time to work on the things you don't have time to do when you're busy, right? And then you know, when you're burnt out and you don't get to journal and you don't get to, you know, go to therapy, you don't get to go do those things. But I had a good time of three or four years of doing that. So I think by the time I got to this stage in my life, um, yeah, I just feel, um, super happy with myself.
Um, even when I get criticized, you know what I mean? Like, I like even, I mean, who doesn't read the comments sometimes, right? It's hard not to. I think it's human nature to go.
Oh, what are people saying? Of course. And they're like, wow, certain things, right? Like, I feel like me personally, I've experienced like my body's polarizing, you know what I mean?
Which is so, it's crazy to say that what it is, because I see like, oh, wow, why did it? It's just like, wow, there's a lot of like comments that people are arguing about, like what I look like, or like, you know what I mean? It's so interesting what, uh, feels and triggers people. But I think at the end of the day, it can be really positive because you're starting conversations.
And that comes from confidence. And I think that's what it is. It's like when you, when you are confident, I don't know what it is, but I guess sometimes it can be threatening or very empowering. I think sometimes, yes, like people online are like, so triggered by certain things, which is interesting because you never know what's going to trip people up.
And the fact that you're saying like, my body is so polarizing, like, why do you think that's been? Well, first of all, my body's changed a lot. I've had three kids, uh, I'm curvy, you know, and I have a curvy body. I'm like, my, if you go to like where I'm, where my parents are from from, Sammy Gell, my body's no big deal.
Like everybody, every girl on the beach has the same bum that I have. But like, it's funny. I love it. It's true though.
So it's all context and just maybe they're comparing you to another era when maybe you looked different or anything like that. Um, but I've had fun with it because I've been wearing very body con clothing and it's very empowering. And I just kind of, I love, I love feeling this confident. I literally didn't even wear underwear on stage till like a year ago.
I love the booty out like six months ago. I appreciate 25 years into my career. I love it. I love that.
I love that you're talking about that though because I do feel like people tell you like, Oh my God, your twenties are going to be the best years of your life. And as much as those are really fun years, I do think the amount of women that I get to speak to, it is very inspiring to hear like, no, it actually only gets better because you do get to know when you're young and you're 20, as fun as you can have, you don't fully know yourself yet. You haven't fully lived enough to really like know what makes you happy, what makes you sad, what makes you uncomfortable. And it feels like I've now had enough conversations with these like really inspiring women to be like, Oh, bitch, it only gets better.
Like get ready. Like get ready for your 30s. Get ready for your 40s. Get ready for your 50s.
Like that's really exciting. Yeah, because you learn, you know yourself and then you can kind of look back and not laugh at yourself at fine things charming. Like, even in my 30s seems like a lifetime ago, right? You know what I mean?
But each decade is so beautiful, but I kind of feel like I was women like we just get more confident. And when you can block out the noise of all the comments that are negative, it's like, Oh, yeah, bitch, my booty looks amazing. Bye. Like get out of here.
When I was 37, I had like a flingation ship. I just coined this term. Wait, sorry, flingation ship is like a fling relationship. So flingation ship of love with someone who was 23.
And at the time, it was like, it wasn't that big a deal, but I was contextualizing it in my mind. Like, Oh, that's so interesting because your perspective continues to change as you get older and you reflect on different things in your life differently. Like my new album just came out, but I was listening to the one before it, not this one. So it's like a diaries, you can go back and go.
And so for me, music is a diary. So it's kind of fun. Let's talk about some of your iconic songs. Yeah, okay, first I just want to discuss I'm like a bird is such a classic.
What inspired that song? I'm like a bird was inspired by I was in a relationship in my very early 20s, right? It was like a first relationship kind of first kind of more like serious relationship after my long sort of long term high school boyfriend. It was the next relationship after that.
And yeah, it was in a relationship. And I was out in Los Angeles finishing my album kind of on my own. I was very isolated. I was probably 20.
I was 20 or 21 or something out there kind of in this little apartment. Just working on music and my collaborators were kind of older than me and they had their girlfriends and their wives out there, but not me. So it was a bit lonely and they're like, okay, write some new songs, you know, and bring them into the studio. I think it was our first day working in LA trying to finish my album after having made the rest of it in Canada.
And I was sitting on a sofa at the time. This place was called Oakwood Suites here in LA. And you go to the gym and you'd see like, I don't know, like kids, I guess who are, I don't know if they're working with Disney or what they're working with. But you know, it was the place that people went to make their dreams come true where they would stay when they weren't living in LA.
So I sat on a sofa and picked up my guitar and I wrote three songs that day. And the third one I wrote was I'm like a bird. And I'm telling you, the one I wrote before was trash. It was a really bad song, really corny, not good.
You never know, you might just be on the edge of something good, you know. Do you remember like when you played it for everyone like on your team? Like was everyone like, yeah. My manager was at the studio.
Yeah, my manager Chris was at the studio and he's like, oh, I want to hear what you wrote today. So I played him the three songs and I was convinced the corny one was good. It was really bad. I can, I can sing it.
Wait, please, take it for me in a second. It's really crazy. But anyways, so how corny are we talking? All right.
So this is the one that I thought was better. And I'm like a bird. Okay. It goes.
Anyway, it's like, he was cocked. Sure. And I was a pussy, had it in the corner. I couldn't come out.
He was cocked. Sure. And I was pussy, had it in the corner. I couldn't come out.
And I think the end was like, he or kitty, kitty, like I swear to God, I'm not even kidding. I thought that was better than I'm like a bird, which I then was the third song on the demo that I'd made that morning. No, no, no. Yeah.
Okay. I think the bird one's really good. They both had bird themes. One was copter's like a rooster.
I am literally like, no, this is like the best thing I've heard all day to know that it was between like a cock and a pussy versus a bird. Yeah. Oh my God. I'm watching literally trying to tick tock now because it's funny though, because I actually forgot about that.
So like a couple months ago, and I was like, whoa, that's crazy that I read a very horrible song and a song that might be quite good right after. I mean, I'm like a bird. I feel like forever going to be iconic. I'm curious because that song is so inspiring, right?
Have you ever walked away from someone that you felt like was holding you back, like in a romantic relationship? Well, that song was about that. So that song, I did, I did want to break up, you know, with that guy. So I kind of wrote the song.
Oh my God, did you write the song and then break up with it? Well, I sent it to him. And he and he and he said, Hey, I feel like I heard the song. Like, what's up?
Yeah, I did. Yeah. No context. You just sent him the song.
Well, it's like, Oh, this is my latest thing. Yeah. No, but no, I think I ended up that end of that relationship on tour, but it wasn't very it wasn't like from a payphone, you know, on tour, like I was with my band, you know, like it was one of those moments, but it's very normal. It's kind of like, you know, your college boyfriend, right, you know, and then you move on.
So that was my college, just like making music and touring. So I only did one year college. So then I met him around that time. So yeah, I had to make my jeans come true.
And I had to I had things to do and places to be. But like not like as sad as it is broken up with for him. It is kind of iconic that there is a man out there that can be like that song is about me. That is pretty fucking cool.
I'm sorry. Like I would take that song being written about me icon, historically, are you usually the one ending relationships or you? Oh, I like this question. Um, I've been dumped before.
Okay. Yeah, only once. Oh, yeah. It's a flex.
No, that's not true. Two or three times, but more like when I was younger, but but yeah, like I being having your heart actually broken by someone that doesn't want to be with you anymore really hurts really badly. So yeah, it's really, really upsetting. And I hadn't experienced that.
So like much later in life, so quite recently in the last five years. And that was really hard for me because I wanted to hang on. I wanted to hang on and I didn't get it. And I built up a lot of expectations and things based on things that maybe were more about me and selfishness, right?
And then it was like, okay, like when do I come to grips with reality? But I've also left. Yes, I've been the ender. Yeah.
Do you think it's easier to be the person breaking up or getting broken up with? Oh my God. It's hard. It's easier to break up with someone than to have somebody dump you.
You think dumped is the worst? It is pretty hard. No, no, no, it's the best though. Because they tell us, oh, because then you go, it's that whole thing.
Like you got to hit dirt, man. You got to hit rock bottom. I had hit rock bottom before and it's beautiful because then it just come out so strong and it's good. And I'm not saying it's like perfect.
And I'm like, oh, you know, we wear our wounds, don't we? Like our wounds never really go away. I don't think we can work on them. You know what I mean?
We work on them. But like, it's okay, you know, you have stuff to deal with, stuff to work through. But um, but yeah, I think I think it'd be a good place. Well, bottom of like, oh, you know, I go back to a lot.
Oh, he's just not that into you. Just look up if you're ever struggling with somebody who's broken up with you or somebody even anybody, a fling-gation ship, something like that. And you feel they're not giving you the tension you want and something's off. Just like go look up quotes from he's just not that into you.
It is so healing. It's not often. I've done it before. I think twice in my life where I'm like, oh, humbling.
It's good. It's good. So me too. Yeah.
I'm obsessed with you. You're like, yeah, it's great stuff. It really just knocks you back to reality. Yeah, because it's that whole if you wanted to be wood thing, right?
Absolutely. It's true. It is true. It is.
It's true. It's true. It's true. It's true.
It's true. It's true. It's if we wanted to be wood. Right.
Done. Okay. One of my personal favorite songs of yours is Man Eater. How would you describe the woman you're singing about essentially.
This is so interesting. So I really did kind of face that off of a woman that was friends with a time that a colleague was engaged to her, and she was a knockout, and just really was. I did personify that man eater energy. And what at the time, what I really really felt at the time when I was making that whole album with Timbaland and when we were making Man Eater as I did feel very I was actually only about 26 or something when I wrote that song, but I felt like there's something really empowering about masculine and feminine energy together.
You know what I mean? When somebody embodies both and I was trying to capture that in a song. And I really feel that when I play it live, it feels primal, it feels like it's for everyone. It's like almost like a verb, like you're man-y-dering.
You're like man-y-dering right now? Yeah, I think it's an energy, you know? It's such a confident song. I actually play a part of it in my tour because I'm like, oh, I can't wait for you to see it.
Now we as like all of these men come up and they're like magic mic dancers around me and I'm in my element. I'm the only woman on stage. And it's like, it is like this empowering feeling when you hear that song. I love that.
I love that for people. It's so good. Did anyone in your team ever when you have like the song you're like the pussycock, the bird, the man-eater, promiscuous girl, did anyone ever think that it was like too edgy or was everyone around you like we love this? No, not really.
I think I was like just making that record in Miami. I was feeling the vibes, I was feeling myself, I spent all day in a bathing suit, like playing with my kid on the beach. You know, like I was feeling myself in the sun, to be totally honest. And I was newly single, see?
Every time. I newly single brought a man-y-dering girl. Oh my God. Yeah, that's amazing.
I just kind of had fresh energy. That kind of, seeing the world through new like, I guess, red colored glasses. I love it. Yeah, that energy's very like, red and like passionate.
But also with promiscuous, I actually didn't write that chorus. It was Timbaland's idea. It was. Yeah, it was.
And then I sat down and finished the lyrics with Attitude This Amazing rapper that he was working with at the time. And I was hesitant, but my good friend Jim Bean set me down. He's like, I think this is authentic. And I really like this energy.
And you sound great on it. And I didn't know that I like, I laced up the verses and I sounded good and all that. And now when I sing it, I love it. It's like karaoke time.
It's promiscuous is another one of my favorites. In that song, how has your, because it is a very, again, in building and powering song, how has your relationship to your sexuality evolved over the years? How has your relationship to your sexuality evolved over the years? That's a good question.
And it will also give a quick shout out to the music I grew up on. So Salt and Pepper, TLC, trailblazers, those girl groups in the late 90s when I was a teenager, I was coming to age 14, 15, I was blessed to have that music to listen to. It was like Mary J. Blodged TLC, Salt and Pepper.
And they were giving this empowered sexuality and choice. It was about choice. It was about I'm in control of my choices. And that was the energy we wanted to capture with a song like, promiscuous, it's a choice.
It's like even playing built. I think to feel sexy to feel sensual, you have to spend time on yourself. You have to spend time alone, you have to spend time. Just you have to tap into pleasure, which is joy, right?
Joy is pleasure, right? So if you really feel, and embodied, like, I'm not gonna lie, I feel pretty sexy when I'm dancing, like I'm in the dance studio because it's such an act of self love to apply your mind and body to something like choreography and to feel that I would say it's like almost like an equilibrium. And I think from there, you can feel very confident. I think it's something you develop.
I think you're sexuality is something you develop, you know? And you start whenever in your early teens, and then you just develop for the self. And I think that's a healthy place to start. I think that's such a good piece of advice, because I think sometimes women can really feel like, oh my gosh, whether they were oppressed when they were younger, or religion, or whatever folds into it, or shame.
Sometimes we can feel like, maybe I'm just a non-sexual of a person as I want it to be, or maybe I don't feel as empowered to own it. And it's really like, if you know the more you know yourself, the more you'll know what you enjoy, and the more that you'll feel confident to be able to explore. But it's almost like it's a quiet game, you know what I mean? Yes.
Love love. You're just on the search for whenever, like, you feel your best. And no one can tell you, and you shouldn't ever search for it through someone else. No, I mean, I think people can teach you, you know?
Like I think you can grow in relationships. Like I think you can grow, and you can kind of like pick up things as you go, and like that ebb and flow again, but at the end of the day, yeah, you gotta feel good. You gotta feel good, right? Do you fall in love easily?
I'm changing, I used to. That was a fear. Yes, Alex, and. I'm a lover, I love love love.
I need muses, I'm a muses girl. Like I need, I think it's because I'm an artist, I'm a writer I create, and it's like I grew up thinking and just feeling like, I'm, I love like lovers. Like I love the idea of being just really inspired and the joy in dating and that. It's like, there's nothing like that, but I also enjoy my solitude so much that I have had people ask me like friends, like colleagues like, why are you even in a relationship?
You have so much going on in your mind. You should just date yourself. How are you even able to be, and it is true? I like my solitude so much.
It's sometimes it is hard for me to be in a relationship. Yeah. Because I'm just like, I wait for me. It's too hard.
Yeah. It's like I've always felt like more comfortable and maybe like more like a like an enjoyable kind of like, and I'm not going to say part time. I don't know what to say. No, what was the thing you said earlier?
I don't know. Flippuation ship, Noah. Oh, a flingation flingation. A flingation ship.
You're always wanting to be in your fling, Asian, is that how you say? Yeah, yeah. There you go. There you go.
Flingation ship. I think it's fun. I don't know. I follow my passions and my lust and my interest too.
I do have ADHD and I think it's affected me. Women experience it differently than men. I was only recently diagnosed, but I read a great book and I talked about how even as women with ADHD, we can pick partners to kind of make us feel like we're in the passenger seat because you want somebody else to make all the decisions for us and we just want to coast, right? Interesting.
And I found that really interesting when I read that because I was like, oh, yeah. And I think when I'm on my own, I'm more able to kind of navigate to my whole life in a way that works for my brain and for my comfort levels. Oh, interesting. But I do love love and I do love falling in love and I find that fun still, but I think my priorities have changed.
I mean, I think that's amazing to even just acknowledge your priorities have changed and you even talking about like recognizing something that can affect your relationship. You being like, I don't want to just coast. Like I do want to have more control over my relationships. Even you just recognizing that will probably affect the next relationship you get into and how you approach it, right?
Yes. And you want to stay yourself. I think that's the most important thing. You know, I have had a tendency to lose myself in relationships.
So, yeah. A part of why you return to music was because you were going through a difficult breakup. You talk about in these songs that experience. Can you share like what made this breakup so painful for you?
Oh my God. Oh, wait a sip of water. Yeah, let's say a sip of water. I saw your body just go, huh.
So you have an hour, sweetie. Work it again. Yeah. You know, I don't know.
It's sort of like life, you know, and then again, again, we'll talk about this experience even when you're in your 20s and you're growing. I mean, I always wanted to have a family, you know, to me and have children and this. We all have that dream, you know, just kind of settling down and like, oh, now I'm at the yellow brick road. This is so great.
Oh, wait. And now I'm at the yellow brick road, right? And it comes in all these variations, but I think I just had that feeling like I'd finally kind of arrived at that, you know, yellow brick road and it was like going to be that for me. And then it turned out that it wasn't.
And that's why it hit so hard. You know what I mean? Absolutely. Because it was the first time it had felt, you know, like that right, you know, where it was like, oh, you know, we've felt like, you know, you had that profound sense of a certain kind of piece, you know what I mean?
And a certain kind of certainty, right? And it's an idea when the certainty just kind of gets pulled out from under you or the rug gets pulled out. And you go, oh, my God, I have a lot to learn still. I have a lot to learn about me.
And you might have had a horrible experience, you know, and I, for sure, like I went through a very difficult time where I think I accepted some things that I would never accept now, you know, in terms of the way you're treated. And I share just a little bit, like not. Yeah, I will say. I know.
Of course, I know. I can't see it when you're in it sometimes. You cannot at all. You cannot see it at all when you're in it.
Sometimes we just love so hard and we love and I'm sure there's women out there too, you know, when we become mothers, we're quite vulnerable when we become mothers because we just want what's best for our kids and we want to protect them. And I think that in general, I'll say that it can really happen to anybody feeling powerless. You know what I mean? You can have all the money in the world and all the resources, but in the mind, really that is your only wealth is in your mind.
And so if you can't feel strong enough and clear enough to move out of a situation that might be toxic for you and not the best for you and also abusive in any way, you know, I think that, yeah, like I'm definitely like not here to like tear, you know, of course, anyone down or anything, but I think that it's honest to say that it is hard when you're in a relationship that has that imbalance, I will say, and abusive qualities. It is hard to see outside of it because you isolate yourself, you stop talking to your friends, you don't tell your friends the truth about what's going on in your life, you live in a bubble. And it's hard to admit that you have chosen to not say anything, right? It's hard to admit to yourself.
And then on top of that, the love, love keeps you there because, oh, you want to, and I will say that too, I think as women, we tend to sacrifice our happiness sometimes, once we're in it, of course. We fall in love, right? We tend to, we sacrifice ourselves sometimes. Yeah.
And we think we're doing the right thing. Yeah. So often. And I appreciate you sharing that too because I think when you are in those situations and you get so isolated, a lot of times you're like, how would I even begin to unravel this, right?
Like how do I even begin to get away and like to restart? Fear is huge too because when you have, when you fear, you know, when you have fear, that can be a very powerful emotion. You can be afraid, but you can kind of like you create it in your mind, you know, you can be afraid to go like something you're going to do to me or say about me or like, you know, et cetera, et cetera. I don't know.
Fear, you fear that. And again, it's heightened when you have, you know, like kids and like there's whole other things to think about or I also agree with you because I have talked about this on the show before too of like the thought sometimes of leaving and all the things that you think it would take to leave. It just feels more daunting, almost than just staying. Yeah.
Can you share like how, how do you know? I have a song about it on my album. And I appreciate you writing about it because it's like, it's so real and so many women listening to this are going to be like, Nellie, thank you. Water.
Thank you for sharing though because it's like, I do think and it's not like on you to help all these women, but it is like the more we talk about it, the more people I know someone's going to be watching at home right now being like, oh my God, if Nellie was going through this and she says that she got out of it, like I can too, like, can you share how you knew it was time and like how you actually took the steps to get away essentially? I think there were moments where I almost had the strength, but again, like something would keep me there. You know, I was like, oh, this is, you know, this is the moment. So I think that in, I will say having remarkable friends, like I'm very lucky.
I have some really, really amazing friends, really core, like childhood friends that have been there for me, my whole entire life. And they just, they just kind of knew what to say to me and knew what was too much or too little. And even the hard stuff, you know, I have some friends that I will say to ladies out there, you know what, those people that are telling you what you don't want to hear, those are the ones you need to keep close. Hopefully, they know you well enough to not repel you with judgment or anything like that.
It's not judgment. You can sense when it's love and I think everyone has someone, you know, maybe one person or one voice in their life that is maybe like reminding you when stuff is not okay and like what your worth is and what behavior is unacceptable if you cannot see it for yourself. It's so true. It's like you see one person.
Yeah, you do. One person. Yeah. To just kind of be like, no, actually, I'm not going to talk to you anymore.
Right. Right. Or whatnot. But like, a tough love doesn't work all the time.
It like it's in doses, right? And I think I'm trying to think of another thing that helped me. I think, ooh, geez, that's such a good question. I think you have aha moments, you know what I mean?
They just have sometimes like a moment where you're like, okay, you know, and then sometimes I guess I was lucky in a way because maybe like on top of it, I wasn't really the one who chose at the end of the day. Like, you know what I mean? I went through a rough time, but then at the end of the day, it wasn't really my decision, but then I quickly learned that then, okay, now I'm doing me. Now's, you know, I'm doing me now.
It's such a vicious cycle that you can get so wrapped up into. And then when you get released from something like that, it can almost feel like withdrawal symptoms because you're like so used to the up and the down and the toxic like you do. And then for some reason your brain only feeds you happy memories. It's really weird.
Melly. It is so fucked up. You're like maybe was actually the best shop like the movie we went to. And it's like very weird.
It's so fucking tough. That's tough phase when your brain feeds you all these happy memories. That's what you would have because they're all our happy memories. That's why you stay there because there are some great things.
So it's tricky to navigate. It is. It's a big mind FUCCA. But I really appreciate you talking about it that way too because I know so many women write in feeling like I feel so much shame that I'm even thinking about this person that hurt me.
And I feel like it's like don't feel shame. Right? No, don't feel shame about it. It's not natural.
You know what I mean? It's natural to want to still feel a multitude of feelings. And yeah, it's just totally normal. It's a process.
You know what I mean? Because the truth is it's like anything right? Love is. But if I was to give advice on romantic love to my children, I'm going to vote for the Golden Retriever.
I'm sorry. It's got to be best friends. I think you have to have an authentic true friendship. It's about partnership.
You know, forget all the other stuff. It's about partnership. But also stay you, man. Stay you.
Yeah. Listen to your friends. When you have a gut healing, your friends are usually always. Oh, that's the other thing your gut is always right.
The little voice in your head that tells you and this is not even this like and this is past relationship with the little voice. It's always right. And it's so hard because I know it's so cliché to say but it's like then why do we always ignore it? But that's like we gaslight ourselves.
I have a song. Actually, I think I'm going to put on my blog. It's called Gaslight. Yeah.
Another album title was Red Flags. Oh my God. Too relatable. So anyways, yeah.
So Gaslight, we gaslight ourselves in a way. You know what I mean? Because it's like boom, boom, boom, boom. Oh, it's yeah.
It's like echo chamber. Can you share like how do you get your confidence back after a breakup? Oh, me? Kind of like exercise and going out.
I started to go out a lot. Oh, after my breakup I was ready. I was like, I was like, it was such a long, dwindling breakup at the end. I was like, I'm dating.
This is awesome. I'm like, I'm in a day after all the ending stuff. And then I, and I just went out and had fun. And just, I think I really found a lot of joy in like dressing up again and like clothing and fashion.