It was a cold winter's day in the north, far worse than the usual kind. Pro-up-ras-unar! Oh, but look, here's our protagonists wandering out and about on the tune without a big coat on. Not just because he was a northerner, but because his heart was as cold as a rock.
Paul Beniza Scrooge, or just Paul to most, was coming back from the BBC Radio Newcastle offices where he'd just finished promoting his podcast, oblivious to the fact that it was Christmas Eve and everybody else was getting ready for the holidays. Personally, I don't like the cold. I'm after Spain with the bends and the other half. All inclusive, you know.
This time I've got all inclusive. I'm going to be a complete mess all week. He-man. Paul was a podcaster in one of the city's nerdy groups, but despite his love for nerdism, he hated Christmas.
Something about the holidays always made him angry, much to the sadness of those around him. Is that a dog? A fucking he-dog to me like? Scrooge worked with a man named Bob Cratchit, a family man who did a lot for Paul in his spare time.
Mr. Paul, sir, I was looking at the podcast schedule and it says I'm working tomorrow. Yeah, we need to get this recorded tomorrow. Why?
I was hoping to get the day off. It's Christmas Day. Christmas Day? Baa!
Subscribe to us on YouTube. That's a good excuse every year for Robin Lee Blind. Robin, you! Mr.
Paul, sir! You don't even take you. I'll eat fine. You have Christmas Day off, but I want you in first thing tomorrow.
It was a good thing that Cratchit had asked first because he had just sworn out what little patients Paul had left. Oh, and here comes some lads from the local charity. Oh, nah, he's got a gun by listing. Good day, Mr.
Scrooge and Merry Christmas. We're collecting for the local charity to help shell a poole animal like cats and dogs. Come and put you down for a sizeable donation. I hear charity and animals, especially little dogs.
Get up me office. Hey, Mr. Scrooge, didn't be shunned. It's Christmas time man.
Christmas? Baa! Follow us on TikTok. Get out!
He's going absolutely off it, isn't he? I know the story says he's a angry bloke, but this is outrageous. Oh, no. Is that someone singing carols outside his office now?
They better run quick. The boy kicks their shit in. Who's that singing out of your door? I'm going to kick their shit in.
Told you. Oh, nah. Two-man Paul. Best peg at leg.
Get out of your little bastards. Sing Christmas songs of your doorstep, will you? Baa! Join the Discord.
That bloody is crude. What a bastard, eh? Lucky for us, this was no ordinary Christmas. You see, Paul Benisa Scrooge was about to receive something only available to wealthy white people.
A second chance of redemption. You're a meat. Fucking hell. Wait, chill out, man.
It's me. You're all podcasting partner, Jake from Gaming Up North. Oh, Marley. Yeah, they'll do.
You've just materialized in my bedroom. Almost give me a bloody heart attack. Never mind that, mate. I've come with a ghostly warning.
So did you like not hear that part? YouTubers normally have a better reaction face, you know? No, I'm still fuming, man. You've just come up and away?
Sorry about that. Being a ghost is hard to control sometimes. Eh, a ghost. What's happening?
In life, I was your sometimes co-host. But I sold my soul to the demon Sonic for 10,000 Twitch bits. And now he has me roaming the earth, terrorizing Italian plumbers. Sonic the Hedgehog?
Yes, Paul. That's Sonic the Hedgehog. I am completely lost, y'all mate. I saw your little display earlier on.
And being the most holier than thou member of Nodieb North, I thought you could do with a lesson about the value of Christmas. You will be visited by three spirits tonight. And each will teach you a lesson you won't soon forget Paul. Expect the first one at midnight.
I must go now. I got a hot date with Big The Cat. He's dead too. Well, goodbye.
I'm Molly and Molly. I'm Molly and Molly. Mental isn't it? Can you imagine a ghost just showing up in your gaff telling you to find the meaning of Christmas?
That's like some YouTuber trying to tell you that the rings of power isn't a massive pile of wank. Anyway, Scrooge tried to forget his old business partner's warning and get some sleep. But then he was awoken by the striking of the 12th bell. Hugo's there, someone out there eavesdropping.
I ain't dropping no eaves, honest. I just thought you could do with a little Christmas joy. Little A for Christmas joy, isn't it? Baa, join the Facebook group.
You're supposed to be anywhere. I'm sure Mr. M.S.E.R.E. and I'm playing some wise gimchi.
The ghost of Christmas past. And how exactly are you planning on giving me Christmas joy? From my club, my pool. And I'll show you.
It's better not take three movies to get to the fucking point. The drab interior of Scrooge's study quickly faded away. Stars wheeled by and Sean Aston of Christmas past led him to a familiar sight. A dark, smoky room with a small voice at around a meager fire, putting bricks in his mouth in the dim light.
Who is that boy? That me? I am. I absolutely stopped chewing out cold bricks and gummy air.
I've got something for ya. Oh yes Dad, what have you got for us? Yeah you're gan lad. It's been a tough year down pit but I've got you a link sappricket gift set.
Getting thanks dar, love ya. Oh touching moment. Although he didn't have any money, he still provided a heartwarming gift for his son. Heartwarming.
I blew my bloody eyebrows with that deodorant. Where was the Christmas joy in that? The gift wasn't what's important. It just goes to show that there's some good in this world Mr.
Paul. And it's worth fighting for. I've got a new idea what you're talking about. Let's have a look at another year.
Oh this is a strange place. It reminds me of my door. No. I know this place.
Cherry Noell. I used to have a chair all the time. Normally friends I had for a Christmas rave. You look happy dancing with your friends.
I had no worries then. Spending my Christmas all day with friends. Exploring abandoned buildings. Jason Big Tiddy Goths.
I was a prop idiot. Could have been focusing on business. Oh Rosie, can't I? Dancing.
What? Rosie can't I? Dancing. She had ribbons in her hair.
If ever I was to marry someone. It would have been her. I'm gonna leave. That's right Mr.
Paul. And I'm coming with you. No you fucking don't. Oh.
I'm Joe. I'm Paul. I hope you aren't like this with the next ghost. He'll visit you soon.
Quick as a flash. Scrooge was back in his bed chambers. Thinking about Christmas is gone by. Suddenly he heard a noise coming from the next room.
So he went to take a look. He's got some brass like. If I heard a strange bloke in my house in the middle of the night. I'd give him one.
I mean, crack in one. Yes. I suppose you're the ghost of Christmas present then. Me?
I'm the ghost of Christmas present. Just said that man. He way anyway. Don't recognize you.
I'm Sean Astin playing Bob from Stranger Things. Okay another Sean Austin. Let's get this over with her. Where are we Sean?
You won't recognize this place. As you've never been to Cratchit's house. Why would I go to the houses of people I work with? The family is about to arrive.
And where have you been? Dinner's are nearly ready. We were down near the church. Tim said it would be good for the lads to see a cripple.
He's full of it. I said I needed to go to the hospital for my incident and he told me we needed gravy. You've been on them gravy mines again haven't you? You've got a real problem Bob.
The boy needs his medicine. Now now let's not fight. It's Christmas. But Dad meet blood sugars.
It's Christmas boy. Shut up about your pancakes. I'm going to get you. I'm going to get you.
I'm going to get you. The boy. What do you make it? The future is uncertain.
But if you don't change your ways, I see an empty chair next year and an insulin pump without a user. Me? Sounds like Bob is the one with a problem. Why is he spending his family money on gravy and other boys medicine?
Look, they're about to carve the goose. Or like to raise a toast to Mr Scrooge, the founder of The Feast. I'm the founder of The Feast. Oh, the feast.
He doesn't pay you to use him to make content. He was here acting like a right girl's kickin'. Oh, fuck it ill. This thing isn't good.
Tim, that has to be that Hannah. Hannah, for a goose. Oh, motherfucker. Oh my god.
Oh. Oh. Pause. I'm not going to get out of here.
I'll get back here. We'll be staying. Pause again, Empire will not be defeated. Poor Tiny Tim.
It's not his fault. He's got a shit pancreas. Sometimes that's just a hand you'd help though. Like my neighbor Sheila.
She came home the other day and found her husband in bed with another woman. Absolutely shocking poor chick. I've been saying it for years though that her lad's been propping for a pegging. You didn't hear it from me though.
Alright, she's summarizing Bob from Stranger Things. That means the next one she will surely be. Hey, Scrooge. Are you ready to check out the future?
Who the fuck are you? I'm Sean Anthony's most famous role. Dog from the movie 51st Date. Unbelievable fine, let's go.
Where are we? This is the netty up north office. The channel becomes a very successful business and really takes off for you in the future. Where am I?
In your office of course. Planning the schedules for the year to come. That's really good. I'm even dead.
I mean if I go the way I am now, I'll have a successful podcast. Hardcast. No, no friend. Your currently fullman season 27 of Top Rumps.
It's become a hugely popular card game. Hello, Top Rumps offices. A huge sponsorship deal you say. Well that's a very attractive offer.
I'll take your details and get back to you. Guys, that was pop figures. Trying to get another sponsorship deal offered half a million this time. Ha!
As if man. When I'm pedaling that shade. Big Trev, give us twice that last time anyway. Your vile spirit.
I hope you show me these things. I wish you were Goony, Shornos and he would be kind to us. Well, it's not exactly said in stone. You still have time to change things, don't you?
But what must I do? How can I avoid this horrible future? Just in place, Christmas. Be nice to people and give presents.
Of course. Christmas is the key. And what happened then? Well, in Nunville they say that Paul's tiny heart grew three sizes that day.
Medically this is probably down to a diet of used pop vinyl packaging and cheap villicola. But doctors would later find this abnormality and get him on the right medication. I'll be the jollyest, happiest, most Christmassy man there is. I'll admit Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Oh, I'll say every movie is a Christmas movie. Even Jaws. Thank you Shornos and I'll kiss you. Yeah, I think it's time for me to go.
I'm not going to another Christmas spirit's HR seminar. Lady Gator. Back in his bed chambers, Scrooge awoke to a fresh Christmas morning. With the resolve to change his ways and avoid that grim future.
He ran to the window to look out on the city with fresh eyes. You there? Boy on the street. What day is it today?
Fuck off your nonsense. Oh, er, erm, you there? Outrageously tall boy. Do you know the spa in the street corner?
Ah, you're not. Go there and buy me the finest pop in pot noodles I have. Come back in ten minutes. Just one noodles I may make.
You know what? You're right. There's Jack, you might still have an enormous roast monkey for sale. The pork chimp.
I got still there. I want to buy it. Fetch a butcher and chimp and I'll give you a prize. G'nuh-un.
I'll send it to Bob. You'll never know it was me. In fact, he'll go over there and give it to him himself. And so, Scrooge went to visit the Cratchitt's house.
A totally normal thing for an employer to do. And not creepy as fuck at all. Ah, be mates. Glad I bumped into you.
Oh, so rude yesterday and I'd like to support you charity by doing a 24 hour charity podcast next month. I'll find loads of deals and be in touch. Thank you, friend. Who the fuck was that?
Wasn't it that bad you kicked it off and she just thought he's off as yesterday. You're right, that is him. What's he on about? 24 hour podcast.
We need money, man. Mr. Paul, what are you doing here? What am I doing here?
What are you doing here? You should have been to work a few hours ago. What, Mr. Scrooge, sir?
You said I could have the day off. Day off? You think I gave you the day off? It's not Scrooge, Anna.
I'm going to go off there. All my earrings. I'm going to actually close. Fucking eyes out.
Whoa, lass, relax. If I had to change your heart, I'd come round to celebrate Christmas with you and your sickly child. How do you know I've got a sickly child? Me and Sean Ossen were watching you through the window last night.
Now let's all go inside. I bought an enormous amount of meat and gravy for us all to share. The fuck you were all these people? I'm just going to have a meat and gravy lake.
And so, Scrooge joined the Cratchitt's for a lovely Christmas meal. And even though Mrs. Cratchitt was still proper fuming, she had a couple of glasses of port and quickly wound her neck in. Bob, I've been thinking that maybe you do deserve something in return for all the work you do.
Yeah, I've got your rare pop vinyl for you. Oh, thanks, Paul. You all done with that. It will only ever increase in value.
Tiny Tim, I heard your punk miss is worth shit. So for you, I've got new sugar pop vinyl. This is worthless. I need medicine, please.
To Mr. Paul Scrooge, the nice, rich man in town to every bullet to introduce a charity by ghost. Here's to you. Cheers.
Oh, it's a special Christmas treat. Let's all do a special episode of the podcast to talk about our top five Christmas movies. And Scrooge was as good as his word. He was as good as any man in the good old world.
Not entirely sure what that's supposed to mean like, and sometimes good men are boring as fuck. And you just want a snort of poppers and a really bad boy. Anyway, it was always said that Paul knew how to keep Christmas well. And to Tiny Tim, who managed to sell his pop vinyl for some insulin, Scrooge was like a weird uncle.
And as he always said, God help us, somebody please help us. Sharp, Kimlette, thank we as is unreal. Good night, everybody. And Merry Christmas.