Neuro-affirming Self Acceptance with Dr Emma Bede

Am delighted to be sharing this interview with the fantabulous Dr Emma Bede. We met online when we were both presenting at Online Events’ Living and Working with Neurodivergence Conference last year and she is SUCH a joy.SIGN UP FOR THE FREE NEWSLETTER AND GET MORE INFORMATION HEREHere are some of my favourite quotes from our conversation:“These are the structures I need to have in place. I think as someone with ADHD, I think if I think of that as like, ‘Come on, you’ve got to do this every day for the rest of your life,’ I just get angry.” ~ Dr Emma Bede“I’m not very good at forming habits. Things don’t become autopilot except for the really unhelpful things. I played Candy Crush once and I’m going to play it every day for the rest of my life. But for the helpful things, I’m never on autopilot, you know, I always need the reminders, the prompts, the visual cues, the apps, the habit trackers. But I’ve been gradually adding more and more things.” ~ Dr Emma Bede“I can’t do all of those things every day, but they go in waves and I’m getting better over time at noticing, oh, I’ve skipped a few days of this actually. And I quite kind of miss it and I want to come back to it. I want to feel how I feel when I do that thing and that might mean that I give up on something else a little bit.” ~ Dr Emma Bede“I’m saying to other people, ‘Well, that’s OK. That’s how your body works. That’s how your brain works. Let’s find a way to go with that. Let’s find a way to go with the rhythm of that.’ And then to walk out of the room and swear at myself for doing the exact same thing? You can only sustain that for so long.” ~ Dr Emma Bede“If you’re holding a screwdriver in your hand and everyone else is holding a spanner, you can sit there for years trying to use it as a spanner and it’s not going to work. But then you go, ‘Do you know what? This is a screwdriver. I cannot do the things that those people can do with their spanners, but screwdrivers can do amazing stuff. I’m going to go do some of those things!’” ~ Dr Emma BedeJOURNAL PROMPTSAs you watch or listen to our interview, ask yourself:· Who can you be that honest with in your life? Advocating for your sensory needs while also loving and accepting them?· How can you be kinder to yourself when you meltdown? What will help you repair? Remember, the reparation allows deeper healing and connection than if you were to somehow magically become the perfect parent/partner/therapist etc.Let me know in the comments or by email – [email protected] grá (with love),EveCHAPTERS0:00–1:54 Self-care without punishment: the paradox of acceptance and change1:54–5:13 Welcome and introductions: Dr Emma Bede5:13–13:02 Ideal vs actual self-care: ACT, gentleness, and finding a rhythm that works with ADHD/autism13:02–20:06 Self-acceptance, perfectionism, and “acceptance permits change” (including the screwdriver metaphor and RSD moment)20:06–28:21 Support systems and boundaries: co-regulation, humour, cats and spotting capacity before meltdown28:21–33:06 Healing your Younger Self: reassurance, being more of you, and not being a “tribute band”33:06–35:35 Where to find Emma, book mention and closing notesLINKSEmma Bede’s website:https://www.willowpsychology.co.uk/https://thefeelbettereverydaypodcastfor all episodes and more informationhttps://selfcarecoaching.netfor free resources (including Míle Buíochas Mondays), more information and to book a free telephone consultation for potential clients and supervisees (and for media enquiries or booking me for events).#AcceptanceAndCommitmentTherapy#selfcareforAuDHD#selfcareforADHD#selfcareforautism#dremmabede#newpodcastepisodeFULL TRANSCRIPTThat paradox between that second, the Love [part of your framework] of “You’re perfect as you are, you’re wonderful.” And also, “Right, what are you going to do today? How are you going to make today better? How are you going to fix yourself?” And to have those two parts alongside each other. But I think it connects to that very first thing you said. It’s not what you’re doing, it’s the attitude with which you’re doing it.And to situate all this kind of self-care, not in a kind of punitive, come on, you’re malfunctioning, you’re not quite as good as other people. And if I just whip you hard enough, you might just about be up to scratch. Yeah.But all that self-care, including the difficult stuff and the self-regulatory stuff and the boring stuff to come from that position of it’s because you’re wonderful and you’re lovely and you’re okay and you deserve to be here. It’s because of that that I actually think you should probably get a good night’s sleep. Yeah.Welcome, Emma. Thank you so much for joining me. I met Dr. Emma Bede when we were both presenting at the Online Events Neurodivergence Conference last October.And I so loved what you were saying, and the compassionate approach you had to your own needs with neurodivergence and trying to be loving towards, in the case I’m remembering, someone you were eating with, but the communication that, like, I know you do so much amazing work.Can you tell people where they might find you and what you’re working on at the moment?Yes, I absolutely can. And also, the feeling is mutual because I came to your presentation at the conference and used cats as a medium of explaining Polyvagal Theory, which I’ve never managed to grasp until someone put some cats in front of me and suddenly everything made sense, because that’s language I understand.You’ve made my day.Yes, so I do a mixture of different kinds of work. I’m a therapist, first and foremost. I work with neurodivergent neurotypical people. I do autism and ADHD assessments and kind of post-diagnostic support, but also support for people who don’t want to or aren’t currently ready to or choose not to, for whatever reason, go through a formal process before or after. And I do quite a lot of workshops and presentations and so on.And I’ve just, I’ve got a book manuscript deadline in a couple of weeks, which is exciting as well. Yes, I’ll look like that after I’ve handed it in. But right now, I don’t quite look like that.But yes, so I don’t do very well on social media because I’m not very good at being consistently doing the same thing every day. So I’m mainly at my website, which is willowpsychology.co.uk. And I do quite a lot through Online Events. I do quite a lot of teaching and workshops through there, but I try and post everything on the website.In theory, I have a newsletter and people have signed up to it and I haven’t yet put an edition out. So if people sign up to a newsletter, if enough people sign up to it, I will have to actually write it at some point. So that’s also part of the plan.So you could say quality, not quantity.Yes. Led by the muse who shows up sometimes 30 times in one day and sometimes not for a month. So yes, it’s rather like that. Yeah. Wow.Well, good luck with the book manuscript. I’ll definitely, I’ll add it to the show notes when it’s available. When it’s available to pre-order as well. I would love you to say a little bit about your ideal self-care and your actual self-care, particularly around neurodivergence trauma.And I’ve briefly explained my framework where the Feel bit, Feel. Love. Heal, the Feel bit because in different moments, let alone different days, we have different bandwidths. We need different things.The same activity or the same approach one day could be pure self-care. The next day it could be punitive. So, the Feel bit is that kind of lowercase hyphenated self-care, the regulatory, the things we can do to help ourselves feel better.The Love bit is the kind of Love archetype in psychosynthesis, the acceptance, the there’s no need to change a thing. You’re part of nature, part of the divine already whole. And I’m aware this year it feels like there’s more people saying that around New Year, New You, forget that you’re already wonderful. But we also know when we accept ourselves, when we’re compassionate to ourselves, any kind of change we do want to make, it becomes much easier because we’re not in the Stress Response. That’s the love part. And then the Heal part is the co-regulation, the collective care.I hope I’m not overwhelming you with all of this and continue to ask questions as needed. But what would you say would be your ideal self-care in terms of things you do to help yourself feel better?And just to pick up on the way you frame that, I think one of the therapies I use quite a lot is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). I find it’s a good fit for me personally and also for a lot of neurodivergent people who maybe haven’t got on with other well-known therapies.That paradox between that second, the Love [part of your framework] of “You’re perfect as you are, you’re wonderful.” And also, “Right, what are you going to do today? How are you going to make today better? How are you going to fix yourself?” And to have those two parts alongside each other. But I think it connects to that very first thing you said. It’s not what you’re doing, it’s the attitude with which you’re doing it.It’s the attitude with which you’re doing it. And to situate all this kind of...