Not Just Change, Transformation.

This week’s guided meditation comes with an audio dharmette available to paid subscribers, from an online meditation group that I led for the Insight Meditation Society on 6/23/25.My husband told me my butt turned inside out when I was giving birth. Sorry to start with something so graphic, but I really can’t help myself sometimes, and giving birth is just one of those things that I think should be talked about more, in all its gory detail. It’s wildly transformative to have your body become a portal for another life, and it happens all the time, so we get weirdly casual about it. But make no mistake: there’s nothing casual about your butt turning inside out.There’s also nothing casual about what’s happening right now in the world - in the climate, in Washington, the hunger, the wars that are ongoing and the ones that are erupting. The world’s butt is turning inside out, and it’s all very scary for many people. But if we were to look at all of what’s happening without judgments or labels, we might be hard pressed to find an accurate adjective, devoid of judgment, assumption, or opinion, to describe what’s happening. So to put it bluntly, what’s happening right now is change.This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Some people might be triggered hearing me refer to what’s happening simply as “change.” Maybe it seems like I’m trivializing it or distancing myself from it. You might say, “it’s not just change, it’s bad and wrong. Feel how hot it is outside - are you even paying attention? The world is not just changing, it’s imploding, it’s ending, it’s getting destroyed, everything is going in the wrong direction and it’s all our fault, so stop sitting on your ass and calling it ‘just change.’”Admittedly, I do have a tendency to emotionally distance myself from difficult things. I can definitely be the avoidant type. So those accusations may have some truth to them, but equanimity does not need to mean detachment. Equanimity involves seeing a bigger picture, and letting that support us in connecting even more deeply with what’s happening. Because if we’re being honest, in the grand scheme of things we really don’t know what is good and what is bad. However we judge it, it’s simply what’s happening. As I write this it’s 97 degrees here in northern Vermont. Yes it’s easy to feel how god awful that feels at this very moment (especially at 6 months pregnant - bringing a child into this world?) and think “this shouldn't be happening.”But you know, a lot of things are deeply unpleasant, but that doesn’t mean they are bad or that they shouldn’t be happening. Going for a run can be unpleasant, so can moldy bread, teenage hormones, and your butt turning inside out. But these things aren’t all bad, and many of them are an important or essential part of life (penicillin came from moldy bread. Oh, and everyone came from childbirth). It’s just that when we are not familiar with something and it’s unpleasant, it’s very easy to jump to the conclusion that it is bad. And as a result of labeling it this way, we do not stay curious or open, and we miss an opportunity to open to something new, to let the world open us.Maybe it’s true that what’s happening isn’t just change, but more specifically transformation. And maybe that’s what has us so freaked out. It’s not just your average winter-spring-summer-fall on repeat, it’s a metamorphosis. And maybe there’s no going back. But the point of this path of practice is not to just get used to the kinds of changes we’re familiar with. The point is complete and utter transformation from rigidity, into infinite capacity for the limitless change of the universe.Everything that’s happening, when met with kind, curious attention - can be used for awakening, both for ourselves, and for the world. The same can be true for what we’re witnessing in the world. We don’t need to have a solution, or even any clue what to do. Sometimes just allowing ourselves to be moved by the movement of the world is the path. To feel it, to learn from it, to let it show us our edges — our fear, our resistance, our exhaustion — and then to soften, just a little, in the direction of curiosity.Curiosity is a powerful tool. Sometimes it’s out of reach — and that’s okay. Taking care of ourselves is essential, too, and not just a break before the real work starts. But when curiosity is available, even just remembering the possibility of it, it can crack open a new path. When we read the news, or feel the rising heat, or get knocked sideways by grief or anger or overwhelm, we can ask:What am I feeling right now?What story am I telling about what this means?How is that story shaping my experience?What if I don’t actually know what this means?What if I let myself wonder?Curiosity invites us into the truth that we don’t know. And in that not-knowing, we become much more available. The energy that was once being expended on worrying or freaking out can now be used for other things. To care. To learn. To help. To change. To wonder.This Substack is reader-supported. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Even our assumptions — that things are only going to get worse, that this pain will last forever, that there’s no way through — those are just stories. And they often leave us less resourced, more withdrawn. When we soften into I don’t know, we open to new possibilities. We stay connected. We become part of the transformation, rather than collapsing under it. This path is not about managing in the face of change. It’s about transforming completely in the face of change. So when the world transforms, we let it transform us. That’s why everything can be used for awakening.Even the things that feel impossible. Even the things that break our hearts. Especially those.This path is not just about change, it’s about transformation. If you keep showing up with curiosity, the world will transform you. And you might just find that turning inside out butt-first was exactly what you’d been wanting all along. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe