Notes, from the Upper West Side. A Novel by Dan Wrench. They grind this herb up into a powder and put it in capsules and there's only one reason to buy it and that reason is, it will give you a hard on. So the process of acquiring St.
Billie's Bounce is a lot like the process of acquiring condoms. The clerks at the front all know what you're using it for but they're professionally enough to deadpan while they ring you up. Harper's pretty clear that he thought I should take three of these capsules a day at least. When I first got them I downed a fistfall and stashed the bottle in my locker at the gym.
Then I went for my regular lunch date with Fern and boom. There it was. My first steel erection compliments of St. Billie.
Fern said, Paulie you a fucking missile. And when I was in the home scratch I remembered to flex the hold it back muscles. Back off, back off. I cried.
She sat back on her knees and looked at me like I just discovered Atlantis. Oh my god Paulie you slam it shy. Yes sir. And it's like okay I don't have time to go again but in my mind I'm ready.
And it was true. I didn't want to take a nap. I didn't want Fern to crawl away silently. I didn't want to think about video games or cars or guys shooting hoops and hyphing.
I still wanted to think about babes with hard round butts and big fake tits. I flexed my pecs. I was invincible. And why not?
I was doing the work. I was putting in the time. I was crushing my bones in the gym and exercising my dick and taking the pills and eating the superfoods. I wasn't in the pizza league anymore.
I was on my way into that league of guys who can pound porn stars all night and heft metal the whole next day. In the hallway outside room 882 Fern stood really close to me. Closer than usual. I closed the door behind us and she said in a really tiny voice.
Paulie? Yeah. I'm not too fern. But you know, John O.
Oh he don't care. He jamming his wife right now. He probably taking us someplace to jam her dick. Maybe Miami.
His wife. She like taking meat in Miami. Still. There's kind of a man code about it.
It's maybe you could call it the a Nality Code. I never heard of the Nality Code. It's not officially called that. I kind of put it into words just a second.
It's about respect for a special kind of intimacy. You kidding me? Plus, we've been giving the admiral some really solid workout. It's I guess I think it's got a rest for a while.
She said she kind of hugged my upper arm. At least I think it was a hug. It's possible she just bumped her head against my shoulder. So what?
You want to ski today? Good idea. So meet again Friday. Okay well you rest up and know jamming your wife.
She said and remember you can jam me in the kuro anytime you want. Okay. Thanks Fern. That's really sweet.
It really was too. But look it. I know this is going to make me look bad but it was pretty urgent for me that fern keep her clothes on or at least keep most of them on. And also look it.
I believe in empowerment. If you're big and fat and sag like a day old balloon then to hell with those skinny bitches with the bolt on tits. You go pork chop. But see when we're talking about fern we're not talking about a big girl.
We're not talking about a plump, zoftig or Rubinesque girl. We're talking about the Michelin man. And there are things I know about myself already like I don't want to see the Michelin man dropping his pants and bouncing on my bed. Again.
Yeah. Again. See when I was 21 I did junior year abroad in London. I got to study at El Sada, the Leicester Square Academy of Dramatic Art.
And one of my fellow studiers abroad was this phenomenally obese chick named Bev. Bev had this really cute face and the first day we students were over there after sleeping off the jetlight. We had this orientation and a party right after it. And at the party we were upstairs and this hotel in Bev was really drunk and pushing me into a corner where a bunch of coats and scarves were stacked and grabbed my cock which in those days was always bulging for babes.
And I thought, hey, how do I know I'm not one of those guys who dicks chicks who weigh 300 pounds. I knew those guys existed. I knew there were porn mags and movies made specifically for them and now I thought, maybe these are my people. So we went to her room and took our clothes off.
That's when I realized I was not into fat chicks. But to be polite, I went through the whole marathon of moves. Even the moves that require lube because I remember she had some in a little foil pouch on her nightstand. And saw about an hour later she had her white hotel robe on and was all smiling and kissed me good night at the door where she made me promise to keep the whole thing's secrets so her boyfriend wouldn't find out.
I said, sure, no prob. Then I stood there alone in the hallway for maybe a minute after she closed the door and I was sweating man. I stumbled back to my room and took maybe the longest shower of my life. My first sight of naked Michelin man was burned onto my retinas, a sight that convinced me I was never going to be able to have sex again, ever.
I was sure I turned out to be one of those guys who's really, really productive because he's got all this free time from not having sex and from not going out to hunt slam a blast. A few days later that feeling started to fade away. Me and Bev stayed friends and her boyfriend came over to visit one weekend and they just disappeared to fuck for three days. So guys who crave banging babes who look like the Michelin man, they exist.
They're out there. I'm just not one of them. And a million years later when I said good night to Fern after she told me I could have her ass any time I wanted, I knew it was never going to happen. Besides, I figured Jonna would get back to jumping Fern soon and she'd forget all about me.
See? I thought another guy who loves bone and line backers. Why should I worry? Notes from the Upper West Side is a work of fiction.
The people depicted in this work do not exist. Notes from the Upper West Side copyright 2020 by Dan Wrench.