Notes. From the Upper West Side. A Novel by Dan Wrench. Chapter 62.
Moose. And Squirrel. Junior had just started giving me another semi-wispering earful of what an asshole head was when the boys got up and started roaring around the apartment like life really is an adventure. It just then occurred to me that it wasn't going to be easy to distract them from Daddy's computer activity after Mommy left.
I knew that to get in trouble I didn't need the kids to actually see the actual email or even know I was doing anything wrong. All I needed to do was act like I was focused on something more important than they are. Something that makes me shoe them away. If I did that and the wife heard about it she was going to wonder what I was up to.
And if Junior wondered what I was up to she was going to rummage. And I didn't want Junior rummaging. Rummaging Junior ultimately leads to sobbing Junior who looks up at me one day when I walk in the door. You know the scene.
I described it already. You ASSHOLE! She screams. Then the lawyer in the Daddy Free Beach House.
So Junior finally split for her job managing the weight staff at Moheum leaving the boys in a sort of jet-fueled energy plastered vibration. I figured I'd have them do the dishes and that would take their eyes away from the direction of whatever it was I was doing. And at first it seemed to work. When I said make them sparkle boys!
Did they complain? Wine? Pout? Not my boys.
My boys are too smart for that. They stopped flinging whatever it was they were flinging and went right over to the sink like they just read the section of the dishwashing manual that describes how two young boys should split up the work. I rose from the table and went over to the desk with a computer on it. But just as I was easing into the chair behind the desk Sammy ran over to me and said DADY can I watch Rocky and Bowinkle?
No kidding. Rocky and Bowinkle. In the 50s that I used to watch with my sister in the 70s it was a thing again. Complete with Boris, Natasha and Fearless Leader Sammy.
Are the dishes sparkling? Huh? Just then I heard the gentle crash of silverware being tipped from one plastic crate into another plastic crate. I looked over at Harry next to the sink.
All of the dishes that used to be in the big white basin were now dripping wet in the black drainer. Done! He shouted gleefully, drying his hands on this big green and white dish towel we have that looks like it could be a beach blanket from lunchkins. The dishes?
He said to me slowly. They're done. Apparently I wasn't quick enough on the uptake. Can we watch Rocky and Bowinkle now?
He asked. I almost said no. I almost said get back to those dishes you kids and do more than rinse this time. I mean I'm a parent for Christ's sake.
I have parental impulses and I think those impulses are in the main, the correct impulses. But fortunately the incorrect impulses gripped me before I could make the morning about sparkling dishes instead of about reading Cammy's email with the word that looked like a stump in it. The boys were offered to go off in mind their own business and I almost said no. Go ahead boys, watch the dynamic duo defend freedom from the commies.
Los and squirrels! Sammy cried and they ran off to their room to download a cartoon from this website which according to Junior had every old Rocky and Bowinkle episode ever made. I thought Rocky and Bowinkle sounds like a cover story but I decided to find out what the boys were really up to on some other day. Right then I just sat there facing the living room PC and reached for the mouse.
I was alone. Kinda. I clicked on the Cammy email and this is what I saw. Stuck up.
Did I mention I just love the taste of Admiral Ballzil. That's his name right. I was looking all over that little email of yours for an invite to a jump and pump but I didn't see one. Sniff sniff.
Cam. BTW. I've been keeping my high and nice and tight just for you. Did you like it?
Umm. Yuh. So I emailed her back ASAP. ASAP.
I made sure she knew I noticed her high and that I liked it and that I was game for a jump and pump anytime. Just name the time. Now for example, the kids can even watch and Junior can come home and sob but like all you. That's what I was thinking anyway.
I sent her an email back. I'm not going to print the contents of that email because I'm afraid that thinking about what I wrote in it will make me feel stupid for some reason. Like when I typed up that first email I sent it. Except then I felt stupid instantly after sending it to her.
I guess I'm just tired of feeling stupid. I got an email back from her maybe five minutes later while I was browsing my Twitter feed. Fuck date number two was on and even better. It was for three weeks from now.
She was all sorry but I'm going out of town with a B.F. to his family reunion but when I get home I swallow Admiral Ball's toad. No problem I thought. I'll use the time to get the Admiral in shape.
Why are you so happy Daddy? Harry asked. I looked up. He giggled.
He was out of his room and so was Sammy. They crept out like good little little spies without making a sound. Daddy's happy. Said Sam.
No, no I'm not. I said I looked grim. But you were smiling and dancing around. I don't know.
I was just thinking of all the things I have to do today and I was getting a little nervous. Do the dancing again Daddy. Time for school boys. Ahhh.
Wind Harry. Yay. Said the other one. The rest of the day, like I said before it was pretty great and nobody squealed on me later for being happy.
Notes from the Upper West Side is a work of fiction. The people depicted in this work do not exist. Notes from the Upper West Side. Copyright 2013 to 2018 by Dan Wrench.