Notes. From the Upper West Side. A novel by Dan Wrench. Chapter 32.
Tobacco that tastes like a lady. It turned out that Rosie Assistant Director's day job was working up at whispers' tobacco shop with a bunch of other chicks who I think were all somewhere on the preclivity continuum between bisexual and dyke. If Paul's wife is so tasty, Rosie said to whispers, then maybe you should name the tobacco after her. Lenny.
Tobacco. Vyter. You had to ask. Lenny.
Well sure I did. We even asked the question, tobacco. Or what tobacco? Isn't that right, Ros?
Ros. Yep. Lenny. So what is it?
Ros. Is it tobacco that tastes like a snatch? She grinned this really wide grin like she was Pandora announcing her box was now open. Everybody laughed because of course they thought it was a jump.
No shit, she said. Exactly like a snatch. You gotta be blowing, kidding me. Bang said.
Do you have some? Not only. Said whispers. Suddenly you looked a little shy.
What I want to know, Vyter said, is how did you get that tobacco to taste like vagina and it better not be the way I think? All I did was mix up a new blend of tobacco from some of my favorite leaves mixed in with a new leaf that comes in a tin marked chalbella. And this new mixture tastes like pink? Asked one of the dancing strippers.
I thought it was my imagination when I first lit up, Bobby said. But I gave some to Monda and she said, yup, it tastes like a lady. You're shitting me. Mony McDade said a lady.
I asked. I bet she said cunt. Said Ros. It sure tastes like cunt, said Vyter.
That is some of the cuntingest tobacco I've ever tasted. Suddenly everyone in the room of male and female had to have some. Well, a couple of the ladies begged off and let's face it I don't smoke a pipe. But if I did, I don't know.
Cunt. I ain't into that shit. Said Mallory. Sorry you gotta start selling this tobacco in the store.
When he asked. Yup. And the girls up there thinking it would be a good idea to market it on the internet. You know, starting with Twitter and Facebook.
So what are you calling it? I asked. Good question. He said we got some candidates.
He hates my name but I want to call it. Said Ros. Hark. And that is.
Ros. I'll tell if Bobby lets me. Whisper's just hung his head and shook it like how is he going to stop the inevitable. Ros.
I want to call it. Candle tobacco. Big smile. I don't believe it.
Said Mallory. Then she belly laughed. Yeah. That sucks.
Said Lenny. There is no way it goes out with Camel Toe backo on the label. Bobby said evenly. What's wrong with just plain old Cunt backo?
I asked. Yeah. Said bang. Cunt backo.
Give me a try that Cunt backo coach and I'll pitch me up another three innings. What? Mallory said more to me than to bang like I might be able to translate for. I do kind of have a name for it.
Bobby said. I'm thinking of calling it one for the road. Silence. I don't get it.
Bang. I like your name better. She said kind of love. The other dancing stripper.
The one who said she was impressed by me and ministered her so before. She looked at me right then and started to walk over to where I was sitting. I cleared a spot for her on the chair next to me by pushing some coats on the floor. The girl.
Cynthia. Put her pretty ass in the chair and just sort of sat there in her tiny pink like hot pants. Then she giggled. I ginkackled.
My cot lurched. By the time I was able to tune back in they were onto the subject of how one for the road that tobacco that tastes like cunt raised the inevitable question of whether or not it's possible to eat cunt while the owner of said cunt is driving an automobile. How is that the inevitable question? Fighter asked.
You've brought together the taste of cunt in the image of roadway travel. Said bang. I think that most people are going to wonder how you'll enjoy that taste in a car. Why lighten up the tobacco?
Ross said. I don't think it raises that image at all. Said parpe. I think it conjures the importance of that one last taste of cunt before you hit the road.
Yup. Fighter said. If you ask a bartender for one more for the road you don't mean you're going to drink it in your car. Good point.
Bang said. Good point. Nevertheless we're all just hanging here so I'm asking. How would you even if it's passable?
Eat out a woman while she's driving a car. I don't think it would be that hard. I said. You could get her to scooch down in the seat then you bend over and perform a facial probe.
Yeah. Said Cynthia. Mallory kind of looked at Cynthia then got up and walked away. New grille wins I thought.
So you're assuming her pants are off at the start of the drive? Asked fighter. Sounds a little risky when he said she'd have to have her pants off for the full ride. Maybe not.
I said maybe she's wearing a short skirt and no underpants. Oh they'd have to be planning this from the beginning of the trip. It can't be spontaneous then. Okay okay I said let's say the other pants are on she could get the urge pull over take them off get back in the car come pull over and put them back on.
Nah. Parp said that wreaks goofy. I like it. Cynthia left.
If she's pulling over to take her pants off so you can eat her why don't you just stay pulled over and eat her on the back seat. Parp asked. Maybe I don't know she likes the danger. Then because I'm playing comp liquors advocate the conversation gets around to juniors cunt.
Ever do that with junior. Parp asked. You call your wife Junior. Bang said what is a mother named her into?
Nope said Parp she was named after her mother's close friend too was such a good for laterics that a year after junior was born her father dumped her to Mary Corinne senior. Huh asked man. Bang didn't hear anything after for laterics said fighter. What's a for laterics someone asked a dick sucker said ros with a big grin on her face.
Is that true Cynthia asked me that's what it means I said. Wow she laughed she must really not suck on a dick. That's the legend. So have you ever eaten your wife on the road fighter asked.
Nope I said not that I have anything against it but you know juniors a traditional gal. Cynthia laughed and I began to notice that her laugh was something of a kickcackle. I looked at her and grinned. She doesn't look traditional said Bobby.
She looks tasty said Parp you know I said a guy could get pretty defensive about that I mean if we were Marines we'd be fist fighting right now. I don't think so said bang. Marines are a lot more open-minded about sex than you think. He was dead serious.
Then they started talking about Marines and I started thinking about a way to get out of there with Cynthia. Gotta be mosey I said to her kind of low. Nobody heard but her. Tretched back then leaned forward with deliberation.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see she was moving together. Oh yeah the fuck was on. Leave in Parp asked when I stood up. Gotta mosey on home and see the boys I said.
And a tasty wife. Said bang. I looked at Parp. See which has started.
I turned for the door which was behind me and threw a vestibule. On my way out I could hear the conversation make it turn for the stupid. Then asked a wild Rick Kain Tots and Car Nets. Bang asked.
Oscar Wilde died in 1900. Fighter said he predates the cinema. He was really young though when he died he was 46. How if he lived to say age 70 he could have written silent film scenarios.
Bang said. Whisper's gaford and clap his hands slowly. If there's a hail and ask a wilder's in it I'm sure they have him writing silent films. He said.
Then a voice I didn't recognize said. That is nothing so spoken as the vulgar word. Notes from the Upper West Side is a work of fiction. The people depicted in this work do not exist.
Notes from the Upper West Side copyright 2013 to 2016 by Dan Wrench.