Office Sweepstakes

It’s happened again. For some reason, morale was not boosted enough by the last windswept barbecue in May, resulting in 9 people from the office taking a couple of days off to recover due to undercooked meat. I spotted a chalkboard as I wandered past the coffee cart and thought nothing of it. When I got to work, before I could even perform my usual arrival routine of not sitting down and finding an unmarked coffee machine, I was told to pick a team, “James and the lads have already taken 7 of them. Only a fiver and it’s all for charity.”I couldn’t really say “I don’t believe in charity.” Although I think that would have been less controversial than what I actually thought, “I don’t believe in football.” Apart from anything else, it’s not all for charity. If it were for charity, you would just have a bucket there the whole time, and not cash in on some culturally interesting moment like an international football tournament hosted over three nations, one third of which we would rather not have to discuss the details of due to current ongoing political events. It’s not quite Qatar, but it does have a tinge we are avoiding.Thanks for reading Dispatches from the Pavement! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.“James and the lads” is something I hadn’t heard before. They were mostly just some colleagues who had Virgin Active memberships they talked about using, though I couldn’t see physical evidence of this, and enjoyed a sandwich from Birley. Undertaking a sandwich at Birley is a venture that contradicts what you would think of in a sandwich purchase. Whether you’ve been through the Subway production line or grabbed a pre-made Pret, walking into Birley is like stepping back and forward in time simultaneously. Imagine a rather careful and particular sandwich-making experience, handled by a specialised crew who will cradle your lunch through the necessary stages to build something remarkably simple: a sandwich. Imagine this experience in a small cobbled street, where you’ve spent a relaxed morning by a stream, wandered over for a meal, but discovered the entire population of London had the same idea. Queues out the door, moving so slowly because the Birley employees will not consider anything beyond what is directly in front of them. So if taking on that gauntlet makes you a “lad”, then yes, they are “lads.”I took internal pride in not being considered a “lad”, a triumph.Some idiot had chosen England in the sweepstakes. I had to check this was for the men’s tournament when I saw that the home team had already been chosen. We are in a political swirl where it’s hard to tell if people were really excited about England playing football a year ago, or something far worse, but it is now the case that wherever you go, you will be reminded that you are in England by all of the pubs. I didn’t know the odds, but could see a few other classic teams already favoured. As I continued down the list, I was more than a little excited as the list of nations had some representation I wasn’t expecting. Not just Scotland, either.New Zealand were on there. Had they retrained their rugby team? I’m assuming Canada, granted entry by default, were submitting their ice hockey team and hoping no one notices they’re not real football players when they aren’t fouled in the box and stay standing. Dead giveaway that. If you’re in the box, immediately fall down. It’s part of basic training. How else do you expect to not score and not get a penalty either?I went with Panama just for laughs. I wasn’t going to see the fiver again anyway. Kind of how Panama works, I think. Send your money offshore so it’s a bit like you have money, but you can’t ever actually use it for money, so why bother worrying about it?Entering the thing was my biggest mistake since pressing the wrong button on the lift and having to do the walk of shame past reception twice, and just to gett the stairs in the end. I was now in it. I was not in it to win it. I was in it to avoid conflict. I am known, as ever, as a team player.I got invited out for lunch to Birley’s, and I have regretted every subsequent decision from this point onwards. Please let this tournament conclude soon…Thanks for reading Dispatches from the Pavement! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tobyisaacscomedy.substack.com