Online Dating Disaster: From Picnic Plans to Stalker Panic – A Bizarre Encounter

A hilarious online dating misadventure, from misunderstood picnics to surreal bedroom antics and Twilight Zone-style twists. Packed with humour and dating advice!Why Read On?If you’ve ever ventured into the strange world of online dating, you’ll know how quickly a simple first meeting can turn into a confusing misadventure.This tale of misunderstood picnics, unexpected bedroom antics, and even a bizarre "Fatal Attraction"-style twist will have you laughing, cringing, and maybe even questioning your own dating history.Packed with humour, cautionary advice, and the oddities of post-lockdown dating, this is a story that proves – no matter how strange your own experiences, someone’s probably got you beat!From Thought to Deed: Reality Bites (Literally)After months of lockdown-induced solitude, trapped in the four walls of my home, with only the company of Netflix, Disney, Apple TV, Prime Video and several hundred books, the idea of human interaction became oddly compelling.So, in a moment of weakness (and boredom), I reactivated a dating app that rhymes with Cinder.You know the one.As luck would have it, I connected with someone who seemed promising – decent photos, decent chat, and a shared fondness for the beach.We agreed to meet for a socially-distanced stroll by the sea.Perfect, right?Except, as someone whose brain is wired a little differently (apparently I’m neurodiverse, I like to think that makes me normal), I realised the time we’d set to meet clashed horribly with when I would need to eat!Not wanting to become that ‘H-ANGRY GUY’, I packed a few M&S goodies in a cold bag.Problem solved.When we met, it started smoothly enough. We perched on a deserted lifeguard tower and made small talk about the usual – lockdown, toilet paper shortages, and whether Dominic Cummings really could see that optician from his driveway (That’s a 🇬🇧 cultural reference for my international readers - sorry 🤷🏼‍♂️).Feeling the rumble of hunger, I whipped out my snacks.Unbeknownst to me, this impromptu picnic – meant purely for survival – was taken as a gesture of great intent.You’d think I was proposing right there on the seafront. In hindsight, maybe the carrot sticks and hummus was a step too far?As the sun began to dip, we agreed we’d had a lovely time and ambled back to our cars, which by some odd quirk of happenstance were parked next to each other.We lingered over saying goodbye and she suggested we continue the conversation in her car, which seemed innocent enough and suited the mood.Somehow, as these things do, I ended up inviting her back for coffee.Well, to be fair, I didn’t intend to…It was more of an automatic social reflex – I say things out of habit, not intention.What I hadn’t expected was for her to say “Sure!”So, having had my bluff called, she followed me home.From Beach Bliss to Bedroom ShockAs she sat on the sofa, I offered her a glass of wine, and as I handed it over, she casually placed her hand on my crotch.Not in a vague, accidental way (is there such a thing) – no, this was an “IMMEDIATE ACTION REQUIRED” situation.Picture a ferret digging furiously in a bag of crisps.I tried to ignore it, but with the sheer insistency, that proved impossible.One thing led to another, and soon enough, we were in my bedroom, where things took a rather surprising turn.Without getting into too much graphic detail, let’s use an analogy: have you ever seen that episode of ‘All Creatures Great And Small?’ - the one where the vet has to manually deliver a calf?Yes?Well, it was ‘THAT’ kind of involvement.I wasn’t exactly thrilled, but as they say, “In for a penny, in for a pound.”Before I knew it, she had, shall we say, arrived at her destination. This was quickly followed by what I can only assume was an unfortunate accident on my bedding!To my horror, it appeared she’d, well there is no easy way to say this … wet herself.I sat there in shock as she nonchalantly went for a shower, leaving me staring at the wet patch like it was about to jump up and attack me!As soon as she’d left and the door closed behind her, I moved faster than I thought possible, stripping the bed with an urgency usually reserved for emergencies.Every sheet, every pillowcase and the duvet - into the wash they went, as if this could somehow erase what had just happened.The lingering smell didn’t help. As I scrubbed furiously, I couldn’t but wonder how I’d gone from a pleasant beach chat to cleaning bedding in the dark, trying to erase the night from both my sheets and my mind.One moment, we’re strolling by the sea; the next, I’m doing the laundry like my life depends on it.By now, regular readers won’t be surprised to hear that, despite the chaos, I still thought another date was a good idea.Get over it – I really am that unattuned to the nuances of dating communication!So, despite this horrific notorious ‘memorable’ evening, I went ahead and made plans to meet again…However, things took an odd turn when I called her a couple of days later.She answered the video call and, within 10 seconds… handed the phone to her 12-year-old daughter.Yes, she really did that – mid-conversation.I immediately did what any self-respecting adult would do: I hung up.Then, because I’m me, I texted to apologise – as if I somehow had to take responsibility for the awkwardness.I didn’t call…Instead, I spent a sleepless night wondering who would willingly put their child on a video call with a practical stranger – regardless of the unexpected intimacy between us a few days earlier!By the next day, I couldn’t shake the weirdness.I decided to call it off, explaining that I just couldn’t get past the child-on-the-phone incident, but I tried to be polite, saying it was my issue, not hers.She seemed to take it well enough – or so I thought…!That evening, watching TV while sitting quietly in my darkened living room, with the curtains firmly shut, my phone rang.It was her. Not in the mood to deal with more awkwardness, I ignored it.Ten minutes later, a text came through:The image of Glenn Close’s bunny stew from Fatal Attraction popped into my head - 1987 might have been a long time ago, but it left a lasting impression!I sat in horrified silence for over an hour, too scared to check (or even twitch the curtains) what that ‘SOMETHING’ might be.Eventually, summoning some courage, I carefully ‘ninja’d’ myself outside - expecting to find a 🪓🐰🩸.To be fair it turned out to be a bunch of flowers and a bottle of alcohol!Not at all as threatening, but still … decidedly odd.Not knowing what to do with the flowers, I knocked on the door of my neighbours house and passed them off.As for the whiskey, well, I suddenly realised my cupboard was looking a little bare so … it got opened to help me get through the rest of the evening!No happy ending (no pun intended)After that rather surreal first date – the next chapter of this dating disaster, wasn’t any improvement.So, after a picnic, the unexpected bedroom antics, and the mysterious gifts on my doorstep – I decided to take a step back.I texted her, thanking her for her gifts but mentioned I was visiting family over the weekend but would call on Monday.Basically, I had no idea what to say.When Monday arrived, I steeled myself and called her as promised.The conversation was polite enough, but my mind hadn’t changed.We hung up, and I felt that uneasy relief you get after navigating something awkward.Thank Heavens that was over … I poured a whiskey and raised the glass to her.I relaxed.But just ten minutes later, my phone buzzed with the first of several Twilight Zone-style texts.I froze. That sounded like a threat!However, it was as nothing to what arrived next:What - The - Actual - F**k!Panic shot through me.My stomach dropped. Suddenly, I was back in Alice in Wonderland territory.In desperation, I rang my solicitor friend, who, after hearing my tale, promptly erupted into laughter (he’s always been supportive, obviously).“It’s no laughing matter!” I protested, as visions of police knocking at my door began dancing through my head.Once he’d stopped chuckling, he advised me to screenshot all our previous messages – the normal ones and the crazy ones – and send them to him. Which I did, every… last …embarrassing… suggestive … word.About 20 minutes later, he called back, still amused.“You’ve got nothing to worry about, Mark,” he assured me. “If anything, she’d get arrested for wasting police time. Her messages were more forward than a high-speed train.”That was cold comfort in the middle of this mad experience, but it did help calm my nerves a bit.Still, I couldn’t shake the sense of unease that lingered.Time crawled past and nothing else happened - I began to relax.Then, about four weeks later, the final surprise arrived in the form of an 18-page handwritten letter.An apology, apparently.She’d been ‘under pressure at work’ and ‘wasn’t in the right headspace during our date’.I made it through two pages before the sheer absurdity of it all hit me. Whatever pressures she’d been under, they didn’t excuse her threatening behaviour.The whole thing felt as hollow as a chocolate Easter egg.Another attempt at dating, another strikeout. And while I’d love to say it didn’t faze me, the truth is, it left me a bit shaken. Still, if there’s one thing I took away from this bizarre experience, it’s that I’ll think twice before packing a picnic next time.At least I walked away with some valuable lessons...Three Takeaways for the Cautious Dater:* Set Boundaries Early: If something doesn’t feel right – whether it’s a date’s behaviour or the general vibe – listen to your gut. You’re allowed to say no, walk away, and protect your space, especially when someone’s behaviour crosses a line.* Just Because Things Heat Up… it doesn’t mean you have to follow through: It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, especially if you’re naturally polite (like me). But always remember, you’re in control - if something doesn’t feel right, you can (and should) hit pause.* Know When to Walk Away: Dates aren’t obligations. If things start going down a weird path, you don’t need to stick around out of politeness. Cut things short before you end up in a situation that makes you deeply uncomfortable.What’s Your Worst Online Dating Disaster?Have you ever had a date so disastrous that you immediately wanted to delete every app on your phone?Or maybe an encounter so awkward, it still makes you cringe?Share your stories - or your hard-earned advice - in the comments!Let’s swap tales from the frontlines of modern dating and see if anyone can top this Alice in Wonderland-style adventure.(If you’ve enjoyed this read, click the ❤️ button or drop a comment - it really helps keep me motivated to keep sharing my disasters!)Life’s Lessons Unpacked is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and to support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit msmallwood.substack.com