OUIJA BOARD DEATH SECRETS EXPOSED

This episode was smuggled out of Eastern Germany near the end of the Cold War, transported on 8mm film uncomfortably hidden up the rectal cavity of a dashing young British double agent who died at the Brandenburg Gate Sven a suspicious Stazi soldier forced the spy to drink Irish Whisky and four Lemmon Quaaludes, resulting in induced diarrhea that expelled the supernatural propaganda as well as most of the noble lieutenants water weight, causing him to die painfully by dehydration without even provided the dignity of a last meal nor a last roll of toilet paper, which prevented his family from giving him an open casket funeral. Many speculate that the causation of this run of shitty bad luck could be traced to the night before, when he was tasked with recording the ouija board session with famous German sky Mata Hari, a woman so beautiful she could seduce even a castrated home sexual man impotent from opiate addiction, which is no small achievement. In the end it has taken 68 years and countless bribes, thefts and even murders to bring this secret information to the world, so stop whatever you are doing, it is meaningless against the profound truths you are about to hear, but beware, such truths are rarely free and come at a price too high to calculate because of the tricky math involved in inflationary algebraic coefficient factoring for domestic GDP of course.