"Our Lavender Marriage"
from The Shadow Sessions Hosted by Hiba Balfaqih
Martin is gay. Brandi is straight. They’re married, raising a daughter together, and neither of them is planning to leave. Their relationship has attracted plenty of opinions. Some believe their marriage must be fake. Others assume one of them is sacrificing, settling, or secretly unhappy. Martin and Brandi call theirs a lavender marriage—but unlike the lavender marriages historically used to conceal someone’s sexuality, theirs is open and intentional. In this episode of The Shadow Sessions, Hiba Balfaqih sits down with Martin and Brandi to understand what their marriage actually looks like from the inside. They explore the questions people are often afraid to ask: How does sex work? What about attraction, jealousy, intimacy, and loneliness? What does each partner get from the marriage—and what might they have had to give up? How do they navigate disagreements, parenting, emotional needs, and relationships outside their marriage? The conversation also challenges the expectations we place on romantic relationships: that one person should simultaneously be our lover, best friend, co-parent, emotional home, sexual partner, and lifelong companion. This episode isn’t about deciding whether their marriage is right or wrong. It’s about what happens when two people consciously build a relationship outside the traditional definition of marriage.
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