Overcoming the Fear of Failure

Aleigh [00:00:00]: This is the Golden Nuggets podcast where we eat golden nuggets for lunch every day, talking life changing topics over lunch size portions. I'm your host, friend, and biggest fan, Ali Schenk. Join us for some good laughs, funny stories, and some life changing topics that will help us enjoy a better today and build a better tomorrow. Aleigh [00:00:21]: Hello, everyone. And today, we're gonna be talking about the fear of failure, a few costumes that the fear of failure likes to put on, and a few things that we can do to kick the fear of failure in the derriere. My name is Ally Schenk, and welcome to the Golden Nuggets podcast, where every day we have golden nuggets for lunch. Today, we're talking about the fear of failure because I think it is very important. I think it's something that can prevent people from really doing what they were made to do and from living really satisfied lives, so it's something I'm very passionate about. It's also something that I did not learn until I became an adult. When I think back, I really started learning to embrace failing through my husband. I was married to him for a year and a half, and he is from Switzerland. Aleigh [00:01:21]: He had been begging me to try to make European bread because, folks, the bread on the shelf just does not cut it. And, really, for a year and a half, I was like, nope. I'm not doing it because it is not going to be as good as what you had in your Swiss bakery, and I don't wanna be compared. And what I actually was saying is I don't wanna fail at anything. And so a year and a half later, my daughter started sleeping through the night. I'm like, what do I do with all this new time and energy I have? And I started to bake bread. So I baked my first loaf. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great, and I gave it to him and said, okay. Aleigh [00:02:15]: Here's my loaf. I probably won't do this again, because I was petrified of failing at anything and not being a total mister Miyagi on my first try. And he tries it and goes, actually, that's pretty great for your first try, and I'm excited for you to do it again. And, honestly, that was really freeing for me, because as I would use flour and yeast and all the things, and sometimes have to throw some batches out because of whatever the reason. It was completely inedible. When I cook, I always say that my first goal is to make it edible, and then my second goal is to make it good. Anyway, some of the batches were literally, like, you could not eat them. And he would say, well, I know you're getting better, and I'm excited to try the next one. Aleigh [00:03:06]: And I just thought that was always so great because I would just look at the situation and see all the ingredients and time that I labeled as wasted. And he looked at it as practice, and so that was a totally new concept for me. And fast forward a year, I opened up a bakery out of my house, and we ended up having a bread baking company, which was amazing. I learned so much through it, and which led me on another journey of really failing over and over and failing my way to success eventually. And so, anyway, I just think this is a really powerful thing to grab a hold of. And I know that in a lot of most cultures, really failing is very looked down upon. It's really looked at it's looked at as a weakness. And what if we reframe that, though, and say that failing is actually the journey to success? It's actually a margin for creating and learning and growing. Aleigh [00:04:14]: And, really, what are the limits to what we can do or the people that we can become if we just give ourselves the space to fail. Let's talk about a few things that the fear of failure likes to disguise itself with in order to prevent us from really living to our fullest potential. I think one one of the things that sticks out in my mind is perfectionism, And I think a lot of times we say, oh, I wanna do something with excellence, or I really want this to be perfect before I release this or before I try this. I wanna be really good at this, and we actually are really not wanting to fail. And I think that's something that can really put us into a paralysis where we're trying to make something so great before we've ever even launched. When, really, I mean, as you're flying an airplane, for example, as you're flying, you have to make adjustments for the wind. You can't make all the adjustments before you ever take off. And so I think it's important to also look at different things that we wanna try in that light that we're really never gonna solve all the problems that we're ever gonna face. Aleigh [00:05:26]: Before we start something, we really have to start it and take a step and be willing to learn and to adjust as we go and as we grow. And another thing that comes to mind, for me, especially, this has been something that I have recognized, the costume that the fear of failure can put on is procrastination. And something that I learned in a book by doctor Barbara Oakley, it's called Learn Like a Pro. I read it in one of those college classes that I didn't think I was gonna learn anything, and I actually learned a ton. But, basically, it talks about the pain sensations that our brain feels whenever we procrastinate, and what it actually is is whenever we know that we need to be doing something. Now that can be writing an essay for school. It can be starting a business that we know we need to start. It can be starting a podcast. Aleigh [00:06:24]: It can be loads of things. But whenever we know we're supposed to do something and we are not making any progress in it, we actually feel a sensation of pain in our brains. And once I knew that, it really blew my mind. And what's crazy is the minute that you take a step, and that's any step, small step into starting whatever it is that you know you need to be working on, the pain sensations actually dissipate, and the size of the project will become more realistic for you because it is not a giant in your mind any longer because there is no association with pain. So a really good example of this is I am in school to be a midwife, and I'm getting my bachelor of science degree. And there have been many projects where I will really be dreading them because I think they're gonna take forever or they're gonna be long. I actually really enjoy the topics that I learn, but what's wild is I realized once I started, it actually usually only takes me a few minutes, and there have been projects that I've dreaded for weeks. And by the time I start them and then finish them, it takes me, like, 12 minutes, and I could not believe that I spent all of that mental energy thinking about it. Aleigh [00:07:56]: And so procrastination is a huge, just, robber of time and energy and, honestly, self esteem. So that's a really big one. Another sign that maybe fear of failure is causing paralysis is maybe you're keeping a lot of dreams that you have to yourself. Maybe you're not willing to talk them out with other people that you trust, that really know you and know your potential, and maybe you just don't want the accountability there. That's a really big one. I think, bottom line, it's really important to understand that failure really is the path to success and that anybody that ever does anything worthwhile or successful has understood that they have to fail in order to create margin to learn and then succeed. And so I think there are several things that we can do in order to just kick this in the pants, but one thing that really comes to mind is that staying in a posture where we put ourselves in a position to fail often, I think is very important. And I don't just mean sticking your neck out for nothing, but I do mean doing things that will cause growth in your life purposefully that you know you're not good at can be very beneficial because it will give you the endurance and the stamina to be able to try new things and to grow in the areas where it will eventually yield satisfaction in your life in the long run. Aleigh [00:09:53]: And so this is something that I try to do a lot, especially in parenting. And a few weeks ago, I was at gymnastics with my 4 year old, and she was on the balance beam. And she told me, you know, mom, it's okay if I fall. Because if I fall, that just means that I'm practicing, and I'm gonna get better. And I just love that she said that because I was like, wow. If I could have really separated my identity from my learning margin or my failing, whatever you wanna call it, at that early of an age, wow. I would have not just done a lot more that's almost just the cherry on top, but I would have been a free human being. And so I think just allowing ourselves to do things that we don't know how to do, and learning new things, and being okay with the fact that we're not good at it at first is very important. Aleigh [00:10:45]: The good news is doing hard things gets easier, not because it's easy to be out of your comfort zone, but because when you create a habit of eating your humble pie and being okay with not being perfect at everything, it really helps you to separate your identity from your abilities. And I think that is absolutely fundamental. So a few things that we can do to really kick the fear of failure in the pants. One thing is get to the root, figure out what it is that you are afraid of. Are you afraid of this being detrimental to the way that other people see you? Are you afraid of losing lots of money? Are you afraid of what other people that you love might think? Are you afraid that maybe you'll invest a lot of time in something and then not get what you're wanting out of it? Are you afraid that maybe you won't reach your goal? There's so many things that we can be afraid of, but the important thing to understand is that fear is never gonna go away. It's actually something that we have to run towards whenever there's something worthwhile. And so that's another thing to realize. I think a lot of people just assume that very successful people are not as afraid as other people. Aleigh [00:12:07]: And the truth of the matter is they are just as afraid as everybody else, and they just do it anyway. And so that has been something that I kind of live by is when I know that I'm afraid of something, I assess whether or not it's worthwhile, and then if it is, I'm gonna run at it anyway. So another thing that we're gonna do in order to kick this in the pants is we are going to get acclimated with the margin of growth that failing is, and we're gonna learn from our mistakes. There's no point in making the same mistake over and over and over, because that's not so much growth that is maybe the absence of learning in those margins. So it is important to understand that that I'm not sitting here saying that you should go and just wreck your grocery budget month to month. Wow. Am I preaching to the choir? I can never stand my grocery budget. I don't know why food is so expensive. Aleigh [00:13:08]: Oh, man. But anyway, it's just important to take those margins of failing and falling and really assess what can we do better here, how can we move forward from here and grow from here, and really get comfortable in this space, separating our identity from our abilities. And then another thing that I think is absolutely fundamental to this is if you have a fear of failing, just start. And I don't know what that looks like for you, whether that is enrolling in school, whether it is taking an online class, starting a business, I don't know, but take the first step. And that may look like if you are dreaming of starting a restaurant or a catering company, maybe you should start to create a menu, start to cook some of the things, and see what you can do differently to make it better, start to invite some people over, and try your food. Ask for constructive criticism. Is constructive criticism something that you are comfortable taking? Now let's be clear, everybody's opinion is not important for your success, and I know that that may sting for some people to hear. And this is coming from a place of humility, but in some of the businesses that I've done, I'm always asking for constructive criticism. Aleigh [00:14:40]: And what I have realized is that it is very important to have vision in where you're wanting to go and that everybody's opinion is not a determining factor in, 1, where you need to go or 2, corrections that you need to make to whatever you're doing. And so it's important to just surround yourself with a few trusted people and have a very clear vision for what you're wanting to do. And it's okay if along the line, when you're producing something or you are in route to a dream, if that vision changes, that's okay. But it's important, especially in the beginning, to really outline what it is you're wanting to do, whether that's getting a degree, whether it's starting a business, maybe you're wanting to start a ministry vlog or whatever. What is your message? What is the impact that you're wanting to make in the world? And then get a few trusted friends that really know you and believe in you and believe in what you're doing, and ask them for advice, and ask them for pointers or or areas of growth in what you're wanting to do, how you can make it successful, and then just go for it. Don't be afraid to fall flat on your face. I know that when, we started our I mean, all the businesses we've started, we have just failed and failed and failed and grown and grown some more before we have reached any point of success. And so through that process, I think that's why I've become so passionate about this topic, because I realize how much it can really change the course of your life when you start to get comfortable with that growing margin that we call failure. Aleigh [00:16:31]: And so my last well wish to you is bon voyage in your pursuit of your endeavors, of your dreams, of being the person that you wanna be, and let's reframe failure a little bit, and let's call it a margin for growth. And I think that changing the name tag on failure is going to help us to overcome this. Kids [00:17:01]: Thanks for having lunch today with us. We'll see you next time on the Golden Nugget Podcast. Bye!