Owning Who You're Not & Fully Embracing Yourself: Unpacking Nicole Kalil's Confidence Journey

Nicole Kalil shares her story of birthing her book, exposing the ironies of achieving success through a masculine lens and the personal journey of overcoming false confidence to ultimately become more trusting of herself."I can't tell you how much of the confidence builders were required and necessary to write this book and to put it out there, and how much of the confidence derailers came up on a very regular basis. When we were editing, perfectionism was all over the place.  Pure head trash, like "will people even like this book." Nicole Kalil is an author, speaker, and leadership coach who has dedicated her work to helping women build their confidence and reach their full potential. She is the author of the book "Validation is for Parking" which explores the journey of self-discovery and embraces the unique gifts and talents of each individual.We talked about how Nicole had a dream of writing a book for years but allowed fear to hold her back. Eventually, she realized her reasons were just excuses and took the leap. She eventually learned to trust herself, overcome the false messages of society and recognize her unique abilities while understanding that her worth lies beyond her physical appearance and pursuing success through the masculine lens. In this episode, you will learn the following:1. What is the difference between confidence in men and women?2. What is the 'confidence con' and how does it hinder women?3. How can we raise confident humans in a world full of mixed messaging?Resources mentioned in this conversation:Elyse Archer’s Podcast “She Sells”: https://elysearcher.com/podcast/Jill Savage’s books on perfectionism: https://nomoreperfect.jillsavage.org/Want to connect with Nicole?:Get Nicole's Book "Validation is for Parking": https://nicolekalil.com/bookListen to her podcast: https://nicolekalil.com/podcastCheck out her website: https://nicolekalil.com/Other episodes you'll enjoy:Episode #80 The Not-so-Secret Secret of Confidence with Nicole Kalil - http://bit.ly/40bNpNtEpisode #126 Creating Confidence Through Personal Styling with Scarlett de Bease -  http://bit.ly/3XN5j7yEpisode #114 Becoming Confident on Video with Helen Polise - https://bit.ly/3Io2HWUConnect with me: LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/diannwingertcoaching/Website: https://www.diannwingertcoaching.com/YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5qFHTPZTAxtYvVLyip3h0ALoved this episode? Leave us a review and rating here: https://the-driven-woman-entrep.captivate.fm/reviewWant to become more confident and learn to trust yourself, and move past the hurdles holding you back in your business?I have two more spots for my 12-week 1:1 coaching program., and the first step is to schedule a free 30-minute consultation right here:  https://bit.ly/3qrJ9YQChapter Summaries:[00:00:01]There are so many fabulous women out there that I am dying to interview and have as guests on this show. So it is my pleasure to reintroduce you to Nicole Kalil . The latest is that she's published a book with the genius title, "Validation is for Parking."[00:00:39]The process of writing a book has been on my bucket list since ever. Part of the reason I wanted so much to do this is that we are learning so much about what it is to be professional, successful, and confident from the masculine lens. I wanted to provide a balance to that.[00:02:52]The book was messy and in some cases really ugly and draining and exhausting and fulfilling and joyful and scary. In hindsight, there were so many conflicting and contradictory emotions that at one point in time, she went numb. I'm proud of the book itself, but the experience and full transparency is not something I would look to repeat.[00:04:54]Would you say that writing the book and getting it out into the world has been a confidence builder? Without a shadow of a doubt, yes. And I'm so grateful for that part of it because it made me connect.[00:07:12]When it comes to confidence, it is absolutely a choice. It is a process over time that continues to evolve. We need to stop telling women how to look confident and start talking about how to become it.[00:10:05]The author felt like a fraud after getting a big promotion. What women don't understand about confidence is what makes us susceptible to the con. The external source of approval turns us all into people, pleasers on the outside and self-loathing doubters on the inside. Her favorite chapter in the book is chapter five, own Who You're Not and Embrace Yourself.[00:13:59]My working definition of confidence is when you know who you are, own who you're not, and choose to embrace all of it. We're watering down our unique abilities and talents by trying to spread ourselves so wide as opposed to narrowing. Recognizing that gives me the opportunity to be more of myself.[00:17:45]The more you spread yourself around, the less you can actually show up in any of those places. By 60, women are actually more confident than men. Do you think that it's possible for women considerably younger than us to reach the same level of confidence as a woman who's closer to 50?[00:29:51]Nicole: I don't believe there is such a thing as being too confident. When you think about the "too much" being arrogance or ego or even narcissism, none of those things are confidence. Those things are just a mask for a whole host of insecurities.[00:31:46]confidence is when you trust yourself. Is it different for a woman in a male-dominated job industry company versus one where there's a lot more women? There are differences between the more male-dominated industries and the more female-dominated ones.[00:37:39]Swimmers have a totally different relationship with risk and failure than those who did not have experience in competitive sports. My daughter is nine and she's just starting to get involved in things. I want to create an environment of curiosity and discovery. I cannot think of lessons that are more important for all children to learn.[00:41:02]But you have now hit another milestone in your career. There's so much of an ethos right now in our culture about every woman needs to be an entrepreneur. But sometimes you need to savor. Sometimes you just need to stop for a minute and recalibrate.[00:42:20]The author says she is entering the year in a recharge, relax, and restore place. Her journey is always looking within, trusting herself. It'll be really interesting to see where self-trust takes you.