Welcome to the first sampler episode of Jeremiah wonders with Pete Holmes. You may be asking Jeremiah What is this doing in my feed the episode already aired this week? Well, a lot of you like myself don't have time to watch or listen to every podcast that's out there So what I'm gonna start doing if you guys like it is I'm gonna start putting sampler episodes out with 10 12 minutes of material from the episode And it's a great way for you to catch up and maybe wet the appetite a little bit more for you to listen or watch it the full episode So that's what we're doing with Pete here today The sponsors of this show are blue chew and express VPN their info is below You can use my promo code SACs with both of these companies and they will hook you out and out at checkout and stuff all my stuff Is on my website and on at your my standup on social media. Let's get into this short sampler episode right here right now with Pete Holmes I tip it in euros and I pay it in cash and cash.
I mean american. Thank you I had the best covid. Okay. Come on.
We are doing great. We're doing great. We're doing great. We're in it Jumping in listen my covid is stronger than anybody else's covid.
It is quite fantastic. Okay. Wow hidden No, I don't want to think about Bill Cosby Did you know that his his dad's name is Frederick Christ Trump? Did you know that?
Wow, so in in Trump's opinion. I am the son of god. Okay. I am the son of the son of god I'm the son of the son of god.
Okay And if the son of god is more popular than god the son of the son of god is going to be more popular in both of them combined I have the best covid. You know what's right? You know, it's better than a sequel a sequel sequels. That's what I like You didn't tell them billions billions Mexicans Mexicans I don't know the song well enough to riff with you.
I wish I did. It's okay. It's like when you're wanting to but you're like, oh, no, okay I'll catch you. I really did.
I really did. It's like when somebody who doesn't speak english very well starts talking to you And you really just want to like how do I tell you I'm safe. I like you Just like kind of looking like an idiot like oh, yeah, you look like Borat like that. Oh cool You were a skinny kid.
I was a chubby kid up until like I want to say like eighth grade I started to slim out and like just like my height just took over I was always tall. Yeah, you stretched out. I stretched out. That's what everyone told me I was so pudgy and they were like don't worry when you hit your growth spurt.
You'll stretch out and I hit my growth spurt and I was like Guys that came with me We went into a strip club and just politely asked if we could come in we were like we're not even pretending to have fake ideas I also did the same thing with pornography We went up to the guy at the one store that sold Playboy and I just said like I'm not a team But like please just let me buy that What did he say? I remember vividly what he said he said you don't want that those magazines I'm like you go cross side and he crossed his eyes and I was like, yes solid bit make with the boy I've never my penis has never been more confused than total recall with the three breasted woman Because I was like I know two of those are real and my did my penis was like I can work with two real in one CGI Hey, industrial light magic. I'm about the industrial light and wack it over You know What do we got over here? You can zoom on the union slob.
Let's get the work over here You zoom into my brain as a kid. I'm masturbating and it's just me watching that scene trying so hard to like blur out the third Breath and then I'm just like fuck it. I'll work with it. It's you as a kid But it's the men in black scene with a little alien inside the guy's head, but he's jerking off too Like it's a little peat side I definitely I remember cranking it to that.
That was that was a confusing time. So dude, this is so embarrassing, but I love it I Convinced myself. I saw a video it was on some server and it was like a video called like underwater boobs or something Okay, I I know it was like underwater big bosoms and I said to myself that just sounds artistic Like that's not pornography. That just sounds okay in your head.
You're like, it's it's fine It's like a lava lamp. It's a lava lamp. It's how do they undulate? It's got to be something that just sounds like an empty war hall So I click on it and I'm feeling I'm my contention now is that like this is what we were actually addicted to When we were horny horny Christian boys because that is in itself It's called an eight ball or speedball.
It's it's heroin and cocaine So it's guilt and elation so you're getting both it actually makes the drug a little bit more Addictive and a little bit more alluring because when you feel like you shouldn't be doing it It becomes this whole it becomes an opera of drama and then the release was fun, but then you felt so bad about it So bad anyway, so bad during the orgasm You do I'm sorry Forgive me Are you said yes, so I open up another sin That's it. Yes. No, I Watched underwater boobs and I wasn't touching myself and I blew it in my shorts that What you said and what I'm adding to it that is what it feels like to grow up Believing that you were bad and going to hell or whatever it might be because of your sexuality and your sexuality is at the forefront That you could get yourself to that level of tension that like a good Dominatrix would have a line across the block if they could get you to to come without touching yourself Just because of the mixture of shame and like sort of voyeurism together No touch a no touch blast get out of here. Uh, so I'm with you Life is so weird.
I wonder if john legend has ever been like I'm not leaving the studio till I come to my own music Whatever. I think that's how he ends every recording session Called me If you saw a porn star that you enjoy Or you have enjoyed in the past if you saw them iRL What are you doing are you saying hi fan of your work? Even better you're in an elevator. So you have a good you have a good couple minutes Do you say like I like your work?
Do they want to hear I like your work? Is that skeezy? Definitely not in an elevator because that's okay And just like looking at a woman being like like glancing at me like I like your work And then there's three wars that you oh my god. I was I was trying to make it less weird meaning like okay.
You're in line. You're in a bakery It's a popular bakery in New York. Oh, you're in a cave And you're in a cage inside of the cave with this person. You realize your prisoners Why do you look like do you say you're a fan?
But he uh zaldahunk is wanting you to do reremano Interminator and predator You're a predator Come on. Come on. Kill me. I'm here Here he is interminator Look, I'm glad I can jump around in time.
But why do I got to be nude? Huh? That's the catch You can go see Abraham Lincoln, but he's gonna see a speckle. I'm not even showish and i'm saying speckle Hi, turbanet robot T-800.
Yeah, um, you look like my side I went on one of my connect can't pull off those leather pants Does anybody have like a khaki in a 32 long Americans are so charmed by british comedians actors and all this stuff and i'm like They're just basic bitches like they're not special. They're just like wearing the crowd like he said in it I'm like they all say in it like but we're just like yeah, having a sport coffee on time Yeah, jeez wake up me grumbles in the jumbles and it's like that's just a basic fucking dude Ah It makes me laugh so hard. We just can't he's like yeah, all right Yeah, good looking out good to be here doing a bit of this and that comedy and I'm like why are we laughing? This is just john smith of fucking london.
Can I go there and just be like what's going on? What's going on in the news? What else is happening? Look at this guy They're not that charm, but for some reason they sound like hobbit stars and we can't get enough Do you ever run into those caricatures of people in real life every once in a while though and you're like Oh, is this the one person that they're basing this off of?
Oh, yeah, all the time and you want to tell them like do you know that you're an archetype? Yeah, you're the guy I'm sorry real life friend dresser. Oh, they have a croissant bar You're a character if you could please lower your your voice friend. That would be very appreciated How this is my whisper Where's gilman got free?
How did they not date? How did they not date for talk about power couple? Yeah, it's hard to say this without putting someone down But like when I watch queer eye and it's so delightful I'm like how much of this is that I don't have enough flamboyant gay friends Like is this unique to Jonathan or is Jonathan dipping into a collective persona? That's like oh honey like you you look so good and you don't even know it and we're so delighted But like there's probably 5,000 people like that But that's the one we know and we're just like where is he getting this stuff?
And I wonder if other gay men are like I know 50 Jonathan's like this is just unique to you because you're an Idaho The guys are just watching where I was like honey that guy is a hack I got one you look like a high-end Japanese sex robot. That's who you look But you look like a very expensive sex slave in Japan Like you you do not have a human soul, but you have every working whole And that's why you're fun to roast because that's what you do you need to enjoy Oh my god, you are a true talent