Point of Departure

I was busy working in the sun—immersed, trimming things, and feeling the crisp aliveness of the wind on my skin. Then suddenly it dawned on me that there was a time before I loved her. (I know this is trite, but humor me for a bit) Such was the inner non-sequitur that interrupted my link with nature that day. Similarly, this love pulled me from the dazed tunnel vision I had been employing. She became so central to my experience. I instantly felt as if her presence had always been there: despite our years of mere acquaintance. ‘Past lives’ is the default response when we can’t place why someone’s presence is so important to us: when this feeling comes on like a switch that we can’t and don’t want to turn off. As if they had been missing all along. A sense of relief, of coming home. Of excitement of being truly seen on a deep level. A level of compatibility that stuns and speaks of destiny.I was bewildered in the best way. I knew enough to immediately call both parents the morning after the first date to tell them I’d found the One. This was Not a pattern of mine. Such was the point of departure from my previous life. I was enthralled from the first kiss and before. Everything after was a dreamy reverie of union and bliss. One night in the dark, as the moonlight shone through the blinds, I looked in her eyes and told her, our faces inches away, “I love you.” I couldn’t possibly hold it in anymore. And I’ve been in love before, but never like this. After 50 years of life, I recognized the auspiciousness and the rarity. My feet greeted the hallowed ground of this sacred space.We were wide open and full of promise. I sensed her courage as she came to me and requited a few nights later, after a careful caucus with her guides. I felt her words waft their way to my ears as they glimmered and danced, lighting up my heart, sending little shocks of frisson through my body. Our souls were intertwined as if they had always been. I was absolutely certain this would never end. I had finally found her.Months passed and we became each other’s person. So much joy and laughter, togetherness and union. And yet, our stage was set with chaos and intense, seismic transitions. Our lives were layered in crises when we met. I didn’t stop to think that those impediments could mar our celestial affiliation.Then, in silence, the avalanche overtook us. A spell was cast and we were banished from the Garden. Everything stopped. The link was severed via bonesaw. We stopped sharing our lives and our days, our troubles and funny videos. No more walks and talks. No more. We just stopped one day.I know all the reasons and yet I still don’t know why.My love has deepened in absence, despite the shock and awe.Maybe one day I’ll understand, in the sweet bye and bye.I guess part of me got scared that I won’t remember these details after a while. They’ll just blur into a few peak memories. This caught me off-guard: that I’d even lose the memories. An intrusive thought, a message from within about the wrecking ball that tore down the dilapidated structures of my old urban core. The new skyline was just in the planning stage. In another dimension, these special memories would reside in a consecrated space between these lovers: cherished as the magical, germinal moments that they were. In a photo album casually perused at a wedding reception, an anniversary party, and a funeral. But not for these two star-crossed lovers.These two deeply sensitive soulsPerhaps too sensitive to bear the burdens and stay open and connected Too calloused to trust one more time and for the first timeToo jaded to believe what they knew to be trueUnmet needs and complaints co-mingle and fester when left unspokenOld wounds conspire and bedevilGenerational curses shackle the unsuspecting Karma arrives with a thudAn ancient spell, bound and superheated in a cauldron of fate, bubbling over with consequence. All the injustices of our lives led to that promontory point. The detritus of lifetimes of sleepwalking, only to awaken to devastation. The dishonors absorbed and meted out. Our parents and our parents’ parents. Witness the totality of our ancestral lines: their losses, their heartaches and their toil. The weight of a thousand lifetimes, the yearning of a thousand souls. And yet there is the promise of the new.I suppose the only antidote to such black magic is stronger magic. How does one lift a curse of such scope and scale? What does love ask of me in this moment? Maybe some day I’ll break that spell. Maybe those same ancestors will assist me and rejoice. Love finds a way. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit greenmang.substack.com/subscribe