Poop Cop Promotions, Naked Hyponotists, And A Watermelon Felon

Episode SummaryFriday’s show lurches from Sandy Kane’s ancient, flopping public-access nudity to a naked VR hypnotist who used to bang animals, with stops at a peeling Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool, sovereign-citizen courtroom gibberish, racist parking-lot shrieking, and a Texas cop who somehow turned poop misconduct into a promotion.Sandy Kane opens the show with her gloriously filthy version of Gloria, proving once again that age cannot kill a truly determined street goblin.Tim revisits the show’s long-running Gloria curse, from his own failed early cover attempt to Mead Skelton’s Laura Branigan obsession.The featured image delivers exactly what was promised, the saggiest tits in Times Square, courtesy of a woman who still refuses to wear a shirt at roughly 98 years old.Sandy Kane, aka The Naked Cowgirl, once got sued by the Naked Cowboy for ripping off his barely-clothed Times Square hustle. New York, everybody.Her old stripper lore includes lighting her breasts on fire, because apparently subtlety was never part of the act.Tim uncovers more of Sandy’s musical catalog, including songs about loving dick and one number that sounds suspiciously close to the Alvin and the Chipmunks theme if Alvin had a pill problem.Proximity Chat signs up for a VR hypnosis session and quickly learns the hypnotist is not only naked during sessions, but also an unlicensed therapist and former zoophile who now helps other zoophiles “recover.”The hypnotist explains he’s nude because of sensory issues, lives in a facility where carers keep barging in, and casually tosses out enough red flags to wallpaper a stadium.Once Proximity decides to post the encounter, the hypnotist panics, brings in backup, and starts throwing around accusations while somehow making himself look even worse.It’s one of those internet train wrecks where every new sentence somehow feels less professional than the naked hypnosis session that started it.Trump’s Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool makeover was supposed to fix the gross green water by draining it, killing the algae, and painting the bottom American-flag blue.Instead, the pool still looks like a toxic soup and the fresh blue paint is already peeling off in giant floating sheets like a bargain-basement skin graft.Tim doesn’t really care that money was spent on the project, but he does care that the result looks like a septic middle-school art experiment.A sovereign-citizen courtroom clip features a judge instantly shutting down a woman trying to “accept charges for value,” refuse “contract,” and somehow request segregation like that’s the magic phrase that frees her.The judge makes it crystal clear that no one has ever beaten charges with this gobbledygook, and that she’s one stupid phrase away from earning herself a contempt sentence.A bodycam clip captures a father-daughter duo having a racist parking-lot meltdown, screaming about being white citizens, threatening cops, and spiraling all the way into restraints and medic checks.Dad insists the country is failing while daughter cycles between fake tough-guy threats and shocked disbelief that handcuffs happened after she kept touching cops. A mystery for the ages.Texas father Jeff Metcalf, speaking after the Carmelo Anthony murder verdict, says enough wildly racist garbage on a podcast to torch whatever “this isn’t about race” goodwill he had left.Among the lowlights, he trashes the idea of Black jurors being unbiased and proudly coins the term “watermelon felon”, which tells you pretty much everything you need to know.Former officer Matthew Luckhurst, notorious for the alleged dog-shit sandwich for a homeless man and a separate feces-smearing restroom incident, has now been promoted to police chief in South Texas.If you ever needed proof that failing upward is real, behold the man who turned poop scandals into career advancement.