Presidential Fuck Machine, Abraham Lincoln: Emancipator of Tight Assholes

Tim opens with a fresh intro explaining why you’re getting a classic instead of a new show:Weekend trip to visit his mom in Ashtabula turns into a rental car disasterStranded with a busted rental, five-hour delay, and useless Enterprise locationsLearns only airport rental counters are open on weekendsForced to drive home in a bright cherry red Kia Soul that doesn’t fit a 6'2" man or his egoPromises a new DV episode later in the afternoon, but for now serves up a filthy Best Of from 2016 featuring an Abraham Lincoln Sextastic TuesdayWe then jump back to Tuesday, March 8, 2016, Sideshow-era Sextastic Tuesday.Tim rants that Twitter is only good for yelling at companies, citing his Chipotle burrito bowl sagaReads a curated stream of disgusting sex tweets about period blood, wrecked pussies, and weird-smelling dicks to set the Sextastic moodPlays a performance piece about Diva Cups and “pussy blood collections”Poets lovingly describe pouring menstrual blood into a “chalice” and even rubbing it on a boyfriend’s dickTim pushes back: bodies are gross, blood is gross, genitals are gross — please keep all that to yourselfTourette’s porn: schoolgirl with Tourette’s shouting obscene phrases as her “spasms” conveniently slam her face into dick territoryChubby “sweet boy” porn: a massive, hairy man gets humiliating baby talk about his “little peenie” while his gut is lifted to find his dick, all set to bizarre children’s-style background musicFeature-length erotic fanfic starring Abraham Lincoln with magic cum:Abe wakes in 1863 with a raging erection and an itchy seven-point star birthmark on his thighSkips Mary Todd and gets serviced by maid Martha, who deep-throats his nine-inch “birch rod” while he calmly sips tea and eats biscuitsLater, Japanese emissary Takeyoshi reveals Lincoln is a chosen shinobi whose power comes from his loinsA super-charged orgasm blasts through the White House wall and across the sky like a cum cometAbe then lubes up with breakfast butter, rails the ninja, and joins in a multi-man cabinet fuck session as everyone services everyone elseLincoln’s “powers” manifest through gigantic loads and a convulsing ninja assholeAdamAndEve.com spot:Use coupon code FREAK for 10 free gifts + free shippingTim begs you to buy smut and support DVChina Elevator HorrorWoman dies trapped in a shut-down elevator; body discovered a month laterScratch marks inside show she tried to escape; Tim imagines the smell and rats.Punch-Your-Husband Women’s Day Event (China)Husbands dress as padded human punching bags so wives can sock them for “forgiveness” and empowerment.Texas School Board Nut – Mary Lou BrunerLeading candidate believes:Obama financed a drug habit as a male prostituteSchool shootings started after evolution was taughtDinosaurs rode out the flood on Noah’s Ark and died laterClimate change is a Marxist hoaxTim notes she’s clearly insane, but also that the article about her is not exactly neutral.Listener Elizabeth asks for a Richard Simmons birthday drop; Tim plays an ultra-creepy “Happy Birthday” clip for her.Multiple freaks call about WhiteGuysFartInMyFace appearing on Tosh.0 months after DV covered him.One listener insists Crystal Pepsi actually tasted good; Tim admits he liked it too.Tim urges the Freak Army to pressure Tony’s to sell school-style Fiestada Mexican pizzas in normal grocery packs instead of bulk to schools.Mentions revamping his old soda blog FizzledOut.com and wanting to post more beverage nostalgia.Plays an old Pokémon parody sketch at the end where a cute kitty Pokémon gets annihilated by a giant bear.Opening / Twitter & Period BloodDiva Cup Slam PoetrySextastic Clips: Tourette’s & Teeny PeeniesSextastic Story: Abraham Lincoln Presidential Fuck MachineSponsorNewsVoicemails & Odds & Ends