Proverbs: How to Build a Life: How to Build a Marriage

Grant Clark continues the Proverbs series "How to Build a Life" by turning to what the book teaches about marriage. Rather than the usual texts in Genesis 2 or Ephesians 5, he draws five recurring themes out of Proverbs itself and presents them as five gauges on a dashboard, inviting listeners to check which one needs attention, whether they are married now or may be one day.He opens with recent headlines from an advice column, each one a person in a hard situation asking an expert what wisdom looks like for them:"My Wife Won't Forgive me for Cheating""I Can't Talk to My Wife About Money""My Husband Hates our Life""Do I Like Being Single Too Much to Fall In Love""Do I Work on my Marriage, or Cut my Losses?"The central text is Proverbs 31:10-31, the passage on the wife of noble character. Grant notes it is an alphabetical acrostic running the twenty two letters of the Hebrew alphabet, a literary device signaling completeness, and warns against the two common misreadings: turning it into a wife hunting checklist for men, or an impossible standard for women. It is an idealized portrait, not a job description."This passage is a rich way to end the book on a high note. While it depicts wisdom exemplified in the life of a woman, it is not a lesson only for women, but for men as well. Both men and women need to be like the 'Proverbs 31 woman'!" - Lindsay WilsonThe portrait functions as the embodiment of Lady Wisdom from Proverbs 1 to 9, set in contrast to the adulterous woman whose way leads to ruin."The 'good wife' points us to what Proverbs regards as 'the good life'." - Lindsay Wilson## 1) Become a Person of CharacterProverbs 31:10 and Proverbs 31:30 put character ahead of charm and beauty. Grant tells of asking his brother in law for advice before pursuing his wife, and being pointed to the question that mattered most: does she fear the Lord?"The Fear of the Lord is a reverential awe, that produces humble submission, to a loving God." - Skip HeitzigHe contrasts this with current cultural priorities, citing a 2025 University of Amsterdam study of dating app behavior which found physical attractiveness overwhelmingly determined who got matched, weighted roughly ten times more heavily than intelligence, personality, priorities, job, or height.## 2) Trust Your SpouseProverbs 31:10-11 can be read as the husband entrusting his heart to his wife, a vulnerability with real risk, since a spouse knows us best and has seen us at our worst. Grant passes on a practice from pastor John Tyson: take a fifteen minute window a day to share with your spouse what is happening in your inner world and to listen to what is happening in theirs.He then walks through research from the Gottman Institute on the roughly six hours a week that sustain a healthy marriage:A 2-minute meaningful goodbye in the morning.A 20-minute reunion at night processing the day and being present to one another.A hug and a six-second kiss every day.5 minutes of appreciation and affirmation every day.A 2-hour date a week.A 1-hour state of the union a week, zooming out and looking at the big picture of your life and relationships.## 3) Be LoversProverbs 5:15-20 speaks openly about sex within marriage, with no shame or awkwardness, using the imagery of the cistern, the well, and the fountain. Grant observes that in many ancient cultures marriage was primarily a familial and economic arrangement, which is part of why male unfaithfulness was often socially tolerated. Proverbs instead presents both the ecstasy and the exclusivity of sex in marriage, husband and wife belonging to one another. He is candid that for many this is a vision being built toward rather than a starting point, and offers the church's help for those for whom this gauge is a point of pain.## 4) Spouses are Close FriendsProverbs 2:16-17 uses a Hebrew word for companion that describes the closest of friends, a marked contrast to a setting where wives were often viewed as property and child bearers rather than companions. Grant then turns to how couples erode that friendship through their words, in Proverbs 25:24 and Proverbs 27:15."To nag is not to do thoughtful criticism, but to do 'drive-bys,' making brief caustic or cynical remarks that complain and question motives and character. Two telltale signs of a nagging statement is that it begins, 'You always . . .' or 'You never . . .'" - Timothy KellerThe alternative is not silence about real problems but pouring out the concern at the right time and place, working it through to completion rather than dropping barbs along the way.## 5) Marriage is Kept together by a CovenantGrant draws the contrast between a covenant and a contract, and between vows and speeches. A speech describes how the other person makes you feel. A vow is a promise: for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others. He calls forsaking all others the most radical part, a commitment made in faith without knowing what the future holds. He illustrates the alternative by reading a contractual, watered down version of the vows and letting it land."It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer, written from prison in 1943He notes that Scripture nowhere makes happiness the purpose of marriage, referencing Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage on marriage being ordered toward holiness more than happiness, with hard seasons serving to form us into the likeness of Christ.Ephesians 5:25: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her..."Marriage is a billboard displaying the love of God, to a spouse and to the watching world. Grant closes by pointing underneath all five gauges to the covenant of grace Jesus has already made, loving us at our worst, forgiving us at enormous cost, and promising never to leave. It is hard to give what you have not received, so as the love, forgiveness, sacrifice, and unconditional commitment of Jesus go deeper, we are empowered to extend the same to a spouse. A marriage is not built in a moment but through thousands of ordinary daily decisions.Verses referenced:Proverbs 31:10-31Proverbs 31:10Proverbs 31:30Proverbs 31:10-11Proverbs 5:15-20Proverbs 2:16-17Proverbs 25:24Proverbs 27:15Ephesians 5:25