Welcome to the Tweed Trends podcast. Hey, Evette, what's trending today? Hey, I'm Evette, hey girl. And you are tuned in to Tweed Trends.
It's the quickest way to find out what's trending today. Today's topic hits pretty close to home. It's National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. And we have to bring awareness to topics like this because quite often the people that are experiencing it, they're not talking about it.
And so for a person to experience the loss of a pregnancy or the loss of a child, kind of along the lines of just recently in the news, John Legend, the singer, and his wife, they experienced a miscarriage. And it was in the news. It had people talking for a hot second, but I don't feel like the conversations that need to be held were actually taking place. It was more of the condolences, but we need more education on how do we deal with it if you're the one experiencing it?
How do you find help? And if you know of someone who is going through it, then how do you respond to them? How do you help them through that time period? So I think you're gonna enjoy today's episode.
And I also have a bonus episode. So keep an eye and ear out for that as well. But let's go ahead and get started. In honor of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I have someone today that I'm gonna be interviewing.
Her name is Kelly Smedley, and she is the owner and founder of Waypoint Counseling and Maternal Wellness, P-L-L-C. Hey, Kelly, how are you? I am good, Yvette. Thank you very much for having me.
Oh, no problem, no problem. So this is a big month for me. I have had a number of miscarriages. I've even lost an infant child.
And the fact that it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month, it's always a tough time. And then going into the holidays, doesn't make it any better, you know? Right. And I love the fact that you do your counseling, but you're also someone who has gone through it.
I feel like there are people out there who have that natural ability to connect with people. But when it comes to child loss, I feel like if you haven't been through it, you just don't quite know exactly what that's like. And then because it's different between each person, there are no two situations that are the same. I can't say to you, I know how you feel.
Right. Because I don't. You don't. But once you have had the experience of losing a child, you relate to other parents who have experienced that loss, even if the nature of it was different on a much deeper level.
It's totally a different grief and pain than losing a parent, losing a sibling, losing an aunt. And you don't, you can't even describe it until you've experienced it. Definitely. Now, how do you, I don't know if I could do what you do?
Because I feel people's emotions, when they, I think I would be in a puddle of tears, every counseling session to hear someone's story about their loss and then to try to help them through that. So how do you, how do you manage that? I think experience, basically. I mean, I empathize with people, but I have an ability to compartmentalize and set boundaries for myself emotionally.
So I can function because I think any therapist would agree that you have to kind of learn how to navigate those boundaries, otherwise you can't live your own life in a healthy manner because you'll be so caught up in everybody else's problems. Over the past several years, I really was drawn to maternal mental health. As I was developing that interest, I also experienced my loss of my child as he was an infant and died very suddenly from SIDS. And that was over seven years ago.
And I have this ability because I'm trained in mental health and mood disorders. I see a lot of pregnant and postpartum moms, as well as having my own experience and as well as having training and grief. I have decided like I wanna really help, I have a way to help women. I think on a level that unless you've experienced that loss, you don't quite get it.
And so when postpartum support international approached me about doing this support group for moms who've experienced miscarriage loss, I felt like I needed to do this. I was like, oh, I wish something like this existed when I lost my son because it's so isolating because it's amazing when you lose and you probably experience this on some level yourself. When you lose a child, many people show up, but many people disappear. Yes.
And even family and because it's so painful and it can be really confusing, especially many of the moms in my group as well as moms I see in my practice, they're postpartum too. So they've had a miscarriage, but they're postpartum, they have the hormones and it's really an emotional roller coaster. Some of the themes that come up are also, these moms don't know what to do next. Do I have another child?
What if I have another loss? How do I deal with that? I can I handle that? I can't handle these emotions.
How do I, if I already have children, how do I take care of my children while I'm grieving? How to honor your child? How to deal with family and friends? What's normal grief?
What's not normal? And so it's helpful for moms to really have a space where other women sadly are going through very similar things, but they have a connection that you can't get from your best friend, you're even your own partner. I know there's a big difference between people that have had miscarriages because they don't actually, the mother might connect because she was pregnant. However, there's still that idea that like with me, that my first pregnancy was a miscarriage and because I had been pregnant and I miscarried, I considered myself a mother, but people around me didn't because they never saw my baby.
They, you know, I had no stories, no pictures. And so it was kind of like, do you say something? Do you not say something? Yeah, that's a big question that comes up a lot.
So I think it's personal preference. And I think everybody has their own comfort level of if someone says, how many children do you have? And you've had one or two miscarriages or you had a stillbirth. What do you say in those instances?
And there's no right or wrong. It's your comfort level. I, when I get asked, so I have five children four on earth and one in heaven. So I will say that when it's appropriate and when I feel like it.
Like sometimes I just don't like the cashier at the grocery store. You'll like getting that pity look. Oh, and that's shock. Because you know what I'm talking about.
And so I may only say I have four kids. But when I feel up for it, I will say, I have five, I have four on earth and one in heaven. And then, you know, that may scare people away or that may invite them to ask more questions or I share a little bit of my story. But I want to honor, I'm a, he's my child.
So same with, you know, if you've had a miscarriage, it's your child. It's okay, but you also don't have to. You know, everybody's different. Wow.
So you said the grief look. And I want to put this out there into the atmosphere. Everyone who's listening, tell your friends and tell your friends to tell their friends, stop it with the grief look. That face does nothing for us when we say we've had a miscarriage, we've lost a child.
You can still empathize, sympathize without having to do the ugly sad look. Like, oh, right. It does nothing. Well, I think part of it is people are shocked because they're not expecting that.
You know, I mean, it's so commonplace. How many kids do you have? You know, blah, blah, blah. That question gets asked all the time that when it's not kind of the normal response, you know, and they get that, you know, the someone telling them that they've lost a child.
So I think it's shock. And then I think people are really afraid to say the wrong thing because they don't want to make you cry. And another thing to put out there is it's okay. You know, mention our child's name.
Ask, you know, say something that reminds you of the time you were pregnant with, you know, the pregnancy you lost. Say something about the child that you lost because we, they're on our mind all the time. And even if it makes us cry, which usually it won't, you know, unless you're in the initial grief stage, but even if it does, we want our child to remember and recognize and that's so important for moms. So important, right?
We're gonna have to put that on a billboard somewhere. Like definitely say their names. I mean, yeah, so you're not gonna make our day go worse by asking about our loss or anything. Because we're, you know, that's what I think I hear from other people's.
They don't want to trigger the grief of a mom who's lost. They don't want to like ruin her day. She's having a good day. I don't want to say anything.
You're not like you make our day by acknowledging our. Right. If there are tears, it's like tears of joy. Like, oh my gosh, you remembered.
Yes. You know, I mean, that's birthdays. Birthdays. Yes.
Two dates, holidays. It's so important, you know, because we, as a mother and a father, but as a mother, you know, you want your child recognized. And it's, you know, we have to do it in a different way when you've experienced loss. What way can people get in contact with you?
Because you are in North Carolina, correct? So I'm located in Durham, North Carolina. And I, so, you know, COVID has certainly, you know, been a unique experience. So I see, now I see clients virtually as well as in person.
Our state has opened up. So, so, you know, I give my clients the option, you know, we have safety protocols and everything right now for coronavirus. And so they can reach me. Email is probably the best way.
My email address is kellyatwaypointcounseling NC.com. Or our website is waypointcounseling NC.com. OK. Now with PSI, I know you said that you're, you all are looking for more counselors.
Is there a background? Someone would need to... I don't think so. I think so.
To become a PSI volunteer, you can go on their website and search for each state has a coordinator and reach out to that person. But there's also a volunteer coordinator who can connect you. You know, so there's volunteers needed for all sorts of things, organizing local events. You know, PSI's mission is to really bring awareness and education about perinatal mental health issues, postpartum depression, anxiety, and the whole gamut.
I mean, there's a whole range of things. And so volunteers don't have to have a clinical, therapeutic background. You know, many of the volunteers that just want to help or they've experienced postpartum depression or anxiety themselves and want to help other moms. So it's a really wonderful organization on this doing a lot of work to help women enjoy that time and their life that they're supposed to be enjoying, but because of mental health issues or stress or pandemic or whatever, everybody's struggling.
So, yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for your time, Kelly. And that we're going to get that word out there of the things that we do not want people to do.
And thank you for all that you do with your volunteer work and your business. I know that there are lots of families out there that need the support and they need the help. And I'm glad that you're there and able to walk them through that journey. Well, thank you.
And I think, you know, I would encourage anybody listening or watching, you know, if you need help, no matter where you are, there is help available. There are resources that you can talk to your doctor, but don't wait to get help. I hate hearing how people suffer in silence for so long before getting help. There is a lot of help out there and it's there for you to use.
So sometimes it can be a little challenging finding that help, but you got to start somewhere and you're worth it and you don't have to suffer. That was today's episode of Tweet Trends. I hope you enjoyed it and got some really good information from it. If you want even more gems, there's more.
Because guess what? This was only about half of the interview. For the entire interview, head over to my YouTube channel. That's HeVet, of course, just like the Instagram, just like the Twitter, just like the Facebook.
That's HeVet, H-E-V-E-T-E, or, you know, you can always look for the hashtag Tweet Trends. Hope you guys have a great weekend and I'll see you back here again on Tuesday.