Resentment, Sincerity, & Humility

Do not pay attention to the faults of others. It blurs the vision, defiles the mind, and adds to the load of the world’s sin. Therefore, try to see only the bright side of things in whatever you perceive. It is the good and beautiful which are true and living, whereas the bad and ugly are only the shadow of what really is. Nobody ever wishes to be bad. When you seek the company of others, remember you are out to find the good and beautiful. Truly, if you are simple and sincere inwardly, as well as outwardly, your heart will be pure and full of joy, and your intelligence and reason sound and accurate. Then, you will find good everywhere and nothing will appear to be evil. -Anandamayi Ma I had a deep and profound realization recently around resentment. First, I resent people not because of what they do or do not do. I resent them because of my judgements and expectations I project onto them as to who they should be. Not who they actually, are but who I think they should be. Second, my resentments are entirely a reflection of me and my internal state. Here is an example from my past. Once upon a time I found myself really withdrawing and isolating from a romantic relationship. After a few weeks of breaking away, I realized that what I was doing was avoiding feelings, feelings I did not want to feel fully. My fear of rejection was so deep in me I didn’t even see I was running from it. I also had felt embarrassed and frustrated after being put on the back burner, so to speak. I learned from this situation two important things. First, I had not structured the relationship consciously by communicating and inviting this person into the vision I had for us, and as space where after sharing how I felt, she could have shared her feelings, mood, and space with me. This would have set up the relationship for exploration and curiosity, without control or expectations. Instead, I expected things to already be clear, headed in the direction I was going, and took things personally when things didn’t go the way I wanted. You’ve never had this problem before have you? This is brings me to the second thing; I quickly resented my friend. That resentment was entirely about me. Where does resentment come from? It seems to be a codependent strategy. It is definitely a defense mechanism, as it overshadows other feelings that may be harder to hold. Why does someone have to be to blame? Why resentment? It’s like a place where the energy can go other than turned inward - towards my own needs and pain. Instead there is a sense that someone’s needs are being met at the expense of another’s. That’s the field in which the resentment has a kind of logic. You know? Here is the logic: If I resent you, you will feel that, and change your behavior. Pretty passive aggressive, huh? Emotional enmeshment? Definitely. I have understood this intellectually for years now, but to see this mechanism play out in real time, and fail my relationship entirely was a wake up call. This could have gone different, but a lesson was learned. I have a strong suspicion that had I simply invited my friend to sit down with me, said what I was feeling and shared my vision for our relationship, things would have gone much differently. Our connection would have remained open and the underlying issues could have come up naturally. But there was a positive side to this. I was eventually able to feel the fear of rejection, the ickiness of resentment, and am now feeling responsible for my behavior, lack of coherence, and the emotional manipulation behind resentment. This frees me up to see the ‘good and beautiful’ that was happening between us. To see resentment as a symptom of personal isolation or repression is interesting. If given a chance to live in healthy expression, and move our energy out in healthy ways, and taking responsibility for that, we would have nothing to resent in others. Healthy expression of needs is so important, but also structuring situations and relationships so visions can be shared and structured around needs, so those can be all met in collaboration. To be ‘simple and sincere inwardly, as well as outwardly’ can feel so far away sometimes. Especially when there are these knots inside of us that complicate the expression of our feelings and desires in life. Here we are at a turning point of letting go. First we must feel to heal. What are the feelings you avoid when things get sticky? Fear of Rejection? Fear of Abandonment? Anxiety? Other overwhelming feelings? Running from this feeling of rejection around this time got me into a whole other situation that got real negative really fast. In that situation, I saw my shadows of self-seeking, control, resentment and bitterness right before my eyes. I felt real shame, real rejection and really bad. I headed back home and reached out to two important friends who took me through my emotions, my values and I became responsible for everything I had thought, felt (not felt), and done in, and to create, the situations I was running from. Humbling, to say the least. This humility was like a fresh look at my situation. It is what initiated a deeper awareness of my internal state. It is what woke me up from running. The ickiness and the shame became strong motivators to look at my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I started to see how my judgment was just a cover, a shield, for the pain I was feeling. This humility began to bring me into self awareness, still remorseful but with a whole new way of seeing things. This humility allowed me to see that I was just being human, very imperfect and far form ideal, and also see my friends in the same light. Just human. Seeing the values and unmet needs behind my motivations as well as the ulterior motives that creeped up behind my expectations and people pleasing behavior, made me see the good at work in the situation that I was unable to support. I saw all the connection that could have happened, had I been able to show up for it. Humbling. To be simple and sincere inwardly, as well as outwardly. For our heart’s to be pure and full of joy, and our intelligence and reason sound and accurate. That is my hope for myself, and for you. I do this by first honoring what is inside of me, then honoring it outwardly with sincerity. Then I do not see “evil” in others, only what good is wanting to be. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit uponawakening.substack.com/subscribe