Rethinking “Defiance”: When Students Are Drowning, Not Disobeying

Host Amanda Werner discusses how schools often misinterpret student “defiance” as willful disobedience when it may reflect nervous system distress, trauma responses, autism, or ADHD. She shares her experience as a former teacher and as an autistic parent of an autistic/ADHD child, describing how her child’s early “defiance” led to an autism diagnosis and how she previously blamed students and parents. Amanda reviews behaviors commonly labeled defiant (not following directions, talking back, unfinished work, leaving class, sneaking items) and explains how multi-step instructions can overwhelm working memory and sensory processing. She recounts supporting a student with severe outbursts by providing an isolated space and flexibility. She urges a mindset shift from “they won’t” to “they can’t right now,” using curiosity, questions, reduced demands, alternatives, and breaks to prevent escalation.00:00 Welcome and Topic01:04 Autism and Defiance02:26 Teacher Misreads03:38 Not Defiant Drowning05:05 What Defiance Looks06:10 Shoes and Support09:08 Compliance and Meltdowns09:52 Overload and Steps11:38 Talking Back Reframed14:07 Mindset Shift Cant15:27 Curiosity Over Consequences17:39 Wrap Up and Thanks