Riding the Waves of Doing and Being

I had a full week last week.My 6 month group container FED began and is now fully underway. Our first group coaching call and first embodiment ceremony already done.I took on one more 1:1 client in a 12 month committed journey with me. These require a deep commitment on my part as the holder and on the part of the one who says yes to being held.I taught a webinar on making basic nutritional changes for nervous system regulation for Perri Chase’s and Angel Grant’s HEARTH container.Then in my personal life there was a lot of social activities.The yearly bocce ball tournament. A dear friend came to stay with us for 4 days.We hosted a dinner party. Maya is transitioning to a new phase. Alma skipping naps and roaming around the house in the middle of the night.  I had 3 profound healing sessions with Angle Grant, Rae Dwyer and Dr. Danielle Nicole, all in the course of a couple weeks. A lot of internal shifting and making room for new ways of being and new levels of self approval and gentleness. A week in my life can feel like a lifetime. Because I am (mostly) really here for it.Really present. Really conscious. Centered in myself. But I was feeling the pressure starting to build with all the activity. There was not enough space. Everything started to feel a little squeezed. And yesterday, I felt the very familiar feeling of: too full.This feels like my insides are a pot starting to boil over. There is a low level agitation around everything.Everything feels crunchy and hard; like I’m wearing pants that are too tight.I find myself wanting to snap at Alma and Maya more easily.I caught myself wanting to pick a fight with my husband in bed last night I didn’t. I told him, “I feel so full. I feel like I want to start a fight with you, but I’m not going to.” Orienting toward connection and giving up my game with him is my forever practice. And it’s ugly, messy and painful to stay with yourself when you’re super full. You have to look directly at all the ways you abandon yourself and turn into someone who does things you aren’t proud of.I found my mind wanting to spin into stories of resentment and blame.Instead of staying with myself and seeing where I am responsible for how I feel, I would much rather throw it all on someone else.I want to keep moving, keep doing, keep pushing through, so I don’t have to slow down and be with what the truth is. I want to add more on and in to try to busy myself away from the uncomfortable sensation of pressure.There used to be a self flagellating quality to it.“Buck up, you little b*tch. Your needs aren’t important. Just keep giving and doing and eventually someone will come and save you.”But now, I save myself.I am gentle with myself.I forgive myself.I make space.Instead of picking the fight, I let the sensation I was avoiding open.Tears came.I cuddled into my husband and regulated my breath with his.Instead of letting my little ones lead, my wise adult Woman comes in and says, “Yes, you want to keep moving. I see you. I hear you. But we’re going to slow down. We’re going to take some space. We’re not going to keep pushing here.” Just like I would say to Alma when she’s melting down that she wants to keep playing at the playground when it’s obviously nap time.“I hear you my little sweetie. You want to keep playing. But I’m the adult and it’s my responsibility to keep you healthy, so we’re going to go take a rest now.”I took the day today and gave myself all the space to feel what was there.I walked aimlessly for an hour.I fed myself well.I went to yoga and just laid on the mat breathing the whole hour and didn’t do a single pose. I got a massage with a sauna and cold plunge.The things I did aren’t actually that important.I am grateful I have the resources to give myself this level of self care.But what really made the difference is that I truly let myself have the space.If my mind started guilt tripping me or pulling me into the story, I just made space for that too. Like I just expanded around it and let it be there and then focused on the space and stillness and being.I’m reminded of yin and yang, here.Yang energy is hot and masculine and doing-oriented.Yin energy is cool and feminine and being-oriented. When we get in a yang phase, there is a lot of momentum and we just want to add more and more of it. We keep putting logs on the fire to keep it going.But what we really need is yin to balance it out.Only the wise adult Woman can sense this need for balance, though. So she needs to be the one who comes in and corrects.She comes in and says, “Let’s cool down here. Let’s orient towards being. Let’s balance out all this doing-activity with some wide open space. Let’s go take a nap.”And it doesn’t take much. Just a 4 or so hours of alone time and space gave me exactly what I needed to feel full for my family again. I came home and felt really good and spacious. It’s not about always feeling good and spacious.It’s about learning to ride the waves. It’s about learning to go up and then come down, and to hold yourself and be in approval of all of it. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe