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Get tickets right now, vjsonellus.com. Brayer improv. August 1st. Be there.
It's my time. Show up for it. Oh my god. Jesus.
What just happened? Okay. Everybody. Tomorrow's today's going to be a great show.
Eddie Letterman's on the show. Oh my goodness. I'm okay. Hell yeah.
Patreon.com slash L has me. This one's not bad but let's go. Put on the July. I'm going to party.
My boss, Grandma. My boss, my Amanda, it's ManufactStep. Welcome. Looking.
I wasn't supposed to sing. I'm an announcer at the X Games and then they were like, we need to live via live in the audience for the crowd and I'm the not really the best at anything and at that. But at that, I'm the best in the world at Vertramp announcing. No one in the world is better than me.
See the sincerity of my eyes when I say it. I believe you. I always believe you're always sincere. Appreciate that.
But wait, but do you think maybe they're like, don't blast your throat with smoke machine too? Yeah. Probably that too. Oh, you're full of all kinds of great ideas after the fact.
Any letterman is here, ladies and gentlemen. I've been trying to get her on the show for five years. I was on it once years ago when it was on Sirius. Do you remember?
You didn't care. Do you remember? With Julian. With Julian.
With Julian. Of course. You too. Pet a TV show.
We had a TV show for episode. True TV. You folks were like, E? We were on E, but True TV.
No, you could crush. I could be very, very, very rich off that. If it was just like a long time. You and your Italian friends were breaking people all the time.
Is that what they do there? It's true TV where they're on a part of the book. It's not a vote on that show. I had a whole scandalous.
I had a whole scandalous exit that was not the boy's fault. What did you do? No, I ate a powder don't. I'm not even kidding.
OK, wait. Can I start from the beginning? Yeah. So I called me and I never want to write on a TV show.
Like, I'll consult on things. I consulted on Borat, I consulted on who is American. You consulted on Borat? I did.
You're like, I like to consult. Why are you hitting a wave? It took five years to get you back. I love your Los Angeles team.
It never ends. Thank you. You're the only one on the pod, actually. It's gang fest.
Come to think of it. Of course. You didn't push enough. Anyway, because I didn't want to hurt you, even though I know you like pain.
Yeah, hurt me. And you want to suck your own dick. So I hurt you in the book. You're too straight to suck your own dick.
It's not that true. It's homophobic to not suck your own dick. I hate gays. I like this turn.
This is fun. Listen, I became homophobic when a girl fingered me. She fingered homophobia into me. I went, ugh.
She went like that. She didn't do a lot. She was starting. Did she get farther?
She offered those very easy reviews. I was like, ew, get out of here. It was usually better. Everything was soft.
She looked like a boy. She just looked like a boy. And then she fingered like a girl. She kissed like a girl.
Except her haircut. See that? I'm into. Yeah.
My biggest kink is probably that I would love to hook up with a lesbian who looks like a boy. But trans girls are pretty cute. Trans girls are pretty cute. Trans guys.
Trans guys. Trans female to male is pretty cute. I was like, oh my God, a man that won't make me. How incredible.
Not that I think you guys are going to be. But it's like, when I see, I go, you're not. You can take him. I appreciate that.
I appreciate that. So there you are eating a donut with the young guys. What is it? I'm eating a donut.
I worked there. They hired me on just for like, I was only supposed to be there for two weeks, three weeks. Tops. This was like, I mean, this was early on on on my career.
This was probably their second season. They've had maybe a hundred and ten seasons right now. And the show runner, I didn't even know what a show runner was at this point or anything. I didn't know how television worked or anything.
They just asked me to do this. And so I came on to write. I'm in the writer's room. And the show runners there, all the guys are there.
And we're thinking of pranks that they could do tattoos they could get if they lost one of the pranks. And so the show runner says, who is just a guy? I don't know who he is. I don't know what level of power he is.
I don't look at life that way. And I just see a bunch of people in a room. And he goes, he said, oh, you should get a tattoo of a smiley face on your balls. You'll get so much pussy or something like that.
And I went, I don't know. And then everyone looked at me. They're like, what? Annie?
Oh, never mind. I just have never met a woman that was like, hold that dick back on the get of those balls. Yeah. Whole rum erupts into laughter.
Okay. And the guy who said that slams his fist down and he goes, oh, no, we need to get back to work. Like I completely hurt his like, you know, it was just such a thing. What a dumb to think that girls would like.
Is that a crazy girls? Like as a guy that's completely covered in tattoos joke tattoos, you got to know the girl when she sees you have a funny tattoo that better not be your first move. Yeah. That is like you've you've you've wanted and done her you actually has feelings for you.
And then you go by the way, I have like a ship on the body tattoo. I got a ship on the body tattoo. I don't that's not my that's not my. But you're confident, right?
So you have other things you're good at. So someone they're main, they're main, they're main. I mean, I mean, I love a son boy. I love someone that's willing to just themselves up.
I'm not quitting. You're not quitting. Yeah. Listen, we're fighting what is it?
Rage, rage into the dark. Yeah. That's how we're going, baby. Yeah.
All the way. I've been watching, you know, the Mythbusters guys. Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay. So I'm in the room. So this guy's mad at me.
I still don't know who he is. It doesn't seem to matter. The guy's like me. The four particle jokers like me.
They hired me. That guy comes in. He pulls me out of the room and he goes, I need to let you go. And I go what?
And he goes you. He said he goes you. He goes I can tell you're doing Coke. And I went what?
And I've been sober for four years. I was like, what are you doing? I'm doing Coke. And he's like, I saw the Coke on your shirt.
And I was like, oh my god, dude. We're eating. I was like, we're eating better than before you came in. And I'm annoying.
I talk at Coke speed. This is how I talk. So I'm like, what? In fact, Coke slows me down.
Nobody does Coke and misses it on their shirt. I don't know. I don't know. I never spilled it in my nose.
You never was anywhere else. Oh, yeah, you never have a smudged anywhere. We get rid of it. And by the way, places where Coke is allowed.
Writers' rooms, nightclubs, comedy. I'm like, who would care if you were going to Coke at a writer's room? Yeah. Excuse me.
I thought it was going to go, are you pranking me? I don't know you well enough to prank you. I couldn't. You know?
No, I wasn't upset. It wasn't the end. But you're like me. It would be false.
It would not be infuriated. So how dare you tell me online? Yeah. So anyway, so I was like, couldn't believe it.
I was like, what the hell? So then I leave and the guys hit me up. Everyone's texting me like, oh my god, what happened? This is crazy.
Please stay on the show. Like there's only a couple more weeks we want you on here. So I have my manager tell the production company. I'm like, I will come on, but that guy has to apologize to me.
I will be with this point. Um, 26. Good for you. I was like, he has to apologize to me because that was so weird.
So I don't lie. So, you know, a couple days go by, he's on set. He's not there. It's the day before he's going to come back to the writer's room and he's going to have to apologize to me and the head writer pulls me outside.
She's like, we're going to have to let you go. She goes, the guys just don't like you're writing. I never talked to her about any of this happening. So she doesn't know that I'm in constant contact with the guys and I'm friends with them.
So I go, are you sure? And I start scrolling through my text and her face goes white and she goes, oh, well, you should have like came and told me about this. I go, you're the head. Why would I?
I don't need to tell you about any of this. Like it was being handled and it's too late. I go, well, it's, you already fired me. So it's too late.
We're going to go back into the writer's room and I'm collecting myself and she's in front of me in the door and she grabs the door and she's like, before she opens the gym and she goes, she goes, Annie, I know one day I'll be writing on your show and I was like, oh God, I just looked at her. So long. I just looked at her and then she just opened the door and had to walk in and it was just so weird, because I got along with everyone except that woman was fine, but she's, you know, she's the bitch of the show runner. So she's like the new agent.
I want to have her, she's fine. Who cares? But, and that guy, it was just, he was so emaculated by me. And then so years later, I get, and I say friends with the guys and they were like, we're so sorry that this guy is like out don't worry we're gonna get rid of him it's just we just have to finish the season so then um so then years later i get a DM randomly on facebook from a guy that worked at the production company he's like i've been watching her for years i actually was so excited when i got you to write in the writer's room i was like to never see him down say hi to you he's like but i want to tell you as someone that was in office during all this that guy got fired like right after he did that to you and we all thought it was so tough and blah blah blah and i was like okay i mean it was like a job i wanted to fight for it but they fight him because they knew that you've they he falsely fired you that's what they're saying obviously that couldn't have been the only thing he did even so annoying because that is that any got fired for that they're like just know that he did it doesn't show a lot of composure for a girl to sort of bust your nuts on a dumb opinion and that is like right now i'm gonna make up that she's got cocoa liver it was so funny it was just such a weird it was such a funny thing but wow it was an interesting TV yeah but it was like interesting to see how i just like barrel through life i don't which i think you are to throw you barrel through off your bike and jay and i and then i learned i see other people's reactions afterwards i don't really i think i've learned to like manage people's emotions and stuff i never knew how to manage like the fragile ego of a man because my dad i mean i guess my dad he popped off a lot my dad was like we get angry and stuff but it just i don't know i just never i was always the most masculine out of my brothers and seven offens my brothers but i just was i just never i kind of was like the alpha that's i never really knew what it was like to have alphas get mad that i alphod yeah because i even mean i was just trying to be funny i was just going for the joke or whatever i feel like i've always been like that until i got sober because now i kind of you can see what people are yeah what now i it's not all about me anymore like i'm because i realized that that's a hopeless direction for me like it never ends up i never end up being happy yeah it's just like i want to the next thing so now it's more like i wonder what that person reacts that way i'm like well they probably got a reason and then i'm because i've done i've had so many different shoes in my life that i'm like well i can probably relate to that person in some way it makes sense yeah i'm like you know maybe their parents maybe their day maybe their wife maybe they're like they're like i've had like an annoying i've been annoying i've had annoying people like i've been in pretty minutes that yeah that make me react certain ways so when people react those ways i go they probably had the same thing that happened to me five or six thousand times do you get though do you ever get too sympathetic for the other person and give too much of yourself because i think i always struggle with that where i go to like no no you have good boundaries with that because i know i'm just still an egotistical maniac and it's like the the best i can do is understand your your angle and and not be angry at you but like to really sympathize and feel sorry for you that's going a little too far i think you're raw i don't know how you go to school you're though i think you're just a raw person uh but i guess you're you know yourself out of the me i haven't ego and it's but it's more apparent now than ever where i hear it talk and i go shut up you idiot but but knowing it hearing it now means that it's been there that whole time and i haven't heard it yeah but you're willing to get hurt you're like willing to be hurt i like for the sake of uh entertainment you're not covering it you're not like you don't hide your hurt yeah i feel like because people think i'm fearless or i like pain and i don't agree to that i think that i i am full of fear and i don't like pain at all i just am super into facing it like if i if i'm really scared i i think i don't think i'm any less scared than anybody else when they're about to do something they haven't done in their inexperience it's just i i i will not duck it but it's like saying with pain like i don't want to be paying like i'm breaking up just as bummed out as anybody else is i'm like oh like aah you know but it's also like if i don't that's the other thing i think if i duck it there's more pain for me than the average person like if i don't go to do something that i know i'm scared of i will i will eat myself up about it but also the rush of surviving something that you were afraid of because if you're afraid of it it is your body your sympathetic nervous system thinking that you're in like i love those goals oh god i feel so good to survive but then you're like how many times am i throwing myself into this like how many how many times is my body gonna go up and down right hey everybody Jason L show i'm Jason L is telling you to remember us we're podcast champions of the world also i'm well known for looking casual chickstick me and i know fashion and these sunglasses make me look good talking about nevin i wear jace yeah hey how'd you know because i got my fancy lowriders on over here as well these sunglasses are a steal crisp lenses tons of styles fantastic prices we tell you a little cautionary tale about an albino rat of a man named Anderson Cooper Anderson Cooper went to the side of snowing mountain one day a very bright day didn't wear any sunglasses yeah no nevin's on michael he did not and as a result Anderson Cooper he paid a hefty price you ever noticed that he does not have any eyeballs anymore that's the day they fried out because he did not he could have saved so much money he could have bought one pair gotten two free he blew it at nevin i wear dot com he could have got two pairs for his gay friends they've got tons of styles to browse for the straits and the gays at nevin i wear dot com that's why i wear because i could wear both by one get any two free no prescription free shipping worldwide yes anywhere in the school if you are on the international space station probably can't help you everybody else you're good free exchanges and returns so fans of the show if you want to try a pair of regular sunglasses i got the hook up with 35% off any one regular pair with code ellis or if you want to stock up you can get there by one get any two free deal these discounts are not available on prescriptions so check out nevin i wear dot com slash discounts slash ellis for quality shades at great prices that's nevin nev en i wear dot com slash discount slash ellis hey everybody Jason l show mitt mobile you might have heard of it it's a phone company but they're real cheap but they still do the same thing and every that every other phone company does it's like what are we really doing here you know or do you just want to brag about paying extra for your phone same phone same deal 15 bucks a month wake up america if any of your friends are still using the big legacy wireless providers you should seriously rethink your long-term commitment to that friendship yeah when mitt mobile says 15 bucks a month when you purchase a three-month plan baby they mean it Jason l show has it and they've never overcharged me with weird little sneaky bonus things all plans come with high-speed data unlimited talk text delivered on the nation's largest five g network all five of them forget what you heard it's not gonna do anything weird to your brain you can use your own phone with any mitt mobile plan i know what you're thinking oh i can't bring my phone number no you keep your dumb phone number you bring it along with all your existing contacts ditch overpriced wireless with mitt mobile's deal at three months premium wireless service 15 bucks a month to get this new offer and your new three-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month go to mitt mobile dot com slash that's mitt mobile dot com slash cut your wireless bill at 15 bucks a month at mitt mobile dot com slash at least 45 dollar upfront payment required equivalent to 15 dollars a month new customers on first three month plan only speeds lower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply see mitt mobile for details well i have to bring it up because today i because i told the god not jesus god i told the god and he was like patreon what my patreon subscribers to go up and i need my podcast to do better and you know financially i'm going under i'm almost completely bankrupting shit and i'm like okay what if i just get patreon people to sign up and then i was like what should i do god and god was like make a video like you got a mini bike like getting naked and do something fun on your mini bike that's so god it is right yeah and i was like okay yeah i guess i'll do that that sounds like a good idea and then i got a new bike and i was like i'll go out and i was like i'll wear like a G string because you know i want an actual package to go i don't want the neighbors to be mad at me so i told we're gonna like what are you afraid you're dick was gonna get caught in this oh i appreciate that thank you yes we know why you're wearing a little underweight anyway so i'm packing right the first couple of days i got after that it's your torture people that were underwear like that it's either they have the huge there's no medium-sized wearing fucking speedo or tight underwear that's interesting theory anyway so i go look i'm gonna go down the road i'm gonna come flying around then i'll come up to the camera and i'll talk about any letterman she goes okay good i haven't used the bike on the street yet and i come flying around the corner and i'm feeling pretty cool and i took my shoes off for it too and i was like whatever it's just a pavement like i've ridden my bike my whole life and i was like i'll do a little skid on the way there and it's got street ties not dirt bike ties and as soon as i hit the back brake the bike just kicked out and i was like i don't have anything to put down and i did know that as i was going down i was like hand no not hand elbow definitely not elbow and i was like dude really but yeah yeah but did you think about hiding behind your dick just tuck in the hidey room but i was like what i was like we should have held your dick back and had those balls hanging out like girls like i yeah all right yeah i feel like i would be irritated down with your scrotum okay let's move on so i skid it off but i my main concern was did briana continue to film oh what a nightmare if you had because i looked up i was like please tell me you're still because i'm not doing this again i'm never doing this again please come over and i'll continue to do the promo so i lost a lot of skin on my i lost skin on my back up the behind my armpits i don't even know how but both sides but i got my whole one whole cheek is gone like i rubbed the whole cheek off so that's cool but then somebody said in the chat someone said in the chat ask any about uh road rash oh yeah i've road rash what do you think why do people know i well it was a pretty epic it was an epic fall i'm already laughing and i haven't seen it so i was chained to five yeah i had a um a yamaha zuma that will just wait you had your own scooter not a i had i lived in sanifania mexico i was a bartender a go-go dancer a waitress and a fucking yager chugging out i was fucked up all the time but i loved riding my motor scooter drunk and i still can don't i do think that's actually a happy place that everyone should enjoy but um one night i just got so fucked up i was doing tequila shots because it was my friend's birthday and i was like oh it's your birthday you should buy me shots it was like a cute funny thing i was doing yeah it's hard making okay yeah and then i was like i'm gonna give you a birthday blowjob and i'm still the ground saved me from having a rash that shows up more often than uh the one the the pavement gave me wait what my this my dirty friend i'm just very glad i was like i was very drunk and i was like i'm gonna fucking give you a birthday blowjob he's like buy me these shots right so then i was like let's go to our friend daniel's house and he's like no no everyone everyone at the you're not driving and i was like fuck you guys i remember going beep beep fuck you right and i i drive off i go like two streets and i just and by the way i don't remember anything past being like fuck you guys okay i should remember that i wake up the next day with my chin split open i don't want to dress and so it looked like something you know the chin when the chin bleeds like so it looked like some of it slit my throat it was so bloody down my dress and um i had like a cut on my nose oh my face all over my yeah the side of my head like i was no helmet no helmet oh trying to die baby trying to survive actually trying to survive but just so fucked up so drunk so crazy and all i could remember was that i'd crash my scooter and that someone who didn't usually like me was there and helped me i just had the feeling of how much they didn't like me and how much they were still helping me and i couldn't i was trying to like who was it and i called my friend david his house i lived at and he was uh at his girlfriend's house sleeping over and he came and picked me up and took me to the hospital and i mean it was my chin was split open and i got nine stitches which i feel like is smaller than i thought like it was really busted open and i had road rash all over my tits because i've been waiting i was right to the edge of the nipple for the joke and my in my stand up and my special is coming out it's it was the full nipple but um it got right to the edge and i just had road rash all over my tits and that was my pick up line i was like i'm putting yours more on my titties i was like nice but so okay so the next day i'm at the hospital i'm still fucking wasted right and the doctor keeps going was drinking involved i kept going just between us of course not i don't drink like i just drank on the way here because i was like i'm not fucking telling them to arrest me for DUI i just was like absolutely not and i drank on the way here with my friend you know because i wreaked of alcohol and then um good lie yeah i'm like because if you drink like alcohol you better say you did it of course i'm not ever told i didn't have alcohol but so then and i was friends with the cops and sanifications like alcoholic i was i was like i better like be ready no i didn't blow anyone i never blew anyone that could help me i blew people i was gonna say that's kind of a bad mood i never ever like i was always so opposed to people thinking that i was like hook up with people to get something even when before i was in comedy oh we're aware that i would go i love i respect the hell out of you for it too i mean it's i look back i'm like when i went to a director of comedy at foxling didn't for a kiss i'm like what if i hadn't gone like this what would happen if you hadn't treated him like a vampire i always assumed it wouldn't have yeah i was like yeah he'd be the host of several dating shows maybe or maybe not see that's the thing i feel like people don't get about the casting couches i if you don't play the game then you don't get what you want but if you do play the game there's no guarantee right i'm like just a blow job i'd be like thank you yes exactly i just always i was so super the casting i was so surprised i thought it was like a myth and then i went oh my god is this really a thing yeah and then you think i want how many people did it and i love when a guy tells me that it happened to them i'm like that is like i would have done it that's true well i can't think of a woman alive that i wouldn't sleep with like in a casting situation we're like i'm almost positive i'm not going to get the job but this gross lady producer is like well maybe i can look like that this is amazing she is loyal to her lady i just like my clap i was just close enough to the fantasy let's do it yeah i would do it like i would roll up i'd hit that yeah i wonder i wonder what they're like because nobody you okay for instance i watch the kevin space documentary there's got to be tons of people that did get things from him that are keeping their mouth shut that i thought they'd do with it yes because i got something because Anthony rap is already very successful so he was like the only one that was like pretty sick and the other guys were just had like bit parts and stuff and were never really made it as actors and so you're like oh i wonder like the silenced ones that really got something from it yep but anyway who cares yeah always was like break Harvey out break Harvey out it was really serious to you know give me like how it's done his job to suck him off or whatever but what if you could be on the show but you were just under the desk blowing him but you're like kind of tagged in it like you like you still got a little bit of a shot you got a shot from blowing you i got a shot yeah oh i bet you're so good at it i am one time i had a contest with my ex wife with a guy and i destroyed her i would love to see her divorce papers whatever things cited in there and then we were kneeling i knew i'm we're kneeling next to each other she's got more reasons than me being a but are you in love now what's going on i saw you post something you're so i love out you you just push it yeah i don't care i'm like when you're me and you admit that you suck dick you think i'm worried about people going oh you're gonna fall in love like okay i've been i've been divorced for over a year and a half so fuck everybody and i've been sober for almost eight months and i'm doing all the work you're sober from what did you relapse on um well i got into cradam cradam is such a little secret fuck it's like heroin i'm kind of giving up on talking about it because people get mad at me because yeah it's just like that's our main sponsor yeah i think that that might be but but it's but for me i can only say me because i want to tell anybody else what they need to do with their lives but for me when i quit it took me 36 days to feel normal in the first four days i almost went to hospital because i was starting to like really like lose control of my body and it was shaking so much that i was you know and it was like 30 days later i was in meetings and i was rocking back and forth and i was like something else is wrong i have because it can't be that because it's just some stupid early meetings or am meetings hey hey i don't know i just imagine when i'm hollywood meeting it's like what's a hollywood meeting you've never been on one come on you never was tony hock never brought you on one a hollywood meeting that's a fun burn-o and god i don't know i was like are you better skateboarder than tony alga my that's one of my favorite moments in my pocket so like oh yeah fucking kidding me i mean he's pretty good huh i love t's i mean he's not as good as he used to me but yeah he's i just loved it he's Jason we'll get into it fuck us i know you sort of like it you're mad but a little bit i know what i'm not mad i'm not looking at him he's so too late at that now but i'm totally confident so you're okay so you got so from creative because creative is like it's people get on creative to get off of hair it's an opioid it's an opioid blocker like it does the same thing so when you get off it it does the same thing it's kick and heroin yeah so it's to me it was the hardest thing that i've ever had to kick because it just lingers yeah it's like you quit wait it's like four days sucks you mean by faj five you're like ah come on you know it's not but there's no like body ache or like temperature changing or anything with the creative thing it was like two weeks in i was miserable i was sick my stomach was fucked up and i was like wait this can't be that yeah and then like i thought i had scd and i was like i haven't had sex with anybody but i you know paranoia like maybe it's like a scd that came late and i go get all the tests and i'm like i don't have anything wrong with me and i was like okay i don't have maybe i have uh i thought i had a a staff infection it's like maybe it's a step maybe i have a staff blood infection because i felt sick inside and it's like you're fine there's nothing wrong with you and i'm like okay so it is that and i am in hell so i was just like and then the weed i've obviously i can wait my whole life every day non-stop i always have and it was just like to me it was like this is so hard to quit and i and i knew that if i said this is my skateboarding theory is if i don't smoke weed i can skateboard better okay i would so i think skateboarding is like how to like if you can skateboard good it's like living your life like would you be a better parent would you be a better person because you're a better skateboarder when you're not high yeah so it's like yeah but i'm like yeah but also come on like you got to let me do something i gotta i gotta use something to run that's the fuck you of sobriety we're like i get nothing right right but then i realized like it's running and i don't want to run anymore i want the answers i want to get to the bottom i want to be happy for no reason i thought he meant he found running no i was like i really are we gonna get our knees that fucked up now see that's why i stopped this with the sex and the random people and then the gay thing all everything i realized was a running i'm running i smoke weed because i don't want to face anything if you stress me out i smoke weed if this is bad i got a drink same if it's good i got a drink or i got to take creative or i got to get a blowjob like dudes that's the other thing dudes will just blow you whenever you want them to just come out of here it's running and i'm like i'm just gonna sit with it and it was at first it was really hard like i really was like i'm probably gonna myself i can't live like this and then i was like okay you can't do that but i thought dude it was a couple of weeks where i don't know what i had i run into you i feel like i'm always running into you and i know i was still trying to do comedy and it was just like you're trying to be funny and you go home and put a gun on the table and ask yourself why don't you put it in your mouth and then i'm like let me go to the comedy store i say everything so gay you're like what i just put this fucking um um um like that yeah so then i just i'm gonna make sure i go to my butt i'm gonna trigger see none of this so well shoot my dick on my butt what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing what is this is so funny i'll definitely die that way he got my teams himself he brought to series himself okay i regret talking anymore i'm a gay so i say i don't run from anything and then when i got getting weeds a big deal it's really hard good for you and it's like maybe like the longer i go without it the more my brain turns on and i understand life better and i'm like you know what i will never go back ever like i feel like i'm a better person but i'll say if you do you can just go unback that's good to know but no i don't want to so yeah i've been working on it really hard and then people i've dated had really bad run-ins with dating people because now i'm really picky and if you have a little thing or a little ticker or a little this or you might be a little witchy which is usually the case i can't be into it anymore and if you're not sober i can't be into it anymore and no no no offense i mean i'm happy for you either you like to have a glass of wine or you like to smoke and join that school but i can't i don't want to i just want to meet somebody sober who's on the same path and i did accidentally and it was out of nowhere and i really really really love her and she loves me and i don't give a fuck if it's super quick and out of control i'm not moving in with her anything like here's my fucking credit card oh my god he's definitely like one day away from that by the way did you see how i was like i'm not doing that he's like sitting on his hands like i'm not doing it i mean clearly by the way if i was like you know what i want to do it next week the woman will be living here she'll be there's gonna be like i know where i'm tampons like box of tampons my god there's gonna be like lady secrets i swear to god i fucking love you i hate you i just feel like i know you but i might not but i might not but i like it i like you i'm glad to be happy i like how you are i've never been happy about that good congratulations and that's great and i would say that i quit it weed is another one cradoms like that too but we people are like they just are totally fine with it and they're you know they just are so used to smoking all the time i look at it like this i don't want to lose my memory i don't want to lose my mind i don't want to do anything that's gonna contribute to not being as like quick as i possibly can be fixed in my life yeah and i feel like like since i've done that then like my diet like usually when i would go on a diet i'd be like i could hold it for a month maybe three months if it's a fight or something but now i live away where i don't eat anything that isn't clean and it's not hard it used to be like you know you're me hell you've been eating clean for j's two and a half months and i'm like i feel like a fucking nutcase yeah now i don't care in your carnivore i it's animal based on what i mean it's it's uh grass fed beef but i have like sweet potatoes i can have avocado i can have eggs i can have raw cheese and raw dairy so i can have milk it's raw milk it's raw milk it's like milk and then raw cheese tastes like cheese so it's not really and i have dates and what does breast milk taste like?
it's like metal that tastes like metal cereal i've got to explore it what's craziest women's breast milk tastes like metal and so does their period blood so you guys are like squirting metal 24 seven that's right and you may be intelligent so it makes sense right but you thought breast milk tastes like cereal milk i taste it when you come okay okay because it seemed like you were saying that based on the comments maybe she has better tasting i was like whitney i had like the minute she had pregnant i was like i have a vision i'm drinking her breast milk on a podcast and she's like i mean i guess i couldn't lose she wasn't because when he's a stunt girl like we watched on people like i'll do anything for entertainment to entertain people i don't give a fuck respect i mean maybe not anything but anything i was gonna say we can ride bikes in the backyard right now i know but i'm scared i am scared but i have fear but i get through but you know you're the black and i shut the flame throw and you like went under it that'd be pretty cool i went under the flame throw maybe oh that doesn't sound like a no yet i have to look at it i've just assessed it's a gimme a fire i know but i want i'm just i just assess injury like risk injury i mean can you ride a motorcycle so i mean not very not yeah let's not do it yeah yeah you know i need to do it i need to direct yes yeah no it's i once was riding my friends when we were in high school i was riding my friends motorcycle and back and i kept leaning in the wrong direction for the whole time i didn't i just got the wrong memo from him like i just heard the opposite thing he said yeah he was like what the fuck and then i he was like what is going on and then i was like oh i'm supposed to be leaning like against him he was like oh i'm supposed to be leaning like against him he was like any like that and i know that i was like you guys could have killed but i could have done so many times i could have done so i could have done so i was like what's your three brushes with death uh definitely the scooter um i was in a car accident when i was 12 with a drunk driver i don't like that yeah they smoosh me um i think it suits you come i actually had with the first top surgery um they yeah and it was head on and that was could have been really bad yeah and then um what was my other near death you got a tram i almost saw when i was like in camp i have the memory of it but nobody noticed i was just slowly like myself drowning and i was able to get to the edge of the pool but it was very yeah i got that in the wave pool at action park uh so and you're sure you're gonna die absolutely nobody in here you and if the worst of the kid would know i can hear you because i was like i was not only was i small for a kid i was just like little compared to i don't know if you remember action park it was still around when you're younger than i am i'm sure but it was like a bunch of disinterested 13 14 year old guitos who probably could have watched me die and i don't think like they were so disinterested in safe people they just like wouldn't even compute with them lifeguards are children at action park they all wear yeah every pool like guards are 16 years old it's they're like dealing with their hormones and shit like that all they're trying to do is fuck each other i know it's like boring little job to have absolutely positively but it's crazy that kids are in charge and get their babysitters and it's just it's really strange i was a 13 year old baby so maybe i used to possibly though get some out of it because i'm like i'm a kid i don't know i just must leave that's what i did i'm sorry the baby's boring we're gonna stay awake but they just go on google gaga yeah like you think it's interesting because you made it you're hardwired to feel that way it's like cutie i don't know it's kind of altering between boring and super fucking i don't wear the same age whole to you i will be 47 oh no i mean any this guy wants to talk to you about something hey what's going on everybody hey uh erin shot or this is uh any letterman you go ahead and i'll scare you your question oh oh any letterman i got i got a roast i got a bill this is a fake accent by the way no it's erin shot okay welcome back to the program how's the best way to do a roast um you got a blow at jeff ross no i don't know um how do a roast just be a fucking mean be mean about things they're not expecting you to be mean about who get them get them down you want them to be down you want to get them at an angle that they weren't expecting and then you just keep dominating them just go go go have all the jokes memorized if you do have them on a sometimes i've i've done where i've had them on no cards but i don't really look them you just like throw them at them when you're done yeah you want to dominate them and you have to laugh on the make you have to try to be very like light when they make fun of you right because you don't want to even though i i really i will get pissed and i'll go fucking hard hard does that help what else i love it i love it i love it i love it's great okay sorry about your family i'm sorry and your yourself i think he's dead too yeah he died that's great i'm doing a roast my first roasting it's against the roast champion which one oh i love angie oh i know she was the champion she's got the belt she keeps trying to challenge me at the riff ref to uh because i'm the arm wrestling champion and she keeps challenging me to arm wrestling over and over again i'm gonna fuck you up this i don't i don't i don't care i don't care i thought she's so cool i thought that she's just like wearing like a dude's leather jacket all the time she's like i will fuck you up yeah she's pretty cool so i've got a roster and she has the belt so i think it's only fair you have to find weird you have to find like angles that you're not that aren't obvious yeah because i've seen some of her ros and everyone because she's half gay and she's half black and everyone just like she's having a look at her i know she's like some sort of two-face of sorts but i've got to figure out i've only got ones about that so i'm trying to think of a different look up like um she's educated i've got one joke about her being overly educated okay so i've got one for her on that one and then i would overwrite have too many jokes even though you only get five yeah i have too many because you never know if it's gonna go into sudden death oh shit you don't want to be caught without one memorize them um as much as you can just go over them why do i feel like sudden death is something i don't have to worry about what it comes i just want i just want to hold my own i want to be like okay fucking yeah you're the champ congratulations that's my first roast ever but you didn't fucking play on you want to anticipate what she's gonna say about you i also know when i have one because she already started fucking up as she sits on the back going back where i came from uh at riffraff and i was like oh i know that's coming yeah she's gonna get you know what she's gonna get you on gay stuff yeah gay stuff is shane stuff Australian stuff maybe ginger or ginger you're doing it right now i don't know i've got a little ginger moment in their beard yeah which why is every guy i have a little my dad i've got that too like a ginger part of his mustache don't know but then when you go bald it's like but that's all i see how am i supposed to think you're not you're like mad at me you're showing your pubes yeah are you so you suck your dick i've seen that oh yeah keep some of the mystery of life chaser thank you're just gonna pull bush out as those are those you know but i'm not a red head i made a red head which was surprising yeah yeah i got both i got both i got a 19 year old daughter and a 15 year old son oh it's so cute yeah and she did i like each other are they full each other yep yep i was so nice i got like you that's really i thought you were like one of those lawn like surprise i'm like do they know each other oh my god they see each other they put on vacations together oh my gosh you put them like on a cruise together one fucking asshole totally but totally valid but yeah not just just one person i had kids with yeah yeah and i was like you know i don't want to say but yeah that was like that was it and i'm done i got my things snips so i can just come in anybody where your kids is that 100 percent the snip so far so good yeah it's actually not because i got the same thing and they told me that it in very very rare cases it like life finds a way it actually will fix itself wow it will repair it wow that kid deserves that kid deserves that's a conversation my wife and i had we're just like we so desperately do not want we basically regret the ones we already have but i've been here a lot of us lately if that kid happens i love my kids you got to let the golden boy happen great great middle good wait for a punch i don't know i i like to hear i like to hear both sides because i'm undecided on kids i have frozen embryos so an Alabama actually has more kids because you can have one when you want to have one yeah not oh i'm a dad okay like kind of step up because i wasn't ready how old were you don't know 19 years ago i'm 52 we're all like we're all like the race is on yeah that's a great year yeah yeah because 33 in your head you're like oh that's old enough but then if i think of myself at 33 i'm like no especially my younger ones so i was a baby yeah but it also it saved me because i was like i had an able on in my seat and then all of a sudden i was like oh dude you gotta lose the eight ball like you can't have any of that stuff and that's seven years earlier than you would have if you didn't have kids like boys and you're like i can't do this anymore if you don't have kids or go there's no way i would have let go of that stuff i was in such a good time yeah and i was like okay i'm married no okay so you're a little way trash yeah oh yeah i mean it was more like uh it was just my friend played video games together and she was like i'm pregnant i was like okay i'll be your dad i stepped up and i don't regret it at all i mean we you know me did i make her life a little bit of hell show you you know her face was even stevish she was not me too are you working on yourself or are you accepting of who you are what's the plan are you like i want to become better or i'm okay with who i am i'm surrendering i love me yeah yeah are you yourself improving stuff for me oh i'm on a 12 step and i'm on it all the time i'm constantly evolving i've got a long way to go but where i am right now i don't hurt people and that was my biggest thing that was the last thing left you know don't hurt people you care about but that was because of my because of my addictions my addicted personality i would run running was so i needed it so bad that if i had to cheat i don't i don't want to but i can't say no to drinking i can't say no to drugs i can't say no to a right and you probably wanted to like test people and see who would still love you after whatever wow i wonder if that was a little bit of i just knowing a little bit of your history like that's probably love is confusing for you i didn't want to yeah yeah because i if you don't if you don't really love yourself it's pretty hard to believe so the person that's supposed to love you the most and everything did such horrible things too so that's obviously gonna make things like confusing yeah and make you not want to be like vulnerable and really like give yourself to someone give it this amount of time where it's your responsibility oh it's oh yeah when you're growing up and you work through it i'm 50 and you're gonna cheat on somebody you're a piece of shit Jason that's the end of that yeah well but my dad not i don't want to hear it i know she's such a compulsive sort of like uh it's weak it's just yeah and i mean i've never been a cheater so i don't know but i can't imagine it feels good my my fiance's friend uh cheated on his wife and he said that cheating on his wife felt like driving around with drugs and a strunk all the time just like at any moment you can get pulled over and yeah the anxiety that i would carry where i'd be like oh wait i'm not pleased i'd get like i would carry that all the time because sooner or later you're gonna get caught especially when you're a terrible liar like i didn't have like i never had like a yeah no you're you are like honest i never was proud of it i hated myself for it so anytime it ever happened it wasn't planned it was just a thing where i was like why don't we just and i'd be like i don't think we should and then i'd would and i'd be like oh my god you idiot now you've got that and you have to hide that you're a piece of shit and then eventually it would come out or would they find out did you ever tell anyone um well i mean the last time i didn't actually do the job but i i followed somebody on social media that i had you were you were just starting to get in place because i was in a open relationship in this one person that i was seeing she was like i don't want you to see that person anymore and i was like okay and then i unblocked them on social media and she saw that i liked a photo and she's like that's it we're done because i was like the beginning because i'd already cheated on her like five other times over the last time i was the beginning of the it was it was for the best yeah it was a good thing she's i think pretty i'm pretty sure she's really happy now and i am and and if it wasn't for her leaving because that was the thing i was like okay you're because i don't have no family i am alone i am by myself this is the end for me get like what are you gonna you're gonna kill yourself or you're gonna like change your ways what is the thing that you hate about yourself the most that you're a lying cheater can you not do that because if you can't do that just get out of here leave everybody alone everyone's had a good run with you like just call it a day just put the gun on your button over the mat the same time down in the mat i think doc one too yeah triple threat yeah so i was like first of all can you do that are you capable of doing that and then from sobriety and i understand in the answers and the reasons why i act on these things then i was like oh oh okay and i don't need to do that oh i don't even want to do it yeah like i got a text message today from somebody that i was talking to two years ago that i never met it was just like we're gonna meet and i sit and i saw because i didn't know who it was and i look back and it's like i've said to them by the way i have only fans and i'm polyamorous and i was like okay this is a while ago because i don't have any of that and then they text me a year and a half later and go hey i've got a guy i'm gonna uh do with a strap on and he wants to suck you off we should meet up next week let's have coffee this week to talk about it and i was like nope i met somebody and i'm not interested in that but if i hadn't met anybody the answer would still be i'm not interested in it i don't know what i wanted to do i'd plan it out we only thought that was the funniest part about it too i don't know what to do i don't know what to do i don't know what to do i don't know what to do i don't know what to do i don't know what to do i don't know what to do i get a guy grabbing it on cocktail i don't know what to do i mean to go to coffee i'm like no i leave me a voice memo what do you what the hell do you think we need to go to a place and sit across me during coffee ever i'm like what would i ever need to do but i'm just saying old me group sex hell yeah like i'll drop i'll drop whatever i'm doing to do that and now i'm not interested at all and i'm not saying it because i'm on a podcast i'm like i'm not interested i don't want to do it i'm not offering it that's why i don't want to do gay stuff anymore either i'm not offering it Jason you sure i don't want to do it i'm like all right Jason fine no i think i'm always an orgy i like saying because it's like it surprises myself yeah that's cool wasn't it exciting i think the reason i've never been suicidal no offense but i think i'm too curious i'm always like curious of what is coming next even with anxiety i'm not serious like i don't want to like miss out on whatever well sure and eventually you'll be dead and you'll stay dead forever so i may as well write it as you come back as it's thanks oh how cute is your cat he's the best he's the best person i've ever met my love do you guys want to play a game i put together a little second so we do something we call the etzy game like have you spent you have been dazzled wall walk up i feel like you've been to etzy a couple times i mean i wish it was etzy it would have been a lot less money yeah i went to the girl made j-lose now i see i see my first check i was like how do i spend this immediately sure wow how do i make this difficult for myself i just like having a heart attack my business i'd be like at his like daughter's recital and i'll just get a ding like what the fuck is this girl doing he's attached to every purchase i make it so embarrassing having someone to watch you buy things so i should have done that but no you learn and then oh yeah a lot of things sooner or later yeah so we've been doing what we call the etzy game for a long time where we just bring up random stuff from etzy and we guess how much the person is charging for it okay now the reason why we're doing this now is because etzy recently announced that they are going to just about do away with adult listings okay i know i figured they sure do that's all we used yeah our dear friend marion tipped us off to these so i figured while the getting was good we'd go in and get one more batch oh good i love adult themed etzy items oh adult themed items okay so like knitted yeah stuff like that could be crocheted could be a little bit everything so item number one is it tasteful tobacco pipe yeah tasteful and it's really cool balls are labina yeah it's one or two okay that is no that's balls i have the whole just like a really like chubby no that i mean there's chubby labias and then there's balls and those are balls that is insane those are supposed to be labias so how much would this be i know it's like this person couldn't even like their fingers couldn't even make it smaller well it's because that's where your mouth goes i mean you need to be big enough yeah it's not used is it that cost extra i mean that is 999 i'm gonna say yeah is that was it handcuffed is there a sexier way to be a pipe smoker in 2024 than this bad boy right here i think it's 20 bucks i love the panties i'm i'm gonna say i love it i mean i don't those are available in a variety of colors i can be yours for 14 dollars so we know what i was 15 by optic because i thought the cost of the amount of labor yeah it's a shame nobody in this room smokes we need more because i would have come in super handy that would be a point for Jason yeah go over next up i know my swollen labias you sure do i've always said that on your i'll say a lot of bad things about you lego dicks oh that is so great yeah like just a guy that is so great just to go over to your friends has kids and put dicks on all the leg i go that is so great that is so great oh that's great but is it the whole thing or just the penis part good uh as a as a parent that many i don't think you get the many fake you can get your hands on many figures pretty cheap yeah the hard part is gonna be finding a set that comes with a hole in the dick so it's just a dick it's just a dick i know because maybe you get with one punch you can't get one box would be so cute the tiniest little box is it coming like five or something or like i think they sell them by the dick one i mean it's gonna be like i'm sorry yeah i was gonna say a set of three lego dicks still i need more dick or you can get six as well but that'll cost more all right i'm gonna say three dicks three snap on dicks where's the hole for that no no no but i know exactly i know too much about legos what you do is you take the bottom half in the top half and it has a flat thing that goes through that you see how it looks like he's wearing like a belt yeah i love it yeah i'm like weirdly i'm getting to that age with my son when i'm sitting in like borderline risque jumps in he's gonna be 13 yeah i'm like almost at the point i want to give him a nerd you don't know no no but i'm like we're jumping straight from kid jokes to like fairly risque yeah seriously tempted to buy him some lego dicks my niece is like dying to be able to see my comedy she's a 12 now it's like you got a while but she's like can't wait she's just like a little bit longer but the thing is they find it like we were listening to slick rick when we were 12 yeah but she's very my nieces is pretty innocent and any smells about us i was smoking by rage so no so was i 99 cents for three yeah lego dicks i would say uh 699 1199 what i mean they've got a plastic shot up in a 69 joke i think 699 agreed i've never said this but i don't want those dicks i still do i do we have this decorative rearview mirror this is like a price i thought it was actual size i was like how do you hang it on your christmas tree you put it on your rearview mirror that's for all this would be a good thing for you the present to give you yeah yeah that is that's pretty cool if you don't have kids i know don't make your kids go through this yeah no don't make your kids suffer your nonsense that's it see i actually think that's the kind of thing you can do around kids because you can get that and you can put a stop at home and your kids have no idea what that oh yeah my kids would never guess what that was it's just gotta be so embarrassing and like you just think about like the next generation is probably gonna be really perude because this one's pretty sexual okay it's half it's half trad wife and half only fans you know what you think the trad wife movement so the what what what the thing is even the women who are selling the traditional wife that let's all go back in the kitchen and make babies and pies thing even they know they're full of shit like having them more like we're only fans a week ago and they so i just wonder what the next gen because it does usually swing the pendulum usually swing so they're gonna be well i guess the younger generation is like really um like kids aren't really like banging right how about just like healthy non-fucked up relationships that might happen because there's all these therapy runs on tiktok like they might learn boundaries and should not you don't think so you don't think so it's gonna be kids hey everyone's fucked but like they're gonna be so embarrassed when everyone's parents are like like your kids are pretty old to know about your sex campaigns yeah are they embarrassed by it yeah yeah they're very sorry for a book so like but sorry daddy's got a dad he's well yeah they know i'm sorry i'm i'm as daddy demanding a daddy to do to do to do sorry look i didn't go to the three way strap-on diagram and coffee date okay what you want from me yeah i know good back so insane i love it that's great it is it's like i'm having coffee with people is nice it's fun it's pleasant what is wrong with that world are we in time to have a coffee with someone wait okay i thought it was saying that coffee day was a bad thing this the thing because of the bit before it you're saying dead serious you're saying just a coffee day whether someone be like i want you to fuck me in my neighbor which i don't i'm not interested in that either i would find that less appalling than someone being like let's go to coffee to discuss something wait what i mean so many people i'm not telling you and just maybe because of the nature of like where i'm at my career but people will hit me up and they'll be like hey i'd love to get coffee and discuss your like what direction what do you need to know for me that you can't ask me in a voice memo okay why would i need to and this might be because i live in venice and it's like is this a date you're talking about i'm engaged there's no dates it's like she's talking about like like workish kinds of things but it's like it's someone like where you're like i'm like if you have something you want to offer me and you think there's some sort of like thing we're gonna do together yeah memo voice memo see i find these act opposite is true when i collaborate with younger people all they want to do is i'll work on it and i'll send it back to you and you go no no no no see what i mean anyway because they don't want to have a fucking in-person conversation should we get settled in 15 minutes over a delightful cup of coffee but they don't want to have in person no they constantly want to i'll work on it and i'll email it back to you and so you end up with all these communications and ways to time we could just have a delicious cup of coffee before climate change west coffee time would do that a zoom i never want to say is that okay is that okay a first date coffee uh yeah because my angle on that is i don't like dinner because yeah no first date because you're a girl digger okay because it's if you go if you go if you go dating apps anymore but if you aren't dating apps and you say you enjoy fine dining i go nope you don't you don't you don't like paying for girls i don't mind paying at all but if only if you're interested in dating me not interested in a free meal right and that's how there are a lot of girls that's out there how about she's into grass fed beef and raw milk well then come over i'll make you dinner that's so scary if i come over i'll make you dinner that would be one time okay i i i make dinner for the guy when i lived in Santa there was this waiter and he was like fine looking i don't know he wasn't like ugly or how he was fine okay so he was like hitting on me i was like you know i was drinking line i was like you know he's like we should go on a date and i was like okay so then all of a sudden he's like oh wait why don't we just i'll just cook for you come to my place no and i felt for this one time okay well he found it but it got really bad because i was just so because i never like dated like i don't know i just come on your house first date is no no it was really bad but it gets worse okay so he lives up in the mountains and it's like dangerous like driving up there i'm like fuck it's like hard to get up here so then it's going it's getting it's getting darker and darker and i'm like i can't he's like you can't literally can't drive away from here i'll fucking drive up and out yeah and so he's like you have to like stay over so he's like what can be like just like spaghetti like it wasn't even like a nice meal so i was like oh my god so i'm like trapped at this guy's house and i'm like i go to sleep this is i'm like 22 no okay no i was like so annoyed by him i think i like made out a little i was like better than like drunk like made out a little bit i was just like oh so he came out of the shower in the morning naked and i'm just like it's too annoying like i didn't there wasn't enough not that he was like raping me or anything but it was just like there's just too many like things where i don't have i didn't have enough options in any of these situations you know like i guess i could have if i had stronger boundaries i could have been like i'm sleeping downstairs like fuck you i see this like weird plot or whatever but i was too like or driven home and i was always it was it was bad i'm a bad driver yeah it sounds like it i'm a bad driver okay like it was just like really and he psyched me out he was like i don't know like and i was sorry so then um so then i don't want to fuck him or anything and so he just starts he comes back he starts like dry humping me oh and he just comes on my side he goes oh he goes do you want to smoothie he goes do you want to smoothie i know he came on you right before he goes do you want to smoothie and then he came on my side i go yeah i came on my stomach and then he made me this was really quick the smoothie and then like how does it what's the change he was like he was humping okay he asked me do you want to smoothie while he was humping he was like he's like do you want to smoothie oh i thought he was a jump he actually made a smoothie it was both i think it was double entendre in the fresh style so then okay so then he so he comes on my stomach i'm like so gross now i'm like i just fuck this guy not like yeah not like it just was like i feel chaker just here i was just like i can't believe i like it just i felt there were so many things i felt for i just i'm always like i was seeing like the you know i was brought up quaker i'm always like there's a good in everyone i'm like no he probably didn't do some purpose like i'm so i didn't have my dad's like a little bit he's not but like he just doesn't think like a guy that way so he didn't teach me he's like a little gossipy not necessarily like you know how men are too like you're gay like a fucking testosterone gay like fuck your heart i also understand what it's like to be a woman you do but so now you do know i get the pics when i don't ask for them and you're like this is weird right you're like people say something nice and i go thank you and then they think that that's enough for a dick and i'm like yeah i said thank you i didn't say can i see your dick i know it's very weird but it's cool that you know you know it all but so my dad never like raised me to like like assume the worst right so i always assume the best which is the worst thing to do you know especially right here i just want you're drinking too you know so anyway so i have this movie i leave i go down back down the mountain or whatever and then i start my this is my payback i would go to his work while he was working and i would just tell the story to his customers i would just tell the story because that's always my payback because i'm just going to humiliate you with my dad's like you did a lot of video i would go to his restaurant i go i would sit next to his in his section and then so one time he comes over and everyone's laughing right and he comes over and he goes he goes are you telling the bellies story again i go you get to name the story yeah the bellies story that's how he tried to call it how funny is that but that was good for my the ultimate payment that's great yeah well done whatever but still i respect it i know it went to its work more than what's popular like outside bar so it wasn't like okay so it's like it's like i wasn't going to sacrifice the quilar again and learn how many women you may have saved from the same fate right i mean i don't know anyone would be as dumb as me so maybe so it was pretty stupid well you're honestly you know it's so funny the fuck you of being a girl in your early 20s is you don't know that guys usually don't want to hang out with you like it's like you inter-head you're like they like my personality they want to hang out maybe something will happen but it doesn't even occur to you that the maybe something that happened is the full reason they want to it's so surprising and i think when mary guys hit on you this surprise part if you're innocent like because i was like pretty even though i was like out there and drunk and stuff i was so pretty innocent i always would be so surprised because you look at them as like a there's like a force field around yeah like oh you're not like you're married so you're not this is just like a platonic thing so when a mary guy like leans in for his door is like oh my god like duh you're a guy like it just and you're like oh i'm an idiot i'm so glad that's he's taking this yeah right what do i think they're taking it away like that's the worst game of price i've ever played let's just say you're like entertaining maybe just like met somebody you invited him up to your house in mountain because they don't have any bars if you stay there for the night i'm not a drive you're trying to drive i'm like my my fiance is Asian and i'm like i've got the driving down don't worry i fit in wow you're like bad if you're just trying to throw subtle hands out of the scooter board the sort of evening you have in mind maybe it's time to buy a vagina charcuterie board i love charcuterie boards but i don't want vagina in it wait how is it of a jana think about it bro oh wait i know people chewing wait it's carved it's carved like oh god shut up the corny shones are the clits i hate everybody everybody is like is he just making me like so homophobe against lez against lesbians this is so hard to say all lesbians this is like such arts and crafts lesbians are pissing me off right now i'm not as a fan of mine when people hate those beans when it goes you like that i don't know but my friend i talked to a friend of mine i talked to a friend of mine who said it's fair i haven't spoken to her in such a long time and sit in that time because she has become lesbian oh she's rich i didn't know that like i asked her i go like are you and she doesn't have a divorce i thought maybe like i think lesbian is like i have the like i sound like there's like a pussie juice in my throat i didn't think of it like that it's right now she was like well you don't she's like you don't like lesbians right i was like what no i like lesbians and she's i'm like what was i saying ten years ago the last time i saw this girl like what was i like what jokes was i not landing by the way um but she was and she was like but you don't like when like a girl like a lesbian is a crush and i'm like no i like that that's awesome that's what crushes on me but i was like what did i say back in the day that made this girl fearful yeah i wouldn't like her if she was a lesbian that's crazy i mean you do sound like you don't like lesbians i don't like this is the arts crafts stuff is pissing me off okay just and i'm tacky but this is too much it is it is my charcuterie board hate me i don't know what it is about lesbian's being overly haunted i defend it it's just not it's just not it's like you got meat on there you know you bring like vaginas into this you know like you can lick it but let's just have charcuterie first or after but i don't i don't i don't want to be all biting down under things i don't want to glass of wine and then when i get halfway to glass of wine there's a dick sculpture in the bottom that's starting to stick out i get it dude like you want to blow me like it just sexts as i kind of on people's mind all the time so when people do this it's like overkill yeah like people are already kind of there's like undertone of yeah you know what i was thinking about you know how um i don't know if you know this because you're not a female comedian but you know if you if you put anything slightly like slightly sexual like anything like if i said something about like babies being born people go like oh here's women another woman another female comedian talking about sex and i was thinking about it and everyone is talking about sex unless they're uh unless they are a like clean comic like almost everyone is talking about sex like it's and the reason i was thinking why is because back in the day we used to have so many common things right we're all watching the same tv they're only starting out of channels they were like so many things there was no algorithm and stuff so because the algorithm is giving us all a different like basic day yes one of the only things we all have in common is that is sex so it's like one of the only things that you can 100 connect to someone that food that food yeah i mean but it's like you can't even like you have a skateboard audience so you could say skateboard jokes to them you can't just go to a uh an Etsy convention and do skateboard jokes those those aren't gonna understand it i do i can only do one skateboard joke and it has to involve Tony Hawk because everyone knows Tony Hawk but if i start talking about something in skateboarding no right like in the 90s you could just do like you could do like jenny garafolo it's like hey scooby do what was the deal with the talking dog what were those scooby snacks yes everybody fucking watch scooby do when they're going right you could do like flintstones yeah yeah but there's just nothing there's just not many common things anymore 25 dollars for the shakurat report 39.99 87 dollars oh my god get on it hit somebody over the head with it this is probably you know the line that takes to make sure could report me to stop and masturbate every 15 minutes because i'll fucking get to do the shakurat. I'm gonna get to lesbian who's jerking she's just like chilling on the floor she's so hot it is huh wait wait wait wait the shakurat is there but after her own vagina like does she have her like a mirror after i'm doing after my own vagina just queefing and it's getting off armed up ew ew look he's like blushing queen ew you just became so little he's such a baby ew you think it's nasty ew queefing we've got to go michael okay we can go we've gone too long we'll never know how much it costs to buy the unidentified fucking object wait i destroyed you any letterman you destroyed me i'm so happy to have lost this game i couldn't have been happier losing him i was just like failing an STD test exactly if anybody wants to see any letterman tell jokes she she flies around the country constantly telling them go to anyletterman.com shows yeah the comedy store went to an android and friends which is always really fun thanks for having me and i had you on and i embarrassed i'm so sorry that was such a mom moment do you remember no it's about i was still high back i'm gonna talk about it it's actually it's actually it's actually wasn't embarrassing so i'm gonna tell you off camera about it i did you were like i think i'm gonna hook up with this girl that's at the show and then i was so embarrassed it was such a mom moment it was like so bad i'm so sorry i'm so fucking embarrassing i did wait a minute wait a minute oh yeah you just triggered okay that girl i really liked oh i ruined everything and she no no i ruined it she like she we hooked up because i was on your podcast you hooked that up and then i unhooked it up a little bit but it was so bad i was like are you the one that like it was so like you had just gets in tell told like a minute before and i just blurted it out oh so bad and i knew the second one oh yeah i was so sorry i thought i was just had to learn it a little more because it went a little longer and it ended up being a little it was good for me all these things were good for me so worked out i don't even remember which one it was i'm happy now but they both work you thank you for finally being on the show while i'm sober i'll remember there's some other i love it's so fun thank you for having me i'll see you out there in the world in the world you guys oh anyway to my podcast anyway every thursday don't die