Romance Awareness Month

Welcome to the Tweet Trends podcast. Hey, Evette, what's trending today? Hey, I'm Evette, hey girl. And you are tuned in to Tweet Trends.

It's the quickest way to find out what's trending today. It's Romance Awareness Month. And for this episode, I have a great interview, and I pulled out all the stops. This is by far the longest episode I have ever done, but I could not imagine putting this out there without doing the entire thing, because I think it's just a really great conversation that we had.

So I'm gonna stop talking, let's get to the interview. This past Tuesday was National Couples Day, and then this month is Romance Awareness Month, but I made an executive decision to extend National Couples Day for the entire month. So this is gonna be National Couples Month, along with Romance Awareness Month. So for that, I brought in an awesome couple.

It's Mark, Indiana, John. Hi guys. Hey, Evette. And also, I'm bringing my husband in on this conversation too.

He looks excited. He looks as excited as my husband. Well, so first, let me start off by saying, happy anniversary. Thank you.

Thank you. Happy anniversary. I think that's one of the biggest parts of the whole idea of having you guys on, because you're actually in the process of celebrating your anniversary. And to talk about romance and being a couple, that's just all just works so well together.

Give us a little background on your situation as far as because, Mark, you're a geobatula, correct? I am. And that has got to be tough. I've only done deployments, and I think I've only done maybe one real one, and everything else has just been workups and whatnot, because my husband's in the Navy.

But geobatula, it just seems like, yikes. How does that work? How do you make that work? In a pandemic.

In a pandemic? That too. Right. Lots of communication.

Lots of Zoom calls, FaceTime. I call to put the kids at night every chance I get a chance to call her during the day, make sure she's all right. Yeah. I think we've had to get more creative with communication.

Prior to this, we never did video calls and things like that. So we haven't had to. So I think that it's also been, for us as a couple, we've had to be more intentional about having time in actually scheduling time that's just for us. Whereas before, it never needed to be scheduled, because it was just like, okay, we're both here, like you're home, I'm home, whatever.

But now it's like, okay, you have a time schedule to talk to the kids. We have time schedule to catch up. We have time schedule to connect. So I think it's been more planning and creativity.

And being creative with it. Yeah. So before he was away, did you call her during the day? Because my husband, he called me not long ago during the day, and I thought something was wrong.

So I have to say, he's always been good about, ever since we've been together, I feel like, he always is very good about a midday check-in, and sometimes because of the way that our work works, like sometimes it'll be a text. But he's always been very intentional about midday check-in and things like that. That's a good thing. I mean, other things, but this is something that he's always gonna have to get in front of that.

Right, well, so for us, it wasn't a thing. I didn't feel one way or the other, but it scared me when I got a call in the middle of the day, and I was like, are you okay? Well, he was like, what's wrong? Because I was checking in.

He wasn't there, and then I'm like chasing down. And my wife calls, I'm a little frantic. Like, who did he chop in the throat? That would usually be the call too, right?

I'm like, somebody's life is in danger. What do I do? Right, like, we need to be building things. Because somebody, I'm about to throw somebody off.

I'm not gonna. Uh-huh, yep. I'm not gonna. That's not too hard.

I try, I'm a changed man since we've had evolved. It was just good. It just goes a lot further now. It does, it does.

As I mentioned before, you guys are celebrating your anniversary, so it's 13 years for you guys, right? 13 years married, 18 years together, almost 18 years together, yeah. Very good. So with the whole romance appreciation month, what was romance like before, and has it changed, evolved, or what's your definition of romance now?

Now or? Yeah, let's start with now. Okay, can you let me go first? Yes, please.

Now, it's more along the lines of being able to spend time together and to reinforce the reasons why we are such a dynamic duo. Case of point, we haven't really been able to spend time away from home, time away from the kids. Sorry, anniversary, I was able to bring some time off her work, my, as the kids. So we decided to take a little staycation somewhere.

Yeah, I think definitely, I feel like romance now is more about us connecting with each other, being intentional about connecting with each other in a way that like does not involve us being like mom and dad, right? Because I think that we have three kids, so our kids range from ages four to 11. And our boys are only 19 months apart. So they're, up and I would say, I was just telling him yesterday, like I'm really excited for this part of our relationship because I feel like we are now at the point where we can actually start to get back to like focusing on us versus like just being in the rat race of like the kids, the car seat, hey, school, bull, karate, soccer, because the boys are older and our daughter, even though she's four, is like she's four going on 40.

So she's a very different type of child. So it gives us the leverage, you know, it's much easier to get people to take like a 11 year old and a nine year old four week than it is to get them to take like a two year old and a three year old, right? So it makes it easier for us to focus more on us, I think. We are so blessed and fortunate.

So that's a big part of the reason why he's a geobatula and why we didn't move with him is because we have a tremendous village. And I mean, when I say village, I mean like literally my mother, my brother, his wife, my aunt, who lives like very, very close to us, who have helped us raise these kids because I've always had a very full career. And he's always had, obviously the military. But for a lot of my career, I've traveled for work.

And one of the things that I loved and admired about my husband is that he's never made me have to feel like I had to choose. We've had like, like I have a very full career. And we are also very present with our kids. And that requires help.

So we get a lot of help from very close family members. I think. I mean, they're continually reaching out to come get the kids and it's like, they take them in the summer. So it helps.

Oh, awesome. I can imagine having that support system in place would allow the romance to be able to stay a lot longer than without. When you take advantage of it. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. When you actually allow people to help, right? Right.

One thing that we've done consistently, because our relationship in our marriage is obviously like head, like every marriage, like ebbs and flows, parts where you're focusing on things more than others. But one thing that I'm excited, where that I'm proud of us about is that we have always made it a point every of our anniversary to do something just with us. Yes. Since we've been married.

And I think that that's always helped too. Definitely. One year we took it to Disney. And even though we took the trip, we said, we're still going to do something.

We're trying to let life get in the way of us. Now, was it the same way in the beginning? It was much easier at the beginning, because it didn't take so much planning, right? Like in order for us to do this, there has to be so much that happens in regard to like the kids and coordinating and all that other stuff.

So I think it was much, much easier. And honestly, I think it took us a while to figure out how to make it work and how to prioritize us. We were in the thick of the thing with the kids. That's my opinion.

I feel like our daughter's she just turned four. So in a sense, you get to a point where, and she's probably going to hit me in arm for this, but you hit the reset where you have older children. It's like, oh, they're self-sufficient. And then now you have a newborn.

Right. And then toddler and it's like, oh, we started over again. We're back in diapers. We started over.

Oh gosh. And you still have the support of family and the older siblings are there to help. Hey, go get the bottle from the police. Can you do this?

Can you do that? And they're helpful. But I feel like when you hit the reset, you kind of let life take over all over again, which is fine. It's to be expected, but it does make things a little bit more difficult.

So Mark, being the male figure of this relationship here, your definition of romance, have you had to change what your definition of romance has been in order to meet what her expectation is? That's a great question. It's a great question. We talked about this last night.

We talked about this last night. Be honest. I feel like, yeah. But I think we have to.

It's not changed, but it's become more of an emphasis, not just on what she needs and what I need, but what we need. In planning certain things, it's more along the lines of, this will be great for me. Will it be as good an experience for her? Before kids would say, hey, next month, I'll go to Vegas.

And because it was so spontaneous, the thrill and the excitement would be considered romance. But we're just going to Vegas. I want to make that happen. Right.

Now it's more along the lines of, hey, we're going to take time for ourselves. I know she's going to want to rest. I know that I'm going to want to rest. And I want to have a nice ambiance for us.

Where can we go? That it'll feed both of us. And I feel like that's the change that I've made. It's gone from just being, hey, let's just do this, just to be able to say we're doing it together.

To let's do this where we'll enjoy the time and be able to build more upon the foundation that we have. Very good. Not my follow on to that. Was that inherent to you or was that where you made aware of that?

Well, you made it. I like that. Where you made aware. For us to be able to spend time together exclusively along like leaving the kids, I felt like that was just something that changed inherently.

But in regards to being home, being present with the kids and then still trying to make that effort of, hey, the kids are here. But hey, I'm going to order dinner. Once the kids go to bed, we're going to sit down. We're going to talk.

I mentioned last night, one of the fun things that I enjoy about our relationship is we sit down and we talk. And where we're having great conversations, not just about what's going on in her world with entrepreneurship, not just what's going on with the coast guard, but also about the kids and about our relationship and where we've come from, where we're going. And there's a lot of joy and fulfillment in that. Did you come to that on your own?

The latter time. Well, you encouraged the latter time. I always kind of like, hey, you're right. This is something that I can say about Marko.

Is that even if throughout our entire relationship, if I mention something, right? If I'm like, hey, you should consider or think about. Or that was great. That was a great trip.

But I would consider, right? He always, even though he doesn't always do it exactly, which I don't want him to do exactly what I said. But he always takes, I can always see a reflection of that in the next thing that we do. So I can tell that he has taken time to process it.

And then what I appreciate about it though is not just replicate what I said, but put it into his own words and his own personality and his own style, even though he doesn't always react to it that way initially. But always the reflection that happens. And I see it later. I see it gets done.

Exactly. I like that. That is so awesome. What's one recommendation you would have for couples to keep their romance alive?

I would say, I think that there are a few things. I think that the first thing is that, I want to be clear. Mark and I, we've been together for a long time. We've had different segments and things in our relationship.

We've had challenges. What's never wavered though has been our commitment to one another and our commitment to our family. And I think that a big part of that has to do with the fact that as we became involved with each other, we built a really strong friendship that has been that friendship and our faith have been two really important things that have grounded us and kind of anchored us. So I think at the end of the day, in a relationship, you have to have something besides the passion.

The passion is great and that accentuates everything and it makes things wonderful. But passion dies and your bodies change and your physical attributes change. And that passion that you had when you were 25, maybe different because you look different or you feel different or you have different challenges. So having something foundational that you can always go back to in your relationship that transcends the passion and actually makes it stronger, I think is important.

And then the last thing I'll say is really, really clear and difficult communication. And I say difficult communication because I think that you have to get to really hard communication before you can get to the other end of being like a strong couple. I think you have to be really, really comfortable with putting yourself out there and having hard conversations. What would you say?

You took my communications. No, I feel like the communication aspect is definitely important. You hit a couple of my bullet points. The friendship, like where we are good friends and not calling it.

But like if the university decided that we weren't going to be together together, like she's a good friend. We're still be friends. Yeah. For me.

And don't make excuses for things changing in their relationship. Things are going to change. We're supposed to pivot, especially within the marriage. It's not just, okay, this isn't working now.

We're breaking up. It's not boyfriend or like in our faith, in each other and in the faith of the most high, we're saying, we're going to be together. And that's what it's going to be. And you know, she decides she wants to leave.

I'm still coming. And I feel like if I say, yeah, you know, I'm going to leave, she's not going to let me go easily. Right. I think that goes back to the true piece, right?

Because like we've never said like, oh my god, there's absolutely no way under any circumstances will we ever like get the worst. Right? Like that's not, that's not it. You know, when it comes to, we have deal breakers that are like, and I mean, deal breakers like physical abuse.

I mean, deal breakers like, you know, emotional abuse. Yeah. Right? We have deal breakers.

Right? So it doesn't, it doesn't mean that like you have to stay in the marriage at all costs. That's not like a good marriage for you. But don't let like the sickle self.

Right. You know, don't use that as an excuse to be allowed. And it's almost as if people who, and I'm not judging, but it's like people who get divorces for the small things and they make that a foundation for something that's not really that large to say, okay, yeah, we're going to far away. Just work it out.

Talk to someone first. Take it to God and take it to someone who can mediate. And if that doesn't work on another avenue, but small, small reason shouldn't be the reason to leave a big purpose. Okay.

I'm going to put you on the slide. What about you? What mug would you have for couples and romance? You can't know what the other person wants until you know what you want.

So I think you have to know yourself. You have to know what your do's, your don't, your deal breakers, as you mentioned, you have to know what they are. And so when you know yourself, and as we've discussed in the earlier parts of this conversation, you know, people change. We change.

So the 20-year-old version of me is nothing like the 45-year-old version and 50-year-old version of me. So that changes. And so with that change, I have to know that that changes within me. And then I have to make an assumption that there is going to be some element of change in my partner.

What does that change? And how do I get that information out without just saying, here's a piece of paper, write this list of how you change. So, you know, the types of questions, the types of communication. And that's been a challenge.

It's because you're in this relationship and you're paying the bills and you're keeping the lights on and you're feeding the kids and you're thinking everything is good. And then you kind of look at us like, man, when's the last time I really talked to her? Last time that I've just listened? Because we'll have exchanges where she'll have something to say.

I'm like, okay, am I fixing it or am I just listening? And so I'll... I must be in a military handbook. It must be.

Almost exact words. It's not in a military handbook. It is a man handbook. It's a man handbook.

Right. We want to fix, right? So, ooh, girl. Yeah, a moment.

Did you see that? Yeah, a moment. Yes, see? We're keeping it real.

There's nothing. You know the ground? There's nothing I wouldn't do for this girl. So because there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her, you just wonder, are you doing enough?

All right. So you try to do more in the hopes that you are. Now. I love you, man.

You supposed to be more crying. I mean. That's the beauty of marriage, though. But that kind of, you know, it's like, I don't think you know, right?

So it's like you try to show, but you show it only in a way that you know how. But is it being received the same way? So, you know, it's a tent in perception. My intent is to go do all this stuff and stay busy because that'll create a certain environment for you.

But the perception is, well, he's too busy for me. It's like, no, no, that's not it. I'm doing that for you. So it's a tent in perception and it goes back to what we said about communication.

And every now and then, just kind of having a reset to wonder if the message is getting across. That's beautiful. And that actually makes a lot of sense. I think it goes to the communication part, right?

Like communicating your intentions. Right. Right. Exactly.

Well, you say, you know, you say you've got to say you found it. I was going to make the man, you know, emotional. I was actually, but okay. All right.

I got you guys. I got you all. That can be the key thing to do with me as far as the whole romance thing goes, I would, the thing that I would say to someone else is to not forget the little things. He bought me the candy that I really like.

They're called cow tails and he, I don't know. He's got a stash of them somewhere and a house show up. Yeah. Cause if, if I seen me having a bad day or whatever or something, then he'll just kind of sneak up with a cow tell you.

Oh my gosh. That's so sweet. But anybody else is like what in the world? He got you candy.

No, but that's right. It's about a 30 cent piece of candy. It's the small thing. It's the small thing.

It's the small thing. So just to kind of keep those things in mind as you go on your day to day. And I think that the romance just kind of follows along with it. Because like you said, the whole passion situation, it can easily die out.

And then what? Yeah. Yeah, find a ways. Thank you guys for taking time out of your schedule.

I want you guys to give back to your whole anniversary celebration and whatnot. But I really appreciate you taking the time to chat with us in honor of Romance Appreciation Month and my own personal extension of National Couples Day. There you go. There you go.

We appreciate it so much. This was actually a fun thing to do during our anniversary. Yay! That was awesome.

That was today's episode. I hope you really enjoyed it. Here's what I need you to do. Telephone and telefering to tune in to the Tweet Trends podcast.

And while they're at it, go ahead over to Instagram or Twitter and follow me at hethat. That's at heyetette. Or just look for the hashtag tweet trends. Have a great weekend.

I'll see you back here again on Tuesday.