S3 Ep 9 When They Say No to Everything The Secret to Getting Past Dementia Resistance

Welcome back to the Caregiver Secrets Podcast! My heart’s desire is to share practical advice, heartfelt stories, and encourage my fellow caregivers. Thank you for listening today. Feeling alone and unseen are not uncommon sentiments expressed by caregivers. I want you to know that you’re not alone on this journey and that I see you. I understand the challenges and together, we’ll share the joys and challenges of caregiving with compassion and support. My friends, this is not medical, financial, or health advice. Please consult with the appropriate professionals for specific concerns. My role is to inform and support you as best I can, but the actions you take are totally up to you. With that said, let’s get into this. I trust that this story will resonate with you today. Andre never expected to be a caregiver. He was a driven man, a problem-solver by nature, someone who prided himself on efficiency. In his world, things had solutions. Until his mother’s dementia progressed, and suddenly, his logical approach to life wasn’t working anymore. It started small. His mother, Evelyn, would refuse to take her medication, insisting she had already done so, even though the pills sat untouched on the table. Then came the refusals to eat certain meals she used to love, and the resistance to getting dressed in the morning. And the worst of it? She started rejecting his help altogether, snapping, "I don’t need you treating me like a child!" The words stung, not because they were harsh, but because she truly believed them. She saw him as an enemy, not the son who had stepped in to care for her. Andre, always the fixer, tried reasoning with her. He explained, he demonstrated, he even resorted to pleading. But the more he pushed, the more she pushed back. Some days, it felt like he was caught in a battle he never wanted to fight. One morning, after another exhausting attempt to get his mother to take a bath, Andre collapsed onto the couch, rubbing his temples. "I don’t get it," he admitted to his best friend over the phone. "She needs help. Why does she fight me every step of the way?" His friend, whose father had gone through something similar, simply said, "Because you’re taking away the one thing she still feels like she has—control." Andre let those words sink in. Control. His mother had lost so much—her independence, her ability to make decisions, even pieces of her own memories. But saying no? That was still hers. And she was clinging to it for dear life. The next day, Andre tried a different approach. Instead of commanding, he offered choices. "Mom, would you like to wear the blue sweater or the red one today?" Instead of pushing, he guided. "I could really use your help setting the table. Could you show me how you used to do it?" Instead of correcting, he validated. When she insisted she had already eaten breakfast, he nodded. "That’s okay, I made something extra just in case you’re hungry again." Slowly, things began to shift. His mother, no longer feeling like she was being controlled, started cooperating more. There were still difficult moments, but the constant resistance started easing. Andre learned that his mother wasn’t fighting him—she was fighting the fear of losing herself. And by giving her small choices, by validating her emotions rather than dismissing them, he found a way to work with her instead of against her. If you’re a caregiver struggling with a loved one who refuses help, know this: their refusals aren’t personal. They’re holding onto what little control they have left. One of the most effective strategies you can use is the "Yes, and" approach—agreeing with their reality while gently guiding them in the direction they need to go. It’s also crucial to recognize that refusal is often rooted in emotion rather than logic. Fear, frustration, pride—these are powerful forces. The more we acknowledge and validate those emotions, the less resistance we face. In my book Get Risen, I share a mantra that applies perfectly here: "I am giving my best and passing life’s test." Caregiving is a test of patience, creativity, and love. And sometimes, passing that test doesn’t mean fixing everything. It just means adapting, staying present, and finding a way forward—together. I’d love to hear from you. Have you ever used a new approach to shift a tough moment? Share your story in the comments or email me. And if this episode resonated with you, don’t forget to subscribe and share it with another caregiver who might need it today. And don’t forget to join our Facebook community at bit.ly/CaregiverSecretsOnFacebook, where we share stories, tips, and encouragement. Together, we can build a village of support and make this journey a little lighter. Finally, I’d love for you to grab a free copy of my book, Get Risen. It’s written by a family caregiver for caregivers, and you can get it at bit.ly/GetRisen. Until next time, keep going. You are stronger than you know.