Saturday Live: Oh how I like to dress up those defects!

I went LIVE on Instagram Saturday to share what I realized after a conversation with my wife and being considerate of their time.  I had a podcast interview scheduled from 11-1 today and they rescheduled.  The person gave me a heads up so it wasn't a surprise. So I told Sarah, "if he reschedules, I'll do some work anyway."  What transpired was this. My buddy rescheduled, I got a late start, and decided that instead of spending 2 hours working, I would spend 3.  Nothing wrong here, right?  Sarah made a comment that I'm not very good at sticking to my time frames.  Again, nothing wrong with that.  However, when I sat down to journal, out of nowhere I wrote, Shes right!  I have prided myself on being a "go with the flow" kind of guy.  Not a ton bothers me and I'm quite happy to make no plans and see where the day takes us.  However, knowing what I know about how thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors can show up vs what is lying just below the surface can be miles apart.  For example, surface; I'm laid back.  Below the surface; I am reluctant to commit, I am a people pleaser and I'm addicted to the chaos it can create.  The opposite can be true as well.  Surface; You're a high achiever, super organized, and crush in almost everything you do. Below the surface; You're craving worthiness, have never felt good about yourself and if you can just do everything perfectly, then you'll get the affirmation that you're looking for.  This may seem extreme, but, let me explain.   As far back as I can remember, I've worked in jobs that didn't have a ton of structure.  They were often in sales and I was paid on commission.  Want more money? Work more.  Have enough in the bank? Kick your feet up and chill.  I always made sure I was in the top 10-15% of performers so I could keep the bosses off my back.  Sometimes I'd work 30 hrs a week and sometimes I'd work 60.  Sometimes I was crushing it and sometimes we couldn't afford our bills.  What is also true about my work history is, this feast or famine lifestyle fed my addiction to uncertainty.  The crazy thing is, even with all the personal development work I've done, I didn't even have a clue it was happening.   Today, what my wife's comment sparked for me is, the realization that I tend to have an attitude of, I'll get to it when I get to it, don't tell me what to do, don't make plans for me, and after I get finished doing all the things I want to do with my time, then, I'll consider what the rest of you would like to do. When I put it writing, it sounds super selfish... because it is, lol.  The insidious thing about defects and shortcomings are, over a lifetime you can get really good at hiding them under things like "this is a personality trait of mine," "that's just the way I'm wired" or my most recent one, "that's not my Love Language", LOL!  (My Love Language is "affirmation" and although, it may still be true.  I also seek affirmation because I can equally be super insecure, desperate to feel worthy and whole and a big-time people pleaser).  Even more insidious, many times, I don't even know I'm doing it.  My personal development and recovery journey is base on, you don't know what you don't know, you can't see what you can't see and you can't change something for the better if what you are trying to change is misdiagnosed!  If you focus on the roots, the things that are lurking below the surface; fear, insecurity, self-worth, you will be surprised at how everything else you concern yourself with simply takes care of itself.   A small favor to ask, if you like listening to the podcast or reading theses posts, give us a rating on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast platform.  Also, remember to share what you like on social! ❤️