Season 1, Episode 7: Creating Safe Havens as an Abuse Survivor

(00:00:19):Do you long for hope amid mental, emotional, or relational struggles?(00:00:24):Join life coach,(00:00:25):author,(00:00:25):and trauma survivor Tammy Kennington on From Hardship to Hope,(00:00:29):the podcast for Christian women navigating the intersection of motherhood,(00:00:33):mental health,(00:00:34):and matters of faith.(00:00:36):If you need biblical support, encouragement, and actionable tips, this show is for you.(00:00:42):Welcome.(00:00:44):On today's episode, we will consider safe spaces.(00:00:49):creating a place of safety as we heal.(00:00:52):In the previous episode,(00:00:57):when I met with special guest Sally Miller,(00:01:00):we introduced the idea of inner healing prayer as an effective means of counseling(00:01:08):and therapeutic recovery.(00:01:12):And during that episode, Sally told us that(00:01:16):When a person begins that journey at the beginning of each session,(00:01:21):he or she will be invited to imagine a place that feels very safe to them.(00:01:30):Some people will imagine maybe a place in the mountains.(00:01:34):Perhaps they think of the beach.(00:01:37):Maybe they think of their favorite chair in their home.(00:01:40):Whatever that safe space might be.(00:01:43):can represent a wonderful opportunity to step into and further healing.(00:01:52):So why is imagining a safe place so useful?(00:01:57):Why do trauma survivors benefit from this?(00:02:01):Well, most trauma survivors have experienced a lack of either physical and or emotional healing.(00:02:11):situations that were not safe.(00:02:14):And many of these have been ongoing over a period of years.(00:02:19):So what happens is that a person's limbic system is impacted.(00:02:25):And the limbic system is the part of the body that involves our flight and fight reaction, our response.(00:02:33):It releases stress hormones that flow throughout our body.(00:02:37):It increases blood flow to our muscles.(00:02:39):It makes us ready to respond to a threat.(00:02:44):But trauma like this can really impact the amygdala and hippocampus that are key(00:02:53):components of that limb extraction.(00:02:55):What happens is that those areas of the brain actually act as though they are an alarm system.(00:03:05):that is constantly going off.(00:03:06):It's hard to turn those parts of the limbic system off when one has experienced(00:03:13):chronic and ongoing stress or trauma.(00:03:16):So our goal then is to teach our own selves and to rewire our own neurobiology in(00:03:22):such a way that we create personal safety.(00:03:27):It can be really challenging because if we're feeling triggered by an event(00:03:33):at home or at work or any other place,(00:03:37):we may just respond with high levels of anxiety,(00:03:42):panic attacks,(00:03:44):a variety of different responses.(00:03:46):But we can learn to create that safety for ourselves.(00:03:52):So a couple of ways we can do this are to, first of all, say aloud to ourselves, I am safe.(00:03:59):In this moment, I am safe.(00:04:03):It helps us to think about the present moment,(00:04:07):even though our body is being triggered in such a way we're reminded,(00:04:12):even involuntarily or unconsciously,(00:04:15):of the past.(00:04:17):And of course, there's a lot of information and research that supports breathing techniques.(00:04:26):And some of the simple ways to incorporate this(00:04:30):I even teach to little children.(00:04:34):One of them is called flower candle breathing.(00:04:37):You inhale, imagining your favorite scented flower for a count of four.(00:04:44):Hold that breath for that four count and then blow it out gently as though you're(00:04:50):blowing out a birthday candle for another count of four and repeat this four times.(00:04:56):Pretty simple.(00:04:57):Some people,(00:04:58):rather than envisioning or pretending that they're smelling a flower,(00:05:03):imagine their favorite drink or coffee that they might enjoy.(00:05:10):So flower candle breathing is one easy technique, and another is called 5-4-3-2-1.(00:05:18):Many counselors will share these if you're in session with them.(00:05:22):But the 5-4-3-2-1 breathing technique involves looking around the room and noticing(00:05:31):five specific things that you can see,(00:05:35):hearing four different noises,(00:05:38):smelling three different items or environmental scents,(00:05:47):touching two specific items,(00:05:51):Maybe it's the chair you're sitting in.(00:05:53):Maybe it's a blanket on the couch or petting the dog.(00:05:58):And then one is tasting something.(00:06:01):So taste is very powerful.(00:06:04):And maybe you want to grab a mint.(00:06:07):Maybe you take a sip of your Perrier or something like that.(00:06:15):So 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 is also a very simple way(00:06:20):to work on that safe space, teaching your brain to rewire itself.(00:06:27):Beyond that, we can also invite Jesus into our safe space.(00:06:34):And if you feel comfortable doing that, then he can provide so much comfort for us in that moment.(00:06:43):If not, and you're still growing in that area, you can do like Sally suggested and think about(00:06:51):representing and introducing maybe a lamb into that safe space, a lamb representing Jesus.(00:07:00):Or maybe you consider the cross,(00:07:04):something that invites him into that sacred place of safety can be very healing and(00:07:11):comforting for many of us.(00:07:15):So creating safety for oneself is(00:07:18):very important, learning how to live in that place of safety.(00:07:24):The second thing that I recommend is building that safe community.(00:07:31):And we've talked about this before.(00:07:32):That was one area that was a real struggle for me.(00:07:37):While I often would see a counselor throughout the years or meet with somebody beyond that,(00:07:45):I didn't really have a safe community.(00:07:47):And this is so helpful for those of us who have lived through trauma and were(00:07:54):surviving and learning to heal.(00:07:56):Because when others understand our experience and reflect back empathetically their(00:08:08):just willingness to listen to our hearts and walk with us through that,(00:08:14):can prove to us that there are people we can trust.(00:08:20):And trusting people is often not our strong suit.(00:08:25):So where do we find groups like this?(00:08:28):I've mentioned before Journey to Heal by Crystal Sutherland.(00:08:33):It's a wonderful program that has even online groups that will meet with women,(00:08:41):And I believe they've even started groups for men now.(00:08:46):And so you can look up Journey to Heal and find a group either locally in your area or online.(00:08:55):You might also be able to find an inner healing prayer counselor or small group,(00:09:02):whether that's at church or in one of the resources we mentioned in the previous episode.(00:09:07):And(00:09:10):You can also start a group of your own.(00:09:13):You can create a meetup.(00:09:15):You can start a study in your own church that's for women who need healing.(00:09:24):And some basic tips for creating that sort of group involve creating a space for sharing information.(00:09:36):by establishing norms that encourage open communication,(00:09:39):honest communication,(00:09:41):and emphasizing respectful dialogue and active participation with the expectation(00:09:49):that the information shared in that group will remain confidential.(00:09:58):So, of course, the active participation is really important.(00:10:03):And that ensures everybody has an opportunity to be heard because so many of us have not been heard.(00:10:09):And we don't have practice oftentimes in even being heard,(00:10:17):of even speaking out and using our voices to share the heart of our lives.(00:10:23):So we want to create that environment where everyone feels comfortable speaking up.(00:10:28):And beyond that, we know that(00:10:32):We'll need to look for people in our everyday lives.(00:10:35):We'll need to turn to people in our everyday lives who we can trust and who will(00:10:41):respect what we've been through.(00:10:43):So one of the books I recommend that we all read,(00:10:49):regardless of whether we've experienced trauma or not,(00:10:52):would be a book called Safe People by Dr.(00:10:56):Henry Cloud and Dr.(00:10:58):John Townsend.(00:10:59):They're well known for their work in areas like this.(00:11:03):And they actually have a list of unsafe people and safe people on their website.(00:11:13):And this list actually includes specific characteristics of each of those types of people.(00:11:21):Now, none of us fit either category completely.(00:11:26):And I'm sure we've all been unsafe.(00:11:29):for somebody at one point or safe in another.(00:11:32):But here are in general some of the characteristics that really stand out to me.(00:11:38):An unsafe person is going to apologize but keeps repeating the same mistakes.(00:11:46):They won't work on their problems.(00:11:47):They demand trust.(00:11:49):They blame others.(00:11:50):They lie.(00:11:52):They avoid closeness.(00:11:53):They're not sympathetic.(00:11:55):They can't respect boundaries or set boundaries.(00:11:59):and they confront with guilt or shame or not at all.(00:12:04):They might be condemning.(00:12:06):They might be envious or self-sufficient or entitled, and they may be insecure with their attachments.(00:12:19):Safe people tend to admit their weaknesses.(00:12:23):They are spiritual but not religious, meaning they don't(00:12:28):live in law or judgment.(00:12:30):They're more open to feedback.(00:12:33):They apologize and change behavior.(00:12:36):They deal with their problems.(00:12:38):They try to connect with people.(00:12:40):They tell the truth.(00:12:43):And they're concerned about the needs of others.(00:12:47):In addition, they allow people to say no and they'll respect it.(00:12:51):They can set boundaries and they can respect boundaries.(00:12:56):And(00:12:57):They forgive.(00:12:58):Those are just a few of the characteristics that you'll find in this book,(00:13:09):Safe People,(00:13:11):again by Dr.(00:13:12):Henry Cloud and John Townsend.(00:13:17):So safety was often a rare commodity for children who are adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.(00:13:27):but it is attainable.(00:13:30):You can create safety for yourself.(00:13:32):You can find safety in Christ.(00:13:35):You can develop and foster safe relationships in community within and without of(00:13:41):church and in your own family and circle of friends.(00:13:47):I hope this is helpful to you and an encouragement to you.(00:13:50):I will provide links and reads and resources(00:13:56):at the end of the post on substack.com, TammyKennington.substack.com.(00:14:02):And I want to thank you for listening to From Hardship to Hope.(00:14:07):You'll find the show notes in today's episode.(00:14:11):And in addition to that,(00:14:14):if this episode was helpful to you,(00:14:16):I would love it if you would leave a review for me at From Hardship to Hope on(00:14:23):Apple Podcasts.(00:14:25):Reads and ResourcesSafe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tammykennington.substack.com/subscribe