Setting Good Boundaries: Pleasing, Controlling, or Caring?

from The Affair Recovery Room · host Tim Tedder

Barb Nangle grew up in a home shaped by infidelity and codependency, and without realizing it, she carried those patterns into her own adult life. Her father was unfaithful throughout her childhood, her mother stayed and made it "okay," and Barb eventually found herself repeating both. It wasn't until she entered 12-step recovery in 2015 that she began to see the truth: she wasn't just a people-pleaser. She was dishonest, approval-seeking, and living without integrity, and those patterns had made her vulnerable to exactly the kinds of relational dysfunction she'd grown up watching.In this conversation, Barb reframes what boundaries actually are. They're not walls to keep people out. They're the internal structure that keeps you whole when life gets hard. She explains how people-pleasing is a form of manipulation, how integrity means aligning your behavior with your values, and how her concept of "boundaries of self-containment" (simply stopping behaviors that create chaos) has transformed her life more than anything else she has tried.Barb also speaks directly to the connection between poor boundaries and infidelity. Whether you were the one who strayed or the one who was betrayed, she argues that boundary work is essential to understanding how the breach happened and what it takes to rebuild. Honest, direct communication, professional support, and the willingness to own your part aren't optional in recovery. They're the foundation.LINKS and EXTRASEpisode Page: https://affairhealing.com/podcasts/047Barb Nagle’s Resources - Website: higherpowercc.com; Free Coaching Call: barbchat.net; Podcast: Fragmented to WholeNeed personal help? Schedule a Session with one of our coaches.

Episode metadata supplied by the publisher feed · Published Mar 10, 2026

Embed this episode

Attribution link and audio player

What this episode covers

What do boundaries have to do with infidelity? More than most people realize. In this episode, Tim talks with boundaries coach Barb Nangle, who grew up surrounded by infidelity and codependency and spent decades unknowingly repeating those patterns. It wasn't until 12-step recovery that Barb began to understand what healthy boundaries actually look like, and why their absence makes relationships vulnerable to broken trust. She shares how people-pleasing is a form of dishonesty, why integrity means aligning your behavior with your values, and how "boundaries of self-containment" can clean up the chaos that fuels relational breakdown. Whether you're the betrayed partner trying to establish safety or the involved partner trying to understand why you crossed the line, this conversation offers a grounded, honest framework for doing the harder work.