EPISODE · Jan 27, 2026 · 24 MIN
Sex, Capacity, and the Lie We Keep Telling Ourselves
from ADHD Realities · host Dr. Leann Borneman
In this episode of ADHD Realities, I’m unpacking why the way we talk about desire — especially in heterosexual relationships — has never sat right with me. For years, we’ve framed libido differences as “higher vs. lower drive,” quietly centering access instead of capacity, and calling it neutral. It isn’t. We talk about what happens when desire gets mistaken for entitlement, why fluctuating desire (especially in women’s bodies) is so often pathologized, and how ADHD, nervous system regulation, hormones, perimenopause, menopause, stress, and life stage all shape access to desire in ways effort alone can’t fix. I also dig into why “weaponized incompetence” is frequently misapplied in these conversations, why desire is a state — not a skill — and what real accountability actually looks like when two people want different things. This episode isn’t about blaming men, excusing shutdown, or telling anyone to settle. It’s about honesty, capacity, compatibility, and knowing when a relationship can be redesigned — and when it can’t. This is not a how-to episode. It’s a reality check. Because no book, podcast, or framework can replace the work of understanding your own layers and deciding what kind of relationship truly works for your body, your brain, and your life.
What this episode covers
In this episode of ADHD Realities, I’m unpacking why the way we talk about desire — especially in heterosexual relationships — has never sat right with me. For years, we’ve framed libido differences as “higher vs. lower drive,” quietly centering access instead of capacity, and calling it neutral. It isn’t. We talk about what happens when desire gets mistaken for entitlement, why fluctuating desire (especially in women’s bodies) is so often pathologized, and how ADHD, nervous system regulation, hormones, perimenopause, menopause, stress, and life stage all shape access to desire in ways effort alone can’t fix. I also dig into why “weaponized incompetence” is frequently misapplied in these conversations, why desire is a state — not a skill — and what real accountability actually looks like when two people want different things. This episode isn’t about blaming men, excusing shutdown, or telling anyone to settle. It’s about honesty, capacity, compatibility, and knowing when a relationship can be redesigned — and when it can’t. This is not a how-to episode. It’s a reality check. Because no book, podcast, or framework can replace the work of understanding your own layers and deciding what kind of relationship truly works for your body, your brain, and your life.
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Sex, Capacity, and the Lie We Keep Telling Ourselves
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