Sh*t Silence Hurts

People say silence is golden, and it can indeed be a powerful tool. But like many tools, it can be used for harm as much as for good. Have you ever felt like you have to dim your light to accommodate others? That you need to hold your tongue to keep the peace? Or that your opinion doesn’t matter, not because it isn’t valid but because nobody will listen?Silence. We’ve learned to silence ourselves and others, intentionally or not. The consequences of silence can be deeply harmful—from loneliness to physical illness, silence hurts.Elaine Lin Hering, author of Unlearning Silence has done something incredibly courageous (yes, calculated, as she would clarify but courageous nonetheless) by writing a whole book inviting us to challenge our assumptions about silence, how we’ve internalized it, and how we’ve been complicit in perpetuating spaces where silence is the norm. Her book is not just thought-provoking but filled with practical examples, tips, reflection questions, and suggestions on how to do better.In this episode, Elaine and I explore some of the ideas in her book, having to leave her the firm because she couldn't stand the inequities she faced, and how she has reevaluated her definitions of success, team, and productivity.About Elaine Lin Hering:Elaine Lin Hering is a facilitator, speaker, and writer. She works with organizations and individuals to build skills in communication, collaboration, and conflict management. Elaine has worked on six continents and with a wide range of corporate, government, and nonprofit clients. She has trained mental health professionals, political officials, religious communities, and leaders at companies including American Express, Capital One, Google, Nike, Novartis, Shell, Pixar, and the Red Cross. Elaine is a former Managing Partner of Triad Consulting Group and Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School, specializing in dispute resolution, mediation, and negotiation.Key Lessons from the Interview:* The Insidious Nature of Silence: Elaine defines silence as more than just the absence of noise—it's the absence of voice, opinion, and life. She discusses how silence can start subtly, making us withdraw our true thoughts and replace them with what we think others want to hear.* The Emotional and Physical Toll: Silence isn't just a social issue; it has deep emotional and physical impacts. Elaine shares how staying silent can lead to stress, health problems, and a sense of isolation.* Systemic Silencing: Elaine addresses the broader implications of silence in society, particularly how it affects marginalized groups and perpetuates systemic inequities.* Personal Sacrifices for Justice: Elaine opens up about her difficult decision to leave her job, illustrating the personal cost of standing up against injustice and the importance of aligning actions with values.* Redefining Success: The conversation also delves into redefining success, emphasizing that true success is living in alignment with one's values and fostering environments where all voices can be heard.Episode Notes with Timestamps:[00:00:00] – Introduction and meeting Elaine Lin Hering[00:02:00] – Definition of silence and its profound impact[00:10:00] – Elaine’s journey: From aspiring lawyer to author and advocate[00:17:00] – The emotional and physical toll of staying silent[00:23:00] – The concept of double pain and the importance of conversation[00:30:00] – Writing "Unlearning Silence" and the challenges faced[00:34:00] – Redefining success and the importance of living aligned with one's values[00:41:00] – The privilege of choice and staying true to oneself[00:54:00] – Final reflections and the ongoing journey of unlearning silenceResources:Elaine Lin Hering - Website, LinkedInUnlearning Silence - Amazon, Bookshop.orgBattle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua - Amazon, NYT ExcerptWomen Don’t Ask by Linda C. Babcock - Amazon, Bookshop.orgThe First, the Few, the Only: How Women of Color Can Redefine Power in Corporate America by Deepa Purushothaman - Amazon, Bookshop.org, Deepa’s websiteThis is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit maricellaherrera.substack.com