Shame, Money & Women

Dear Empowered Wayers -When shame is an active participant in your money decisions, your life isn’t peaceful and it definitely doesn’t feel abundant. Let’s take a deeper look at shame and how women tend to use it as a weapon against themselves.The Shame Spiral Starts EarlyMoney shame often starts innocently enough: Maybe you overdrew your account in college because you thought “pending transactions” meant they didn’t count yet (spoiler: they do). Or you splurged on those amazing boots, forgetting about the electricity bill. Mistakes like these should stay mistakes—things you learn from and move on. But many women tend to turn those moments inward.Instead of thinking, “Oh well, bad decision,” women’s self talk may sound like this: “I’m terrible with money. I’ll never be able to retire. My future self will be living in a van down by the river, eating tuna from a can!”It’s not just anecdotal. Studies back this up. Research published in Psychological Bulletin found that women are more likely than men to internalize their mistakes, tying them to their self-worth. Men tend to blame external factors for the mistake.For example, a woman might think, “I’m terrible with money,” while a man in the same situation might think, “I didn’t get enough information.” Because women tend to internalize and judge themselves, shame is amplified. The shame spiral makes it harder for women to shake off financial missteps and move forward.When Shame Becomes a Full-Time JobRemember, shame is sneaky. It convinces you that your financial mistakes aren’t just mistakes—they’re proof that you, as a person, are fundamentally flawed. That extra charge on your credit card isn’t just a budgeting error; it’s evidence that you’re irresponsible, lazy, or not good enough to success at the money game.Brene Brown defines shame as:[t]he intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.If this definition resonates with you, then you are familiar with this emotion. The first step is to notice where it shows in your body. As you move through shame, know that it thrives in silence. As you notice you are feeling shame, put words around it to bring it out to the light. Awareness is always the first step on the journey of transformation. Laughing (and Learning) Through ShameThe good news? Shame is like a vampire—it dies when exposed to sunlight. If you can name it, share it, and poke a little fun at it, it will begin to lose its grip. Remind yourself that everyone has made money mistakes - the trick is not to let those moments define you.Case in point: I once joined a network marketing company that sold premium skin care. I had just left my law practice and impulsively grabbed the first opportunity that presented itself, instead of being mindful about why I left my practice. I spent months trying to convince people they needed the fancy skin care that would remove all signs of aging. (Spoiler: they didn’t.) For years, I couldn’t think about that fiasco without cringing. Now, I see it as a hilarious story—and a reminder to stay true to myself and my goals (and never sell to my friends).Tips to Move Through Shame and Transform ItIf you’re stuck in a shame spiral about money, here’s how to start climbing out:* Name It and Claim ItOwn your mistakes without letting them own you. Say it out loud: “I spent too much on Amazon this month.” The world won’t end, I promise.* Reality Check Your StoryAsk yourself: Is this mistake really proof I’m terrible with money, or is it just… a mistake? Guess what - it’s the second one.* Talk About ItShare your money mistakes with a trusted friend or therapist. Odds are, they’ve been there too. And if they haven’t, they’ll at least remind you that one bad decision doesn’t define you or your self-worth.* Learn and LaughEvery financial misstep is a chance to learn something. And if you can laugh about it later, even better. Remember: The network marketing years are behind us.* Set One Small GoalShame thrives on overwhelm. Focus on one positive step forward—like creating a budget or setting up a small savings plan. Progress, no matter how small, is the best antidote to shame.Remember: You are not your bank balance, your bad decisions, or your credit score. You’re a fabulous, complex human being who sometimes makes questionable purchases. To your prosperity,Kathryn P.S. To learn more about how to forgive yourself and improve your money relationship, please read “The Money Tree” and leave a 5 star review on Amazon. You will fall in love with Flo, and laugh at her mistakes as she learns to navigate the energy of money. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit empoweredway.substack.com