It's Friday. It's Friday. Friday. Friday.
Friday. Friday. Carly. Harlan Williams, you're just in time for Fatcock Friday.
What's that? It's when you chub up all day. You do what now? You chub up, man.
You chub up? Chub. CHUB. I can't believe I just spelled something.
It's gonna be a good show. That was correct spelling, right, Telly? I wasn't paying attention, but yes. Alright, good.
Chub up. You said chub up. You chub your dick up all day. You didn't know about my lawnmower accident, did you?
How long was your dick if it was a lawnmower accident? It was long enough for the gardener to get to. The gardener did it. I don't have one, man, but I'll watch you guys chub up and fall.
I'm sorry. When did that, what year was that? I was when I was six years old. Oh, you've had no dicks since you were six.
Yeah, my dad actually threw me in front of the lawnmower. He hated me. He hated you, or did you hate your penis? He called me a dick, so I guess they were one and the same.
I see that. It's a Southern circumcision ritual. So what kind of do you wear like a swim? Do you swim?
Yeah. What kind of swimming trunks does somebody use with no penis? Duck tape? You're like a kendoll.
Pretty much. Dip balls? No. Wow.
Just like a full nothing right there. It's like a serving tray. Where do you pee? In my mouth.
Right. Yeah, right. That makes sense. Is your booty work?
She's at home today. Right. So do you think that's what gave you the drive to be as successful as you are today? You know, dude, what does success even mean?
It's going to be that kind of interview, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, success is not between the legs. It's in the spirit. I'm the first guy looking at his eyes and I can tell he woke up this morning and he took on the world with a positive, positive energy.
Yeah. Every time I look down at my crotch and I go, look at that. I have a functional set of genitals, unlike the Great Harlan Williams. It just, it shares me up every single time.
And it doesn't face me anymore. Like you can say whatever you want, but I've lived with it my whole life. So nothing, nothing faces me. Sounds good, Nicholas.
Yeah. Right? There you go. Keep them coming.
No. Nicholas wonder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The resilience of the human spirit.
It's really inspirational. Well, that's what she said. Can I kiss your ass for a second? I saw you do stand up the other day, stand up live with Jeremiah Watkins and you were fucking terrible.
Yeah, there you go. Thank you. I was like, how is this guy? Why is he here?
Yeah. Yeah. And then I saw some of your shows lately been a guest on some other shows where I was like, terrible guest. Yeah.
Yeah, that's right, man. Dickless, terrible. Yeah, man. If you could sit down, we're trying to talk.
Seriously. I don't know where we are anymore. Thank you, random lady, for just ruining the show. Right?
Who am I? Who are you? Who is she? Yeah, she's Dickless too.
Maybe you guys should hang out. We should go to Seattle. We could be Dickless in Seattle. Nubs.
Oh, you know about my uncle? The guy that was in the Air Force? Nubs? The guy that stepped on the landmine?
Did he? Yeah. Did he lose one leg or both? Well, he lost his clip.
Oh, wow. Yeah. I need to interrupt this podcast for a very important update. Break up from your destructive habits.
Head to trifume.com slash Jason. Not everything in a bad habit is wrong. Look at me. Look at all cool with my fume here.
There's nothing wrong with that, baby. So instead of a drastic uncomfortable change, why not just remove the bad from your habit? Fume does just that. Instead of electronics, fume is completely natural.
Instead of vapor, fume uses flavored air. And instead of harmful chemicals, fume uses all natural, delicious flavors. You get it. Instead of bad, fume is good.
It makes replacing your bad habit easy. It's also fun to fidget with. And I feel cool using it. Stopping is something we all put off because it's hard.
But switching to fume is easy, enjoyable, even fun. Look at real. Out of the must. Fume has served over 100,000 customers and has thousands of success stories.
There's no reason I can't be you. Join Fume and the exhilarating humanity. Break up from destructive habits by picking up the journey pack today. Get to fume.com and use the code JSON to save 10% off when you get your journey pack.
That's trifume. T-R-Y-F-U-M.com and then use the code JSON like me and you get additional 10% off your order today. Oh, head to trifume.com slash JSON to save an additional 10% off your order today, mate. That's nice smoking.
Wait, are you smoking? Can you smoke here? Okay, well then cool. Is that a cigarette?
No. Okay, good. You look like you lift weights. Why do you do that?
That's natural. You're a natural bullshit artist. You should see this guy walk. It's a treat.
Is it hard because you're so jacked? Is it hard to walk because you're so jacked? Why are you so jacked? What was the mission there?
When did you decide to get jacked? It just naturally occurred. You didn't see a movie or anything like a rugby or anything? Go, that's it.
I'm going to get jacked too. It was a friend that inspired you for your jackness. What a great friend. You got a little dick, right?
A lot of jack guys have that. It's like you're making up for something, you know? You know jack guys when they get tired quick too. Okay.
How many guys have you? I think I know more dude. I've guessed out many of it. Many of it.
One should take the jack gays into the championship rounds. The fight is yours to lose. Thank you Michael. Thank you.
Stay the pace. Wait until the championship rounds and then take it out. Seriously is that a cigarette? Because you know what I realized?
It's so crazy. It's a doobie. Is it? For sure.
Now you switch to vape pen. You have a joint and a vape pen at the same time. Okay, it's just so crazy. I didn't even realize we now live in a world where it would be offensive for somebody to smoke a cigarette in here but it's totally acceptable for them to smoke a joint which is the exact opposite how it was when we were coming up.
Hey, Helen, are you a wheat smoker? So when you were in half baked, was that all fake? Yeah, well, yeah. I didn't do it.
It was an excellent act, man. Thanks, man. That movie I watched, I'm one of those people that got stuck in it where I just kept watching it and I had a few friends and we would do quotes of the movie while it was happening over and over again and do it again and you were, we did a lot of your stuff. Yeah, we do a break.
You shot the sequel. We shot the sequel this year. Really? Yeah.
Yeah. Part two. Part two. Yeah.
Fuck off. I'm 25 again. I'm fucking punk. Let me get high and regurgitate.
All the lines can be great. Thank you. Do you roll the wreath? Oh, yeah.
Do you split it up? Sure. Yeah. You split it?
I'm a constant stoner. You want some split? Sure. Ooh, look at this.
There you go. There you go. Were you ever, Harlan? Was it ever your cup of tea?
No, no. I actually just, you know, when you're dealing with parents and you're dealing with a tough childhood, you got to stay away from that stuff. There was a lot of tears in my house growing up, a lot of crying and well, we worked on an American farm. That was part of it.
But, well, if you're going to laugh, maybe this isn't the podcast for me. What about you? You look like you hammer Smith at? No, I do not.
I have not hammered Smith in some time. I did and then it turned on me. Now I actively run away. Like this guy, I'm going to get high from this guy smoking 15 feet away from me.
Why'd you stop? Why'd your buddy stop hammer Smith at? He gets creeped out. Does he?
He gets paranoid and it doesn't do the thing that he wanted it to do. So I respect it. I don't smoke weed on the show when we're in the studio. I have a friend, the dingo and I have a vape pen and I always blow the vape pen out away from him because he has one time got contact from a vape pen.
That lasted two days. He was high for two days. He said, I almost got into a car accident the next day from being in the same room. I'm not even sure if that's actually possible, but he fucking, I do, you did.
The tire screeches were real. The tire screeches were real. Said you were foggy the next day. You did look foggy.
I was. You mentioned where Dingo and I think most people in North America, Canada and the US, don't really understand the dimensions of a dingo. I think they think it's big like a wolf, but if you could describe to our North American friends what a dingo looks like. It's like a fat snowboarder that doesn't shave.
Thank you. I've never actually heard you talk about, I've heard about you talking about boars and ruse. You saw those every day on the way to school. Have you encountered a wild dingo?
No, my mom's a dingo. But outside of a domestic setting. Sorry, my mom's a dingo. Sorry.
It would make sense. My mom's a human. Where'd she do it? In the desert?
In the desert? In the desert? I said in the butt. Too soon, bro.
No, wait, you're saying I'm a butt baby? Oh, man. It's bad enough being a half dog. It's like a dog.
It's pretty much a dog. It's a dog. Yeah. It's a dog.
They've agreed with other domestic dogs. In Australia, it's illegal. I grew up with like Bogans and Bogans like to do criminal shit. So my dad's friends had half dingos.
Wow. And they would attack people because they were half dingo. And they were wild. And he was like, yeah, but he's half good.
But he does do dog stuff. But every now and then he will attack people. And it's very hard to calm him down. He's like the Incredible Hulk, but a dog.
He's half a maniac. You might go and do a trick. He'll shake a paw but then eat your throat. Yeah.
If you try to take something away from him instead of. No, no. Yeah, he'll attack. But they were cool for tough guys.
It's like a pit bull in Australia. Like a guy would show up with it. And be like, yeah, she's half ding guy. And everybody would go, fuck.
And that half that dog could kill all of us. And everyone stands around looking at it. It's not even that good looking at a dog. Yeah.
Hey, speaking of dogs, I don't know why you pointed him when I said that. Well, you said it on the dog. Yeah, I am. So I have little kids and they watch a lot of Disney.
Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. And they're watching this show one day and it's got this cute little catchy theme song that's stuck in your head and I hear this voice.
Now, where the hell do I know that voice from? I'll be dog pals. You're not only the voice. It's your show based on your books.
I know, but let's get back to my family. Onions went how bad do you like? So now when you're free. Well, because we grew up on an onion farm, we, me and the kid, me and my siblings, had a hankering for corn on the cob, right?
Yeah. And the people next door, the farmers down the road were corn people. And we were a nutty corn family. Like we were just nuts for corn.
Well, if you're going to laugh, maybe if I've chopped the story off right here. But we were so nuts for corn on Saturday nights, instead of, this is tough to talk about, I might get emotional. You got this. Instead of renting a VHS, watching Top Gun or Bridges of Madison County or out of Africa or Mannequin, you know, my dad would duct tape us to the wall in the basement.
Yeah. And he'd wheel my grandmother in the wheelchair and he'd force us to watch her and my mother eat cob's of corn. Oh, my mother did it instead of this way. My mother put it in this way.
She sucked it off. And she'd pull the, you know when you're going to take the wing and you strip the meat off again. Yeah. She'd do that.
My mother would deep throat the cob and be nibbled it. Yeah. One shot. Just in one shot.
My grandmother had horrible gingivitis and halitosis kind of like you. And she had black gums. Her gums, she was so rotted out, her gums were black gang. And I know we're kind of sitting in a room and there's a lot of black textures and I don't want to freak you out.
But her gums were black and her doni husband's fucking cleavage. Oh, wow cleavage. Yeah. And so she would get gone and her gums were so bad that her teeth were all loose.
Have you ever heard of this condition, Mamrie? You're teeth. They're almost swinging. She would twirl that corn.
Her teeth would flap on the cob. You ever put hockey cards in a spike and in the spokes of a bike wheel? So when she had gorna, her teeth would flap on the cob. Yeah.
And I don't know if this is a good story for this show, but I like it. I enjoyed it. Not a corn crowd, I take it. You ever killed an animal?
Yeah. Right. Yeah, I love it. Oh yeah.
Oh yeah. Hand like, have you ever done it with your bare hands? Yeah. If I see it, especially go after endangered animals.
Yes. About three weeks ago I was in Florida and dragged a manatee out of the swamp and stomped on the back of its head. Right. And I was just facing right on the curb.
Like, remember American Mr. Jack's? Yeah. It's fucking giant gopher teeth.
We're right on the curb. Bam. Right on the back of that. Is one shot to kill?
One shot. There's only 798 in the world. Now there's 797. Nice.
Did you say something to piss you off? It's just, you know, there's sea cows, right? Yeah. And it was obviously lactating.
And I was walking by, had my nice clothes on. I just bought a new get up over at Ross Dress for less. And I'm walking along in this fat chubby fucking sea fox squirted titty milk. Oh, what?
And it's all over me. That's on purpose. Yeah. It's like a dairy queen reject.
And so I stomped that little whore. And then I went down to the beach and I dug up some sea turtles. You know, they're like medallion. Yeah, keep it all vast.
You can just fucking toss them. Yeah. And they're like razor blades because their shells are so soft. And what I was able to do was I was able to kill two endangered species at once.
I was able to fling the turtles and then take some great ox out of the sky. Nice. Yeah. Just like a massacre.
It's like the circle of life, but the exact opposite. Circle of whose wife. Right. Nice.
You ever killed a pigeon? Yeah. Yeah. They came after me.
Who did? The pigeon family. I was one time I was in my, hanging out in my kid's bedroom and I heard two people fucking upstairs and I don't have an upstairs or two people that live with me. And I was like, what is that?
And then I went up there and turns out pigeons make a sound like they're fucking. You ever heard that? It's straight up dude's fucking. Can you?
It's like somebody's getting pounded, you know? So it turns out not pounded, but it's pigeon. So then I told them the radio about it the next day and someone called and said, did you know pigeons, they have like crazy germs and they can engage your family and your kids could get sick and die? And I was like, no.
I got like a motocross gear on and then I put like a bandana over my nose down here and then motogoggles and then I got a broom and I snapped the thing off the end of it, the broom thing and then I put a wolf knife and a torch on the end of it and duct taped it on there so I had a wolf knife laser torch and a BB gun, a handgun. So I'll go up there and it's just the roof. You got to walk on the framing. So I'm walking on the framing.
I see one, shoot it, BB gun stuff very strong. Just kind of pissed him off. So I shot him again, shot him again and then he's dying because I'm shooting him so much and then I feel something behind me and I look and it's another one just jacked up ready to go. I contact like full light.
I'm like, you come up here and do an impression. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, fuck it. Oh, dude, you got to turn around so they can see. We don't want to see it. Well, all that work finally.
Yeah, exactly. All right, that'll do chicken. Get out. So you know, then I had to stab this other one and when I stabbed it, I stabbed it into a pole and the pole broke the torch.
So now I'm in the dark with a half dead pigeon, maybe another half dead pigeon. There have to be and then I hear, phew, there's more. They had kids. So I had to kill the kids.
Yeah. I killed everybody and I put them all in the bag and I put them in the trash and yeah, there you go. It's only right when you murder a set of parents to do the honorable thing and take out the children as well. You look like you've killed a few animals in your bag.
Oh, I revel in it. What'd you do, guy? I'll break them down mentally until they take themselves out. Right.
He's like a drain, one of those vampire. What is it, a drain vampire? A soul vampire. What?
I'm in energy. Yeah. Exactly. I'm in walking.
I'm in the energy vampire for hummingbirds. Wow, dude. What about cows? Have you had sex with one of those?
No, I haven't had sex with any, but I've milked one once. Yeah, it's pretty much the same thing. Well, you're right. I mean, if you joke my tits off for like 15 minutes, I feel like we had some sort of sexual encounter.
Yeah, I can't really do it anymore because I'm lactose intolerant, but when I did do it, you look like you've milked a few cows. I've been to Amish Country once or twice. Thanks for asking. Amish Country.
Amish Country. Wow. That's what passed for vacations when I was a child. Michael likes to experience other people's lives, so he has a better understanding of the world.
No, I don't. It was just my parents would only take his own vacation, so we could drive too. After we did the Jersey Shore 11 times, we went to Amish Country. You did?
Yeah, they sent jerk off that cow. Wow, are there any Amish people here tonight, by the way? No. They're still making their way here.
It takes them a while. Oh, man. Do you have Amish in Canada? Yeah.
Yeah, they live there. They're very self-reliant people. They live on farms and they harvest and they don't indulge in technology. Sir?
I heard they get hookers. They what? They get hookers. Is that what you heard?
Yeah. I saw one text. See? That's two witnesses.
You saw one what? Text. Whoa. For sure.
She may have been tweeting, but she was for sure. Yeah. It's the temptation. I didn't think it.
Oh, God. Well, it wasn't a blanket. It was a duvet. Yeah.
Yeah. Before you lost your dick, obviously, when you were five. Yeah. Well, it was just it was the shocker.
I didn't use this area. It was all hand-wearing. Oh, okay. You must be pretty good at that being dickless and all.
Yeah. I'm good with my hands. I could do pottery and do the shocker. Nice.
What about you? You have you powered power slammed through a blanket? Yeah, I pretty much threw anything. I threw a door on the day.
On the daily. You fucked doors day? I got it. Yes.
Because she wants to. I got a glory hole in my house. Yeah. Who's the priest on the other side?
They're usually not priests. I'm not sure maybe they are in there on the having a day off. No one's with a collar on if that's what you're asking. I think a police officer blew me the other day.
Oh, come on, really? Yeah, not. Just making it up. But he looked like a cop.
You got a cop stick. You know what I'm saying? You're a shooting floor. Once you pull that out, it's kind of a sober.
I know you're a part of the police force. Have you figured out how to use your tattoo implement yet? Oh, for real. Yeah.
So you could theoretically tattoo anybody in the crowd right now. Yeah. You idiot. Whoo, here you go.
After he just says, I've got a tattoo gun. Whoo. And I guess to ask him if he knows how to use it yet. Yeah, that's really stupid.
Trusting me is not a good idea. Ask everybody that knows me. You do your own tattoos? Not really, but I've got a tattoo machine ready to go right now.
You should do that guy, man. I will do that guy. What would you... What do you want your tattoo to be, bro, Sethiosh?
You're gonna let him pick? Oh, wow. Oh, you really do have a freaking... There's plenty of time if you like one as well, Harlan.
I'm actually... I just looked at my schedule and it looks like I'm busy for the rest of my life, but... Do you have any tattoos? Uh, well...
I do have a tramp stamp. Let's put it that way. Early 90s were wild. Yeah.
You have a tattoo, don't you? I do. I got the dumb one. Here in Las Vegas.
What'd you get? Dude. I got... It's like a sailor tattoo that's supposed to have like mom or your wife's name, but it says your mom.
Oh, wow. I have a your mom tattoo. Yeah. It seems so funny when I was drunk.
It's good. It's good. Yeah. Is there a picture too?
No. It's just a heart and a ribbon and it says your mom. Your mom. Yeah.
Are you really gonna do this? I'm thinking about getting it covered up just not by him. Yeah, that's not a good idea. Yeah.
I would wait till I've done like two more tattoos before. Oh, no, no. You hired me. Yeah.
What makes you think that I can draw a shape that looks like a heart? See, one heart on both your nipples? Wait, you want your nipples tattoo? That's what I heard.
All right. Well, do we need like waivers or it's just Sankefest rules? Yeah. No witnesses.
Just make sure nobody... Just make sure nobody records anything that happens in this room. Okay. Well, because it means fall flavors.
I don't really know how to cook. I'm a bit of a loser. I live by myself and I can't afford to order food. So this is saving my life.
So your life could be safe too if you're anything like me and you're cooking. Check it out. If you go to factamills.com slash Alice 50 and use the code Alice 50 to get 50% off. Factor America's number one ready to eat meal kit can help you fuel up fast with chef prepared dietitian approved ready to eat meals delivered to your door.
You'll save time. Eat well and stay on track with your healthy lifestyle. You can choose from 34 weekly flavored meals that are fresh and never frozen. And are ready to go.
In two minutes, yo. They've got gourmet plus options that are prepared by chefs with premium ingredients like Barakah Leenie. It's like broccoli, only skinnier and fancier. Leaks, truffle butter and asparagus.
They also have lunch, yatosses. So you got grain bowls, salad toppers, ready to eat when you're ready to go. No microwave required. And don't forget about snacks.
They have over 45 add-ons including breakfast items like apples, cinnamon, pancakes, bacon and cheddar, egg bites and potato bacon and egg breakfast skillet. Man, I'm getting hungry right now. You're listening to me? Yeah, you little punks.
You got to be a factor meals dot com slash Ellis 50. You got to be factor meals dot com slash Ellis 50 to get 50% off. Break your Johnson. What's your name, son?
Kramer, come on up. Wow. Wow. This is going to be cool.
It's going to hurt like hell. Yeah, I mean, proper tattoos. You can only imagine how much this one will. Oh, this is going to really hurt.
Oh my goodness. Hepatitis C. Just tattoo that. The word hepatitis C.
That's what you're getting. We have a napkin or something. It's very unprepared. Anybody got a baby wipe tampon?
We're not particular. Oh my God. It looks like melanoma. All right.
So far so good. Yeah. I mean, it currently looks like an exposed ass crack, but I'm sure that's not going to look like that in the end. Now I'm getting more of a dingo vibe.
Oh, no, there it is. Wow. People waste so much money going to professionals for tattoos. There you go.
Who's next? I'm joking. Nice work, dude. I'm trying to box me.
I'm pretty sweet. You can tell that's a hot. I'm probably going to start tattooing everybody. My daughter just crossed that threshold to wear more often than not.
You can tell what the drawing is without her telling you what it is. Oh, wow. And she's six. So I would say you're tattooing at about a six-year-old level because that's for sure.
That's a heart. I know that anywhere. Thank you, Michael. I feel about six.
Just as a general, like what my brain thinks about. How'd you do it so fast though? I'm pretty fast. A lot of people say that about my tattooing.
That was amazing. I was literally under a minute. I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good at stuff.
Thank you though. I'm looking forward to that career. I feel like if you're a good tattooist, then you get to tattoo hot tattoo chicks. I love hot tattoo chicks.
Even if they don't want to bone me. It's just cool to hang out with them. They got scars. I like people with scars.
They're real pretty and they got scars. It's like a fun story and fun to look at. Thank you. That's so pretty good about that tattoo.
I expected that to be like a blob or not even a thing that went in there. That's what I did. I tattooed myself. I actually did really finish.
He's got the heart. I should put the green diamond, the yellow clover and the purple moon. And tattooed Lucky Charms on his back. I definitely could do Lucky Charms for sure.
The words or like little. The cereal box. Oh, yes. The leprechaun.
Yeah. Maybe not. You haven't been electrocuted? Yeah.
I should've known. How many times? It was just the ones. I was walking down the side of the road.
I was drenched in manatee milk. They really got an infant. The Lord is notorious for their lightning. And boom, I just took a hit.
And because I had the manatee milk all over me, it was like a conductor. And that electricity went through me like powder playing with Dolly Parton's vibrator on a frosty Thursday night for it. Barry Manilow's hot tub. That sounds pretty electrifying.
Yeah. But how about you? You probably have used to do electrical work, didn't you? Yeah, yeah.
When I was younger in Australia, I used to be an electrician. I used to work on the power lines for the trains. So I used to get a lot of cables. I was always getting into cables.
Cables is kind of where I dwelt. I did a lot of cable work. Chopping them and then putting one back up, stuff like that. So one time I was under a bridge and I was trying to get to the cable and I slipped and my hand flew back in it.
Thank God I hit the back of my hand on it. But it went, whoosh, it's going to let you cue to me and maybe fall off the bridge to the ground. And I was all shaky and shit. But yeah, that was...
How many volts? Probably 3,000 and five, to be exact. 4,000, 2,000 for mine. Oh, wow.
You scaled the lightning. Yeah. How did you register that? Because I went to the electricity hospital right after.
Yeah, I didn't say what's funny about that either. If you get an attitude, where do you think you go? You fucking ass off. Thank you for backing me up.
Yeah, that's where I went to. I got that in Australia. Yeah, they got them in Oz. I went to one up there in Malulova.
You ever been up there? Yeah, my mum is from there. They got a great one up in Malulova, right on the coast. Yeah, I love Malulova.
Malulova. Malulova. Yeah, I grew up there. Malulova, just north of the gold coast.