Showing Up (76)

There were quite a few years of my life after the concussions that I didn’t show up much for life. At least, I didn’t show up for the parts of life that I had always shown up for. It was perhaps the hardest part of the “old” life to let go of. In many ways, it felt like I was disappearing. Once I began to stabilize and regain a less dysfunctional brain, there was a lot of disappointment around not being able to show up consistently. That was its own agony and eventually I think we wished that we could just avoid planning or committing to anything because we didn’t know what kind of day I would be having. Saying, “I’m sorry, but we won’t be coming after all” gets old pretty quickly. “Showing up” was something I became uncertain of being able to do and more and more afraid of because of a growing list of experiences where I couldn’t and didn’t. Trying to push through and show up often led to lengthy regressions and longer recovery times. It was a rough cycle. Much learned. But rough. As I have come back online with vocational life over the past 3 or so years, “just show up” has been one of my mantras. I don’t have to show off to show up. I just need to show up. If at all possible, I show up with what I have to give. I can’t remember if it’s 100% of what I used to be able to give because there are significant swaths of life that I just don’t remember. And who is it who is figuring out and deciding the outgoing percentages, anyway? Who decides what 100% looks like? It’s obviously an inside job, but even then there are quite a few voices that would like to weigh in on the matter. So, I just don’t listen to any of them when they start doing math with my mantra. I just show up. As I am. As I can. I didn’t disappear. I’m not disappearing. I’m here. Showing up. Always showing up. To this moment. And now this one. Appearing here. And here. Like water. Like water flowing. Like water. Like water flowing. Showing up. Just always showing up. Peace