SHTF Part II: Peeling Away At My Self-Censorship

Cycle 12 Day 8. Sunday, April 12th. It’s 05:10 in the evening.There’s one added part of the story—just a minor detail, but still quite funny and interesting from a physiological point of view—that I wanted to add to the previous S**t Hit the Fan episode.And it’s that when I woke up and immediately felt this weird sticky fluid all around my boxer briefs, obviously it was quite immediately after I had shat myself.And the reason I had shat myself was because I was so relaxed that I didn’t have any control of the ring muscle, the one that releases at the end of your gut.The sphincter muscle.And because of that, I had shat myself.When I woke up, I was panicking, and I directly stood up.There was directly a lot of blood circulating down to this area—my upper thighs and the glute area.But I still had this latent numbness from this area not having been under my voluntary control, being so relaxed nervous-system-wise.So a lot of blood was flowing there, and I think there was some physiological reaction to the fact that I realized that I had shat myself, which made me want to contract those muscles between the butt cheeks.So there was this mixed weird feeling for maybe 10 to 15 seconds of my butt trying to tense itself, but also having this weird feeling of numbness to it.There was an interesting freakish detail that I forgot to mention to you when relaying this story earlier.And I think one of the reasons I forgot to bring up this detail was because I had willfully, deliberately thought about how I should present this topic beforehand.So my mind had gone into a space where I wanted to relay it by first tucking it in, first having a disclaimer, and then slowly going through the background until I ended up in this state.And because of that, my concentration and my focus were not as much on the details of what happened when s**t hit the fan.And my learning from that is that I will try to peel away even more of the self-censorship and the pre-structuring of any content that I do in this format.Because the whole point of this format, the whole value proposition of this format, is that it is to be instantaneous.It is to be unfiltered, raw, and the full “director’s cut”—but without the director even there.There shouldn’t be any cut.It should just be the raw, pure reflections, as much as possible, from me basically trying to dissociate mentally, when I’m speaking to the microphone here, from the fact that there will be an audience on the other side.As much as I can discount the fact that you guys are listening, the better this content will be for it.So I vow to keep moving in that direction.Even if it means I’m going to make even more of a fool of myself, I think that is the whole point with this content.And apart from my conviction that me relaying my own personal experience in this very traumatizing, challenging situation in the fullest way possible could hopefully help some of you pick out some things from it to bring into your own lives when you suffer from some challenge—...it is also just the fact that one of the main tools for me to get through this is to be this uncensored, to be this unfiltered, because that’s how I can find value in anything.It is basically building me into the most anti-fragile version of myself possible.And also, I enjoy it.I think it is core to my personality, something I have been deflecting somewhat in order to fit in.But I don’t care anymore.You take me or leave me.I’m just going to be as unfiltered as possible.And sure, sometimes I might need to wear a mask in order to remain in a certain context.But to the best of my abilities, I’m going to try and push onwards with this - consistently peeling away at my inner self-censor.And let’s see where it leads us…So anyway, be mindful of your life force, fam.I’ll talk to you soon.Namaste. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit victorsalander.substack.com