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Count me in. Three, two. That's my nickname. Yeah!
Yeah! Get down to your knees! The one is here! Yes!
That's right. When you least expect it, like in the Porter party, just BOOM! Eat in your ass! Ah, no.
Are you reacting to your life? What did you just remember Ben-Leavus here? Sorry, Ben-Leavus here. No.
Fucking tonight. How's that? I feel like... I'm the sign for that camp cousin.
I wanted a cousin immediately. I tell you what's happening because I did a podcast yesterday. I was on somebody's... Josh Potter.
And when I started, I was like, Yeah, man! It's great to be here. And then I was like, what is happening? And then I realized, it's because I was hosting X Games All Week In.
And I got used to... I had to be like, We're back and we're excited. You mean we're always excited? You're too excited.
Yeah, because when you podcast, it's like, Hey man, we're back and... Oh, okay. I've been here the whole time. Oh, you didn't book me to bring your mood down.
You just so happens you're back. I'm saying it's my bad. I came in too hot. I've got to adjust again.
I understand. I don't mind the extra enthusiasm for the record though. Okay, well then, maybe I'll stay in X Games mode. Great.
I'm pretty pumped to be here. Thank you. I'm psyched that you came. That's nice.
I'm psyched. Thank you. I'm losing it. I'm excited.
You know everybody's mother's a whore and screaming. I mean that in the night. I don't mean that. It just rhymes.
Oh, yeah. I don't think everybody's mummys a whore. ?! No businesses would be here if our moms weren't a little loose.
Right, I mean it's a real broad definition. I reckon everybody's. Some intended. It's a broad definition of a broad.
Oh, good mums have sucked it. You, Jason mentioned... Oh my babies are made by the way. Thank you.
And poor-to-potty surprises. Were you thinking of anything in particular? No, I'm just like how you know, like, toilet humor, and being at X Games, and it was, like, Twitter that were coming after me or something. So it's just like, and then I, like I, I did stand up last night and I thought of a joke and I was like, don't do that.
That's like too harsh. And then I was like, if you bring out that you were the host of X games and then you do this joke, that's almost funny in itself. And I was like, you're just dark. You know what I mean?
Like my joke, so the things that I think of are like, gross, you know? Like I don't think they, I understand how other people would. They're a little aggressive. But I also totally love action sports and talk to like 12 year old girls about how they did a body burial 540 and progression and what have you.
Cause I am into that. It's like a weird, I'm like, it's, my work is confusing me. Cause I don't want to bum anybody. You know me, dude, like I am gross, but I don't want to bum anybody out.
Every man contains multitudes and every man is a walking contradiction and even in a sense, ladies are men. Like I saw nobody was more excited about the best whip competition than you. Your son was more excited about best whip than me. I don't, your son made me, I also like my job more.
We, cause I was having trouble getting your attention. We watched, but then we were trying to beat the traffic. So we watched enough of it. It's just the same whip over and over again.
You cut out a couple early on that. And then we walked past where you are watching on the monitor and it took a while to get this guy's attention. Cause best whip is, I don't say this in a bad way. It's everybody's just doing the same trick over and over and over in a line.
And this guy is just like laser focused on the monitor going, ooh, with every single one. It was like watching Stevie Wonder play the keyboard. It's the way you were reacting. I was like watching Stevie Wonder play golf.
Yeah. Like if they're going to ask me about that one guy, I better know what that one guy did. No, it was great. It's the new one.
It's the little differences you have to notice. Yeah. And it's not my sport. Like I love motor, I grew up riding dirt bikes, but what they're doing, it's different level.
So I understand like to critique and whatnot. You gotta know a little bit or you're gonna, someone's gonna call you out. Does anybody go to Reddit? No, that's not even a car thing.
Oh, go to Reddit and the whip. People say that, but the actual, what it goes right is when you stand on the roof of your car while it's driving down the road. Oh, like Teen Wolf style. Yeah, but nobody's driving.
That's just right in the whip. Yeah, if style is had been there. You don't want to see me like this style. You did.
Also love it. If I can go back about two and a half minutes. This is my uncle. This is my uncle.
It's my uncle. Fox Doc. I mean, it's not the best. Wait, it's Fox.
Which one was it? Okay, do Doc. No, that's just him talking to Doc. Normally when you're doing a Doc impression, you don't say Doc, Doc.
Wait, that's Michael J. Fox. This is Michael J. Fox.
I gotta, damn that kid. He's late. Oh, you just went into Doc? That's a little better with the gravitational pull.
In 1985. The Doc is better. The Doc probably is better. Yeah, for sure.
That's only because the Michael J. Fox is ridiculously bad. Yeah, well, I don't claim it to be good, but I'm also doing Michael J. Fox now.
It's a, can I hear your Michael? That's not funny. That's not funny, Ben Glee. Well, he's not having a voice anymore.
And you're doing an even worse impression. If that's him now, he's very shaky. Sorry. Nice, Jason.
It's what it, I look, I love that guy. I love him too. Yeah, that is a curse. Why can't they kill that?
It sounds like they want to see you. So why can't they kill that now? Which you didn't make a close. Gloves?
Clones. Gloves too. Yeah, gloves. That's what we say.
Michael, gloves you say, Ben Glee. I'll give you a hug, but it's those huge Mickey Mouse pad at once that are like enormous. Got it. And so if he's kind of, you know, shaking around you, you don't want to get hurt.
I think it's a great invention for the Parkinson's community. I mean, no disrespect, but this is trying to help them. I mean, I was trying to do the Bill Cosby dance. And every time I saw myself in the monitor, I was like, it looks like I'm making fun of disabled people.
It'd be very clear I was making fun of Bill Cosby. And he made that worse for sure by breaking that down. You were making fun of Bill Cosby by glorifying his funny dance moves. That thing.
That's all terrible. So I was like, you shouldn't bring that up even, you know. Speaking of terrible and not bringing up stuff. Yep.
You broke up with your chick? Yep. And more so she broke up with me. I mean, it was like sort of mutual, but it was really wise.
My head cut off the monitor. It's not really going to be cut off in real life, right? Yeah, that's not really going to be cut off, right? I think it is.
It is going to be cut off. When it goes to my one shot, my head is completely decapitated. Maybe not your first shot. Go back to the one shot.
Go back to the one shot. Yeah, go back to me for a second. Miles. This is Miles.
Miles is working as the producer of the Jason L show. Oh, you're going to zoom back. There it is. There you go.
Beautiful. Yeah. It should fall apart like eight months ago. Miles is on fire today.
I think Miles is fired today. I'm just hearing you. Nobody wants to work for us. Yeah.
We broke up like nine months ago. End of October. How long had you been? Four and a half years we were engaged to be married.
And when you say it's some weird stuff they lost something here about how you, like you got to do things from the pitch to the stands to communities around the world. The beautiful game is coming to our beautiful country, uniting fans around a shared passion. Now you have the opportunity to hold this chapter of Canadian soccer history in the palm of your hands, score the FIFA World Cup 2026 one dollar coin today. Look forward in your change.
She's making you do things. Oh, that's probably true and we're having a lot of sexuals either. Yeah, it was like a she was giving it. It was like a couple of days a week or something.
A couple of days a week. No, even. We were having it like once a month on average. Yeah, see, that's it.
It got better at the end. It was like every three weeks. Yeah. So, you got to look at it half full.
That was destined to fail. I guess so. So now you can move on and find somebody that wants to have sex with you, the equal amount that you would like to. They're out there.
Oh, I know I know you would meet them. I've been hanging with somebody who is, you know, it's very much casual. You're back in the saddle. But I can't keep up with her.
Right. So, because it's out there. Correct. Good.
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I use them all the time, you guys. It's no lie. I've got, I don't want to say it, but it's he only stopped because I was coming over. Yeah.
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It's going to be a struggle boat being a comedian and trying to date people because I feel like the more I do it and now that I'm single too and I'm meeting people. Yeah, sorry about your break up. Thank you. Sorry about your.
I don't know. Thank you. Yeah, but you don't have time. You're like, well, I go out every night.
Yeah. You can just do what I do and perform less and just be home sad. You do that. That's a bad move.
You think so? I think there was a minute there where I might have, I didn't really get a choice. I think when it got really sad, I was thrown into the busiest time in my career, I think, at this point, just that much stuff happening that it helped. I think there was a week or two there where it was really bad.
But I didn't have time to feel really bad because I had to get up early and stay up late and like fly places and it just sort of took my mind off it because I was so tired whenever I had time to think about it instead of thinking about it, I just went to sleep. I found the time. It's incredible. Time management skills and I recommend everybody try this.
You could be sad as much as you want. With my new time management plan, you can be sad around the clock and just squeeze in the work. Oh, so you're father passed away? Yeah, three months ago.
Dude. I'm starting here. I know you're especially close. I always admired the relationship.
Sorry. Thanks buddy. I appreciate that. Yeah, my dad just suddenly passed away.
I was on a trip in Costa Rica two days into a 12 day trip by mom calls me one 30 morning and I was like, is there really okay? No, dad is dead. I mean, that was how quick my dad went from being healthy and alive to dead in my brain. So that was a challenge.
Yeah. Yeah, I was wild. Very wild. The good thing is that, you know, I was pretty bad after my breakup for five months and the last month I got over it and I was happy to get to my dad.
And my mom were like my counselors without the whole breakup and my dad got to like hear me happy for a whole month at the end. And one of the things that I do take blame for my breakup for is, you know, granted I think she did a lot of things that pushed me to the edge. And I don't know if this may be a problem, a lot of men have her maybe that's going to be an excuse. But I very rarely have an anger issue or I'll just get pissed about something and I'm not proud of that.
But I'll yell and I'll not act in a way that I'm proud of. And when we were about to break up in the last like five weeks of our relationship, she asked me a sort of demand that I go to anger management class. Yeah. And I did it.
And it worked incredibly. It took a four week course in two weeks. It completely changed my relationship to anger. I don't get angry like that anymore.
I haven't in the last nine months. And not one time. Not one time. Wow.
And my dad was the biggest source of anger for me and we would fight and argue all the time throughout like our whole relationship, especially the last like 10 years. And because she made me take that class, even though she pretty much broke up with me and moved out of the house the last six months of my dad's life, we didn't fight like we always did. Oh, wow. We got to have like a much nicer six months.
Now I know you can't boil four weeks into two weeks into one sentence, but obviously life didn't change and that first burst of energetic reaction to adverse things happening hasn't totally changed in you. So I have to assume that means you radically changed your attitude towards feelings of anger and the way you choose to respond to them. If you had to boil that down to a paragraph, what is it? Yeah, the main thing that I learned in this class, I was kind of mind blowing is like, I think maybe a lot of dudes react this way is like we just get angry and we think we have to express our thought, we think it just has to burst out.
And the biggest thing they taught is just anger, you don't need to get rid of your anger ever. You're always going to have anger. That's an emotion that will exist. But an aggressive response to your anger is what you can learn to control.
And so I learned I can feel really angry inside me, really pissed about something and I can just like redirect it. I can be like, oh man, I feel angry inside, but how can I best express that to get what I want, not to get what I don't want, not to implore my life by getting angry, not to and so I'll just feel angry and they're like using it on scale one to 10 and like, okay, that's like a six or seven, like I already take a deep breath and then figure out a different way to express this. And it was like a eureka moment for me. I was like, wow, I don't have to yell if I want to yell.
Like that's crazy. I always thought that like if you're sad, anger comes from being sad. Yeah, I mean, mine does. So I feel like for me, it's a cry for help.
Yeah. That's what it was the day we had a huge fight that really was starting the beginning of our undoing was she was just, you know, in my opinion, being incredibly dismissive and rude of me and pushing me to the corner, not making me feel listened to or heard or respected in anyway in my own home and the home that we were building together and that we had opened together. And then, and then I was like expressing as openly as possible. Can you please understand I'm trying to express to you now how much this hurts.
I'm trying to literally sing a word like this hurts so much. Can you please respect that? Can you please do something to show me that this matters to you and she does double down? She's like, no, that's how it's going to be.
And you're going to deal with it. It's like, I'm sorry, like at some point you get pushed into a corner. Any, any creature is going to react. Uh oh.
Sure. Right. Well, and what you're describing, we're taking your word for it. But I know you're pretty well.
I don't think you're totally making this up. Is somebody who thought you couldn't handle anger and rage and therefore needed to do something constructive to deal with those emotions who clearly could have used some of the same work themselves? Absolutely. I mean, that's the biggest disappointing thing about this breakup for me.
You laughed in a way that sounded like you were relating to what I was saying there, Jason, but yeah, you can have it. But but the biggest thing was just I was mind blown with how I was willing to accept somebody with enormous flaws without broadcasting her flaws with enormous issues. I think that I was I proposed to her after after being aware of all these issues because I wanted to love her through them and then she expected me to be without any sort of flaws, I think in the end. But now we're free.
We're seeing other people. Yes. Life is good. You've got a lot of projects.
You're busy and you are you get paid to be a comedian. Yes, I do. So that's pretty damn good. Suck about it.
You know what I'm saying? Oh, but you got to hear this and with all these trials and tribulations, Ben Glee, if you stay alive through them and you come out on the other side, shine them with a smiley face, you are a warlord and warlords live in the glory of being awesome. I don't mind that immediately. You said a wordlord reminded me of that great Saturday night life sketch when Phil Hartman was playing Bill Clinton stopping at a McDonald's while jogging on the campaign trail and he was explaining to people about warlords by stealing their food.
That's right. Intercepted about warlords. That he was just true. Pretty much.
But he's staying alive as the key point. I almost died last Saturday and how? How? I was just trying to get it.
You would never be able to guess in the middle of the helicopter. You would never be able to guess it. It's impossible to guess this. Harry was surviving another day.
He played Russian roulette before he checked out. The crazy thing is nothing makes you feel more alive. It's so true. It's so true.
It's so true. I put a bullet in a bullet in all but one chamber and I just really risk it. Wow. I was serving in roulette.
Correct. Yeah, I almost died in a very weird way. Shock dentist. That was it.
My dentist was a shark. No, you're a dentist. You were fixing a cavity in a great white shark. No.
They just keep making teeth. They just are supposed to fall. That was a trap. Don't let them trick you.
Yeah, yeah. Every type of shock, I just need to do that. Don't do it. You make an extra couple dollars from kids on the way out of the real one.
They love them. They do love a shark tooth. I'm not sure which to tell you first. I'm going to save for a moment the almost near death.
Wow. You have to know this. This is an intense bypass. It is a saving the near death.
It's freaking out right now. Should we go to break or something? Let me tease this. Two and a half weeks after my dad passed, I went out for the first time to hang with the girl that I started hanging out with and I was attacked by a dog in a crazy way.
Yeah. That's not the near death experience. Oh, man. Let's talk about AG1.
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You mix it up and you have absolutely everything. Your body is craving. It doesn't taste bad. No.
It tastes good. And it's good for you. I'm not lying. It does.
It doesn't taste. It's like kaka. You're like, yeah, I think I can do this every day. That's right.
It's actually quite easy. It's about to say on the scale of one to 10. Give it a one in difficulty. It's got 75 things in there that you need and not even one of them is kaka.
Do you ever take some pills? I'm not going to name names that make disgusting burps come up like 10 minutes later and then last for the whole rest of the day. Not going to happen with AG1. No, Michael, you're right.
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Thank them. Be healthy and help us. Please help us. Happy with the dog.
Was it full size, big one? French bulldog when it was pudgy little dog. Little guy. Little but weighs like 70 pounds.
Yeah, but they don't have any, they don't have a mouth. Yeah, you're wrong about that. You got bit. Real bad by a French bulldog in the dick.
Were you naked? No. How did it get your dick? It just did.
It was trying to murder me and or rip my dick and balls off. A French bulldog. Correct. What'd you say to it?
Nothing. This is the wildest thing. I was like you were coming at him. I had been, this one is one psycho and literally I had been texting with the girl earlier in the day.
I don't want to spend the night at your place because I don't want to get bit by your dog. Her dog hates you. No, love me before. But that doesn't sound like it loves you now.
I didn't even see the dog. The dog was kept as we were out drinking and eat nettables was kept up in her bedroom. You give the dog a funny look at your nettables? No, literally I was in the kitchen with her gay best friend, Jill in the kitchen.
He went upstairs to let the dog out of the bedroom. The dog just hears me in the kitchen. Yeah. Sprint thinks dude, dude, I don't know in my house.
Sprint's down the stairs into the kitchen without even making eye contact with me yet. His eyes in the air latches onto my dick at a balls. Got it. Got it.
Wow. And I had to throw him off of me. He like it was on there for a second. And I didn't even know I was bit.
I thought he was just being playful. Yeah. I was drunk. Yeah.
And a minute later. A minute. The dog doesn't like drunk people. Yeah.
A minute later. I was like, wow. And I go to the bathroom and the real drunk blood everywhere. Wow.
Yeah. Right. On my life. Blood everywhere.
And the girl comes in. I'm like, I have to go to the yard. She's like, no, no, it's not the bad. I think she still wanted to go up as what she was delaying it.
Wait, you show her? I did it. She didn't believe it was bad enough. Yeah.
And I called him. Because it wasn't bad enough. Oh, it was. He walked in the bathroom.
Yeah. Look to my penis and goes, he's got to go to the yard. Wait, did you get stitches? They can't stitch the testicles.
So they had to just let it heal with wound healing. That's not true. I've got stitches on my testicles. I know you haven't.
No, you haven't. It was a nick. It was not a nick. I'll show you a photo.
How dare you tell the adceration. Two-inch laceration on the testicles. Luckily, on the shaft itself was just a superficial bite. A little bit of blood.
So we'd be like, that was it. No, no, no. They took up a little bit of blood. I'm only like two-inch laceration.
Maybe they can stitch it, but they don't recommend it for healing the stitches. I mean, for healing the area, they say it's very hard to keep it dry and clean. Very wrinkly area. I just had it cleaned twice a day.
Just infected for weeks. Yeah. That's not a new death experience. It's not.
I only share that because I'll give you that. Yeah. But better than ever down there now. It helped.
Yeah. I think I held on. You might have pulled really hard and lengthened things. Oh, that's good.
No, no. So it's a new lease on life down there, you know. and balls were like blue purple for a long time. And it was like swollen.
So when I was flaccid, I had like a half chub all the time. It's pretty good look. I had a weird like lymph gland thing. It's so hot.
Swell up on me. Yeah, your bowl. It's a little slower. Oh, you're gluing.
Because they're in bowl size. You're grinding. So I had like a third ball in seventh grade. Oh, wait.
In seventh grade. How long is that a vestige of like your female organ? It's still there. It's a vestige of me being more of a man than you are Ben Gleeb, because I had three balls.
E-R for a freaking French. I also have a little bit of a thing there's a vestige of. Oh, yeah. So I do still have a vestigial thing if I'm using that word correctly where it is always there.
I can always it's like a little bit of a button that I can always think and push it back in. And I'd never check. But like an hour later a day later, a week later, it's sticking back out and I can pop it back in. I'm going to guys balls in a jacuzzi once.
And he had like three balls. You grabbed it and had three balls. Three clean ones. You let you keep one in the souvenir?
Straight up full size balls three. What do you mean clean ones? Like it wasn't like two balls in a buddy. It was like three balls.
Three full babies in there. Wow. Was that exciting or weird? I was pretty excited about it.
Really? So if you saw like three tits, would you be excited? I got you. But in terms of testicles, they have more of a sexual function than breast dude directly.
I would say you get 50% more load. Do you think so? Or there's less room for it to build up in there? I didn't ask him.
I feel like there's less room. I blew it. You blew it. That's like having extra fridge.
I think having an extra fridge in the garage. You got an extra sandwich. No, you're not getting an extra sack. It's like putting an extra cantaloupe in the garage in the fridge.
And now you got no room for beer. Your analogy is flawed. Your is flawed. It's got extra beer in the fridge.
Yeah. No, because you've got an extra ball. There's three balls ready to rock. Where's the extra sperm going to go?
Does it doesn't fill up in the sack around the balls? No. No, the balls are the come machines. They brew it and then they shoot at the door.
It's in the balls, right? Where's it gets thrown in the testicles? It's not just swimming around in the balls. Of course it is.
It's not in the testicles. Balls make cheers. Everybody knows that. What?
Balls make cheers. What are you saying that once they make? They release it. It's stored in the sack.
It must be. That's why it's a sack. No, no. The balls themselves are like nectarine pits.
They have blood and lumpids. No, it goes in your butt. Maybe it's up there. So you're saying, you're going to be saying that if I don't release for a certain amount of time, then I have extra a lot of that floating around in my scrotum.
But if I were to have sex three times in the night, then I would basically have emptied out my scrotum. I think so. I think there's a diagram. If you shoot three loads in a couple hours, you empty it.
But if you wait an hour, it comes back again. Look at that. Coming out of the balls directly through the two-be things. Coming out of the balls.
From back of the ball into the tube. Into the vast deference. Oh, I love saying that. I do.
Well, I mean, it's a vast difference from what we were thinking about. Nice. Thank you. It comes out of the ball.
It's vengeleed.com, everybody. That chart is available for purchase. That's right. There you go.
Yeah, it's fun. It's a crazy thing. It's a crazy thing too. It does.
And that's what we are doing. It's weird too. Do you have this issue? You have sometimes the ability to masturbate a lot more often than you do have sex than you're able to or interested in having sex?
No. Not only complete opposite. Really? Yeah, I'm a boner.
How about you, Michael? I don't like joking off and finishing. It's like a waste. It's a good question.
Taking that as a yes, we're out of the top. No. Because you know what I get, particular? Jason on the show of bones.
Yeah. I don't get like corny from drinking anymore. That's like the cliche thing. You want to fuck?
I get as horny as I get. Like twice as much as I ever as I feel any other time when I'm hung over. And I use that in the broadest term. I don't mean necessarily nauseous headache.
The morning after is and at that point, I either I'm with the one I love or I love the one I'm with, which is to say myself. So you can go either way. You don't care. But like that morning is like is go time for me.
You're being more like the craziest. No, but only if I've been drinking. Like I particularly remember I turn 30 and we went out on like a boat with like a bunch of drinking and stuff and people were giving me shots and I got like two drunk, like almost barf kind of drunk because it was my 30th birthday and that's the last birthday that's that still sounds like a good idea. And like the morning after I remember being like as horny as I get.
Here's the twist. The ice cream is not bone in since the 30th. Glutenomist maximates makes me want to bone. A little bit more than just an ass.
Yes. A visual of an ass. Really? Yeah.
But let me ask you something. It's like it's trying to pick a font. Like it's like it says like what's up. Put them all the little dole.
I see a button. I'm like what? That's like you heard me. I'm like I mean if you want to go I'm not scared.
I feel like you want to go. I'll go. I'm built. Yeah I get that.
Let's go. But you mentioned you're seeing somebody. I mean yeah I'm not. The nature of the relationship is not concerned.
If you are if you meet this person out and it's like sweater weather and she's got like kind of a puffy sweater on and then you guys hit it off and you go and you just met her and sparks are flying and you go back to her place or whatever and the puffy sweater comes off and picture what her breasts look like exactly. But you couldn't tell it out because of the sweater. The two that she has exactly the same three across and she goes hey some guys are surprised. Some guys this is a good surprise for some guys.
It's not a happy surprise but this is what I got. Surprise. Did that night just get better or worse for you? It's hard because the only that's my point.
Dude if you flinch from three I'm not gonna flinch I would do it. I'm not gonna flinch. You say you might be able to get it up. I've dealt with worse now.
Worse. I look the only time I've seen no I what's going on with you. I would be fine with that. I prefer to I like a space in the middle yeah but three spaces in the middle.
This is the same as the balls conversation is it more space or less I consider it to be less space it's gonna be less space if totally call us any right. How do you how do you have some titties if you want to have two spits two different scallop typewriter have to do the side thing goes but I don't go in and out of both because they're right next to each other. Speak for yourself. No one speaks for yourself.
It's like playing the double base man you don't have to use it you go back and forth when you feel like yeah or you can play a real instrument. What disrespecting the triple titty you're out of your mind. Dispecting the double base I'm not just saying. I'm just saying.
I love how defensive you guys are about thing it doesn't exist. Old ladies deserve love you're trying to like old ladies are all ladies. You're trying to discriminate because a lady's got an extra boob like what what if like I love everybody and it might be a triple boob lady listening right now and I would I love you. I'd like to see a photo be pulled up of a triple boob and let me just viscerally react at the moment.
You can't it's not the same as three boobs live. How do you know three well because I three balls in the same as three boobs. I've seen three balls and that was different. I've just do it justice.
Yeah fair enough. Hold on to me because the balls are internal. Yeah. That's the biggest reason for that.
Bresser external. Yeah. I still need to hold them to get a cool pair. Yeah.