Social Media is Destroying Your Marriage

We had a couple of people reach out and mention how they got into emotional affairs on Facebook – and almost into physical affairs. They really freaked themselves out and it’s thrown a real wrench into their marriage but they’re working on things now. While we’re not anti-social media, it’s time to realize the huge impact it has on marriage. Social media is quite a new thing. Given that we don’t have our parents to warn us about the dangers, we have to prepare ourselves for it and also figure out the healthy boundaries we want to put in place to make sure we don’t get caught up in something that we never intended or wanted to happen. Remember, very few people wake up in the morning and think, “I’m going to go looking to have an affair today.” Rather, it’s something we slide or drift into most of the time and it’s even easier to do that online than it is in person. Internet Use and Romance Let’s look at this generally to start with and then focus in on distraction, jealousy, and infidelity. A study in 2014 looked at the relationship between social media usage, marriage satisfaction, and divorce rates by looking at surveys of married individuals as well as state-level data from the United States. The study found that: The use of social media negatively correlated with marriage quality and happiness. (media use up, marriage down) Use of social media positively correlated with experiencing a troubled marriage and considering divorce. (both increased together) They continued to find these correlations even after taking into account various economic, demographic, and psychological variables that are known to be related to marriage well being. This suggests that social media plays a much larger role than we think in our marriages.[i] Another study from the same year cited another interesting statistic: 1/3 of divorce cases mentioned Facebook. They also noted that the top Facebook concerns are inappropriate messages to individuals of the opposite sex. That is a very specific use of social media which is detrimental to marriages, but what about social media use in general? The Pew Research Center did a phone survey of couples on their social media usage and how it affected their relationship. Out of the individuals that they surveyed: 71% of married couples use social networking sites 10% of internet users who are married or partnered say that the internet has had a “major impact” on their relationship, 17% say that is has had a “minor impact” and 72% said that it has “no real impact at all”. Of those who indicate that it did have an impact, 20% said that the impact was mostly negative, 74% said it was mostly positive, and 4% said it was both positive and negative. 8% of internet users in a committed relationship have had an argument with their spouse or partner about the amount of time one of them was spending online. 4% of internet users in a committed relationship have gotten upset at something that they found out their spouse or partner was doing online. These numbers related more closely to relationship tension for younger adults between the ages of 18-29 due to larger consumption of social media. 18% of online 18-29 year olds have argued with a partner about the amount of time one of them spent online (compared with 8% of all online couples) 8% say that they have been upset by something their partner was doing online (compared with 4% of all online couples).[ii] Now that we have an overview, we can get into some of the details, looking at three different areas in which social media negatively affects marriages. The point here is that you need to think about how and how often you’re using social media and make sure that you and your spouse are both good with this. Distraction and Time In 2007, Young looked at excessive internet use that qualifies as internet addiction. They define internet addiction as “any online-related compulsive behaviour which interferes with normal living and causes sever stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one’s work environment..”[iii] One type of internet addiction is spending excessive time on various means of communication including chat rooms, email, and social media. As part of the study, they surveyed individuals with internet addiction and found that 85% said that they experienced relationship problems because of arguments with their spouse about the amount of time that they spent at their computer. Excessive use of time on social media is often what leads to many of the other problems that can surface in couples’ relationships over the use of social media. So, how do you know if you’re addicted? A couple of good indications are if you find it really hard to take a break or stop, or if it is interfering with normal living. One problem that exacerbates this is compulsive smartphone use. There is a growing body of research documenting the fact that people actually experience anxiety when they’re away from their phone for more than 10 or 15 minutes. We need to be intentional about being less distracted and more present in our marriages. Jealousy and Monitoring of Partner’s Online Activities Jealousy is another issue that social media brings into a marriage. When one person uses social media excessively, this can lead to feelings of jealousy from their spouse – even if nothing inappropriate is actually going on. In turn, the jealousy can lead to monitoring of spouse’s online activities. Elphinston & Noller (2011) studied Facebook intrusion and relationship satisfaction in college students in romantic relationships. Facebook intrusion is the “excessive attachment to Facebook to the point that it interferes with day-to-day activities and with relationship functioning.” These researchers studied the links between Facebook intrusion, relationship satisfaction, jealousy, and surveillance (monitoring of partner’s Facebook use). They found that Facebook intrusion was linked to relationship dissatisfaction via jealousy and surveillance.[iv] FB intrusion -> jealousy -> surveillance -> dissatisfaction So, if your spouse is asking you to get off your phone, get off it! They may be making a bid for connection, and as we see in Episode 42: Distraction is Killing Your Marriage, it actually undermines your spouse’s sense of identity when we fail to pay attention to them. When we get distracted by social media, we actually are completely disengaged from our spouse – which is precisely the opposite reason to why we got married. We wanted to feel a connection, to feel intimacy, to know and be known. But with social media at our fingertips and notifications always pinging on our phones all of a sudden all of our open moments when we’d normally turn to each other to fill in the blanks — those moments are going to social media. Think about it. The last time you weren’t sure what to do with yourself, did you grab your spouse or your phone? Infidelity and Inappropriate Relationships Unfortunately, social media has an even dark side: affairs. Perhaps the most-cited issue when it comes to relationship problems over the use of social media usage in inappropriate relationships and infidelity. This seems obvious to us now, but even a few months ago, we weren’t aware of how easily this was happening until one of our listeners wrote us… then another… then another… When we stopped to think about it, what a sad but perfect environment to start an affair. First, we all project this idealized version of ourselves onto social media so we look like an ideal potential partner, and then we also have this platform where we can stalk another attractive person, then make contact, then get to know each other – without ever saying a word out loud or without any risk of being seen around town with someone other than my spouse. We need to educate ourselves about this, and then work on some healthy boundaries. First the education part: In 2010, researchers outlined what they call internet-related intimacy problems: “instances where technology (and the internet) can complicate a couple’s life together”. Complicate is a bit of an understatement! They look at the specific internet-related intimacy problem of inappropriate relationships that happen online. They came up with the 7 “A’s” of Internet-related intimacy problems.[v] Anonymity: Individuals on the Internet can easily hide who they are to pursue a relationship. No surprises. Accessibility: Many individuals have access to the Internet 24/7 from any location. “Social networking sites such as Facebook, Myspace, and personal webpages accelerate the accessibility one has to other connections and, consequently, the opportunities for engaging in an Internet affair.” It’s just easy. You can flirt online at home, in the bathroom, in the study, at the office, at lunch, whatever. Recognizing this means that we need to build walls around our marriage…we’ll get to that shortly. Affordability: Having a relationship online can be more affordable than real life. No paying for dinner, movies, or outings. This can also decrease the likelihood of being discovered as there is less evidence that the relationship is happening. It’s not visible on bank statements or credit card bills. The affair may not affect the “bottom line” of the household, so it can go unnoticed. Approximation: “It refers to the quality of the Internet which approximates real-world situations. In other words, what can be viewed on the Internet is becoming more close to the physical world. One can engage in particular sexual acts without participating in them in the real world, thus blurring the line between fantasy and action.”[vi] Virtual adultery…honestly you can have the orgasm and relationship without actually having sex. It’s close enough to the real thing that it could be a huge draw. Ambiguity: The nature of online behavior is that it is ambiguous and the line be