Someone's disappointed in you.

This guided meditation is meant to help you let your face fall off, to get in touch with what you’re really feeling, and to be totally yourself— whether people like it or not.I have a friend who doesn’t laugh unless he actually thinks something is funny. If he doesn’t like you, he doesn’t pretend to. He smiles only when it feels worth the effort, which means most of the time he looks like he’s kinda mad at you. This might not sound like a big deal (maybe you know someone like this too), but it is to me. I feel inspired by that degree of shamelessness.We do a lot of things out of obligation to others, to protect someone else’s feelings, or to keep up appearances. Our culture, and maybe our biology, has us focused on other peoples’ feelings and needs as our way of protecting our own feelings and needs. I can’t be ok unless you’re ok. As a result, we lose track of ourselves: what we want, what we need, and what we’re feeling in general. What if we stopped doing things out of obligation, and only did things when we genuinely wanted to, when we truly felt called to? What if every time we helped another person, gave a gift, or did something kind, it was because we wanted to and not because we felt like we were supposed to or were considering what other people might think if we didn’t? Not only would this be a far more authentic and joyful way to live, it would also make it easier for people to trust us. My deadpan-faced friend is one of my closest and easiest friends, because of the trust we have. When he laughs, I know he’s not pretending my joke is funny. And when he doesn’t smile at me, I’m not offended at all, in fact I’m delighted to be included in his unmasked inner world.Your generosity means a lot. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.The thing is, we don’t tend to trust ourselves when we have strong feelings, or any feelings other than wellness. Quite the opposite, in fact. We think we’re about to lose control, we worry what others will think if they find out we’re unhappy. But all of our feelings, including the unhappy ones, are wholly entwined with insight, wisdom, intuition, and compassion. If we don’t allow ourselves to feel, if we dismiss all of our needs and desires as second to other peoples’, we stop being able to give what’s ours to give. We rob ourselves of our own potential, and our own delight in life.Some years ago, I made it a practice of disappointing as many people as I could for an entire month. I flaked out on lunch dates, missed deadlines, left dirty dishes in the sink. I stopped doing many things I didn’t want to do. This required me to get in touch with what I was actually wanting to do, instead of focusing on other peoples’ expectations of me. I even backed out of a job the day before it started, because I realized I was going to be completely miserable, that I never wanted that job in the first place, and that I had only taken it because it was what I felt like I was supposed to do. A LOT of people were disappointed in me. And it was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. Finally, I started including my own preferences and needs in my decision-making, which meant I made way more decisions that were in line with my deeper purpose. Working that job was not going to help me thrive in life, it was going to sap me of my energy, energy I could direct in far better ways. And disappointing all those people didn’t actually cause them harm, it freed them up to take care of some things that were never mine to take care of, or to find someone who was a much better fit than I for the job.Around this same time in my life, I was on a meditation retreat, and in the middle of it I felt my face fall off. I hadn’t realized that the muscles in my face were frozen, keeping my face composed in a way that contorted it into some semblance of looking permanently hunky dory. And what a relief it was to drop it, and just let the fullness of my resting b***h face shine forth like it has always wanted to.I cannot reiterate enough that this path is not about pretending to be anything or anyone. It is about complete honesty about who you are and what you’re feeling. When you let your face fall off, what you find is that underneath all that hiding, that pretending to love, is real, actual love.What if you disappointed as many people as you could today, this week, or this month? Not to be a jerk, but to get clear about your feelings, your needs, to put down the strain it takes to pretend to be someone else, so that you can finally be yourself? You will discover who you really are, what you really want; and ultimately find that you are a far more awesome and loving force of nature than you ever imagined. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe