songs are spells

Hey Mom, I want to know what you did when you felt ugly and you felt like a monster and nobody liked you and you failed out of every single thing you’ve ever done And you get fired like it’s your job And you were never smarter than your parents and you recovered and then dove back into the deep end of a pool you almost drowned in and I want to hear about when you were yelled at and bullied and I want to know what you did when you were drowning and I want to know what you did when you were needed and what you did when you weren’t and what you did when you were burning and I want to know what you did when they froze you Into someone you were not I don’t want to live this way I don’t want to die this way I don’t want to work this way I don’t want to suffer like this I don’t want to live this way I don’t want to die this way I don’t want to work this way I don’t want to suffer like this And sometimes I wonder if you were ever the odd one out If you were ever the new kid without ever moving because I’ve just been moving forever and I’m always a kid And I’m always a kid And I’m always a kid And I just want to talk to you, Mom. I'm 35 years old and my birthday is in 5 days and my parents have me blocked and I'm an only child but I'm about to be homeless and I have a degree in astrophysics and 11 years experience in data engineering and I'm a senior data engineer but I'm fucking unemployed and I spent the last $100 on cat food, cat litter, and flea treatment. and there are spiders and cockroaches all over my food and my house and I have 6 cats and I've been fired from every job I've ever had and I can't make sense of life and I can't wake up on time and I can't even fall asleep if it isn't even on a dime while drunk at 11pm. and I want to fucking explode and implode and I want to crash my fucking car into a wall and I want to get better but I also don't want to work and I want to work and I just don’t want this to get worse. and I give all of my money away to people on the side of the road, but the universe, as it turns out, is not entropic in a way that doesn't curse good people in ways that I could live a good life. and my electricity is going to turn off with my lights, and my water is about to be shut off and I'm about to have to sell what's left of my mom. I’m about to have to sell what’s left of my mom. and the worst part of it all, is she's fucking alive. I’m about to sell what’s left of my mom and the worst part of it all, is that she's alive. and she's a fucking multi-millionaire who won't pick up my calls. sometimes songs are spells sometimes songs are spells sometimes songs are spells. (written april 2 2026)