Hi, this is Makayla with Honest Talk Radio. Honest Talk Radio is a space where we will be sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly in real raw conversations to try and do our part to reduce the amount of shame, guilt, and judgment so many of us women face. Our hope is that through these conversations, you will feel supported and encouraged in every aspect of your life. So let's get started.
Hey, y'all, and welcome back to Honest Talk Radio. I'm your host, Makayla, military styles, homeschooling on the three entrepreneur, and overall, a woman on a mission to help you navigate the uncertainties of life with ease and confidence while staying true to your personal identity. This show is about having real, raw, and honest conversations, and we will be doing just that today. In just a bit, I'll be bringing on a very special guest to share her story about transitioning from the active duty world to the Mills Falls world.
But before I bring her on, I've got a question for you. Do you ever feel like you're trudging just fine through life and then all of a sudden things take a turn and you find yourself wondering, what on earth is life about? Who am I? What am I supposed to do and how do I even go about getting there?
Transitions are an inevitable part of life, but that doesn't mean they're easy to navigate. To help you navigate transitions a little easier, I wanna share with you my top five truths. Number one, be open to fresh opportunities. Transitions are hard, but it could be the beginning of something amazing.
Number two, reach out to your friends, family, and loved ones. Again, I'm a broken record. I say this each and every week, but you do not have to do this alone. Number three, give gratitude for the things that you have.
Y'all, I have found that writing a gratitude journal has really elevated my ability to handle transitions with grace and ease, because I realized that if I hadn't gone through a transition before, I wouldn't have these things to be thankful for. Number four, take time to feel. Yeah, you heard me. Take time and realize that your emotions are real, they're raw, and they are right.
You are allowed to feel the things that you're feeling. You're allowed to mourn the previous parts of you or where you came from. For example, we're getting ready to move from Rome right now, and although I'm excited about the new possibilities and I get to be rejoined with some friends and family and loved ones, I'm taking it some time to realize that I love Rome, and I'm sad to leave the life that we've created here over the last year, and it's okay to be sad. I just can't stay there.
And then finally, number five, acknowledge your fears about the future and create an action plan. All right, well, that's kind of a do for one, but anyway, what better way to learn how to implement these strategies than by hearing a true story spoken out by a real person? So with that being said, you guys, I am so excited about introducing today's guest on the show. Amanda Huffman owns the company Airman to Mom and loves to share the stories and history of military women.
Today, Amanda's gonna share her experience of serving the military and also her transition into the civilian world and becoming a military spouse. Amanda is also the host of the Women of the Military Podcast, which has over 75 published episodes with over 20,000 downloads. She's a published author of her book, Women of the Military, as well as being published in military.com, military south magazine, military families magazine, and so much more. So without further ado, Amanda, welcome to the show.
I'm so happy you're here. I'm so excited to be here. Thanks. Well, before we get started and get really into our deep dive into our conversation today, would you share with the listeners just a little bit about your story and your background?
Sure. So I served in the Air Force for six years and during that time I deployed to Afghanistan. My husband and I met during college during the Reserve Officer Training Corps program, and we got married right before I commissioned, and he was already commissioned, and that's a long story, but we spent a lot of time apart as active duty to military, and when I got pregnant with my son, we made a list of all the reasons to stay and all the reasons to leave, and it was pretty obvious that I should get out of the military and transition, but I also didn't really want to do that. So it was kind of like, on paper, it made a lot of sense, but it was a really hard decision.
And so when my son was born a few months after he was born, I got out of the military. One of the big driving factors is when I was in six months after you had to be ready for a deployment, and I didn't want to leave behind a six month old, especially with my husband being an active duty. So that was one of the big driving factors, and that's why I stayed in for a few months, but then I got out before that six month mark. I can't even imagine what goes through your mind in having to make that choice.
Like you said, on paper, it looked like an easy choice, but internally, it couldn't be easy, because there's two aspects of what make you you. So, and plus, I'm sure there's many more than just military mom, but those can sometimes feel like polar opposites. So can you share with us a little bit about that journey, and you said it was easy on paper, but not so easy to take. Yeah, it was really hard.
So, I mean, I did the paperwork, it was kind of like a no brainer, like it makes the most sense, and it's the best thing for our family. And it was really the fact that at some point, the military was gonna ask for too much, and we both wanted to do 20 years, but at some point, it was more than likely gonna happen that he would be living in one place, and I'd be living in another, and we knew that that sacrifice was too much. And so it was like, why make all these other little sacrifices until you get to that point where you can't make that sacrifice? And so we decided to get out, or I decided to get out, and I was like, oh, it's gonna be easy.
I'm gonna be a military spouse. I'm gonna be a state of law. I'm like, I was an F.G.S. Yeah, my life's gonna be great.
And then I had a baby. And I was like, oh, and then before I got out, like the last eight weeks I was on active duty, my husband deployed, or not deployed. He went T.D.Y. for eight weeks to captain school, and I was like, my kid stopped sleeping, and I was trying to transition out of the military, and I was alone, and I was like, this is not easy.
I'm like, I'm alone with this two month old little baby, and he's not sleeping, and I still have to go to work. And I was like, yeah, so I knew I made the right decision to get out from the get-go, because I got a pretty early wake-up call of what military spouse life was like with kids. It's not so easy as, I mean, it's still hard to be a military spouse when you don't have kids, but then when you have kids, it becomes even more complicated. And I think being active duty and being like a military spouse, I didn't really understand what military spouse life was like, because I didn't have to give up anything.
I just went, we just moved to the next place, and I had a job. And so it was kind of like a reality of like, oh, I'm gonna be the one left behind, and then it became more complicated as we moved, and I was like, wait, I don't matter anymore, we're moving somewhere, and my career doesn't matter. And so it's been an interesting transition to learn. I thought, because I was involved in military spouse groups when I was on act duty, I was like, oh, I'm a military spouse, but I was missing such a big piece of what being a military spouse's and the sacrifice required that it was a big wake-up call, especially with people going to TTY and looking behind, leaving me behind with a certain baby, and I was like, what's going on?
And then I left the military, and I had another identity crisis of like, now I'm no longer Captain Huffman, I'm Amanda. And it was like a lot of things in that first year. I think it's a lot of things for everyone, but for me it was just, it was leaving the military and losing that identity. Yeah, you know, I talk on honest talk about the identity piece.
The whole mission behind honest talk international is helping military spouses stay true to their personal identity while navigating this completely uncertain life. And you hit the nail on the head when you said, so many times even as individuals we identify or define ourselves by the roles that we play. So you identified as Captain Huffman. You identified with the fact that when you did move, your career followed you.
You weren't necessarily like starting from scratch because you had paperwork and, you know, OPRs and whatnot that showed the next group of people who you were. And I think that's really interesting how you said I was going, you were going through this transition of not just losing the identity of being Captain Huffman, but also figuring out what your new identity looked like in the role, even though you were always in a military house. You were in a military house while simultaneously serving your country, but then kind of eliminating one of those pieces, you know, put you into a state of transition that it was, there's no handbook on how to handle that transition. So what are some of your lessons learned and things you wish you had known or someone had told you about that transition?
So when I left the military, I thought that like, I felt like my life was over, which is really kind of sad, but like mentally I was like, well, I deployed to Afghanistan, I served in the military, like what's next? Nothing being a mom, and not that being a mom isn't great, but it just, right, it was like, I don't know, it just didn't seem as grandiose as like serving in the military. And so I kind of was like, well, I guess that's over. And I like had this like rough time with like transitioning from being this person who like when people found out what I did, they'd be like, whoa, that's so amazing.
And then to the person where they're like, oh, you're a state of mom, that's great. And then they just wouldn't ask you any questions. And so that was really hard to switch from being able to impress people to people being like, oh, okay, like you don't matter. And I think that's kind of what we tell people when we like don't ask questions.
And we're just like, oh, okay, you were in the military or you're just a stay-at-home mom or just a military spouse. And we don't ask questions. And it's like nobody is just anything. They always have more to their story, more that they're doing.
And I think that it took me a long time to realize that it was like an emotional transition of like losing my identity and creating the new person that I was gonna be. And it was really painful, but it was part of the process. That's an annoying part is like, you have to go through these hard experiences to come out the other end. And it's like, I wish, I could just skip that.
But if I didn't go through that, then I wouldn't be who I am. So I think there's a way to speed up the process of figuring out what to do next or the right thing. But I just wish I would have known that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. And I'm serving military women in a way that I think not that it's more impactable, but it's a different kind of impact where I didn't think that there was anything I could do for the veteran community.
There wasn't any way I could serve. I thought service had to be tied to being in the military. And now I realize how much I serve my family by being the stable point since my husband travels a lot. And then serving as serving the veteran community for the sharing stories of women.
So I think that word service means a lot of different things. And sometimes people get so wrapped up in serving in the military. And that's the biggest and best thing, but it's just one little piece of how the military functions. Oh my goodness, I love that you brought up the term service because as a military class for the past 18 years, I've gone through that same like, oh, my husband is serving his country.
But in actual effect, like you just mentioned, you're still serving, you're just serving in a different capacity. You're serving your family. You're serving other military spouses. You're serving veterans by providing a platform for them to share their stories.
And we get so wrapped up in the I'm Just Day, like you talked about, that we label ourselves and identify ourselves with the roles and responsibilities that we play. And when one of those things is taken out of the mix, it we crumble because we don't know who we are as an individual. And I think you mentioned how you can't speed up the process of finding that identity. But I believe that part of the process is, and this is where what I love to do is help women find their identity along the way so that when those pieces are removed, that they can still stand in who they are inside to the core.
Because I'm sure, your values, your morals, your standards, those didn't change, those were always part of you. And they're the same then as they are now. Would that be correct? Yeah, I did go through a program because I have PTSD for my deployment.
And so I did go through that. And I think that was part of the healing process that I would have been like, I'm fine, I don't have PTSD. Like that was a long time ago. And that was something that like motherhood and the pressure of motherhood like brought out the worst to me.
And like I had really like big problems and I needed to get that mental help to solve them. And so I think I think that part of it was something that I needed to do for me but I had no idea that I actually needed. And I wouldn't have found that had I been in the military because I was not really struggling. Like maybe I would have found it on a deployment, which would have been really bad.
But it was like going through that transition and like losing my identity. I was down to the basics of who I was. And then I realized like, there's something wrong with me. Like I shouldn't be getting this angry over like the smallest things.
And so through that program, I was able to learn a lot about like how my mind works, how emotions work, give people forgiveness that I was holding on to resentment for. And so I think sometimes there's like deeper things that we don't know that are holding us back in like the mental health arena that we have to find a way to like find healing. So it's not just like, I think losing my identity was a big part. But that was also what brought me to the point where I like needed to actually fix whatever was going on in my head.
Wow, what a powerful statement in that, you know, the pressures of motherhood uncovered a side of you that you didn't even know needed help. I mean, that right there, like that, I got goosebumps. Because so many times I think society makes us feel weak if we're not always putting on this strong demeanor. And I'm sure like you talked about, I mean, the military in itself makes you strong.
Like you have to put on this, you know, I can handle anything based. And then when you talked about motherhood, your journey into motherhood and how that uncovered, well gosh, I do need help. Gosh, that's huge. I just thank you so much for sharing that.
I think that's something that so many people can relate with. Today we're specifically talking about transitions from active duty worlds to the military-style world. Are there any other highlights or even challenges that you faced in that transition with finding your fit or what the two worlds meant to you? You would mention in the beginning that military, you know, I was a military spouse.
And I took part in a lot of military-style functions. But there was a difference between how you saw it when you were active duty versus how you see it now as a civilian. Yeah, I mean, I thought that I knew what it was like to be a military spouse because I had a lot of military spouse friends. But I like, I just wasn't seeing the world the way they saw it because a military spouse, the word service, like when people say I serve too, I don't like that phrase, not because I don't think it's true, but I think it causes a lot of division between people because people who are active duty don't understand what it means to be a military spouse.
And so I like to use the word sacrifice because then it's really encapsulating what military spouses do. And it's not that it's just, I don't like using that the I serve too because it causes a lot of anger in people. And it doesn't break down the walls to help they stop listening. They were like, no, you don't serve too.
Instead of like listening to like what you say after so that they can understand. And so even though I agree with the fact that military spouses serve, I don't like that wording because it just causes a lot of like, because when I was active duty, if someone had said that to me, I would have been like, what the hell are you talking about? You don't even know like, and it has been out there again. You haven't experienced war.
Yeah, and it's like, yeah, and it's so different. And so like, if you say the word sacrifice, it makes so much sense to me. I don't know, maybe it's because I'm a military spouse, maybe there's no way to actually explain it. But the sacrifice of being a military spouse, you have to like, you essentially most often have to give up your career.
And even if you don't like give up your career, like, and you're working remote and you have a job, like every time you move or every time your spouse goes T.D.Y. Or deploys, like everything falls on you and you have to figure out how to pick up the pieces and keep going. And like, I think when I arrived, moved to a new place, it wasn't really like I had a job. Like that was awesome.
But I also had like all these people who were like built in friends. And I remember our first PCS when we moved from Ohio to California. And my husband, like all the boxes came. And my husband's like, all right, I'm going to work.
And I was like, wait, what? Like, you're going to leave me with all these boxes and a one-year-old. And like, I know nobody in the city and you're going to go to work. Like, wait, I don't think this is what I signed up for.
Partly because he always PCS before me. So it was like the first time that I had ever been like in box land. That's what my, my second year father. Yeah, he's like, we're living in box land.
I'm going to use that now. I'm going to drop him. Yeah. And so when he left and I was like alone with a one-year-old and like a house that was a disaster, it was kind of like the reality of like, oh, this isn't fun.
Like, I don't know anyone. I don't even know where to go to meet people. Like, right, we can try and go to the park and like, you have to be really brave as a military spouse because you do like go to a park or even going to a military spouse group that people already know each other. And you have to be like, I'm Amanda.
And I just moved here. And like, as an introvert, I think you've been as an extrovert, it's hard because you have to like put yourself out there. No one's, it's not like when you go to work and you like meet people because you go to work. Like, when you're a military spouse, no matter what life stage you are, you have to like, even if you're, you get a job, you have to go find that job.
And like, do all that, you know, prep work. And so I think the sacrifice of being a military spouse is really hard to explain to people because they just don't understand what it's like to move every few years. They don't understand what it's like to like have a spouse whose job is like always in the forefront. And you're like, yeah, it's like one good example is I got an interview slot with Fox Business.
And it was like a really big deal. Like, and my husband was like, well, I'm supposed to go to TDY that week. And I'm like, but it's like Fox News. Like, and I was like, so when am I going to ask to come over at 5am so I can drive into DC and go to this interview and like, I was just like, well, it's the mission and look at like the TDY got moved away.
But like, we, he couldn't support me because he has to do whatever the mission is and like, they weren't going to move the test because I had an interview. It's just, I got lucky. But I was like, okay, here's the seven people I know. And who do you think will say yes?
And then I have to like humble myself and like ask for help. And military spouses have to learn how to ask for help because there's no way you can get their life. And so that's like one example. Like, something came up and he was going to be gone and like, he can't just be like, no boss, I can't go.
Like, it's me. I have to figure out how to make it work. And of course, there's like, if you, the military spouse gets sick and like, then there's like stuff they work around. But for the most part, they have to be extreme.
Yeah, it has to be a extreme case for that to happen. Yeah, it's like, you have to go to surgery or be like on your death bed. It's worth that. The military is like, you're fine.
So yeah, even like right now with COVID, it's like, my husband still has to go to work and he's working like strange hours because they're trying to like do social distancing. Yeah, and I was at one point, I was like, this isn't working. Like, we need to figure something out. And like, he was like, well, I was like, we'll figure it out.
But it's just, it's really hard. You know, what I hear in that and what I also have done through myself is that our choices we make as military spouses are always contingent or dependent on the active duty members life. And so I actually just recorded an episode all about the word dependent and what that means and how even maybe not cognitively we think about the fact that as soon as we say the words I do and become a military spouse, you become a dependent. Which is classified as the same level as your children.
You're all dependent on this active duty on your active duty spouse. And so like you said, and I could relate so much to the fact that, you know, the choices, whether it's your career, how you're parenting, how where you're going to live, what all of that is dependent on on where and what your spouse is doing and it's so volatile because it could change at any moment. It's not like yesterday was the same as today or you know. And so when you were talking about, you know, being in box land and that was an awakening for you because it had always been, you know, your husband's case.
Yes, you followed. Those are some really great insights onto just some of the differences between moving as an active duty number versus moving as a military spouse and what are, you know, what are some of the ways that you and your husband have kind of worked through those things. Well, we talked a lot. You still working.
We were we waited six years before we had kids. Obviously, I was on active duty for six years. And I think and we spent a lot of time apart and this was like back before FaceTime. So like the first year that I was still going to school and he was already active duty like we would talk on the phone like once a day and like that was how we stay connected.
And just to think about like the way technology is now I'm like, that's kind of crazy that like we just talked on the phone. And that's how we but we have like communication is a really strong foundation in our marriage because it had to be we were separated so much that we relied on like talking to each other. And so I think communication is like the big thing and I talked to him about like how I'm feeling and I think sometimes as military spouses we get in this like feeling of like we can't complain about where we're moving or we can't complain like when I couldn't when I couldn't do the Fox Business thing, I wasn't like, okay, well, that's the military. I was like, this really pisses me off.
Like, yes. And I think sometimes like we hold it in and we're like, okay, well, you don't have to say and I don't want to go to Louisiana, but I'll just be happy instead of being like, I really don't want to go there. Like, it's okay to feel whatever emotion you feel. You don't have to be happy all the time.
I mean, we're in Virginia and I don't love it. And we talk about it a lot and we still have like two more years and we just I'm honest about like how I feel. And I think that's like one of the most important things because I think a lot of times we can just get caught up and the military really pushes you to be like, I'm in this and I'm like on board, but military life's really hard. And if you just bottle up those emotions, they're going to come out in negative ways.
So I think that's the biggest thing is like, we talk a lot and like I tell them like, this really pisses me off or like I wish you didn't have to do it. Obviously, we're going to figure out how to work through it. It's not like I'm telling them and then I'm like, and I'm just going to leave like it's telling him like how I actually feel about like where I'm moving, like him going to do why and all the different things that come up instead of just being like, everything's fine and pushing forward. So I think that's like the big thing is like we've talked a lot about our emotions and then and that's partly because of the PTSD stuff, but then I don't lie or keep my head in feelings.
I tell him like, this is annoying. This is frustrating. Right. And that I think that really helps for like everything.
Absolutely. I think communication is a is a foundation of keeping a relationship strong and growing and to be able to grow in it. You know, I love that you talked about how you don't have to be happy all the time. You don't have to pretend that you're strong and you know inside you're sitting there saying like this really sucks, but on the outside, you're portraying this.
Yeah. Okay. Honey, this is great. Like it that to me built is an opportunity for resentment to grow and to build up and my motto is let's be resilient, not resentful.
And I think you really hit it home run and talking about how communication is the road to resiliency and not resentful because, you know, when we hold it in, it's those not it just takes one moment to trigger those feelings. And then it comes out in a explosion as opposed to, you know, gradually saying like, gosh, this really stinks. This is not, you know, I don't know that I signed up for this, but it doesn't mean by voicing. I don't know if I signed up for this doesn't mean I want to get call it quits and be done with it.
It's just, I don't know if I signed up for this. So let's figure out how to, you know, make it make it work. So what are, I know it's men, you know, they typically try to be like, Oh my gosh, my wife is telling me that she's not happy. How do I fix it?
Would you say that your husband takes on that responsibility or is it just more of he understands you're using him as a sounding board and No, he knows that I'm just using him as a sounding board. And I think that's like an important like boundary. You need to talk about when you're like expressing what's going on. And one of the things I was thinking about, like sometimes when I'm like, this is really annoying and he's like, it's bothering me too.
And like, sometimes I think we think like when I was active duty, we had to do exercises and work 12 hour days or work night shift and You know, do all these things. And I didn't want to do them. Like, I think sometimes we're like, Oh, they're like so great because they're at work and like I'm at home and I wish we could switch results roles. But sometimes when I talk to him about like what's stressing me out or what's bothering me, then he tells me like his side of like how he's seen it and like what struggle he's having like, he goes T.D.
Why a lot. So he misses the kids doing like this and that. And so I think it's like an open communication where we're both talking about like what parts are hard and what parts are we're enjoying. And that way it's not like a Like obviously he can't fix it.
Like we're going to be in Virginia for five years and like there's nothing he can do except next assignment. We're going to go somewhere else. But like he doesn't even have control over that. That's going to happen.
No matter what. But I think it's just having that like open space where you can talk and like even about like little stuff. Sometimes he like nip picks me and I get annoyed with him and then he like he doesn't tell me like why he asked me this question. But when I'm like, why did you ask me that question that really annoyed me?
He'll be like, well, and then it's like 17 different things that like he thought because he's a deep introvert. So he's like, well, I was thinking about this and then this and then so what came out was like something that made me mad. But then when he explained like his rationale, like why he asked me a question or like why he didn't fix whatever was wrong without like talking to me about it. I'm like, oh, now I understand.
But sometimes if you don't ask like, why, why did you just do it that way? Like, why didn't you just say like, and then I talked to him and then whenever he explains like why he says what he says, I'm like, oh, that makes sense. But I never would have. I don't think that way.
So I don't see it from his perspective. So it's more like an open dialogue and not him trying to fix things. Well, I love the fact that you talked about how asking the why behind the question helps you understand his process of getting there. And when you understand the process of how he got there, because it's so different than your process of getting there, you can have you can communicate about it effectively as opposed to just hearing the question surface level and not knowing the intent behind it.
And I think that, you know, this has kind of become a story of, you know, less than on communication. But again, it's so important. And I think as military spouses, you know, mastering the art of communication in the process. But once you do, it can open the door to to so much in this life, like, you know, to be able to share the this is the state.
But then also be reminded, like you talked about where your husband's like, you know, it's not all me, those butterflies on the side. Yes, I get to go to work, but I'm missing out on this. I'm having, you know, I'm exhausted from this. I'm dealing with, you know, all these other people that need me or whatever the case.
I remember it just as a quick side story. My husband, when we lived in Vegas, he had an hour drive both ways. And then he worked 12 to 13 hour days, plus the hour and I was home with little kids. And I would get to the point where I'm like, it's just not there.
I wish I could have an hour drive to myself to be able to to think and have my own thoughts and not be influenced by all the little ones around me, you know, making me think that I do. And he's like, you know, I could see that he saw my side of wanting that time, which then we worked through it. And I was able to then find another time where I could go and, you know, be by myself. And at the same time, he's like, Michael, you don't understand.
I need that because if I didn't have that hour drive, I wouldn't be able to come home and be the father and the husband that you need to be because what he was leaving at work, he needed time to leave it at work. He needed time to decompress and switch groups mentally, you know, transition mentally into, I'm no longer at war. I'm now at home with my family and that, you know, those are some things that we don't consider all the time. And being on both, having had both sides of it.
You know, that's, I love that you and your hasn't talked about it to remind to remind you of the two sides. Well, and I think sometimes military spouses, well, they don't know a lot of stuff because like they don't like they're not taught all this stuff. Every once in a while, I'll be talking to someone that will be like, you speak really military for being a spouse. And I'm like, well, I was in the military.
They're like, oh, but I think a lot of times military spouses, they don't really know what questions to ask. So that makes it hard because you don't even know what to ask. But I think if you do have a question about like, why are you doing this exercise? Why are you working so many hours?
Like, you should be able to ask that question and like, find out the reason because there is a reason. It's not because your spouse just wants to be at work all the time. It's like, maybe and like sometimes it's classified and they can't tell you, but they can tell you like something's going on at work. And so I have to work so many hours.
But I think that's like one of the things that I think military spouses feel like, oh, I can't ask about like his job. I just have to accept whatever the situation is. But you can. And like, you should learn because if you learn about like how the military operates, then you'll be able to better expect like what's coming, like different things in the news.
You can be like, oh, he's going to be working a lot or I guess I can see because there are military spouses. But it's just if you have that, the communication is just so important and like having a safe space where you're like asking questions just to learn. I've learned so much about my husband's job just by even though we don't talk about work a lot, but I talk a lot about like what's going on and like he's in the space stuff. So we watch a bunch of launches that happen all the time.
And like, I mean, they're not that exciting to watch, but they aren't kind of excited to watch the time. But yeah, like the one that just happened with the SpaceX, but like someone was posting like the first launch on American soil and I'm like, no, they do launches all the time. You just don't know about them because they're satellites and they're not like people. So it's been really cool to like learn about like the stuff that he's doing and getting involved and learning about that because then I can see like how the world is influenced by the work that he's doing.
And then it's not that it's not a sacrifice, but it's like at least I can like sort of see like what's for a reason. Yeah. Yeah. So you two weren't in the same career fields.
You were in two different career fields. Right. Yeah. Okay.
And so what would you say because a lot of spouses or the active duty member, you know, they don't, they don't want to share with their spouse with their, you know, the one that's saying home or the one that's not in the military because they want to just be like, that was that world and now I'm home. I want to be a father. I want to be a mother. I want to be, you know, a husband or a wife.
And so I have found through the years that there's some military spouses that don't know because they want to keep or maybe their active duty member wants to keep it separated. So what would you say for those spouses? I mean, I would find a military spouse that I could talk to if my husband or wife doesn't want to talk about military life. And I also think that you need to like preface it.
Like I'm not asking you this because I'm like upset. Like I really want to know about what it's like to be in the military because it'll help me as a military spouse. So support. Yeah, because it's just like when my husband's like, why don't you do this?
And I'm like, why are you asking me? Like, why are you asking me about the 10 things that I did do? And like, and then when I ask him, like, why do you ask me that question? And then he gives me like, I think the same sort of thing.
I think sometimes we as a military member think like, Oh, they don't want to hear about it. They're just being nice. But maybe like you actually do want to and you can explain like, it'll help me understand what you're doing and like, if you're in the military for the long call, it just makes your life easier as a military spouse to understand like parts of like rank and like all these things where for that person who's in the military is like natural. So they don't even think about it.
So I would just ask the question. And then if they don't want to talk about it, you could explain why you want to know the answer. And then if they still don't want to talk about it because it's like something they really don't want to talk about. See if you can find a military spouse that you can talk to about those things so that you can start learning because like a higher up military stuff, not higher up, you know, like you, you've been in 18 years.
Someone that's been in for a long time. Yeah, not that there's rain on the call ourselves. See if it's been around a long time. I prefer not to say old because all those days I feel.
I prefer to say seasons. But yeah, you know, I love that because honestly coming into the military, you know, as a young spouse, I had no idea what to expect. You know, my husband was in ROTC and I honestly just thought he was playing. I'm like, what do you, what is this whole military thing?
And then when life got real and we got married and he was legit now an active duty member in the Air Force, I had two choices. I could embrace it and try to understand as much as I could. Like I learned acronyms and just so that when he's at the table talking to a buddy, I wasn't completely lost. And then I jumped right in to get involved and it didn't mean, you know, there's seasons of my life where I've been more involved with military sales organizations and then other seasons where I hadn't been because maybe my kids needed me more or whatever.
But, but having an interest and creating a safe space for my, my spouse to talk about it helped both of us not feel isolated when it came to his world and my world. And so with that being said, what are, what would you say are your big takeaways that for anybody that's listening today? What are some of the big gotcha big takeaways that you want to share with the listeners? I think the first thing is that military spouses have to do a lot of sacrificing and I think a lot of it goes unnoticed and it's just like expected and doing air quotes because it's like expected of you to like do all these things.
And so people don't even talk about like how hard some of those sacrifices are. And so if you're struggling or if you're out of place where you're not happy or if you lost a job that you really liked and now you're moving across the country, it's okay to feel sad. And those sacrifices really are hard if you talk to like a civilian who doesn't move and you tell them about your life, they're going to be like, wait, what do you do? Like, that's crazy.
And so I think if you get in like the military bubble, people sometimes are like, whatever your life's not like you're talking about beginning comparison. It's not worth it because, but I think you have to, you have to realize that those sacrifices are hard and they really matter. And what you're doing for the military, the military doesn't tell you this, but the military couldn't function without military spouses. Like they need military spouses and they don't give them the honor and sacrifice and like they just, you're dependent, like you said, and they don't care about you the way that they should.
So don't let the word dependent and the way that the military sometimes treats you determine like your worth and your value because what you're doing is important and the military needs you and your husband or wife really needs you to. Yeah, you know, I love that our current higher leadership has really spoken to the fact that the military spouses are a huge asset to the military and truly, you know, we're never going to get paid for the job that we do find that, you know, in terms of dollars, but at the same time, each of you matter and make a big difference. When the active team member and the spouse can come together and kind of what I'm hearing you say Amanda is tackle it as a team. It's going to be, it's going to be a much more enjoyable experience.
It's going to be a much more happy experience in this life. And so, but in all of that still stay true to who you are and know who you are as an individual. And so I really loved that you talked about communication and know your work. And those are kind of the two two things that I heard you say repeatedly through this through this discussion was just communicate and know your work.
Any other parting parting words. I don't think so I don't think so I just I really love military spouses and I think that they're so important. I think that's obvious if you listen to the video but I'm really thankful that military spouses brought me in. I know there's some stories of like active duty and military spouses having like a divide, but when I was active duty, the military spouse community supported me.
And so it took me out to dinner before I was going to deploy and I still don't know how they did it but like all of a sudden they all had like gifts for me for when I left and I just felt so loved and like part of the group and I really think that military spouses and active duty women have so much in common. We're just looking at it from like two different angles and so we can actually be advocates for each other and we can support each other and so if there is an active duty military spouse who wants to get involved, let her get involved or let him get involved. So that way they can help help you see the world from away. Maybe that can be that person you talk to I said find a military spouse maybe find an active duty female or male whatever your gender is that you can talk to about military life that can help explain those things so just we're more like than we are different so let's build that unity instead of like the divide that sometimes is there.
Oh wow I love that. Some of my dearest friends are active duty spouses or dual military and you know what you said about being able to see a different perspective and I think going along with communication that being able to embrace and understand another perspective is a huge part of this life because you know they do mesh. They do they do need to come together and you can learn so much from each other like you said being part of the military spouse community as an active duty cells opened up your eyes to some things and then some things you just couldn't understand until you understood yourself and that's okay you have to go through that transition as we like to say so I just I feel like we could talk all day long. We'll start wrapping this up but Amanda thank you so much for being here and for sharing your perspective on being transitioning from being an active duty member to a civilian and being open and honest about about the struggles that you face and how you kind of you know gone through those challenges but you're you know you're working through them and I'm sure it's going to be a continuous work in progress for years and years to come but I just I'm very encouraged and inspired by you so thank you.
Please share before we close with the audience and how they can find you and learn more about an end up. So my podcast is Women of the Military and if you're a military spouse and you don't know anything about military life and you want to hear it from a woman's perspective you can check out the podcast because I interview women well this week it's kind of funny because it's Father's Day I interviewed a guy but almost always I interview a woman and talk about their military experience and so you can check it out on whatever your favorite podcast app is or you can go to my website which is Airmen to Mom.com slash podcast and you'll find all the podcast links there and then you can find me on social media Facebook Instagram Twitter I think that's everything I'm filling in. Oh I linked in and I'm Airmen to Mom on there too so that you can find me my favorite platform is linked in the one that I forgot. Awesome thank you so much I really appreciate your time.
Thank you. Thank you for listening to today's show. If you'd like to come on the show and have an honest conversation about connecting relating and encouraging women contact us at hello at honesttalkinternational.com. Also don't forget to subscribe to this podcast so that you can be in tune with all the great happenings.
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