I'm gonna sing and I'm gonna smoke machine. Just relax, it's happened all the time. Okay. Okay.
Are you ready? That's my warning. Yeah. Alright.
Three, two. And we get back, ooh. I love the... Thank you.
Welcome to the show. You can always tell when someone's... I'm gonna... It's gonna be good when the guest thinks that the singing was fun.
I thought... What was the thing about that? Some people get uncomfortable, don't they, Michael? Yeah.
I liked it. As long as you're not trying to court me by singing to me, I'm happy to have singing. Have I told you that? I didn't know acoustic guitar, so I'm very comfortable.
I'm coming here. No, I don't do that. Okay, good. I never did that.
Yeah, never did that. That's good. You're a cool guy. A pretty cool guy.
Definitely try hard, that's for sure. You try hard to be cool. Yeah, I don't anymore, but I tried so hard for so long that it's just instilled in me. I think once you've tattooed your scalp, you've earned it.
Okay. I never thought of that. Yeah. I think that you've proved your point.
We get it. Do you have any tattoos? I don't. I was either gonna get a zillion or zero and I opted for zero.
It's pretty classy. If you'd gotten a zillion, what would some of them have been? I mean, obviously classic dog portrait on the thigh. I'm not that kind of a girl.
The first set I wanted to do, I wanted to get Andy Warhol's early sketches on my ribcage. Wow, that is. And that was an appropriate response from the other room. That's why we haven't done it.
Yeah, if you had been like, oh yeah, I've got some sick tattoos. Oh my God, maybe this isn't gonna work out. You don't like Andy Warhol's early sketches? Not as a, it's your first tattoo.
Why not? Why would you go to my first tattoo? In a bus, in a busky out tramp stamp. Yeah.
That's a great idea. See where workshop in here. It's too classy and alternative. You're like an artist.
But I truly like love Andy Warhol. And the thing was like he was making fun of art. You're very sophisticated, aren't you? I'm not really.
You seem like it. I'm from Union, New Jersey. When you do your show things and you do the read thing about some news and stuff and you attack it. It's very witty.
Oh, thank you. If I was gonna hit on you, I would probably not to because I would know that sooner or later you would get to know me and know that I'm just a basic animal. Wow, we got so deep so quickly. Why not?
Yeah, no, no, no, no. I mean, that's an interesting observation that you have. I mean, I have a hard time in relationships in general. So it wouldn't work out, but it wouldn't be your fault.
You seem like a tough, sophisticated New York City girl and New York City girls. There's New York City hoes and then there's New York City girls. And I mean, Tim about intimidated by them because I'm a hoe. Yeah.
And I'm like, you're gonna figure it out sooner or later that this is unhealthy. Right. I mean, I'm a bit of a retired hoe at this point. Not like I don't know.
I just was like, got to a point where I'm like, I rather watch TV at home with my dog. I don't know. Oh, no. Yeah.
No, in a good way. Yeah. Yeah. You don't miss sex?
I mean, I still have sex. Yeah, but not as much as you did, you're saying. Yeah. It's become more selective.
I mean, easily you were like, seriously, I hope. I mean, I guess sex with people where you were like me, I guess. Oh, yeah. I gotta try it once.
Yeah. To know it's like a buffet. You gotta be like, no, that looks good. Trust me.
You know, maybe. Yeah. I'm a giant hoe. I gotta know.
And then when you start comedy, like you're like, oh, I love funny people more than anything and then you have just so many funny men all around you all the time and you're like, I just have to have sex with all of them once. Yeah, sex with a funny guy. Oh, it's almost exclusively funny guy. I thought you weren't supposed to have sex with your colleagues.
Who made that up? Somebody that I had sex with that was in the game said that you're not supposed to do it too much. There's no rules in comedy. You see what's happening on stage as a circus.
Yeah. I mean, especially funny, funny is attractive to me. Also female comedians, we don't really have our pick of the litter. Like I had, I was drowning.
Okay. So before I started comedy, I was doing great. And then once you pick up a microphone as a woman, the pool from which you get to choose from of men really goes down. It really, it well dries up.
Why? How would a guy, like how did you meet men before you got into comedy? Just walked around. Okay.
So once you start doing comedy, when you're walking around the day after you did your first open mic, how the hell did they know that you're a comic? Too much. I mean, they just, well, I mean, no, they don't. But as soon as you say that your comic, like my comedy partner and I, we both signed up for Raya a while ago.
We're both off of it. It let me in. It won't improve me. You can pass the recommendation.
I don't have Raya. I'm like, I'm pretty sure. Wait, Miles has- He's not Raya and I'm not. Well, he is the only producer in the podcast game who routinely habitually wears sunglasses now.
I thought one day he was just tired, but apparently that's just his friend. He is so about some idea. Dingo's been coming in. He's just inspiring me.
It looks nice. What is going on? I said I would get you on Raya. It's kind of dark in here.
I know. There's a guy in the living room with sunglasses on. That's pretty much what's happening. I love it.
What's you going to get me on Raya? This is also- I'm going to get you on. We can both refer you. Yeah.
We've been on. Yeah. So you can have two referrals. Seriously?
I'd be happy to. I would really appreciate it when we get on there. I just tell me who, if you run into any Spice Girls just tell me because my ex-boyfriend matched with Aeryspies. One of our friends said with the Spice Girls.
Are you serious? I'm not sure if Raya is the best one though. I just need to be on all of it. Are you on an even more exclusive thing?
What's lit? I don't really use them anymore. But the thing with Raya is it feels more like a social media app than an actual hookup app. I feel like people talk to a famous person on Raya or match with a famous person more so than they're actually down to go on there and like- What gives you that vibe?
Hookup. Well also I'm not Jason Ellis so maybe you'll have more success. Yeah I think I'm an actual famous person. No shade.
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Yeah. I mean I'll just, I'm a non-famous person. But you also don't look like that. Like for me I met, the only app I've ever met a serious boyfriend on was Raya and he had like a more alternative look too and so he stuck out which was incredible.
So you'll stick out so if someone's into your look you're going to clean up because everyone has boat shoes. Boat shoes. Yeah. What's that?
Like those like slip on, I mean, slip on no socks. I'm on a yacht with that I don't own but I'm going to photograph it as if I do. Why does everybody take a photo next to the Eiffel Tower? Well that's a little different.
It's not. It's like, oh you went to Paris. Sucker Bo cares. Look at me.
I like fine dining. I've been to the Eiffel Tower. I'm like, you're a hoe bag. I'm giving you anything.
But you go to Paris and not take a photo of the Eiffel Tower. No. I'm not cool. Yes.
Yes you would. I've been there like 10 times. I took a photo next to the freaking tower. Are you serious?
I've been in a photo with one but I didn't want to be. It was just like a group. All skateboarders get through the tower. I'm like, oh God.
Non-consensual Eiffel Tower. Yeah. I'm so sorry that you went through that. Check it out.
I'm like, I'm going through the train. And everyone's like, let's get off and see the Eiffel Tower. And I was like, okay. I'm going to McDonald's.
Right. And I went to McDonald's and got back on the train. Okay, cool. I need to see it.
You know what I mean? Well, I'm going to McDonald's and other countries is one of my favorite past. I have beer there. That's why I went.
Well, I'm going to do it. Well, I'm going to do it. Yeah, and beer. More importantly.
I went to a McDonald's in Venice and they just played Sex Bomb by Tom Jones on a loop. Oh, I love that. I love that. I think they wanted us to leave.
That would make me stay longer. I'm like, wait, have we heard Sex Bomb six times in a row? I can catch you too. You could turn me on.
Yeah, that was a TV show. I've used that for the theme song. That's how catchy that is. I can stay in that room listening to that six times.
No problem. I have a compulsive disorder. I regularly listen to songs like 50 times in a row. Me too.
Racking ball. Miley Cyrus. If you listen to it 50 times in a row, you can use it. No meaning comes out of it.
Yeah, I would not have prepared to investigate that. I'll take your word for it. I have listened to Silver Chair like 80 times. Oh, wow.
One song. Yeah. That's the way to do it. I can move on to the next song.
Yeah, because if you listen to it 100 times, it's like I watch Meg, I don't have anything that could have been a movie, but I watch Meg all the time because I find new things in it that are extra dumb and it makes me laugh. I watch John Wick all the time and the equalizer. I watch You've Got Me, that's the one that if it's on, I'm sitting and watching it. There's something very comforting about it.
That's a New York City girl. You've got Me, specifically? There's no explosions in it. No, I've seen John Wick.
Have you seen the movie? Oh my God. A movie about a lady, a New York lady in the frustrations of her mind and dating a guy. And is he controlling me or am I friends, liards?
Just the emotions of some lifeless bitch. Right. It's a whole movie dedicated to her wanking off about nothing. What's it called?
Ellie drooling. Who? Alice Darling. Alice Darling.
Alice Darling. Alice. Yeah. The dumbest movie ever.
I never saw this. Yeah. Good. Sounds like my alley though.
I love wanking. It's a very, right? Yeah. I feel like you would enjoy this.
It's a nonstop wank. Yeah. It doesn't stop joking off. I need to know this.
You know, so you like explosions, but not a lot of emotions. I like emotions. Like John Wick when he's dog died, he was pretty emotional about that. Okay.
That was very sad though. That's what I'm saying. They make me go, you better get all those guys back and their friends turns out, spoiler alert, he does. Yeah.
He does. Yeah. There's a lot of violence in those movies. Such a sweetheart.
Yeah. But he really wrecks bad people. It's almost like there's a secret part of him inside that's devilish, but he's a saint. It's very confusing.
Must be tough to live in the mind of John Wick. Yeah. Yeah. He's like a Robin Hood but with violence.
He's like a lady. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm troubled too.
I'm not very good at, like he's better at shooting and stuff, but I definitely feel like I would pull someone's face off and eat their brains. Wow. If they were to do something really bad. Like I'm ready to kill.
See me like a Robin Hood but like a cannibal. Yeah. Well, I want to get the message into this person before they die that you're bad. You know what I mean?
You're so bad that I'm eating you. Hey everybody. I got an event. I got an event.
Carnival of combat. I was like, oh, that's what I was on. And then I give the remote to like their wife. And then they get electrocuted while everybody punches him in the head.
It's really funny. It's November 4th. And it's in Tampa. And you can get tickets right now if you go to carnivalofcombat.com.
And there's like all kinds of different seeing VIP. Lewis J Gomez is trying to fight this dude. And if he beats that dude then he's trying to fight me which means I have to come out of retirement. And all these people are going to be mad at me.
But don't worry about it. I'm going to not do that. He's not going to touch my face. But I think he's going to lose.
And the only way you can see it is if you go to carnivalofcombat.com right now and get tickets. I'm excited, right? Yes, I'm very excited. What do you want me to say about it?
That was not that. I'm very excited. I like your confidence. But I am concerned.
See me potentially die. I thought your time was don't die. It is. You just said see me potentially die.
Jason, don't die. Okay, don't watch me. Don't die. There you go.
That's the best comment ever. Watch him not die. Yeah. Come out live.
Please. In Tampa. What's the level of bad to get your face eaten off? I'm listing a kid.
I thought they were going to go there. Usually pedophileos is how it gets there. Yeah, I'll end you. Yeah.
I'll do that. I'll be like, right, stop conquering the world. Just give it a chill pill. Wait, is it killing the molester or being a successful comedian?
No, yeah. Successful comedian. If that works out and I have time after where I'm still physically able. This would be a golden parachute.
This would make my golden parachute would be to work with the police that are looking for those guys. Instead of taking them to the courts, they bring me in to finish the job. They're going to keep giving you hot leads after the first couple of faces are removed. Yeah.
That spreads a word around. Yeah. I mean, the cops have a guy that will eat your brains while you're alive and make videos and stuff. I think there's a cool name, like a scary name.
This is work. My friend Danny Polish told me he's a comedian in New York. Just told me about this thing the other day that another comedian is doing. I think he's a new guy.
His name is Colin. He does this thing called the newly-ped game. Are you familiar with this? Okay.
He pretends to be a child, lurs in these predators. Wow. Let's catch a predator. But then makes them answer game show style questions on camera and says if you get these questions right, we're not calling the police and then calls the police anyway.
It's incredible. Must be so fulfilling. Yeah. He gets kicked off a lot of platforms.
For busting pedophiles. Yeah. Because apparently you're not allowed to. I think it's where you're just putting them on camera and then without the door.
What about when that guy, Joe, Doug, in front of George Michael in the bathroom and then George shut up and then they arrested him? You shut your dick first. Well, it's not like a sting operation or something. Yeah.
But that's still, if I'm minding my business in the gay bathroom, maybe I'm looking at a dick, I don't know. That's my business. Obviously, not somebody that's fighting to get away, somebody that wants it in my mouth. And I'm like, hey, look at this dick.
And you go, that's pretty cool. Look at mine. Right. You're a baby, trap me.
How do you think Beverly Hills PD selected the cop who had the pleasure or the chore of going and masturbating for strangers in the bathroom? Wait, it was here that that happened. It was in, I forget if Beverly Hills or maybe Century City. I know I played softball in the park.
It was a bathroom in a park. Interesting. I hope maybe they were like, listen, you're going to get all the good holidays off this year if you just do this. Or maybe there was like, oh, there's one guy here who I don't think would really mind.
Right. That's more like it. It's like, who's jerking off at work anyway? I've met in a bathroom to suck off or suck me off.
They might have been a cop, but they were into it. That's how you break the system. Yeah. One by one.
Yeah. Is it a crime? Right. What about if I do this?
Is that a crime? How many times have you done this? I used to do it a lot. I used to go, there was places I knew where it was always popping off.
So I'd just go in there and somebody would blow me in minutes. I'm kind of jealous that men can do that. Yeah. Which is crazy because you could do it, but nobody will organize the space for it.
They don't have girls out in the jerk off boost. Right. And not even trans girls. Nobody's allowed in if they're girls.
Right. And I'm like, why would they not want to bone too? Because I met girls that want to bone. Yeah.
You know, some of you are wanting all the time. You love cum. Yes, that's true. Right.
So those ones aren't allowed in there. And I think it's unfair too. I think it's unfair too. She'd be allowed to beat one out there as well.
I think it's a little in the vibe. You can start your own places. There's a Korean spy that I go to not anymore because you get STDs too much, but everybody sucking each other off in the steam room. Everybody.
I've been there where it's like 30 guys all blow on each other. Wow. Incredible. Yeah, it's pretty cool.
It's like you feel the energy of it. Yeah. You're like, damn, everyone is horny in this room. You make it a bunch of dudes blowing each other seem so masculine and hardcore.
I think it's really good for the community. It's really fun. Even if you don't get a blow job watching a naked guy because it's also informational. Yeah.
If you don't stay in shape when you get to 70, your ask meat will fall off the bone. And it's just like this other thing that's detached in a bag. You're the bag. Yeah.
So it's real bad. Some people's balls are big and they got little weenies and a lot of pubes and I'm like, oh my god. That's crazy. That's his penis.
He has to use that for the rest of his life. That's insane. I bet you somebody had sex with him too. I bet you multiple people did.
Crazed. I mentioned that guy's married with a wife and kids. He probably goes to the golf, putting range of kids. One time a gay guy tried to fight me in the locker room.
He had a bad day obviously and he came into the sun and it gets sucked off. I get it. That's not pathetic. And I was there and I was on my phone for a second in front of my locker.
And he goes, really? And I go, me? And he goes, yeah man, you're going to use your phone. I'm like, oh yeah.
It's not illegal. And he's like, I'm trying to use a locker. He's like, that one there? He's like, yeah, I'm like, you can use it.
And he's like, oh really? And I was like, yeah really motherfucker? I mean, I'll let you go a couple of smart-ass remarks, but maybe shut your fucking mouth. And he was like, oh, it's like that.
I'm like, it can be dude. No problem. We can go right now naked. We're naked.
I thought it was kind of cool. I was like, that would be 300. Yeah. It's kind of raw.
He was like balls and punches. That's cool. So yeah, he backed off because he realized it was going to work out. And then like a week later he was in there and he blew me.
I was like, oh, I guess we patched things up. Well, I feel like men don't stay mad at each other a long. So that's nice. Yeah.
And I knew it. I almost said it, but I didn't want to provoke him anymore. I'm like, you're obviously having a bad day and I get it. But I'm the wrong guy, you know?
Oh, I thought you were saying it. And here's some of Daddy's come. But that, but I'm the wrong guy. It was also good.
That was next week. Right. Corin, you said you used to hoe out a whole bunch and you don't anymore. Let me ask you something.
I was like, you made that sound like very marmal officer. You used to be a giant hoe bag. When did you turn the page and stuff me in such a slack? I was like, I'm not going to start to this question.
It's fine. Thank you. Like to me, I used to go out and do a bunch of dumb stuff and partially I grew out of it. But partially I realized that my batting average, the number of times it turned out the way I wanted it to was so low.
And the number of times it turned out way worse than that was so high that I'm just barking up the wrong tree here. Not to me. If you had a bunch of great experiences, you know, if you more often than not had a wonderful experience where you met a guy and you shared a joke and you wrote poems on your side that you got tattooed and you never even got his name. Right.
Do you think you would have been as inclined to spend so much time watching Netflix with your dog now? No, no, because I mean, for me, it was more like my work became much more important than going out and having sex. It's not like listening everybody. That's what it takes.
I don't even need love. I need success. I'm going to do some sets. I mean, that's true.
It just gave me more fulfillment. Like nothing but like to me, as good as you're going to come is not better than writing a new joke, writing a new joke and making it work on stage. Like I truly believe that. I've come as hard as I'm going to come.
I think I don't know. I don't think so. Okay. Hang in there, Chip.
I let a new trick a couple months ago. What was the trick? I'm banging you know, missionary. Okay.
And then I make you straighten your legs. Okay. And then I put my legs over you. And then it's kind of like, and then I like do a like a jam straight down.
Oh, over my legs or over my shoulder? Over your legs. Okay. So it looks like it looks like it.
How does he bang her in that position? Right. Real good. That's how I do it.
Sounds like it'd be great for your chorus. Well, I can do it if you flip over. I can do it that way too. I want you to teach a master class but in just boning.
I did a class on eating butt once. Yeah. Because the person was like, you might be the best ass eater I've ever been with. And that was an amazing class.
Can you do a tutorial on how to. Yeah. Okay. Amazing.
It's a nice that we all have our place in this world. Yeah. It's like lesbians when they do the cookie thing when they're in a vagina with their two fingers and they do this weird hook. Yeah.
I've been working on it one of them taught me for a long time on her vagina. So she was like, now there'll be more like this like that. And I was like, okay. But I can still tell when I watch, I think he's a him now.
When he does it, I'm like, what, how come you're so much better than me? It's just a flick of the wrist. How can I not do that? Well, you also have like big like fighter man hands.
Yeah. You know. So I think sometimes it's like helps if they're like more small and agile. My fingers are agile.
Relax. You want little girl fingers? I can play guitar. I'm never going to be happy.
I think these are good because they're fat. Right. I know. Sometimes maybe you won't, you don't have like the dexterity that you need.
That's good. Thank God. Yeah. I would never.
Yeah. Long nails or dirty nails and then just as you're a vagina, you're like, oh my God. Get that out of here. Yeah.
That's crazy. That's not good. Yeah. Dirty nails and sex is like, I didn't even, when I was younger and I used to like playing the dirt on my hands and sandwiches was okay.
All right. But then I got to a certain age where I was like, what's your hands? Yeah. Animal.
Right. They're like working on a car or on a dirt bike and having oil on your hands and eating sandwiches. If you wash your hands in front of everybody, they'll call you a pussy. So you got to eat great sandwiches.
You have to. I did not know that. Yeah. So I was growing up.
If I was like, oh wait a second guys, I've got to go wash my hands. Everyone, I would be known for. As the hand, that hand wash and queer. Yeah.
Great. Good for you mate. Yeah. The left is straight out of the jiffy loop.
Yeah. I'll never be a jiffy loop again. I mean, I feel like that's toxic to ingest that stuff. Yeah.
Not if it's just a little bit on the bread. Just a little bit. I didn't dip it in oil. No, no, no, I understand.
Still still feels dirty. Yeah. Yeah. But it's not that bad.
No, that's good. I'm glad you're still here. I feel like there's more germs in people's houses sometimes than some motor oil on your sandwich. Honestly, you're probably right.
Or like when you get postmates. There's something I postmates that like a bunch of people taste your food or mess with it. I know. I can't think about that.
I love it too much. And we want to think that when the business puts the sticker on the paper bag and that really protects it. Yeah. Yeah.
That's cool. That's a fun one. Yeah. I only started getting into that past couple of years.
That was a good new. It is in a more mature move, I believe. Yeah. Because at first when I was younger, if you did it, I'd be like, what the?
Right. You just do that? Well, and I find a lot of men don't, I don't know, they're not really into anything that feels like sexually violent. And you think that they would be from how much they seem to dislike us when we're clothed and walking around the world, but didn't translate.
Come on guys. I was a lot packed into that sentence. Thank you. When you say, I don't know if I fully answered your horror question either.
No, I feel satisfied in that. Okay. When you say like sexual aggression, however you want to phrase it, you think guys don't like having it directed toward them or guys don't like directing it in a playful way in a wanted way towards women. I feel like they feel a little uncomfortable directing it and they certainly don't like it directed towards them.
Huh. This is just my personal experience. I mean, obviously, you know, I'm sure he's out there somewhere. Yeah.
Point is Mr. Shokes better. Sure. That's right.
Guys, giving me point is used to be ego crushing because I'm like, wait, you're saying that I'm not doing it perfect? Oh, well, I'm not thinking I'm point, you know, in pointers, I'm just spitting my mouth. That's not like a pointer. Okay.
I'm an idea for a fun thing to do. You can ask anything. Yeah. I'll do it.
Wait, what is your favorite, like, thing that is maybe each other is considered sexually deviant to do? I want to take her off to the Patreon show too. It's gonna take a while. No.
No, no, no. What's what's to regular people you're saying? Well, I don't know. So for instance, I never actually got in the chance to do this, but I always really wanted to do blood play.
Yeah. So you've done that. Did you do it with an actual registered nurse or? No.
Okay. Because that's the part that scares me like because you can really mess something up. So did you do it? My arms on the outside with razor blades.
Okay. And then she would suck the blood out and make it bleed way more. Well, I like that. And then spit it everywhere while she was doing stuff.
Hell yeah. Yeah. The first time she did it, she had blood all over her face. It was all over me.
And she was on her knees in front of me blowing me like a devil. And I was like, I think I'm in love. This is great. I like everything about that story.
It was, it was, I was like, I think this is the one. Now, did you do any kind of like STI tests before that? Or you're just like, yeah, she looks fun. STI, like, I could get AIDS.
Yeah. Yeah. No, I didn't think she had AIDS. I wasn't even worried about that one.
I was starting lower on a totem pole. No, I didn't ask her about any of that. And she wasn't sleeping with other people. She was a crazy lady, but she was not a like ridiculous person.
Right, right, right. She did one time when we were doing it a lot. Like the blood plate was happening almost every time. Were you getting lightheaded?