Spiritual Bookshelf Episode 71 :The Practice of Feeling at Ease: The Courage to Be Ordinary, Part 4

Hi everyone, welcome back to the show. I’m Phillip. Many people study hard, work long hours, build a personal brand, and chase achievements. On the surface, it looks like they’re pursuing excellence. But if we’re honest with ourselves, we might ask: am I doing this because I truly love it, or because I’m afraid I’m not good enough? When your motivation comes from “I must win,” what you’re really chasing is superiority, not stable confidence. And superiority is fragile. The moment someone outperforms you, you start doubting yourself. That kind of confidence depends on rankings, titles, awards, and numbers. Once those external labels shake, your inner security shakes too.So what is real confidence? Adler offers a simple but profound answer: self-acceptance. Real confidence doesn’t come from beating others. It comes from knowing that even if I’m imperfect right now, my existence still has value. This kind of confidence is quiet. It doesn’t need to show off. It doesn’t need constant proof. When you can accept both your strengths and your limitations, you’re no longer terrified of failure. Because failure no longer means you, as a person, are a failure. It just means something didn’t work this time. When someone lives in constant comparison, the world looks like a battlefield and everyone else looks like a rival. But when someone lives in self-acceptance, the world starts to look like a place of collaboration, and other people become partners instead of enemies. There’s also an important difference between focusing on results and focusing on process. If you work hard only to prove yourself, you’ll be terrified of making mistakes, because mistakes seem to say, “I’m not good enough.” But if you believe you already have value, you can treat mistakes as part of learning. Kishimi also reminds us that accepting being ordinary doesn’t mean going with the flow or giving up independent thinking. At the same time, we need to be careful about another trap: being different just for the sake of being different. Some people deliberately oppose everything or act rebellious just to stand out. On the surface, it looks independent. But deep down, they’re still controlled by other people’s opinions. They’re just seeking attention in a different way. True ease means that even if you choose the same path as everyone else, you do it because you genuinely want to, not because you’re afraid of being excluded. The key is always your motivation, not the form of your behavior. The book gives many everyday examples. In schools, for instance, some children realize that if they can’t get attention by being “good,” they can at least get attention by being “bad.” For them, being scolded is still better than being ignored. So how can we apply these ideas in real life? Let me suggest a few simple practices. First, remind yourself daily: “Even if I don’t achieve anything great today, my existence still has value.” It sounds simple, but if you truly take it in, it can slowly change your attitude toward yourself. Second, reduce unconscious comparison. Social media often makes it seem like everyone else is living a more exciting life. But what you’re seeing are carefully selected highlights. Try muting or unfollowing accounts that trigger anxiety. Bring your attention back to your real, present life. Third, practice expressing different opinions in group settings. You don’t need to attack anyone or become emotional. Just calmly state what you think. That’s a way of taking responsibility for yourself. Fourth, learn to distinguish between “what I truly want” and “what others have, so I think I should have it too.” A lot of anxiety comes from confusing other people’s expectations with our own needs. Thank you for listening. I’m Phillip. I’ll see you next time, and we’ll keep practicing this feeling of ease together.