Staying Together for the Children Psychology of the Daf Eruvin 41 Rabbi Simcha Feuerman LCSW-R, DHL

The Daf from a Psychological Perspective For Mareh Mekomos Click Below שְׁלֹשָׁה אֵין רוֹאִין פְּנֵי גֵיהִנָּם, אֵלּוּ הֵן: דִּקְדּוּקֵי עֲנִיּוּת, וְחוֹלֵי מֵעַיִין, וְהָרְשׁוּת. וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים: אַף מִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ אִשָּׁה רָעָה. וְאִידָּךְ? אִשָּׁה רָעָה מִצְוָה לְגָרְשָׁהּ. וְאִידָּךְ? זִימְנִין דִּכְתוּבָּתָהּ מְרוּבָּה. אִי נָמֵי, אִית לֵיהּ בָּנִים מִינַּהּ, וְלָא מָצֵי מְגָרֵשׁ לַהּ.לְמַאי נָפְקָא מִינַּהּ? לְקַבּוֹלֵי מֵאַהֲבָה. The Gemara asks: What is the practical halakhic difference that emerges from this statement? The Gemara answers: It is significant as it teaches one to accept those afflictions with love, knowing that they will exempt him from the punishment of Gehenna. יבמות סג, ב אמר רבא אשה רעה מצוה לגרשה דכתיב (משלי כב, י) גרש לץ ויצא מדון וישבות דין וקלון ועוד שם סג, ב היכי דמי אשה רעה אמר אביי מקשטא ליה תכא ומקשטא ליה פומא רבא אמר מקשטא ליה תכא ומהדרא ליה גבא בן יהוידע שם, ועוד עיין בן יהוידע על שבת יא, א Seems to learn it to be a metaphor for weaponizing sexuality and using it to tease and torture her husband. משלי י״ז:טו דֶּ֣לֶף ט֭וֹרֵד בְּי֣וֹם סַגְרִ֑יר וְאֵ֥שֶׁת מדונים [מִ֝דְיָנִ֗ים] נִשְׁתָּוָֽה׃ An endless dripping on a rainy day And a contentious wife are alike; A couple of points: It seems Ben Yehoyada defines an אשה רעה as someone who weaponizes sex. It seems that there are circumstances where one is permitted to divorce or even should divorce, but must stay due to financial considerations or child care. I think it is important to analyze and generalize some of these ideas expressed by these Gemaras because it is easy to use or misuse general statements of chazal to reinforce self-rationalization. After all, let’s get one thing clear and out of the way, the Torah is described as דְּרָכֶ֥יהָ דַרְכֵי־נֹ֑עַם וְֽכָל־נְתִ֖יבוֹתֶ֣יהָ שָׁלֽוֹם׃ Her ways are pleasant ways, And all her paths, peaceful.(משלי ג:י״ז) so the upshot of any teaching cannot be to cause misery and suffering. The challenge here is that the Gemara is not coincidentally in the same position as a couples therapist. If you try to bring out the side of one party with the best of intentions, often the other party feels like you are biased against them. Any Gemara about Middos and human nature is subject to many qualifications and circumstances. Having said this Introduction, let us try to understand what this Gemara might be saying and what it probably is not saying. There is a relationship where a person uses withholding sexuality as a form of emotional blackmail. Obviously this is an unhealthy relationship and needs a resolution. At the same time, there are many circumstances where a person is traumatized, hurt or feels unsafe emotionally and that being sexual is damaging. The rabbis were obviously not referring to such a situation. And, even in the scenario where there is spite, there might be history behind that behavior. It doesn’t excuse the behavior but it does mean that every effort needs to be made to get to the bottom of the problem. Regarding item number two, where the Gemara discusses both the imperative to get divorced and the situation that might compel a person to stay, it would seem that we can extract some universal principles from it. It also is reasonable to say that if the principles sees universal than they may apply to both genders, despite being expressed according to one gender’s viewpoint. The two universal principles seem to be: (1) If an impossible and intractably cruel situation cannot be resolved, even if it does not involve physical abuse, it is not considered improper to divorce. (2) If there are substantial financial needs or emotional needs of the children, and one feels compelled to stay the correct attitude is to consider it a form of suffering and penance. I would like to add a psychological footnote to item number two: There are times when encounter spouses who see themselves as “righteous” and “suffering under the tyranny of an immature or difficult spouse.” Now, I am not saying such scenarios aren’t possible, they obviously are and the Gemara is referring to such as case. However, in my experience the majority of the situations such as this involve a spouse whose own behavior is a significant factor in the difficulty, and instead of looking inward at the causes, takes on his or her suffering like a martyr. It is far easier to live an entire life suffering as a martyr than it is to experience one painful moment of self-honesty and introspection. It is easier to die al piy kiddush Hashem than it is live that way, and it is easier to be miserable with mesiras nefesh than it is to be happy or honest with mesiras nefesh.