Stop Bottling Up Stuff In Your Marriage

I find it’s pretty easy to avoid conflict. I kind of stockpile the issues until it gets really big and then I feel like I’m ready to talk. But the irony is: that’s actually when I’m least ready to talk. As soon as I open my mouth I know it’s not going to go well. So if avoiding conflict and bottling everything up until I burst isn't the answer, is there a better way of approaching conflict? We have an intriguing topic for you this week. Today we’re going to be looking at one of those things we are all doing wrong in marriage: avoiding conflict. I know that sometimes I find myself cataloging a list of issues I want to bring up with Verlynda. And then I kind of realize this is going to come out as way too much at once. It’s like we villainize the other person and adopt this belief that they won’t hear us unless we have a really exhaustive list of how bad they are. Or like we have to build up a comprehensive “case” against them, rather than just addressing each small thing as it arises, or our points will be rejected as being too “small” or “petty”. Avoiding Conflict Leads to More Conflict I want to start by asking you to consider whether you might have an avoidance orientation in your relationship. An avoidance orientation just means that you attempt to avoid conflict during conversations. A study from 2015 observed that couples who have this style of relationship often experience “communication difficulties and the perpetuation of avoidance [1]” They studied 365 couples and found that if you’re more avoidant, you’ll be more reactive to your spouse’s negative behavior. So avoidant spouses are more likely to explode when they are having difficult discussions because they’ve been bottling up issues and resentments for so long that eventually the dam just bursts and it all pours forth. So basically if you think that avoiding tough topics and just keeping things calm is a good idea, the research shows- and your experience probably resonates with this- that avoiding these issues actually leads to less productive discussions when you actually start talking about what matters. As we said in an earlier podcast episode: talk about it sooner before it's a big deal. Crucially, the study found that this was independent of relationship satisfaction and neuroticism. This is important to note— firstly because it doesn’t matter about how good or how poor your marriage is, avoidance is still not helpful. Secondly, when they say it is independent of neuroticism they are saying this is not about one spouse being a nutcase. This is not one person’s fault. It’s simply a matter of a technique that you’re using in your marriage that just doesn’t work. Of course, I get why we do this. We want to keep the peace. We don’t want to upset our spouse. We don’t want to rock the boat. We say things like, “Happy wife, happy life” and if that means keep silent and don’t complain, that’s what we do. Does that sound like a God-filled marriage? All over the Bible, we are told both to forgive and to exhort each other. In Ephesians, we are told to speak the truth in love. In Colossians, we are told to teach and admonish one another in all wisdom. Gary Thomas talks about this in his book, Sacred Marriage, and he points out that the purpose of marriage is to make us holy, not make us happy. When we avoid topics we need to be talking about, we are thwarting one of the purposes of marriage: personal growth and sanctification. Conflict isn’t fun. But: it leads to forgiveness, where avoidance does not. And, if done in the right way, it leads both you and your spouse closer to God’s ideal view of your marriage. Why Do Couples Avoid Conflict? Before we go to the “how to” of stopping this bottling up of stuff in our marriages, let’s take a look at why we avoid conflict in our marriages. There’s a number of reasons why we do this. Research has shown that: Poor marital satisfaction (not being happy and almost preferring to keep evidence rather than challenge the status quo) Depression (why bother — defeating thoughts, self-worth is diminished so we don’t assert on behalf of our needs) Relational uncertainty (I might lose him/her) Generalized anxiety (continuing to fret or worry over issues rather than address them) A study from 2000[2] looked, for example, at the relationship between depression, marital satisfaction and couple’s use of avoidance and attacking conflict resolution strategies. They found that depressive symptoms were significant predictors of avoidance in both husbands and wives. And they found that poor marital satisfaction was a significant predictor of avoidance in husbands. I think the latter is likely due to the fact that in most distressed marriages (though not all) the most common husband-wife pattern is withdraw-attack and the withdraw of course looks like avoidance. On the anxiety and uncertainty side of things, another study looked at couples reuniting after military deployment. The returning service members described issued they avoided discussing upon reunion and over the first three months of homecoming. The researchers found that when generalized anxiety was present the service member would be willing to discuss deployment but was more likely to be reluctant to talk about reintegration issues and the couple’s relationship. In other words, it kept them from discussing what matters here and now in the present — what was going on in their relationship today. They also noted that individuals who experienced more relational uncertainty reported more topic avoidance[3]. If you think your relationship is in danger, better to keep quiet about issues that are bothering you then risk everything by having a serious argument or uncovering a major difference in opinion. Ironically though this belief that avoiding conflict helps secure the relationship would probably make things less secure— if you’re afraid to broach issues then you’ll never grow as a couple and you’ll spend a lot of time feeling like you’re walking on very thin ice— one wrong word and it could all be over. Again: let’s not be hard on folks here. When you’re not certain, you don’t want to make things worse, right? I get that. But the challenge here is that the desire to not make things worse leads to not addressing what needs addressing, which keeps things worse. To be blunt: what you’re trying to do to save your marriage is not working. And I know what you’re thinking: “Well, last time we tried to talk about it just got worse and I was on the couch for like three weeks”. What I suggest is this. Not talking about it is not working. Talking about it is not working. So let’s change how you talk about it. And to do that, let’s change how you look at these issues. How To Move Forward When You Want to Avoid Conflict I think it’s really helpful here to look at the issues we face in marriage in terms of what Dr. John Gottman calls solvable and perpetual conflict. Solvable conflict is conflict that can be resolved through positive problem-solving styles. In other words, you just need certain skills in order to successfully solve these issues. And anyone can learn skills. We teach these skills, by the way, in our Talk To Me 101 course. It’s only $97 and will be a huge help to your marriage if you just need these basic skills. You can learn more about that course at talktome101.com Perpetual conflict refers to problems that cannot be solved. These occur when there are fundamental differences in values, assumptions and dreams. For example, you dream of dying with your boots on running a cattle ranch and your wife wants to spend your golden years by the lake, just being quiet and enjoying friends away from the pressure of having cattle around. Significantly different religious beliefs can also be a source of perpetual conflict [4]. So perpetual conflict is a really tough one because, ultimately, you cannot solve the problem. So you need to look beyond finding a “solution”. What I want you to know is that we’ve created a practical exercise in PDF form that is available to our much-appreciated supporters and patrons of our podcast. Downloading and using this exercise will teach you how to peacefully dialog about these perpetual conflict issues. You can get this by becoming a patron of The Marriage Podcast for Smart People. The thing to note here is that solvable vs. perpetual is not about how long you’ve fought over it. You may feel that all of your issues are perpetual because you’ve been fighting about them forever. But perpetual conflict is defined by fundamental differences in values, assumptions and dreams. Not about how long you’ve struggled to solve the issue. So don’t be too quick to drop everything into the perpetual bucket and throw your hands up in the air. The second thing to note is not only do you have to get things into the right bucket, but you come at each of the two things differently. Address Solvable Conflict For solvable conflict, you want to use positive problem-solving. There was this really neat study in 2014 by Scheeren et al[5]. Basically, they looked at conflict and said, OK, there are two ways to come at it. One is an attacking conflict style and the other is a positive problem-solving style. Not surprisingly, they found that for both men and women marital quality increased when positive conflict resolution was used.  So I’m going to tell you right now what works. Positive conflict resolution looks like this: Avoiding personal attacks, insults and loss of control Focusing on the problem, constructively discussing differences, and establishing agreements Finding acceptable alternatives for both spouse, negotiating and compromising So that is how you come at solvable conflict. We look at this in a bit more detail in our podcast about collaborative conflict style. Use skills, find a positive outcome, look to build each other up and be willing to co