Stop Calling It Attention Seeking And Start Listening

Send us Fan MailIf you have ever caught yourself thinking “They’re doing this on purpose,” this conversation offers a different path: wonder what is happening inside the child, not just what the child is doing. We talk about mentalization, the practical skill of understanding our own mind and someone else’s mind, and why kids do not learn it from advice or books. They learn it from being held in mind by real people in real homes, through thousands of small interactions that slowly become their inner voice.We dig into what family environments help mentalization thrive: curiosity instead of certainty, questions instead of assumptions, and a steady message that feelings can be named without being shamed. We also get honest about conflict. Misunderstandings are inevitable, and even the most attuned parent will miss the mark. What changes everything is repair. Coming back with “I didn’t understand” or “I got angry, I’m sorry, help me understand” teaches that relationships survive mistakes, emotions can be talked about, and connection is not withdrawn when things get messy.We also challenge a label that can shut down empathy fast: “attention-seeking.” Through a mentalization lens, we ask whether it is really attention-needing, and what need the behavior might be communicating. The episode lands on a reassuring standard drawn from Donald Winnicott’s idea of the good enough parent: not perfect, but willing to reflect, stay interested, and keep finding the way back. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a parent or therapist friend, and leave a review with the most useful question you’re taking into your next hard moment.