Hello, Daddy Gang. Before you watch this episode, I need to do a quick little disclaimer. You need to watch this episode. This is not one of the episodes that you should be driving in your car and listening to.
This format is a visual experience, so please, please, please, make sure you're watching this. Also, reminder, you can watch this on your TV, download this by app if you have Apple TV or if you're Roku, and you can just sit back and watch like it's a full show. So enjoy, that's how I'm about to watch it. Here we go.
That is up, Daddy Gang. It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with Call Her. Okay, we just got to Chicago, and Lauren is one minute away. I want to just shout out the Four Seasons because I did not know they even knew I was coming.
I'm not kidding you, I just booked a room, thought like in this show I got like a little bit bigger room because I wanted to podcast in the room. I just show up. Also, I love Daddy Gang. I just want to show up to the Four Seasons.
There's three girls that walk outside. They're like, Hi, Alex. Hi, and they work in Four Seasons. Like we upgraded you to the Presidential Suite.
And I'm like, Daddy Gang, I love you. So they bring me up here. First of all, look at this. They caught me in the custom robe.
This little eye mask. How fucking cute is this? Oh my god. Oh, I can see you in here.
Is this bigger than your first New York apartment? Are you kidding me? My first bedroom in my New York apartment was probably smaller than this area right here. I like to call this my closet.
That's what people think when they first come in here. So I have the smallest room in this apartment. God bless my fucking soul. Yeah, that's the room.
Dude, this is insane. Come over here. This is insane. I feel like this is like a whole fucking apartment.
Oh my god. 100 CHD. Dude, I'm dying. Welcome to Chicago.
And they photoshopped the Four Seasons Hotel Chicago as like a collard now the episode. Lauren's in free. Lauren is coming with this suitcase. She's like, I'm doing a vacation.
This is a fucking vacation. Hello. I'm Cass here. I feel like what issue is.
We want to sleep in the same room. Yeah. Not only do we like to sleep in the same room, we want to sleep in the same bed. Oh my god.
Don't be an Elizabeth at the Four Seasons. I love you. Thank you so much. This is going to help so much with this episode.
This kicked off the whole weekend on a different level. Someone that works with me, Jordan, shout out. She started as my assistant and now she's climbing her way up the ladder to call her daddy because she's been working her ass off. We've been working on the new studio.
We've been having mental breakdowns. I need to flanger out when she needs to come with us. We're going to go back out. Get Jordan out.
How do I go about this though? What do she plans? Friday, March 31st, 8.15 a.m. gets turned at 225.
Perfect. I know that when I did the John Mayer episode, Jordan couldn't be in the room because John wanted no one in the room while we were recording. So Jordan was in the house while she's like listening to John Mayer play, but she's like not in the room. And afterwards I can tell she was just like, oh my god.
I was like, torture but amazing. Like I wish I could have been there. We have to bring Jordan out. She's been working her fucking ass off at work.
Like I also just left Jordan and I want her to be part of this. She deserves to see this man in concert and to actually meet him. So I'm going to call her and see. I know what she's doing.
She may have plans on Friday, but I'm going to offer to fly her out and let's see if she's down to come. Let's call her. Watch her be like, I don't listen to my Friday. I go to my boss.
What is happening? It's something like a three day move. Wait, is that crazy? I think there's like nothing there.
Did you move it or something? Yeah, I don't know. They were lowering it a little bit. Okay, wait.
Um, go into the other room. I'm going to ask you something. I just wanted to know if... What?
Is that it? If I wanted to come to Chicago? Yes. If I go to a final Friday, we do come to the concert with us.
We want you to come. I'm like, I'm sitting here. I'm like, it's not right that you're not here. You didn't get to see him play.
I'm going to love to. I'm thinking so much. Of course. Of course.
I was like, Jordan, it doesn't feel right that you're not here and you're not gonna come. Wait, I'm freaking out. Yes. It'll be so fun.
No, I thank you so much Jordan for like handling all this. Oh, why not here. Let me be cry. You want me to come to Chicago?
It's time to walk past. All right, I'm ready. We can play. We can play.
We can play. We can put the pants on. Oh, because we're gonna be sitting here. We don't want everyone to see our labias.
Maybe we do. You wouldn't mind. I would. The reason really I don't want people to see my labia is because I'm not so proud.
It's more because like, you don't get that shit for free. Pants on, under the ropes. Are you tight and secure? I'm tight and secure.
I niple my pop, but like, it's not like I haven't seen before. As if I could get Aaron. Like Aaron's elegant. Like Aaron's elegant.
Okay. We'll see you all marry couple in our rows. Okay. Here we go.
Every time we travel together, we're gonna have some new rows. All right. Let's podcast. Oh my god.
I'm like, I'm nervous. Excited. Okay, daddy gang. Welcome to the Chicago episode.
I am a company by my best, best, best friend. Lauren Lauren. Her name is Lauren. We call her Lauren.
Let's cheers. I'm so happy. Cheers. Cold coffee.
Nothing better. It's so cold. I want it to act like it was so warm. Like, um, welcome to our episode.
I'm so fucking happy to have you here. Lauren is back. I'm back. Why did I just call you Lauren?
I don't know. I don't like it either. Let's actually start with that. I call Lauren.
And that's what kind of everyone in Lauren's life calls her. And so every time I post you on the internet, people are like, is her name fucking Lauren or is it Lauren? So let's, let's debunk the rumors. Your name is Lauren McMullen.
Yes. Your friends and family calls you Lauren. And I think it stems from your mom having her southern accent. Yeah.
My mom was so southern. And when I was in second grade, we moved from Texas to Pennsylvania. And she had a wild accent. And we'd be in the soccer field and she'd be like, Lauren.
I'd be like, isn't it most constantly screaming like, Lauren. And then to me, she'd be like, Oh, like, it was a lot of like, everyone loved her accent and still has it. She still has it. Um, that actually reminded me how long have we known each other?
Second grade. So what, you're seven. So 21 years. Oh my God.
That's probably my, one of my longest friendships. We've been best friends for 21 years. Yeah. We have this bond.
I feel like that is so much stronger than just like a friendship that you see because it's like, there's so many layers to what we've been through together. And it's like one thing to like, meet a friend at some point in your life and be like, this is my history. It's like, Oh, like you've lived my whole history with me and like, not even from a distance. Like our families were like intertwined in it.
Fast forward. Here we are now. And it's so crazy to say like, you then were just like, at my engagement. Oh, I'm not wearing my ring also just to clarify because it's over.
It's over. It's fucking over. Sorry, Matt. I'm moving to Chicago.
I love the four seasons. No, I am. I'm not wearing it right now because but when we're recording this, I am still haven't yet released that episode to the world. And I know there's so many daddy gang in Chicago and I'm so excited to see all of you.
But my luck would be like, someone releases it before I get to say it. But let's go back to your little news. Um, Miss, I'm in a relationship. I'm so happy for you.
I'm happy for myself too. You now have a relationship and it's so crazy. My days on the streets are over. I'm calm.
I'm chill. You're gonna see a different side. I mean, this episode, I might have a few drinks, you know, like fast forward, like black out on the floor at the bar like fully tanked. When you see a diamond, it shines so bright.
Please explain how long have you been in this relationship? Tell us all the tea. We've been together a little bit over a year now. Um, like I thought I was a pretty happy person and like I didn't know it was like possible to be like this happy.
Oh my God. And your cheeks are like red and brown. Tell us how you guys met. We met, um, on a New Year's Eve trip, I was going with a girlfriend.
He was going with one of his guy friends. They were siblings and they had a house in Tahoe and the first night I get there and he wears glasses and his room was where like the laundry was and I had to go in and like it's like one in the morning and he's like sitting on his bed like doesn't have glasses on and I walk in the room to like put laundry in and he's like, Hi, like can't we see these glasses on? And I was like, Hi, I'm Lauren and he can't see me. So I'm just a blob in his mind and but I was like, Oh, I'm gonna hook up with that man.
I remember you texting that person. I was like, there's someone so hot on this trip. Like, and at the time you were like still single. You were like, I'm just going to go for it and then you send a picture because the next day someone took a photo of you guys and you were like, Oh, yeah, I'm like, he's so fucking tall.
He's so cute. Like what the fuck? And then it happened. Well, I played the slow game, obviously.
And obviously, no, obviously, you're from your track record. It's like not slow. Yeah, you're right. So you did play the slow game.
Well, because we were there for a full week and I was like, you know, like I got to do some slow build up. Like I don't want to just like cook up on the first night and I got a slowly drop hints. So he says he didn't even know I was into him until like the last night with New Year's Eve. And we were out of bar New Year's Eve and he went to kiss me at midnight and I literally swear to him.
I was like, I got nervous. Wait, what? I love the first night your text to me. Like, I'm going to hook up with this person for days goes by New Year's Eve.
Like I'm working it playing the long game like dropping it laying my moves and then we went to time came my frozen. And so you swerve him and like, what did you say? I don't I think I was just like weird and awkward. And but then like an hour later, I got a little more liquid courage and then I was just like grab his head and was like, that is sad.
And everyone on the trip was like, yes! That's also so you of like being like, I'm going to do it. And then like lightly in the moment being like, should I be doing this? Overthinking it.
And then like on your terms going right back in an hour later. Okay. So then that was in Tahoe. And then you realize you both live in Chicago.
Yeah, because I feel like I had been meeting a lot of people. Like they lived in California. They lived in New York. And I was like, oh, this like can't be anything.
And I had only been single for a year at that point for my seven year relationship. And like, in my mind, I still wanted like, I wasn't really done being single yet. Like when I met him, I was like, oh, like that was a fun hook up in Tahoe. Like he's a nice guy.
And then we realized we live in walking distance to each other. So then I was like, cool, I have someone to have sex with in walking distance. And like, that was that. Right.
I do remember that where you're like, it will be nice because I'll have like a hook up buddy that's like close by and like I don't have to uber. Yeah. Lauren's thinking so logistically. And I'm like, that's great.
And I will say, Lauren and I, most of our lives in terms of relationships, we've always been on different pages. If you're in a serious relationship, I'm like, fucking 12 guys over here and being like, I've got like all these different side pieces and situationships. And I'm like going through it. And then all of a sudden I get into a serious relationship and a healthy one for the first time, basically in my life with Matt when we moved to LA.
And you become single. And then I was like, I kind of want to be single with Lauren. Like it was like, it was hard for I think us in the beginning to be like on such different pages. And you and it's like something unsaid of like for friendships, you can be on different pages in romantic situations.
But it's kind of hard. Especially if like you're living together and like, if you're single and you're in a relationship, like a fun night out for a single person is probably like, how can we like go meet as many guys as possible. And for a person who's starting a serious relationship, it's like, oh, like I want to like go and join like a nice dinner with you and go home to my partner. Yes.
And so we were like on such different pages in LA and we made it work for sure. But I think it was just so we were so aware that like, whoa, we're in such different places. But now you're in a healthy relationship. And you brought your boyfriend to the engagement party.
And I was nervous though, because I didn't know if that was like a weird move. So like, no, bring your boyfriend to someone's and could you never met him. That was the crazy part is she's been dating him for a year. We've FaceTimed.
Yeah. We FaceTimed and like, lightly spoken, but like you live in Chicago. Like I've never time you come out to LA, you've been alone. So I've never met your boyfriend.
And so the best part I think about that whole situation was how well we got along, like me and your boyfriend, and then how well our boyfriend's got along. I know after the trip, I was asking my boyfriend, I was like, oh, like what was like your favorite moment of the weekend? And he was like, I got to say it was smoking that cigar with Matt. And then simultaneously I'm in bed with Matt and I'm like, oh my god, like what did you think of Lauren's new boyfriend?
He was like, I like him so much. Like we had such a great conversation. And like he's really someone that you can like get deep with and talk about like everything. Like, I felt like I knew him for so long.
Like he's a great guy. Like we should totally do couples trips. I was gonna say like that's like the thing that's like now we're in like different pages, different pages. But now we're finally like synced up.
Our cycles are matched up. And we can go on a couple of things now. Because I remember like almost like a year, like a little lesson a year ago, I'd been like maybe we'll do couple of trips. But like I was like, I don't know, like what if Matt and your boyfriend don't get along or like nothing?
They don't get along. But like a little nerve wracking when like we get it's like, I don't feel like a disappointment. Like, yes, man. Like I said, just like some people like just don't vibe.
Totally. And like we get along so well and it's so easy. That's just like the anticipation like, oh like they're great. Like I hope it works.
But I will say like it was a different feeling for me bringing this boyfriend to like a setting where it's like, okay, like we're going to someone's like engagement like, you know, like be self-aware. Yes, be social. And I looked around and he was completely by himself. Like Lawrence boyfriend was like talking to my parents like talking to our friends talking to Matt talking to Matt family.
I was like, he can fully hold his own in a room, which I think you've needed because prior, it was like your heart was like nervous. Because if I would have brought my ex to your engagement, my ex would have been the drunkest person at the party. And you were constantly like on alerts in social settings. You're the most social.
I was like embarrassed. I was like, I was like compensating. And like to the point where I was like, you know, I think I might not be being invited to certain things because like your partner, which I think is also a huge part is like if anyone's listening, if you have a weird gut feeling, every time you bring your partner around people, and like you're constantly like being super like, oh my God, like I can't leave their side. Or like overcompensating and like, like you have to follow up conversations.
Like, oh, I'm sorry. Like he didn't mean that or like, I don't know why he said that or like bad, bad, bad, bad, bad flag. Red flag. Your partner like, that should be like an early test.
Like throw into your friends and see how he fends and vibes. Like those are people who have like stood the test of time and like care about you. And there's something different to be said, like if your partner's an introvert, that's okay. They were a little awkward or whatever.
But there's a difference between that and then someone actually genuinely making you uncomfortable with like the actions and like, everyone's going to have a weird night. Yeah. Like maybe they get too drunk or they say something stupid. But like if it's a consistent thing, I feel like that's something that you and I both experience of a partner that's like embarrassing us or we're feeling so uncomfortable to go out with.
And I feel like this was the first time where I was so happy. Like I was like beaming, watching your boyfriend, like walking around and watching you work one side of the room, him be on the other side. And I was like fucking finally, Lauren has someone that she can now actually be her full self, especially around the people that she loves. Like you don't have to apologize.
Not that you ever had to apologize because it was one of those things we know. Yeah. It's been seven years. I know.
I know. I know. I know. I know.
It's like it's amazing. So Lauren is in this healthy, great relationship not to say we both don't have like things that we're working on a relationship, which I think we should talk about. Yeah. Like that's something to get into because if therapy was like an Olympic sport, I can fucking train in for the Olympics for the past two years.
Like I am deep in my individual therapy game. No, it's so true. And like I thought I had my shit figured out. I was like, not in LA.
That was part of my journey that a lot of you saw, but that was the beginning stages. And I have done a lot of work since then been going to weekly therapy for over two years now. And I entered into this relationship and I was like, all like high in my knee, like I got my shit figured out. Like welcome to my world.
Like can you like meet my caliber? Can you like meet me in like my wokeness? No, but actually you were like in your therapy, like I've never seen you. Yeah.
And then I had like I can look at him and say like I have never been in a healthy relationship in a lot of ways before this one. And like getting into a really serious relationship where like you're not going to bullshit and like it's real and like you're trying to like make things seriously work. You learn a lot about yourself really, really fast and you learn all the flaws and the shit and the baggage that you're bringing to the table that you can probably hide when it's like just you and your own in your own. But yeah, I'm like learning a lot about myself and I'm really happy and in love and but not enough about me.
We'll get more into that later. Speaking of love, how we age life. It's fucking amazing. I will say sex better when you're engaged.
I will say our sex has been insane, but enough about me and my engagement and you and your relationship. I'm fucking starving. We have a friend in town and we're gonna go get some deep dish pizza. Oh, I'm giving you the Chicago experience.
Let's begin like you don't even know what we got planned. I don't understand. Let's go get dressed and let's go get pizza. Doing my eyebrows for 45 minutes.
This one is not matching this one and I know this one's supposed to be sisters not twins but they're like distant cousins at this point. It's like not going well. We're just trying to get ready for our lunch. Like that jacket.
Is this cool? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we should get that.
I forget. How's it white? Ooh. How's it sunny?
We're kind of notching. Oh my god. Do we both have white sneakers? Yeah.
We have blue jeans. We have our brown jackets. Oh, you're wearing black shirt. Oh my god.
I mean, I mean, I'm just trying to show stuff on this one. Which is crazy because we did get ready together. Everybody will say this was not intentional. We worked fully staring and getting out this ready.
I have a habit when I get in elevators. I start to tap dance. Wait, what? I'm really quite amazed how much the four seasons just like loves you.
It never gets old even as much as I get to now like do like a little luxurious glamour shit like this now. I still feel like when we were like young and like it still doesn't hit me but it's like this is my life. I guess you haven't been like rich like that long. Should we just start drinking now?
I've lived here for two years and I've truly only had deep dish like three times. What are they being with you? It's very filling. I think we both have a sauce in our hearts for New York style like the rest here the better.
Okay now. How do daddy games like no other daddy games? So this area right in front of us, I'm like 95% sure. This is called the Viagra triangle.
The Viagra triangle. If I remember correctly, it's because there's a lot of old men in this area who like to get jiggy with it and you like to get a little extra health. Wait, what? Are you like that?
No, I'm not serious. I don't actually know the words like any songs. So what are we doing tonight? So tonight we are doing a two-person bar crawl.
I have a car and the car and driver is going to take us to 15 bars that I have planned. 15? We'll see how far we make it. I wanted us to have options.
Yes. Oh, you're about to get me fucking hammered. When Lauren and I get drunk together, how would you describe it? Unhinged.
Hello? Hello? Oh, wearing a bow. Do you want a drink?
Yes. Okay, you're gonna stay here. I'm gonna, thanks Kate, inspired me. I'm gonna go have my confessional moment and play bartender.
I'll be back in two drinks. Okay, but we can't find like me and Kate. Welcome to my laboratory confessional. My goal for the night is quite simply to get Alex Cooper fucked up.
I want to bring her back to the days when we were living in New York City before all of this. Now she's such a workaholic that like everything is for the daddy gang. I don't even want to say for content. I want to say just for the daddy gang and to make all her daddy like the best possible brand.
She does shit like this and I think she like forgets to like stop and like take it in and actually like look around and like have fun and enjoying herself. So the goal tonight is fun and fun rhymes with fucked up. So we're gonna get her fucked up. Cheers.
Oh, she's taking a shot tonight of Malort. If you're a Midwestern daddy gang, you know what Malort is? I have to take it. Malort.
Malort. Malort. Malort. Let's drop an image of Malort right here.
It's a specialty type of like lacord and I googled it and it tastes like a vine from hell. It's like I'm ready. I accept a time it right because she needs to be not sober and where she's gonna be like this is actually disgusting but not drunk enough. I'm gonna like have her throw up in the night.
Yeah. So it's all about timing. First drink of the day should we do that thing? What's like hi my name is Lauren and this was before I have any drinks tonight.
We should have that. Hello darling. Oh my god. Cheers.
I don't know if you got to this point your relationship yet but back I would say like a couple months now like almost a year ago I wanted to fucking kill Matt when he was late. He's a cuddler right? He is Matt is like the cuddliest person. He's like I love you.
I want to get all up in there and I'm like back to the fuck up. Get the fuck up. I'm like the most kind of loving person. Oh but you're in my neighborhood.
Yes and I would say that my like I will cuddle right before bed like up until bed unless I get fucking hot but most of the time I will cuddle with him but the minute we're like okay time to go to fucking sleep. Get the fuck to the east and all over the west. Okay what is your sleeper team? Um I wouldn't say it's a routine or it's a more of a battlefield.
Oh so you're in it. I'm in it. I become like defensive of my space because I'm way friends like tall. He's six four so like his limbs are long and like every night I will get on the bed because he's usually in bed before me and I'll get into the bed and I'll pull the link back and I'm like you're crossing the midline and he's like like no like my elbows touching the edge of my bed like yeah but like you can't take up more than the midline and you're over the midline.
So I thought he was gaslighting me because I'm like you're over the midline so I was like looking up up and down the internet I was looking on Ezzy to find sheets that have a line down the middle so I could be like look over the midline. You're gaslighting me at the next time. Lauren just said she gets the at bedtime. That is so good.
It's so relatable. We got two big people in the bed. The queen bed's not enough. I'll tell that to me.
I'll take ownership here because I'm in a healthy relationship. Dude it's a battle. A few few trips ago when we were in the Hamptons we woke up and your pants are off. And I was like Alex why are your pants off?
And then you pulled the blanket down and you were sleeping on a towel. I'm like Alex why are you sleeping on a towel? Hi my guy. There was thunder and she got scared and she peed the bed.
Why was it the bed with her? That is not the whole place. I heard a really fucking scary noise thunder and like we were in the middle of fucking over and if you've ever been to the Hamptons you fucking know there's no cell service and we had a really weird experience with the scuba driver. I was like oh we're dying tonight.
So then my mind was that because the Uber driver dropped us off at our home he knew where we lived. And so every creak and crawl that I heard that night I knew our Uber driver was just coming up the deck and barging in. Two weeks then I heard the thunder and before I registered it was thunder. You peed the bed.
I made the accidentally let out a little pinky. I like blackout because I don't mean to be the bed I see it as like I woke myself up to defend myself. Oh what HR? What are you doing a fit chat?
You go like this. Hi guys my name is Alex. I'm from Pennsylvania. I'm 28 and this is what we're going to do to the bar tonight.
I'll upload to that lady. What was the girl? Reality show is bad. There is a bar that has a special place in my heart in Chicago and it's called Old Crow.
When Lauren and I last time we're here Lauren and I were having we're doing a bar crawl. We were on a trolley and we were having a shindig and we were with shindig because we shindig ours on our legs and we randomly were like let's leave the group let's just go bar hopping by ourselves. It's our thing we like to bar hopping alone. Two people bar crawl so we show up to this bar and we got so intoxicated and so much fun that we ended up on stage at the end of the night and we got there with our shindig guards on and it was pouring rain and we are rain jackets and I don't even know what I said on stage we'll play the cute little cute little cute little cute little footage.
Lauren you're coming on stage. I want to be very curious. You're coming on stage. This kind of is like where we're gonna start tonight.
We now are excited to go back and we know the manager because he drove us home last night. It's a little murky why that ended up happening. The bouncer also ended up just like shout out Margie. Hi it's Alex.
Excuse me. Get out of my confessional. Potatoes. We know my mission earlier it was and look to your left.
The potatoes and idyllor. What's up? What? That will be needed.
We met Ben two years ago and we told a little story in the car in the weight here about a man who drove his home when we were wearing shindig guards. That's this man. Do you still have the shindig guards? I kept those shindig guards.
You told them when to face them. Not absolutely not. Yes. You covered the stain.
Don't cover the stain. It's perfect. Good thinking. Fuck me first and then let's talk.
Let's go. I need to film this because this is honestly iconic shit. This means you were oh motherfucking gee you were episode one two three back in 2018. I introduced your health and television I'm Wendy and I'm from Chicago and I'm back.
Melissa questions. If you could interview anyone next week who would it be? Jennifer Coolidge. Done.
Oh I'm gonna fucking bite your little cock off. I don't know. I fucking swim in that little wiener hole. She is the most legendary actress of all time and like whatever she's doing I'm like I want to be part of that.
Go. What's your most memorable daddy gang interaction? I would say the time that a daddy gang member brought me a deal though and then I used it 30 minutes later. What's something that currently makes you cringe on the internet?
Probably whatever the fuck I just did at that last. What the fuck? When's the last time you fake an orgasm? That's a great question.
What's something you have never done in the bedroom that you'd be open to trying? I would say I would say but I recently just did. Two weeks ago. No no no you're drinking.
Do you think you've let anyone down in your life recently? Nana I know you're dead but that bitch always wanted to be famous. Aaron what is this? How was it?
That's not strong. What's that bad? I will say this. Lauren has it out for me.
What did they talk about? Give me give me give me a minute. I'm in. I'm in.
Whoa and sound like oh. What is really hard to be cool. What's the final result? Who's drunker?
Who the fuck do you think? I don't think anyone knows the life that you can live in the sky. What? When you see a diamond it shines so bright.
Hello. I'm trying to help you. Where are we? What's going on, Lauren?
What time is it? 1217. It's live. It's live.
Is my hair crazy? Can I put clothes on? Oh yeah are you naked? Yeah.
I woke up and it was 80 degrees. And I was dying so I had to get naked. I went to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Your ass was hours.
No wait can I tell you something before you get unnaked? Yeah. I woke up at like seven o'clock and I started to get like the scariest. Because I remember that I went on stage.
Oh my god we faced our mavericks. What do we say? Jesus Christ. Good morning.
Last night. No this is so sad. I have no water. Oh so nice outside.
I think I should have closed on. Do you want to feel like you're gonna hit by a bus? Oh my god. This is how you know I was so fucked up because when I get drunk I get so confident.
I went on that horse. I started riding it like I was fucking a penis. I literally got up on the horse and everyone was like I don't know if you wanted to that. Alex and I was like I think I want to do that.
That horse is not very right. Like I don't even want to look at my story. Did you post one? I'm pretty sure my entire story is from last night and I don't even know what I posted.
Oh my goodness. Oh you a centipede. I have a full centipede story. So leave that now.
Oh my god we have to talk about this man. Who was this man? I went on stage and announced to everyone that everyone in that bar was having average sex and we needed to ramp it up. What the fuck?
That's why I have anxiety. Can we get edibles before that? Oh you have them right here. Can we take them?
Of course. Whenever I'm feeling like I'm like oh I'm like send pictures of the dogs immediately. Okay so we walk into this bar and the minute we get there there was daddy gang and they were like please let me buy you a drink and I was like no let me buy you a drink and I go up to the bartender and I'm like I need 20 shots of to kill. So we started just immediately taking shots.
There were no drinks it was just straight shots. You went from like you went from zero to a hundred. Like we walked into that bar like relatively sober. It's because when I see the daddy gang.
There's we're like both genuinely so excited and all of them are like telling me their stories of like whatever it is that like they want to say and so I'm like hugging all them getting like emotional and I love how you and I interact in those situations because I always just go like this. You guys like reach over and just grab me. I'm like Lauren and Lauren's like I'm over here and you're like talking to daddy gang and we're both just like completely separated and we swing back to each other. Who was that man with the long hair that like that being my personal protector?
Yeah it literally looked like Jesus. I think everyone's got a shot. There are now people handing me shots and also I was like I'm so sorry like fuck I'll take it and then you guys were like Alex this is your 15th shot. You're like no more shots you're literally gonna be dead and I was like but if daddy gang's giving me a shot I have to take it.
So finally a girl comes with a glass this large and it's like take this Alex and I'm like what's it called? A car? I was like this fucking large and I was kind of like oh that doesn't look like that and so this Jesus man that was following me around that we were like who is he? He ends up coming over and I was like I don't know if I want to take that and Jesus took the cup and literally without hesitation was like I'm shouting the whole thing and I'm like sir who are you and also well all this having he never spoke a word?
No never spoke a word he was like somebody kicked me out. I'm like sir I know her. Lauren's literally waving from behind like the like roped off area. Lauren's like Alex I'm like Lauren what are you doing over there?
She's like I got kicked out. Originally we were gonna go on to sing karaoke. Thank God we did not sing karaoke. What?
That was a plant. And then Lauren I remember you look at me and saying you're like we will ruin everyone's night if we go up on stage and we sing Hannah Montana because everyone's like oh you can sing Miley and Lauren's like no we would specifically be singing Hannah Montana and I just don't think anyone would enjoy us. I think we'd show the whole vibe in this bar. We can take it down one notch.
So then we left that bar after we got off stage and then we went to another bar and that's where it all took a turn. Oh you got mad at me. You're like Lauren you made me take this disgusting shot? No I didn't get mad I reprimanded you.
Then we like somehow got home. Lauren wakes up this morning and she comes over and she goes why is like the toilet paper thing broken I'm pretty sure you're fat ass fat on it bro. Was she peeing? She was peeing and I was just like it looks like you were like waiting to pee.
Lauren when we get drunk and we come home it's like we can't separate. We're like oh my god like if I'm gonna go pee you have to come and stand with me while I fucking pee. I always have some wild dreams last night. I woke up and I was having a dream that the chainsmuckers and Pedro were in bed with us.
Pedro like the one doing the boo. I need more water. Okay I think this is a perfect way to end this morning. Okay daddy gang we're gonna order some bagels.
We're gonna get some food. We're gonna eat it and then we're gonna go back to bed for a little bit but we will see you when we're alive again. Oh you look a little bit better. Two hours later.
Hello. We were so hungover. We got so hot. I feel like shut you have to shut down.
I'm gonna say and now I like kind of still feel high that I'm like yeah. She fills all with ice water. Oh yeah let's do that. I knew you were kind of with all the solutions.
She's my safe space. I'm looking you in the eye. It's not time. It's not time.
I ate one of the little one glass. Was it good? I don't remember. Oh my gosh.
Oh me daddy. Oh oh chocolate. Have you ever done one of my episodes? No.
Oh my gosh. Hi guys. My name is Kristen. My name is Kristen.
I like to party. Kristen has been best friends with Lauren. I sense as long as Lauren. I've been best friends.
Kristen went to St. Andrew Catholic school with us and then when Lauren left after second grade she was actually Catholic and is Catholic. Are we Catholic? No.
Don't. Don't grip me into this. I don't want to be a Catholic. We went to Catholic school.
Lauren left us and then Kristen and I went all to a grade together but we were also playing soccer together. We're all friends and all of them were friends. So we all have known each other since we were we concluded since seven 21 years 21 years we've been friends but so Kristen's having to concert with us. We we are very excited.
We met we re-made step up and we got our way going to fucking dance. You guys I was always the boy. Just always the boy. To be fair to be fair to be fair.
I was all right. You were like taller and Kristen always was really throwing the wig and it was like a little faux cut. No but the best. The best is my head was always really big so the wig would be like the hairline would be like a cheer.
I'd be coming up with her. Totally step up but me girl. Yeah we went into the end. I was stretching.
What do you think she was? How do you think all the horrible things Virginia's work says? That's what my team is sweet. Gorgeous.
Lauren is this is Damien. That was two gay and function. All of it mean things were changed to her set. I give you guys too much short.
Now where is it in the cafeteria is crucial. You got everybody. Always what's right for me. Who cares?
I care. Every ever seen this one's part of the end of class. It's called the spring for you. Every ever seen this one's part of the end of class.
The end of class. The end of class. And like the girl today I'm kind of hungry. Like sit down.