Stop Trying to Fix Him: The Michelangelo Effect

from Pulling Threads, Weaving Authenticity · host Leslie Mathews

Are you in love with a man you’re quietly trying to fix? This episode names the pattern, the psychology behind it, and the way out. There is a script some of us learned long before we ever met him: love hard enough, see deeply enough, hold space generously enough, and you can reach the wounded part of him no one else has reached. Our culture calls these the highest things a woman can offer. Sometimes they are. And sometimes — wearing the exact same clothes — they are something else entirely. In this solo episode of Pulling Threads, I share the psychology that finally gave me language for what I had been doing in my own relationship, including the stretch I am not proud of and the part of me that learned in childhood that fixing equals safety. We meet the Michelangelo Effect (Drigotas, 1999) and its dangerous twin, the Pygmalion phenomenon — and the difference between affirming the partner he wants to become and chiseling him toward the one you need him to be. By the end you will have a framework for telling apart the three men you might actually be with: the one who is chiseling, the one who could but isn’t, and the one whose contempt makes this pattern dangerous, not just expensive. WORK WITH ME: → Book a discovery call: https://theloomlife.com → THROUGH — my 8-week divorce coaching program: https://theloomlife.com/throughdivorceprogram → 1:1 coaching for women rebuilding relationships and themselves: https://theloomlife.com MORE FROM THE LOOM LIFE: → The Loom Life (coaching): https://theloomlife.com → Loom Life Therapy (EMDR, IFS, trauma therapy): https://loomlifetherapy.com → Leslie Ellen Mathews: https://leslieellenmathews.com → Instagram: https://instagram.com/the.loom.life → TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@leslieellenmathews COMPANION EPISODE FOR THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE: → “They Told You Women Want a Beast” (For the Boys playlist) — send it to him if anything in today’s episode named something you’ve been carrying together. MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE: → The Michelangelo phenomenon, Drigotas, Rusbult, et al. (1999) → The Pygmalion phenomenon as the unhealthy twin → The “fix-him script” and the “psych nurse” part → The three situations: the man chiseling, the man who could but isn’t, the man with contempt If anything here named something you’ve been carrying, drop a comment and tell me where you are in this — whether you’ve seen David, whether you’ve tried to carve your own, or whether you’re questioning the whole thing right now. Other women read these comments and learn from them. Take exquisite care of yourselves out there. — Leslie #PullingThreads #TheLoomLife #FixHimTrap #MichelangeloEffect #RelationshipPodcast #HealingPodcast #WomenInRelationships KEYWORDS: how to stop trying to fix him, fix him trap, fix him syndrome, Michelangelo effect relationships, Pygmalion phenomenon, codependency, people pleasing in relationships, attachment wounds, healing after toxic relationship, mental health podcast for women, relationship podcast, IFS parts work, women’s personal growth

What this episode covers

Are you in love with a man you’re quietly trying to fix? This episode names the pattern, the psychology behind it, and the way out.There is a script some of us learned long before we ever met him: love hard enough, see deeply enough, hold space generously enough, and you can reach the wounded part of him no one else has reached. Our culture calls these the highest things a woman can offer. Sometimes they are. And sometimes — wearing the exact same clothes — they are something else entirely.In this solo episode of Pulling Threads, I share the psychology that finally gave me language for what I had been doing in my own relationship, including the stretch I am not proud of and the part of me that learned in childhood that fixing equals safety. We meet the Michelangelo Effect (Drigotas, 1999) and its dangerous twin, the Pygmalion phenomenon — and the difference between affirming the partner he wants to become and chiseling him toward the one you need him to be.By the end you will have a framework for telling apart the three men you might actually be with: the one who is chiseling, the one who could but isn’t, and the one whose contempt makes this pattern dangerous, not just expensive.WORK WITH ME:→ Book a discovery call: https://theloomlife.com→ THROUGH — my 8-week divorce coaching program: https://theloomlife.com/throughdivorceprogram→ 1:1 coaching for women rebuilding relationships and themselves: https://theloomlife.comMORE FROM THE LOOM LIFE:→ The Loom Life (coaching): https://theloomlife.com→ Loom Life Therapy (EMDR, IFS, trauma therapy): https://loomlifetherapy.com→ Leslie Ellen Mathews: https://leslieellenmathews.com→ Instagram: https://instagram.com/the.loom.life→ TikTok: https://tiktok.com/@leslieellenmathewsCOMPANION EPISODE FOR THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE:→ “They Told You Women Want a Beast” (For the Boys playlist) — send it to him if anything in today’s episode named something you’ve been carrying together.MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:→ The Michelangelo phenomenon, Drigotas, Rusbult, et al. (1999)→ The Pygmalion phenomenon as the unhealthy twin→ The “fix-him script” and the “psych nurse” part→ The three situations: the man chiseling, the man who could but isn’t, the man with contemptIf anything here named something you’ve been carrying, drop a comment and tell me where you are in this — whether you’ve seen David, whether you’ve tried to carve your own, or whether you’re questioning the whole thing right now. Other women read these comments and learn from them.Take exquisite care of yourselves out there.— Leslie#PullingThreads #TheLoomLife #FixHimTrap #MichelangeloEffect #RelationshipPodcast #HealingPodcast #WomenInRelationshipsKEYWORDS: how to stop trying to fix him, fix him trap, fix him syndrome, Michelangelo effect relationships, Pygmalion phenomenon, codependency, people pleasing in relationships, attachment wounds, healing after toxic relationship, mental health podcast for women, relationship podcast, IFS parts work, women’s personal growth

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Stop Trying to Fix Him: The Michelangelo Effect

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This episode is 31 minutes long.

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This episode was published on May 21, 2026.

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