SYPM 011: Untigering with Iris Chen

In this episode we talk with Iris Chen about her new book, Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger Parent.   Iris admits to being a parent who engaged in "yelling, spanking, and threatening with unreasonable consequences" - but far from becoming a well-behaved, obedient child, her son fought back.  The harder she punished, the more he resisted. Their home became a battleground of endless power struggles, uncontrollable tantrums, and constant frustration.   But Iris didn't know what else to do: she had learned this over-controlling style from her own parents: watching TV without permission, talking back to her father, and having a boyfriend before college were simply out of the question when she was growing up.   In her parents' eyes, they had done all the right things: Iris got good grades, graduated from an elite university, and married another successful Chinese-American.   But through interacting with her son, Iris realized that all of these achievements had come at a great cost: a cost that her son was trying to show her through his resistance.  Eventually Iris saw that her son's behavior wasn't the problem; he was simply reacting to her attempts to control him, and that it was her own approach that needed to change.   Now Iris is well along her own Untigering path: basing her relationship with her children on finding win-win solutions to problems, being flexible, and respecting each other's boundaries.   As I do too, Iris sees this path as a journey toward creating a society where everyone belongs.   If you see yourself in Iris' descriptions of her early days as a parent, and especially if you find yourself routinely overreacting to your child's age-appropriate behavior, I invite you to join my Taming Your Triggers, which will help you to understand the true source of your triggered feelings (hint: it isn't your child's behavior!), feel triggered less often, and respond more effectively to your child on the fewer occasions when it does still happen.   Click the banner to learn more!   Jump to highlights: 01:34 Children’s dilemma between being seen/heard and being accepted 02:50 The trauma we pass on to our children 04:04 How to tame your triggers 04:59 Confidence in parenting that gives parents a sense of calm 06:39 Iris as a Deconstructing Tiger Parent 08:13 “I thought my responsibility as a parent was to push harder when my child resisted” 09:26 “I saw in my children a freedom to express their resentment in ways that I was never free to” 11:05 The walls that are created between parent and child because children’s authentic selves are not accepted 11:24 Our parents have their own traumas as well 13:18 The Idea of Untigering 14:19 Permissive parenting 16:06 Viewing children as full human beings 18:43 Adultism and Childism 20:05 Is respect something a child needs to earn from their parents? 21:26 Redefining our ideas for success as parents 27:29 Navigating the needs that drive behavior 31:30 Chinese somatization 33:57 The internalization of injustice and suffering 36:50 Holding space for one another and the greater community 41:19 The cascading effect of changing the way we relate to our children   Books and Resources: Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger ParentThe Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma   Links: Taming Your Triggers WorkshopUpbringing PodcastUntigering Website   Join the YPM Facebook Community Your Parenting Mojo Facebook Group   Reference Mauner, R.G., Hunter, J.J., Atkinson, L., Steiner, M., Wazana, A., Fleming, A.S., Moss, E., Gaudreau, H., Meaney, M.J., & Levitan, R.D. (2017). An attachment-based model of the relationship between childhood adversity and somatization in children and adults. Psychosomatic Medicine79(5), 506-513.