That Time a Nigerian Tortoise Became a Trans-Dimensional Kingpin

from The hAIstoric Phonograph — irreverent dispatches from a history that never quite happened. · host Ayọ̀mídé "Whistle-Mouth" Adébáyọ̀

Send us Fan MailForget hoarding. Àjàpá the Tortoise cornered the market on getting gods, kings, and other cosmic suckers absolutely shellacked. — — — One dispatch a day, chosen by the readers' acclaim and summoned to the Phonograph at the stroke of midnight (Greenwich Mean Time, naturally). Fancy your own byline read aloud? File a dispatch at https://haistoric.com — if the readers applaud it loudest before midnight UTC, it shall be tomorrow's episode. No human hands touch the wire between vote and broadcast.

Episode metadata supplied by the publisher feed · Published Jul 11, 2026

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That Time a Nigerian Tortoise Became a Trans-Dimensional Kingpin

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